Here is where I am lost about this…my ex and I ended dec 12th and I just found out he proposed to someone else 3 weeks after we ended. WE were together for FOUR years and he said he thought about it a few times, but never could do it. There are underlying things of course (email me for more info if you want) but I don’t get how he could do that with her.

They only ever had a crush on each other. They haven’t talked for years. She works for the same company but supposedly he says they never breached anything and was faithful. He never dated her, he never kissed her and they really only dated 3 weeks.

If a guy wants to be sure, how could this have happened?

Then I hear he has called her by my name a few times and he keeps calling me to see if I am ok. She hates that he talks to me and texted me so when I ask why he would he says “Because you NEED me.”

Up to this time we have been talking but I just thought they were dating. 3 days ago I found out he actually has been engaged this whole time. I am trying to cut the string and hook, but I still love him and would wait for him. I think he is in the honeymoon phase of the dating thing and when he sees her for real will walk away.

2 things I cant have babies she can and he wants that
2nd (I am not trying to be mean but honest) she is low hanging fruit and I know I am not so I feel she is safe

I am at a loss about this. Any advice on any part of this would be helpful.

I checked out your blog, which you linked to when you wrote in this letter.  I don’t think anything I say will have an impact. You are convinced of so many things, all of them wrong. So wrong. I don’t even feel right snarking on this letter because it seems cruel. You are clearly in pain and I’m truly sorry for that. But you are not in a place where you want to hear the truth. You’re reading Eat, Pray, Love for Christ’s sake. You’re looking for trite, pat, oogity boogity explanations and stories of soul mates and mirrors to avoid seeing the real truth.

This guy? Broken. Didn’t love you. Doesn’t love you. Probably never loved you. He was with you because you were broken, too. I don’t say that to be cruel. I say that because you need to get that. You need to understand that these types of people don’t just fall out of the sky and into our lives. We welcome them in.

You want to believe what he said because considering the alternative – that he was lying all the time or never had any intention of ever delivering on his promises – would be far too painful. You want to believe. And until you’re ready to not believe and accept the truth, you’re going to look anywhere and everywhere for signs and excuses and reasons why you should keep on this path.Right now, you need to believe that all his concern and remorse and interest was real. More than likely? It wasn’t. Ever.  Look at his actions and compare them to his words. Note the polarity. This guy hasn’t just been a dick. This guy is blindsiding you with hurt. It’s sadistic.

There’s nothing worse than realizing that you were used or played for the fool. It sucks. It can be gut wrenching. But the good thing is that, once you experience it, you have the ability to become fearless. It’s like that Jeff Bridges movie where he survives a plane crash. He starts walking in the middle of traffic and on ledges of buildings. He either has convinced himself that he is somehow immortal or he simply no longer fears the idea of dying. What ever the result of this traumatic accident, he stopped being afraid.

Then I hear he has called her by my name a few times and he keeps calling me to see if I am ok. She hates that he talks to me and texted me so when I ask why he would he says “Because you NEED me.”

His calls to you to “check in” are likely just attempts by him to keep you in this suspended state of delusion.  These types of guys do stuff like this. They’ll stay in your orbit in some way, directly or indirectly. This guy will absolutely keep tabs on you and even stay in touch. It has nothing to do with him harboring feelings for you. That is about wanting to see if you’re still attached, still thinking about them, still hurting. If you are, then that means that they still have some part of your attention or focus. It’s all very ego driven and disingenuous.

You don’t need him. He is the one who is in need. He needs to believe that you need him. That’s the narrative going on in his head. That’s why men and women like him like  to cry “stalker.”  They’re not actually being stalked. They like to tell people that because it’s a way for them to present themselves as more desirable or important than they really are. And, oh look. He’s telling his fiancee about how he’s calling you, or she’s finding out because she’s watching him very closely. Nothing says “I love you” more than roping the people they claim to love in to their little charade or drama and causing them to be insecure.

This guy doesn’t love you or her. He isn’t capable of it. He’s damaged goods. These guys are so…common. (As in pedestrian.) They’re emotional grifters.

It’s time for you to hit that proverbial wall and confront the truth. It was all a lie and you bought it. Enough with the sea salt baths and Eat, Pray, Love. Yes, this guy was a mirror of you in some way, as a character in the book says. But, hon, that’s not a good thing. Forget about him and figure out why you were so desperate to believe this loser.

Oh, and edited to add:

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this. STOP BLOGGING ABOUT THIS. Yes, I know. He neeeeever reads your blog. You dated this guy for years? You really think he’s not hopping online to see how his behavior has affected you? Trust me. He is. Regularly. If you have a Twitter account, either lock that up or never mention him publicly. Create a new Twitter account strictly for venting if you like. Don’t change your Twitter handle because that doesn’t work. Most twitter apps just direct you to their new handle. (*snerk*)  This is what I mean by indirectly staying in your orbit. I can assure you that he’s monitoring your every thought online. Lock your blog up and make it password protected and give it to readers you know. When you no longer give a flying f*&% what he thinks, and you will, you can unlock everything. I can assure you, though,  that he’ll still be monitoring you by then. He obsessed with himself. He can’t help it. So be kind.

Dear Moxie:
You are asking for more ideas for your column, so here it goes.
I’ve been a regular reader for over a year.  While I enjoy your column, that is, geared toward the single woman…I find some of the columns and especially the reader comments insensitive to those of us with kids.  I’ve been raising my kids pretty much on my own (now young teenagers) in the LI suburbs with very little help from their dad.  I have them both playing sports (basketball) which has been great for keeping them busy (and me running around with them).  I realize my availability factors don’t make me the most attractive person for a single man….although I do meet single dads on the circuit, most of us are just busy tending to the kids etc. etc. Someone last week on the Moxie comments referred to people like me as “great for the harem”.  From the single man’s perspective that put down may sound great…but how does someone like me…45, in great shape, and busy with kids…go about attracting an appropriate single man?  Or does my busyness with the stuff of life put them off?  Your feedback would be helpful…the thought of 6 or 8 more years of this is….lonely.
Thanks

Well, there are a number of things about your circumstance that makes finding a single man difficult. These are things you need to understand so you can develop some kind of resolution or be able to quell the concerns of the type of men you want to meet.

But first, just so I’m clear, are you saying that you don’t want to date single dads or that you would date single dads, but prefer to date men with no children? If it’s the former, and I’m reading this correctly, you’re dismissing the single dads for the same reason you believe the childless men are dismissing you – the availability factor. Or you’re saying that the single dads you meet just aren’t looking, so that’s why they aren’t an option.  Here’s why setting your sights on single men without kids might be a struggle for you:
1. They don’t want kids - Not yours. Not theirs. Not anybody’s. If they’ve hit 40, 45 or older, and they’re childless, that’s probably by choice.

2. They don’t want to raise someone else’s kids - As you said yourself, your ex isn’t really in the picture. In theory, it’s a nice thought that a man would take on supporting someone else’s kids. But in practice I don’t think many single men are thrilled by it. Especially if the woman’s relationship with her ex is tense.

3. They want their own kids - Harsh, but true. They don’t have to raise someone else’s. A man in his late thirties to even late forties can find a woman in her thirties or even early forties to have his children if he really wants them.

4. The want simplicity – You admitted it. You’re life is filled with activities that are all related to your kids. Their life is probably equally hectic. Why complicate things?

I’m detailing this things so that rather than get frustrated and take it personally, you can have an understanding of where these men might be coming from.

I think you’re best bet is to focus your efforts on meeting single dads. They understand the time constraints. There are several LI based Single Parent Meetups that you could join. And many speeddating companies offer events strictly for single parents. If you prefer to date men without kids, then you’re going to have to do some serious prioritizing and re-arranging.

You seem to be upset at the idea that people look at single people with kids as having “baggage.” You need to face the reality that it’s true. You do come with baggage. Just because children are supposed to be cute and adorable and omigoddon’tyahustwanttosqueezetheircheeks doesn’t mean people have to be extra accommodating. You’re doing what a lot of people do and refusing to see the situation from both sides.

What you shouldn’t ignore is how much time and patience and tolerance is involved when dating a single parent. If you do that, then you can develop pre-emptive solutions to possible concerns or problems that come up. You can present your life in a way that doesn’t seem, to the casual observer like a guy reading your profile, as terribly complicated. We’ve said it before. Know your audience. Learn how to position yourself to your desired target market and predict  inevitable issues that might arise.

Here’s an example. When I began my great Reinvention Tour of 2011 (Hah. Madonna reference) I made sure to address any possible issues that might come up regarding my blog. Before I would meet  a guy or go on the first date, I’d send him an email with a link to the blog and tell him that I liked to be upfront about who I was an what I did. I also made it a point to say that I don’t discuss my personal life. I then offered him the option to read the blog and then come back to me with any questions or concerns. I knew what the hot button concerns were for men when it came to dating someone who writes about dating. I could also back up my statements. I didn’t hide what I did or show any sort of shame. I was completely upfront from the get go. It wasn’t 100% effective, but it was far more effective than the old way, which was to not understand their hesitation and not mention anything in the beginning. This also alleviated the inevitable “I Googled you. So, BJ Classes. What’s that like?” or “So are you going to write about this?” thing. Instead of them blindsiding me with questions, I opened the floor up to them myself. This also helped me screen out the attention whores. Funny story. I met a guy online back in December. I showed him the blog and gave him my speech. He read it and came back to me with, “You can write about me. I don’t mind. Just call me…”  I canceled the date.

Show these guys that you get it, that you understand where they might be coming from. Not only does that help you take more control of the situation, but it demonstrates a caring/concerned vibe for their comfort, time and needs. Feminine qualities.

Finally, ignore the “harem” comments. Seriously. Things like that are said by frustrated men who wish they had  a harem of women. They’re pissed off so they want you to feel as hurt as they do.

Name: Lucy

Most men are fairly in the dark when it comes knowing when a woman is flirting with them. By keeping the topic and tone of the messages to cycling, you’re giving him the impression that your interest in him stops there. You need to switch the conversation to something more flirty and personal.Right now, you’re some running buddy. He’s not seeing you as a possible date for two reasons – you’re playing up the athletic/sporty thing by sticking to that topic, which isn’t terribly feminine, and you’re not making the conversation flirty or personal. He very well might be interested and feeling you out. But you’re not giving him anything to go on. Men, especially shy or reserved men, need  a little push.

Change the subject in your next text. Ask him how his day was. Lead him off that running path into a conversation that’s more personal. That’s what he is waiting to see from you, and that’s probably why he hasn’t asked you to get together. Or he’s just not interested. But the only way to know that short of asking him out (which I don’t recommend unless the guy is just not picking up your signals) is to take things to a more personal level.   Basically, you’re Friend Zoning yourself right now.  You’re being “one of the guys.” That’s not what guys wants.

I was working with two women on their profiles yesterday. Both women made it a point to express their love of baseball and beer or golf and sailing. When I explained to them that most men don’t see that as a selling point, they asked why. My answer was pretty simple: because those things aren’t feminine. That and most men aren’t looking for someone to go golfing with or to attend a Yankees game and throw back a few brews. They can do that with their guy friends. It’s not a bad thing if a woman enjoys those activities. It’s just not something that scores them points in a dating profile or on a the first few dates.

This is the mistake so many women make in their profiles. They try too hard to seem like “one of the guys.” They talk up their jobs, their financial security, all the athletic activities they do, and they don’t showcase their more uniquely feminine traits.

In many cases, the women don’t really have any. They’ve been shutting them down for so long that they’ve atrophied. Or they refuse to sell themselves this way because they think it makes them submissive. Ignore the women who tell you men are intimidated by strong women. It’s a lie. The majority of men are not scared off by a strong woman.

There are some women who are able to use their more masculine attributes to their benefit. They tend to attract what men who have more feminine qualities. (Not to be confused with effeminate qualities.) It works for them. How do you know if that works for you? Well, it works. You meet men on or offline that compliment your personality and energy.

Some of us, though, (raises hand) have to consciously temper our more “masculine” side.

Something else that turns men off? A woman who tries to adapt a too-casual attitude towards sex. It’s one thing if the woman doesn’t have sexual hang ups or is sexually assertive. It’s another if she acts like this is something she does all the time. There’s confident (which is good) and then there’s programmed, where you come across completely detached from the whole experience. That turns men off. That’s why men hesitate when a woman proposes no strings sex out of the blue when they barely know each other. If there’s an established friendship or relationship, it’s not as tricky. But if you meet a guy at a party, bar or online and only chat a bit, it’s going to throw most men off. Especially if you “pitch” it.  You know, give them the whole schpiel about how you’re not looking for anything serious and just want casual sex and you find them attractive, blah blah. Don’t do that. That’s a case of a woman thinking she’s acting “like a guy” so she presents herself the way she thinks a guy would act in that case. Why? Because women are in love with the idea of an “honest” guy. Nothing says “I can’t get laid to save my life because every guy thinks I’m crazy” than that speech. Just ask them to meet for a drink and let things unfold organically.

I have a question.  I met this guy at the gym, we would talk every time we would see each other.  He seemed like a really down to earth guy.  He finally flirted w me and I said well “maybe you should give me your number”, he gladly took mine and called me to ensure I had his. I texted him a few times then straight up asked him if he had a girlfriend:  he responded yes but we can be friends.  We exchanged pictures and he asked if he could see me.  I said no because he had a girlfriend.  He understood and we continued to text.  I spoke to him on the phone and can tell he is not a scumbag dude.  He mentioned that he liked me and said “we can be friends right”? He has been w his girlfriend for 6 months and they don’t live together.

So the question is….is it ok to go out with this guy?  Your thoughts and poll please? – Traci

Here’s the reality. You’re going to go out with him regardless of what I say. You’ve already continued to engage this guy even after he told you he had a girlfriend. There’s no point in playing coy with him. He knows he has you, so you might as well just give in.

You’re saying the right thing, that he has a girlfriend and getting together would be wrong, but even you don’t believe that. You don’t really care. And look, I’ve been there. I justified it, too. And in the end it bit me in the ass. Here’s why: because it waives you the right to complain about how he was a cheater later. You were okay with him cheating when he was cheating with you. It when he cheats *on* you that you have a problem. It makes you a hypocrite and you end up feeling really crappy about yourself. Most of all, it strips you of any leverage. When it blows up in your face, as it often does, you can do nothing but sit on your hands unless you want to be the “crazy girl.” That, too, is a giant waste of time. Anybody who stays with guys like this are in their own personal circle of hell. No need to make it worse for them. These guys rarely date women who are secure and confident. They date women who look the other way because they’re too afraid to face the truth. These guys like drama, despite their claims to the contrary.

Now, let’s play another angle. 6 months? They don’t live together? He’s fair game. He’s not married, he’s not even engaged. He’s probably not totally in to this woman or else he wouldn’t be risking his relationship to exchange what I’ll bet were at the very least risque photos with some random girl he met at his gym. Of course, consider what you’ll be getting: a guy hitting on women at the gym behind your back.

Would it be nice if everybody kept their paws off Other People’s Property? Of course. But that’s not realistic. If there is one thing that sends ice water through some women’s veins it’s the idea that there are women out there who think nothing of sleeping with their man. Or any man, really. Without sex, these women have no power. And if there is another woman out there offering it up, then those women are forced to up their game.  This is why so many women have contempt for women who “give it up too soon” or for porn or prostitution. The more available sex becomes, the less control they have over their man. It terrifies them. As does the reality that a sense of obligation or fear of repercussions, and not a fear of losing them, is usually what keeps men faithful. Or at least prevents them from getting caught. It’s always the people who say that they’re partner would “never” do such a thing that end up with egg on their face. Trust me. Under certain circumstances, there is no such thing as never. We’re all capable of it, despite what some of the perch sitters might say. (And FYI? The people who say they would “never” screw around with someone who is already taken either have and lost OR they’ve never even gotten enough experience to get close to trying.)

This is yet another experience people need to go through to get to that higher level of understanding how the whole dating thing works. You have to know what it’s like to realize you could at any moment lose your partner in order to realize how important it is to keep them happy. You have to know what it’s like to hear someone say all the right things and then blindside you by dumping you. You have to learn that there are unscrupulous people out there and absolutely no guarantees or safeties.

OP, do what you want. Just don’t expect much in return.

Name: Rebecca
State: CT
Age: 43
Comment: Hi.  I am back in the dating pool for the first time after finding out I have HSV-2.  Putting myself out there on dating sites feels like false advertising.  I’m going to meet up with a really interesting guy for the first time next week who has no idea I have herpes.  Obviously this isn’t something you put in your dating profile.  I would welcome thoughts about this.

I feel like I’ve answered this question numerous times, so I’m going to direct you here to read what I’ve said on the topic of when to tell someone and how.

As for the whole “false advertising” issue, EVERYBODY who has an online dating profile partakes in the act of false advertising. I can assure you that the large majority of online daters have something that they don’t tell you about in their dating profile. Like:

• They’re unemployed
• They have bad credit
• They cheated on their ex
• They’re an alcoholic
• They’re horrible in bed
• They haven’t had a relationship in several years, if at all

Yes, I know. None of these are as bad as the dreaded STD. None of these are things that people might use as a reason to break up with someone or blow them off. Right.

Nobody is morally obligated to reveal the fact that they cheated on their husband or wife. Funny, right? If this issue is morality, then you’d think infidelity trumps sexuality. That’s an adorable mixed message. Alcoholics get to be anonymous. But not someone with herpes.

Here’s what I think. I think people don’t want to know the truth. They want to be told a sanitized version of the truth.

Here’s the really funny thing. How many people would dump their partner if they learned he had cheated on their ex? I bet there’s a ton of people out there who would rationalize that one.

People could manufacture a back story for their past and most of you wouldn’t be the wiser. It’s not the idea that someone might “taint” you or infect you that bothers most people. It’s the idea that their partner with an STD is admitting to a “flaw.” That deprives the person they tell from believing that they got somebody untouched or “better” than other people’s partners.

Everybody, especially someone who has struggled to find a relationship, wants to believe that that person they found is “better” or at least “as good” as everybody else’s.

That desperate girl who couldn’t get past two dates with a guy doesn’t want to know that that dude that she finally got to stick around has actually scared off every other woman with his clinginess or neediness. She wants to believe that she’s the only one with whom he’s fallen for so hard and  so fast. Guess what? She’s not. She just didn’t have any better options. Same goes for that guy who needs to believe that he planted that flag on his woman’s vagina and no man has gone there before him. Certainly not on the first date.

We certainly don’t want to acknowledge the real truth. That being that all those times our friends told us we could do better, we actually couldn’t.

If you’re going to have a deal breaker, make it something that is actually going to prevent you from getting hurt in the long run. Like smoking. That could actually kill you. Stop making stupid things up to use as an excuse to dismiss someone. Things like:

I usually don’t date men who don’t dance. It shows that they are not creative, take themselves too seriously and don’t know how to let go. And above all, it gives me an idea of how sensual they are since it is about moving your body and enticing the other person. Plus, if he can lead, it’s a great way for me to surrender to his arms without it being awkward. Men who don’t dance don’t interest me; they sound very boring and sexy at all. – Cricri

And this ridiculous piece of nonsense:

The only thing the OP did wrong was to schedule both dates on weekend. Saturday night for a 1st internet date??? What a waste! Those things should happen on Tuesday-Wednesday. Thursday, Friday and Saturday should be reserved for guys you’ve already gone out with. Scheduling a 1st day on Sat looks kind of desperate actually – shows you don’t have better otions or life. – Downtown Angel

The people who have the most ludicrous of deal breakers are usually the ones most flawed. They’re competing in some imaginary race, running around the track lap after lap and getting absolutely no where.

Ladies, do you have a timetable in your mind on how long you want to date before you move in or get married?

I think there are a lot of factors involved with this like age, relationship goals AND relationship history. If a woman has had a hard time finding a man who wanted to commit, or dated men who hesitated to commit, the urgency for commitment and milestone achievement can grow. We saw an example of this in a recent letter. The harder it becomes to find someone who wants a relationship, the more anxious some women tend to get about the relationship progressing. Unfortunately, this anxiousness also messes with our need to do a little critical thinking. We want to believe everything is “normal” or “typical” that we ignore that little voice in our head that suggests we take a step back and look at the situation objectively and realistically.

The other factor here is that many women tend to use their friend’s relationships as a benchmark. Which is funny, because I can guarantee you that the stories they have heard from their girlfriends are at least a little embellished or skewed.Basically, they’re basing their own schedule on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

This question raises an interesting subject. What do you think is he typical time frame for reaching various stages of a relationship?I’m posing these questions to both men and women.

• When do you meet their friends?
• When do you Facebook Friend them? (Yes, an actual milestone now.)
• When do you meet their family?
• When do you have sex?
• When do you spend holidays together?
• When do you travel together?
• When do you discuss where the relationship is going/exclusivity?
• When do you talk about living together or marriage?

Why don’t men try to learn an activity that would impress a woman like ballroom dancing or salsa so they could enjoy them together?

My answer was: Men don’t take classes in things that they will never apply or use in day to day life just to meet women. They will take classes (and pay money) for something that will produce a return on investment. This isn’t due to laziness. This is due to common sense. If they are going to invest a few hundred dollars, there needs to be some form of a guarantee or high likelihood that they will be getting laid out of it.

Why are some men not concerned with being well groomed when they go out unless they are sure they are getting laid? Like clean shaven, wearing a suit, wear cologne?

See answer above. You answered your own question. Men will dress this way for work because…say it with me…they are getting paid for it and because how they dress is related to how they are perceived by superiors and peers. They do not dress this way for women by choice. They do it because they believe it is expected of them. Kind of like why they pay the tab on dates.  If a button down shirt and jeans isn’t good enough for you, then I suggest getting familiar with it. Because no man is putting on a suit just for a first or second date. You’re just not that important to him a that point. The other reason they might not make an effort? They don’t have to. They’re either good looking or charismatic enough OR their grungy/starving artist look scores them sex. The only other reason they don’t make a noticeable effort is because they are socially clueless and haven’t had much experience with women and therefore have never been educated on what is more likely to get them laid.

Do guys really like the Damsel in Distress act? For example, do guys really want a woman who is dependent on their significant other?

I think you’re conflating two different issues. The Damsel in Distress act usually refers to a woman who is in well, distress. She frequently has issues or problems that require the man to swoop in and “save” her. That’s not the same thing as wanting a woman to be somewhat dependent on him. It’s not that they want us to be dependent on them. They want us to need them. They want us to be emotionally available. They don’t want us to be shutting them out or keeping them at arm’s length or judging them. They want to know that our lives are made better for having them in it and that we appreciate them.

Why do men think they could sustain a relationship when the only activity they both share is sex and dining out?

We’ve discussed this before. What else are you supposed to do? I mean, sure, it’s good to throw in an activity date here and there, but what do you think a “real relationship” looks like?  How often do you think couples go rock climbing together or to an art gallery or a movie? I’d say those dates are the minority. And let’s face it, the longer you’re together, the less common they become. It’s one thing if the dinner/drink is more of an obligation a la the Dignity Date. That’s done to avoid making the hook up feel like a hooker/john dynamic or because the guy knows the woman needs “more” in order to have sex. But if there’s a genuine connection between you and the other person and you enjoy each other and you use the pre-sex time to connect and get to know each other, then who cares what you’re doing? I can assure you that if you said to a man that you’d like to do something other than dinner one night, and he was interested in you beyond sex, he’d do it. He might not plan it, but he’d do it. If it bothers you, speak up. If you don’t, he’s just going to keep doing what he’s doing because he thinks it is working. Now, if he balks at it or doesn’t want to do anything else, then you have your answer about what sort of “relationship” you have. I think that’s the real issue. They assume that the less effort he makes to plan creative dates, the less interested he is or the more likely he is just interested in sex. It’s the path of least resistance/common sense thing again. You can’t go wrong with dinner. Ever.

Name: Lindsey
State: WA
Age: 27
Comment: I recently moved to a new city and decided to join Match to meet some singles in my area. I’ve been having difficulty meeting guys out, I usually hang out with a bunch of couples and none of them ever want to separate to play wingwoman. Whenever I go out with a bunch of girls, I’m usually the one guys come over to chat with – im not afraid to admit that I am an attractive girl. I’ve been told I’m a great catch and yes I will admit I am somewhat picky. I’m not look to just date anyone for the hell of it, I want someone I have a real connection with, and that has been hard to come by lately. Anyways, I met 2 guys online that I was really interested in (there are some slim pickings in my area, I receive 5-10 emails/day but only a few I am ever attracted to). Well both guys texted to take me out to dinner either this past Saturday/Sunday. I really liked Guy #1 and wanted to see him Saturday and Guy #2 could be Sunday night. Guy #1 and I were flirting all day up to 2 hours before date time. One hour before our date he cancels on me. Said he was at his grandma’s and they were giving him crap for wanting to leave early. I said I understood and would be willing to move the time back. He said he was sorry and that he would let me know when he left. I never heard from him. I was bummed but started to look forward to my dinner date with Guy #2 the next night. The very next day he texted me to say he had to cancel (to help a friend with an unexpected move) and he would like to reschedule. I said that I understood and would be willing to reschedule. Still haven’t heard from him. Any idea why these guys flaked? I find it very rude when people have total disregard for other people’s time. Did they get nervous and couldn’t follow through? Should I or should I not give them a second chance (if I hear from them)?

You might very well be the “hot” one in your group, but online you are a small fish in a big pond. There are a lot of beautiful, intelligent, funny women in their late twenties on those sites.  Off line you might have the upper hand. Online, you don’t. Hence why these two guys flaked. This is one of the downsides of that “shopping cart” mentality created by online dating we discussed last week. They blew you off because they believe they can easily find someone else. Since you seem to hold yourself in pretty high regard, I imagine that the men that interest you are also in demand. Which means they have options. Lots of them. You are just one. So, online, you are more expendable than you might be offline.

This likely has nothing to do with how you look, your age, etc. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you. This mentality is extremely common and widespread. We all have been infected with this bug called icandobetteritis.

I doubt they got nervous. That sounds like something your friends might have told you or that you might have told yourself so you’d feel better. These guys just weren’t that invested in you. If they can get you, they can get another woman like you. That’s why they could cancel on you last minute. You assumed that, because you’re very attractive, you’re experience would be different and that men would be eager to meet you.That’s entitlement and it doesn’t belong on an online dating site. It doesn’t belong anywhere in dating, but especially not on Match.com. You are not a unique snowflake, L. Not online. Not even offline.

Should you go out with them if they ask? Sure. Why not? This sort of behavior is common on online dating sites. People talk, they make plans, they cancel, they disappear for a couple weeks…then they resurface. There are a dozen reasons why they flaked. The main one being that meeting you just wasn’t a priority for them for whatever reason. It’s not as much about you as you might fear.

The flaking used to bother me, too, until I figured out that this happens to everyone and not just me. On the topic of flaking, though, let me tear down the fourth wall a bit.

Last spring I met  a guy online. We made plans to go out. He canceled day of. He followed up that night and rescheduled. Well, tried. He could never seem to commit to a night. So I just stopped responding. He contacts me again a month later. Again, we exchange messages and text for a few weeks. He was traveling here and there, switching jobs, etc. Busy, busy, busy. He says he’s free one specific week and wanted to meet. I figured there was no harm in it. Maybe it would be fun. Maybe I’d get laid. Maybe it would turn in to something. Who knows? I tell him I’m free any night that week but Wednesday. He replies back and says he has plans Tuesday and Wednesday but Thursday or Friday might work. Super. We tentatively agree on Thursday.  Later that night he texts that Thursday is now out because he was some sort of work happy hour but that he was going to figure out another available night. I replied back and said that that wasn’t necessary, that it had already taken so much time to meet that it seemed pointless. I also said that this was involving far too much work and that that’s not what I was looking for. After all the back and forths, he had demonstrated to me that he either had little free time or that he was oblivious to how annoying his behavior was. Both are very bad signs, regardless of what the woman seeks.

Here’s another scenario. Guy emails me. We trade a few messages. This guy was very attractive, 39, wanted kids, etc. This would never go any where and I’d be dropped like a hot rock the minute he found what he was looking for. He wanted to meet for a drink. We exchange messages for a couple days (Red Flag). He says he’s free that night to meet for a drink. I gave him my number and said shoot me a text with further details. I then went on with my day. Didn’t hear from him. Two days go by and I hear nothing. By that time I had set up dates with two other guys more my speed. That Thursday night he sends me a text at..wait for it…11:30. Hilarious. I reply this next afternoon saying hello. We talk about our hometown of Boston. I tell him where I grew up. He replies with, “Cool.” I don’t reply.  He sends another text Friday night around 8 asking what I was doing that night? Uh, well, one thing on my list is deleting your text. There. Done. Cross that off. PS? I’m a 43 year old woman in Manhattan , oft passed over for the twenty and thirty something, and I’m not eager to meet you. Take that as a warning sign.

These two guys made it incredibly difficult for me to justify having sex with them, which is probably what those relationships would have become. Nothing wrong with that. It’s one thing to suspect that and know that that is a possibility. That’s always  a possibility. But when you’re presented with hard evidence that that will likely be the case, it’s hard to justify the sex. So, guys, if you want us to sleep with you….don’t give us reasons not to. The minute you cancel, flake, contact us last minute, etc you are making it harder for yourselves. Just like you, we gals want to make sure we get some return on investment for our efforts, be that a relationship or sex or a fun night out. If you annoy us before we’ve even met, the possibility of having one of those three is slim to none. Ergo,  there’s no point in us meeting you.

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It’s funny thing things we choose to take at face value because they align with our inner narrative.

“Well, if they’re divorced, at least that means they can commit.”

And my personal favorite…

“Why would you ask a SINGLE WOMAN for advice?”

While reading Private Man’s latest post, I came across an interesting comment.

If you want to seek advice from a woman, talk to a happily married woman. There’s a huge difference in how they respond, versus the single bitter woman. – Anonymous

Another commenter responded with:

“If you want to seek advice from a woman, talk to a happily married woman who has been married for many years. There’s a huge difference in how they respond, versus the single bitter woman.” There. Fixed that for you. A woman who can remain happy in her marriage once the big day is over and reality has set in probably is a valuable resource. Women place way to much emphasis on marriage and being married. The credit they give women just for being married is undue. - Sheldon

Allow me to now amend Sheldon’s statement:

The credit they give women just for being in a relationship or married is undue.

There. Fixed that for ya, Shel.

It’s true. Women, for the most part, place a heavy emphasis solely on the fact that a man can commit or that a woman can get a man to commit. The quality of those relationships doesn’t really matter. As long as they’ve “done it” then those people hold a higher place on the relationship food chain and have more credibility. Watch how women react to the men in the comments or in posts that appear to be “serial daters” or “not looking for commitment.” Some women love to throw that in their faces in an attempt discredit them. (Fun fact: Upon doing a little research, those guys come from families where their parents are still together. Something else people dismiss that they shouldn’t.)

There are other attributes that could imply that someone has the ability to both commit and develop a healthy relationship that have nothing to do with relationship history. Starting with:

1. Owning a Pet- Taking care of an animal is a big commitment. Not only that but it takes nurturing and patience. I know people who plan dates around being able to get home and walk their dog. They aren’t going to let their pet hold it in until 10 or 11pm when they get home. You also don’t get a dog or cat, take them home and they magically behave. There’s training involved. Which takes patience and a time investment.

2. Owning a Home - It’s rare that someone invests 25K or so in a home and then bail a year or two later. They worked hard to save up some or all of that money. By buying a home, they are agreeing to take on all the responsibilities involved. They don’t have the luxury of ringing up the super to unclog their drain.

3. Holding long time friendships/Being at a job for several years – Friendships take work. It’s easy to let them slip to the wayside. They take maintenance. Friendships, like romantic relationships, have peaks and valleys. Friends don’t take advantage of each other (often). Friends apologize even if they know they’re wrong. Friends are supportive. It’s almost impossible to avoid conflict or disagreements in a years/decades long friendship or job position. Learning how to navigate these arguments effectively takes skill.

All of these things require a willingness to commit, effective communication, conflict management and compromise.

Other things to consider when trying to determine someone’s ability to commit or ability to have  a relationship:

1. Does this person support themselves (for the most part?) - Someone who is responsible for paying their own bills/debt and other day to day needs usually does so through hard work and discipline.  Getting help from parents every now and then is one thing. Being mostly supported by your parents is another. Some who is financially aided by parents typically miss out on some major life skills. Namely financial management and general responsibility.

2. Are they surrounded by sycophants? – When you’re always being told what you want to hear, you never learn how to disagree. Nor do you learn how to deal with criticism.

3. Are they emotionally mature? – A lot of people have an overly idealized or romanticized view of relationships. When reality doesn’t match up to their fantasy, they’re more likely to quit the relationship.  This is one of if not the biggest hurdle that many single women encounter. Especially women who have been single for a very long time. They’ve been alone for so long and are likely surrounded by women like them that their ideas about relationships never mature. They’re expectations and perspectives are almost childlike and definitely one-sided. They are baffled by the simplest of things.

There are a lot of people out there who commit pretty effortlessly. I’ve spoken about the guy I know who, by age 30, has already lived with 3 different women. Take that at face value and he might have real relationship potential. Dig a little deeper and you learn that he cheated on two of them. Multiple times. For years.

Still want him to be your boyfriend?

One’s experience with commitment has little to do with one’s understanding of commitment. And like anything, a true understanding of something involves knowledge of all aspects of the experience. Not just the act itself.

Name: JP
State: MA
Age: 39
Comment: I met a guy at one of your speeddating events last month. We ended up being a mutual match and set up a date right away. The date went really well (I thought) and at the end of the night he walked me to my car and asked to see me again.

At the end of the week I received an email from him and he told me that he had been out with someone else from the event twice and had decided to see where that went instead of trying to date two different women. I said I understood and wished him luck. Was he lying and didn’t want to tell me he wasn’t interested? Isn’t the whole point of dating to meet different people?

Okay. I did a little research based on your email address and pulled up your attendance and match history. You’ve been to a couple of our speeddating events and you always get at least one match. So that’s a good sign.  But here’s what else I noticed. At the speeddating events you’ve attended, all of the men were from Boston or the surrounding areas (Brookline, Alston, etc.) You, however, lived in a suburb. Actually very close to my home town, which is wicked pissa. Via car, that is an almost 30 minute commute. 45 if you include parking. By train it’s about an hour commute.

Do I think that, if you lived in Boston proper, you would have seen him again? I don’t know. I know a lot of men who don’t like to juggle simply because they aren’t good at it, forget certain stories etc and just find the whole idea of juggling overwhelming. So he could very well be telling the truth. However, where you lived and the commute definitely pushed you over in to the “No” category.

Everybody has one of those detractors. Something pretty big that takes off points. Age, location, body type are the big three.

Let’s start with Age. It’s not rocket science. Men will almost always choose younger. That’s it.

Location. I will brace my self for the inevitable accusations of being an elitist snob when I say this. Location matters. As I said to people at our He Said/She Said event (we’re planning one for Boston in March, btw) recently, if you live in a suburb or in New Jersey then you’re pretty much wasting your time and money signing up for a singles/social event in Manhattan. The reality is that if someone lives in a big city like Boston or DC or Manhattan, they don’t have to leave that city to date. And no, it doesn’t count that you work in the city and are “there all the time.” There is always somebody to date in either Manhattan, Queens, Astoria or Brooklyn. We have everything we need in a nice comfy little radius. That’s why people generally live in a city like Boston or Manhattan or Chicago or DC. Convenience.

Body Type. Okay. Another area where I’ll brace myself for backlash. Being overweight or out of shape in a city that places a strong emphasis on looks/health is not good. It’s a big factor in why someone – male or female – might struggle. Note: If you don’t struggle and do just fine with your body type, then I’m not addressing you. There are plenty of women who do just fine because they carry themselves so well and know their audience. I will say this and say it with the best of intentions – if you’re constantly meeting people who treat you poorly, blow you off, have difficulty getting dates, meet people that have sex with you and never call, use you for free meals etc and you’re carrying around a noticeable amount of extra weight, lose it. Instead of bitching to friends or on blogs, use that time at the gym if only because it will help you live longer and stay healthy.  You and your date might have a fine time together. But if there is someone on the roster who is thinner and just as engaging, guess who is probably going to get the top slot on that person’s dating card?

This is the challenge of dating, especially online dating or speeddating, where people are presented with multiple options. Like that CNN article I posted recently said, that has created a “shopping cart mentality” amongst singles. That’s why it’s important to either accept the reality of your situation or do something to change it and improve your odds.

JP, maybe you should try to date men in your area. If you’re looking for more “sophisticated” guys, then my suggestion is to move closer to the city. Same goes for people in Long Island/New Jersey. You’re competing against convenience, and that is a difficult contest. On the topic of “sophistication” please allow me to say this…A lot of people like to come in to the city for the “culture” and the “sophisticated” atmosphere. For some reason, many people who don’t live in a big city think that the average dater is hob knobbing with Andy Warhol or rich financiers. I think this is another by product of Sex & The City. Maybe on occasion we attend a poetry reading or an art gallery opening, but for the most part we don’t really do anything more than dinner or drinks on dates.

I can remember taking a tour of HowAboutWe.com, a niche dating site where people post profiles along with interesting date ideas, and wondering if people actually did any of those activities on first dates. Personally, I find activity first dates to be rather awkward. But that’s me. In any case, we’re really not as exciting or “sophisticated” as some people who live outside a big city might think. Like I said, most of us live here for the convenience and similar mindsets. Not the culture. People who choose to come to or live in Manhattan “for the culture” are usually either pretentious snobs who are neither intellectual nor cultured or people from small towns with a romanticized idea of what “big city living” is really like.