He took her out and things went well. So he called her again and they met up for a second time. She sent him a text a few days later and invited him over to her place.
He declined, saying he had to work late. But he didn’t have to work late.
“Third date. Her place. Wine. I know where that’s headed” he said.
“I thought you liked her” I said.
“I do. I’m just not ready for the intimacy involved with sex….though I’d probably take a blow job”
After congratulating him on that comment, I pressed further. What about the intimacy of intercourse vs. oral sex would make him apprehensive? To me, there’s intimacy and vulnerability involved with both acts. They’re just different. With intercourse, you’re connected not just through body parts but by your senses. You’re touching each other and looking at each other. The connection and the level of vulnerability can be stronger. With oral, while still connected and still incorporating the other senses, the intimacy part isn’t as intense and there’s not as much vulnerability, in my opinion. But it’s still present.
My friend J. and I were talking Saturday night about oral vs. intercourse and which we prefer. We both said it depended on the situation, whether it was with someone we cared for or just a casual hook-up. For casual situations, while I don’t say no, I don’t care if they go down on me or not. If they do, great. I don’t brush them away. But I prefer and enjoy it more when it’s a guy I know and trust. Same goes for my decision to head south. I prefer to save that for guys I truly like and care for. Doesn’t have to be a serious dating situation. I just have to feel comfortable with them and trust them. And I have to feel that they’ll appreciate it. I’m not wasting the pretty on someone who I don’t think will. One of the questions on OKCupid’s About Us section asks if you’d continue to date someone who said they didn’t like giving or receiving oral sex. I said no. I don’t know many guys who will go without receiving. I’m curious to hear how men and women would feel if they dated a wo/man who didn’t like giving head or who didn’t like receiving oral. I’ll say this: If a guy told me he didn’t really enjoy getting head…I’d be suspicious. And if a woman said she doesn’t like getting head, yet still maintains how great she is in bed, I’m calling bullshit there, too. Just my opinion. If someone is uncomfortable with a man or woman going down on them, then there’s something else going on that will get in the way.
Back to my friend G.
“I just don’t want to fuck anybody right now” he said.
I know he had broken up with someone in February. It had lasted under a year. He meets women pretty easily. Was he just not over his ex?
I asked him if intimacy was always a part of sex for him. Because sometimes it’s just about the act, about getting off, getting the poison out. But maybe that wasn’t the case for him? He couldn’t explain why he felt the way he felt. He just knew that he didn’t want to have sex with anyone yet.
Earlier this year I was out with a guy who expressed a similar concern. I knew immediately after we met that he was what I refer to as “emotionally shattered.” He wasn’t in a great place in his life, sleeping on a friend’s couch while he got his finances together to find his own place. I told him that we could just be friends and relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. It seemed to take the pressure off and got him to open up. (Yes, he said I could write about this.) He said he knew he wasn’t ready for the intimacy involved with sex or a relationship. “If I sleep with a woman, I’ll get attached, and I’ll get all fucked up.” He admitted to having done that before. A couple times. With women that were “totally cool and didn’t deserve that.” He led them to believe that they would see him again, slept with both, and then gave them both the pink slip days later when they each sent him email messages expressing interest in seeing him again. He told them that there would not be a repeat. And then he thanked them. For the sex? I have no idea. When one of them asked if he had lied when he told them he would see her again, he copped to it and said “Yes.” One took her profile down from the site almost immediately.
I grimaced when he told me that. I knew what that meant. He was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He was that guy/girl. The one that comes at the end of a string of bad dates that leave people burnt out and cause them to take a dating break. And there he was, still on the site, still going out with women. Maybe he was hoping there would be one woman that fixed him, that healed him. He, too, had broken up with someone about a year before.
The day after our date he took down his profile. But not before he sent me an email and thanked me “for being real.” He said he was going to take a hiatus from the site and “work on himself.”
I guess we assume that men are always down to fuck, or DTF, as the kids say. Apparently not.