Name: Wondering
Comment: I am a 49 female and recently divorced and did the online dating profile thing went out on a few dates and more or less concluded that dating does not appeal to me right now. I am balancing full time work and part time school so I do not have much free time and my long term goal is to relocate closer to an aging parent so I can be available to help and to enjoy quality time while I can. Is it normal to still be interested in men but not that excited about dating? I worry that the longer I put it off the more likely I will end up just giving up and I know from reading your column that you advise women in my age group to set the bar low. I am not delusional about myself, I am average looking and nerdy with a better than average job and I don’t think I am going to land some wealthy dude who travels the world and speaks several languages. Do I date just for the practice even though I have low motivation or is it wiser to wait until I am motivated? I am not even sure what my dating goals are, I went out with one man who told me five-seconds into meeting that he did not want to get married again and I responded ” um that is nice can I order my coffee first”.  I felt like mega rookie.  What do you think?
Age: 49
City: Memphis
State: TN

While I think it’s smart to take care of yourself in times of stress, I do think some harm can come from giving in to Dating Fatigue.

When everything was going on with my parents last summer/fall, I definitely lost interest in dating and sex. I felt like it was wrong for me to pursue anything romantic or sexual because of everything happening back home. Of course, the sadness and grief and all that stuff weighed on me, too. You find yourself feeling numb at times,  drained from all the emotion and worry and guilt and everything else that bubbles up to the surface in times like that.

It’s okay to cocoon yourself for a bit. I just wouldn’t do it for too long. Yes, you will probably end up getting so comfortable not dating that going back out there will be stressful. I ended up going on a date about right after my Step-mother passed away, a date I was going to cancel.I ended up meeting someone that I dated for several months. He sent me a text after the Boston Bombings to see how my family was, and we chatted about what he was up to. He had a new girlfriend, which I knew about because he had told me he had met someone who wanted what he wanted and he felt he had to pursue that. Which I understood. I walked away from that text exchange feeling a bit of regret, wondering if we had met at a different time, could I have given him what he wanted. The deaths of my Dad and step-mom were rough enough, but to learn that she had cut my sisters and I out of her will – something I know she knew would have crushed my father – really made me skeptical. You could love and adore someone your whole life, and they could still turn on you in the end. Even if you literally give your life for them. At the time, committing to someone seemed so pointless. Why? So you could just eventually betray me? No thanks. I’m slowly coming out of that place, but it’s a struggle.

Bu he’s happy, and I’m happy for him. I’m also grateful that I had him for the time that I did. He was a great source of comfort for me. And I think we need those people in our lives when we’re enduring heavy emotional stuff. Cutting ourselves off from that really just impedes our ability to be available. That’s why you shouldn’t engage in Dating Detoxes and Breaks and what not. It’s too easy to become completely closed off. There’s never going to be the perfect time. Ever. I know people – and I’ve done this myself – who say, “I’ll wait until I lose ten pounds/get a job/am totally over my ex to date.” That ideal point in time rarely ever comes. It’s just an excuse to not date and have to risk rejection. Date for the practice, date for the experience, date because it’s fun and a great way to meet new people. Just date. Don’t wait.

I went out with one man who told me five-seconds into meeting that he did not want to get married again and I responded ” um that is nice can I order my coffee first”.  I felt like mega rookie. 

Hah. He’s the rookie. Not you. He’s the one with issues. Not you. He had to unload all his junk on to you on your date. That’s a Bad Dater.

Also? Don’t try and decide what men will or won’t find attractive. There are so many guys out there who find nerdy girls beautiful and attractive. Truly. Don’t get in your head like that. Yes, it’s good to have appropriate expectations, but don’t completely cut yourself off at the knees like that. I’ve found that many women haven’t a clue what men actually find attractive or what they notice or don’t notice.

Name: Lou

Comment: I have been online dating for a few years and I do not have any kids. Most women in my age range have kids. But I have come across something that is new to me. The woman I am dating for 3 weeks now does not have residential custody of her kids. The kids (ages 6,10,12) live with their Dad in the house she used to live at also. She  moved out and now lives about a mile from the house and sees the kids every day for a few hours after school and on the weekends. They sometimes stay overnight with her at her apartment on the weekends. She works 9-3 at her job which allows her to spend some time with the kids after school before the Dad gets home from work. Since they have a babysitter, she is able to leave the house before he gets home since they (her and her ex) always end up arguing when they see each other in person.

I have never heard of a Mom not living with the kids. In every case, if the Dad did OK financially , he would be the one to move out and then pay child support and alimony so the kids could live with the Mom in the house. Every single/divorced Mom I ever dated, lived with the kids and the Dad has visitation rights. This scenario is completely reversed and I don’t know what to think.

I know this is a potential red flag. Or it may not be a red flag at all.   She seems really cool, the sex is good and we have fun when we are together.  But I know part of me is judging her and this arrangement. I was wondering where you and your readers came down on this topic.
Thank you.
Age: 46
City: Buffalo
State: NY

Thoughts?

Name: Christine

Comment: My question is: at what point should you become a top priority in the guy you’re dating’s life?

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months. We met through okcupid. He’s 28, and I’m 26. Our first 3 dates were very nice – dinner followed by drinks at a bar. For our fourth date, he invited me to a party his friend was having. So, I got to meet a bunch of his friends (I think it went well). However, the next few times we met up were either late at night with his friends, or me meeting him after he’d already hung out with his friends. I have tried to be flexible about this, because he’s been flexible with me to an extent (there were a few times he wanted to meet up and I couldn’t because of work or prior commitments with my own friends, but I suggested alternative days, which he agreed to).

Last Friday night, he texted me around 8pm telling me he was going to dinner with his friends, and would be in touch later about when we could get together. I already had plans, so I told him I couldn’t do tonight but how about Saturday. He said that was fine. But Saturday, his idea of plans was to meet me at a bar after he (again) had dinner with his friends.

I agreed to meet him, and basically just told him that this arrangement wasn’t working for me. I said I wanted to get to know him better, and that that wasn’t going to happen if we were always meeting late at night or with his friends. He seemed to genuinely agree with me and apologized profusely. He chalked it up to his being “very immature”, and basically told me that it’s difficult for him to make me a priority over his guy friends whom he’s known for 10 years (since college), while he’s known me for only 2 months. He also mentioned how a lot of his guy friends are starting to get married etc and that he finds that scary, but that he understands it’s just a natural progression and that he probably needs to grow up and behave differently, and that he does like me a lot.

I asked if he’d be able to change his behavior, since I didn’t see a point in continuing this if not, and he said he wasn’t sure, and asked if he could think about it. I said “sure” (which seemed to surprise him – maybe he was expecting me to freak out or yell at him), and then suggested we leave and he could let me know.

So, we went our separate ways that night, and I really wasn’t sure whether I’d ever hear from him again. 2 days later, he texted me asking if I’d like to have dinner with him on Saturday at 8pm at a very nice restaurant. He didn’t directly address our prior conversation, but I was obviously thrilled, and took the dinner suggestion plus the early time as a sign that he did want to try with me.

Then, incredibly, on Saturday morning, he cancelled on me. He told me that he was unaware that three of his good college friends were in town on Saturday, and all of his friends had plans to meet up and that he didn’t want to miss this. He said we’d just move the dinner to another night. I said fine and have fun.

So, now I’m sitting here wondering what I should do. Do I just end it? I feel like with the Saturday invitation he took a step forward, only to immediately take 2 steps back with the cancellation. Or should I continue to see him hoping he becomes more attached and wants to spend more time with me?

Am I unreasonable to expect him to make me a priority after 2 months of dating? He does have a large group of friends that he seems very close with.

Or is he just not that interested? I don’t think he is seeing anyone else (based on his availability to see me on both Friday and Saturday sometimes).

If he’s not that interested, is there anything I can do to get him interested in me again?
Age: 25
City: New York
State: NY

I followed up with the OP and asked whether or not she was sleeping with this guy. Here’s her answer:

I went through every date in my head: We did sleep together on every date except the first and sixth dates (first because it was the first, and sixth because we were both way too drunk).

Before I get into my answer to this letter, let’s address the whole “I didn’t sleep with him on the first date because it was the first date, but I TOTALLY boned him on the second date” thing. If you’re going to wait to have sex because that’s what you’re comfortable with and you want to get to know someone, then actually wait. Sleeping with a guy on the second date just because it’s not the first date achieves absolutely nothing other than letting the guy know you follow a bunch of arbitrary, stupid rules. Any regard or respect you think you gained by waiting ONE WHOLE DATE exists only in your head. Guys play along because nine times out of ten the woman who says she doesn’t have sex on the first date usually puts out on the second date. It’s childish and immature and is a red flag (albeit one they overlook) to a man.

It sounds like you want him to be more flexible while at the same time not being terribly flexible yourself. When you don’t cancel plans due to work or commitments to friends, it’s somehow acceptable. But when he does it, he’s wrong.

He pre-emptively admitted that he’s immature and feeling pressured to settle down because all of his friends are getting married, etc. It’s a ruse. He told you that to get you to back down a bit. He was just beating you to the inevitable punch. He knew where you were going with this, and has probably even heard the same complaints from other women, so he decided to throw himself down on the sword. He was telling you, in a nice way, that he’s taken you out a handful of times and you need to chill and that his friends mean more to him than you do at this point.

He took you out on four “real” dates. He’s done with that. You’re not someone for whom he’s going to rearrange his life. If you want to end it, do it. He’s anticipating that. He’s going to continue doing what he wants because he’s not invested in whether you stick around. He won’t cut you loose because he’s not going to give up the consistent sex. He might even miss you, but he’s not going to fight to keep you.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to make me a priority after 2 months of dating?

Nice try. You’ve had all of 6 to 8 dates with him. You’re saying you’ve been dating for about two months because framing it in those terms lends credibility to your argument. In reality, it’s been a handful of dates. No, it’s not reasonable to expect to be a top priority to a man you’ve dated 6 or 7 times. At best you’ve spent all of 36-48 hours together with him. You and he barely know each other, regardless of how close you think you and he have become.

This is how dating is for many people now. There is a lot of ambiguous “hanging out” with groups and casual plans. A lot of men are just in no rush to commit. They’re not locking themselves into anything too quickly because a) they don’t want to and b) they don’t have to. So if you want to see if this has potential, you’re going to have to suck it up for a bit longer.  If your goal is to “get to know him” you can achieve that regardless of how the time together is spent. That’s an excuse you’re using to try and get him to spend more alone time with you.  I’d be far more suspicious of a man who was eager to commit and readily available right away than one who dragged his feet a bit.

Here’s my latest for The Sexy Feminist

“Why should I take dating advice from you? You’re single.”

This is a comeback I’ve heard many times for the six years I’ve been writing my advice column, And That’s Why You’re Single.  Apparently, in order for a woman who writes about dating to be taken seriously, she needs to have a man to trot out or cite as evidence that she knows of what she speaks.

 

My answer to this pointed question is quite succinct. I don’t need a man in my life in order to practice common sense and critical thinking. People throw the fact that I’m single (as far as they know) in my face to try and discredit me.  This one query reveals quite a bit about the person posing it. Namely, that they consider a woman’s ideas and opinions invalid unless she has a man by her side to validate them.

This question isn’t really a question. It’s an attempt to minimize my thoughts. The point of the inquiry is to shame me. Apparently, a woman who isn’t constantly looking for excuses to talk about her relationship is considered suspect.

Read the rest here.

I’ll just leave the link here and let you guys discuss it.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-went-to-skinny-mini-speed-dating/

I am at a sports bar waiting for “Skinny Mini Speed Dating” to start. I am here “undercover” as a journalist and should be mingling with the men who are here to meet “women under size 8 only,” but instead I am staring, sort of detachedly, at sports on TV; men are jumping together in a huddle which must create friction, I think, the spandex rubbing together.

I scan the crowd of speed daters but instinctively look down at my phone whenever one of them makes eye contact.

“Oh my god,” the woman running the event says to me — who, maybe it should be noted, is not a size small or whatever – “I almost forgot! I have to put your size on your nametags. What size do you wear?”

Read the full article here.

And, no, this article isn’t about our speeddating events.

Thoughts?

Name: Scared
Comment: I am with this great boyfriend. He is a hardworking businessman, with a passion for fishing. We live 200 miles apart. He cares for me and spends a lot on buying me stuff.

I met him online a couple of years ago, and we got close over the months. Problem was, I was with my ex. We became good friends, chatted a lot through the phone and through the net. He hinted me that he liked me but I did not accept him at that point because I was still with my ex.

We did meet up but just as friends. Eight months after, me and my ex were having problems so we broke off. A month later, he brought his folks to meet me and things began to look serious. We took turns to visit each other. I even got to know some of his friends.

Then another month later, he invited me to a fishing trip with his friends at the end of 6 months. I agreed and he bought the plane ticket for me. However he told me that the trip lasts a week, and we are going with a whole bunch of his guy friends. I will be the only girl there. What really worries me the most is that during the trip, we won’t be able to communicate through phones so I will not be able to contact people on land.

Recently he got the hint that I am feeling nervous about the whole thing. He tries to persuade me, even by saying that he is willing to meet my family before we take off.

His intentions seem sincere but am I being paranoid? Should I follow him on this trip? Please advice, thanks.
Age: 26
City: Brooklyn
State: New York

Yeesh.  Who the hell brings their girlfriend along on a fishing trip with the boys? That alone would make me question this guy.

To me it seems that this guy has trouble meeting and keeping women. That’s probably because he’s so needy. Between buying you gifts to blowing up a boys weekend by dragging his girlfriend along, this guy sounds like he’s profoundly needy and insecure. Let’s address the red flags one by one.

He lives 200 miles away - Did all the women in his vicinity suddenly fall into a sinkhole or evaporate? He’s broadening his search that far because he has to. Women in his area likely don’t want him.

He hung around waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend – This, too, screams, “I have no options!” Only the most desperate of people would tolerate being treated as a surrogate gal pal.

He buys you things -  Again, I question any man who feels he has to buy my affections or impress me with presents of expensive things.

What really worries me the most is that during the trip, we won’t be able to communicate through phones so I will not be able to contact people on land.

Where is he taking you that you can’t use a cell phone? Who the hell goes on a fishing trip without making sure they can get a call out should something go wrong? There’s something off here. This guy lives hundreds of miles away, you’ve hung out with him a handful of times and now he wants you to go away with him for a week with his friends? What the whating what?

This guy isn’t a sociopath. He’s just clingy and desperate for a girlfriend. If that’s your bag, go for it. Just understand that this guy will eventually become suffocating.

What’s truly troubling to me is that you see absolutely nothing wrong with the behavior that this guy exhibits other than the fact that he chose a location for a vacation that doesn’t have  a cell signal. Is that really what’s troubling you? Because this sounds like a made up concern. I have to wonder if you’re real question involves the exact issues I’ve raised in this post. Are you uncomfortable with how available he has made himself? Are you maybe picking up on how cloying he is?

If so, that would make more sense.

Thoughts?

Name: AB
Comment: Three months ago, I met this guy at his place of employment as a client. We chatted for a long time before getting to why I was there. One month later, I saw him again for a follow up appointment. We chatted for nearly an hour before discussing business. In the end, I left with his email address to discuss some of our shared interests.

For the next three weeks, we emailed every 2-3 days, while both of us were on holiday. When he returned, he asked me to hang on a Saturday night. For the next 4 weeks, we hung out 1-2 times a week for about 4hr per hang. All time together was filled with constant big smiles and subtle flirting, but no clear advances due to shyness that we have since both acknowledged.

On Saturday night, he came over to watch a movie. I thought that this would be my chance. I shyly cozy up during the movie, leaning my head on his shoulder. At the end, I try to lean my face closer to him. But then he stopped me from trying to kiss him, saying that he just started seeing someone and doesn’t want to hurt her.

I was stunned because I thought we had chemistry and were slowing building something real. I told him that I felt something when I first met him and if he did too. I think that’s when he said he wants to be friends, and that I’m pretty, fun, great to talk with, awesome to hang.

The fact that he’s seeing someone means I am definitely backing off. But I’m left feeling a bit led on, hurt, and undesirable, even though I believe I’m somewhat attractive.

My questions are:
Should I kill the hope that he’ll come around? I feel invested in him.
Should I ignore his texts / stop sending him friendly texts?
Tell me more about the psychology of a dude in this position.

Age: 33
City: New York
State: NY

All time together was filled with constant big smiles and subtle flirting, but no clear advances due to shyness that we have since both acknowledged.

Yeah…no.  There were no advances because he was either a) already dating someone or b) not attracted to you.

The whole “but he’s shy!” excuse has been used in several letters lately. I think it’s another rationalization that women like to use to explain why a guy hasn’t made a move on her.  That alleged shyness has little to do with it. For whatever reason, he’s just not interested. If he were, he’d make a move. Especially if you and he were already spending so much time together. Either there was a lack of attraction or he fears you’re more interested than he is. If it’s the latter, he senses that you’re more invested and worries you might become needy or clingy in some way. He’s not afraid to ruin the friendship. For real. That’s another rationalization manufactured by women for women. It doesn’t exist.

I was stunned because I thought we had chemistry and were slowing building something real.

As controversial as this might sound, few men are hanging out with a woman they are attracted to and not trying to get physical. This idea that a guy is “being a gentleman” or “looking to build something real” are thoughts planted in our heads from other women. And they’re wrong. The reason they repeat these non-truths is because a man who sits and listens to a woman and “hangs” with her who shows no interest in sex is their wet dream. People like sex. One of the main reasons many of us date is for the sex. If someone is showing no interest in The Sex then there’s a problem. Write that down. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

My guess is that the reason he felt so comfortable with you is because he wasn’t attracted to you. You were a friend. A pal.

Yes, I would stop texting him and trying to be friends. It’s a disingenuous gesture and you know it. You wouldn’t be content with being just friends. Men and women only suggest that because they’re hoping the object of their affection will one day have an epiphany and realize that love has been right in front of them all along. That’s Rom-Com fantasy nonsense. That doesn’t usually happen.

For the sake of your mental health I would take a step back from this guy. He’s not available to you.