Here’s an article from XOJane that I thought would make for interesting discussion.
In the story, the man and woman met online and are on their 2nd date. The first date goes really well. The second date, however, takes a bad turn. The guy is European, with the sexy accent to boot, who works on Wall Street. Not only does he literally tell her at the beginning of the 2nd date that he’s an asshole, but he also reveals that he and one of his Wall Street brahs committed a teensy bit of white collar crime and got slapped on the hand for it. The minute the writer revealed that the guy worked in finance and had an accent, I knew this wasn’t going to end well. In the same vein, as soon as she admitted that she has a thing for men with accents, I knew why she was in this situation. Most women, at one time or another, want to date their own personal James Bond. Guys with accents are exotic. (Date a few and you’ll realize how woefully unimpressive they really are.)
He willingly presents himself in a negative light by copping to fraudulent behavior. Do you know what that means? It means he doesn’t care what she thinks about him. There’s your #1 Red Flag that you’re on a date with a douche.
Similar red flags include:
1. Telling you he has a girlfriend but still tries to hook up with you
2. Admissions of cheating or other indiscretions that denote poor character.
3. Telling you that he’s not looking for anything serious but thinks you’d be great f*ck-buddy material.
On her part, she came off like less than a slice of heaven as well. Look, it’s a second date. A good general rule of thumb is to avoid conversations about politics, rape and murder. Jesus Christ. Have a drink, tell a knock knock joke, run your hand up his thigh and flirt a little. But no. She felt compelled to show just how intellectual and well-informed she was instead of just dismissing his initial obnoxious comment. This guy was never going to concede, nor did he even care what her opinion was on the subject. He made an ignorant and obnoxious comment either to intentionally rile her up or to shut down the topic because he didn’t wish to discuss it. She has mentioned that she self-identifies in her dating profile as a feminist. So there’s your explanation right there as to why he’d say something so arrogant. Maybe he was teasing her because he’s still 12 years old emotionally. Or maybe he sucks. Who knows. Polarizing topics don’t belong in a profile any more than they belong in conversation on the first few dates. He was clearly baiting her and she fell for it. That’s because, I think, she likes the drama and conflict involved with dating an asshole, a red flag of its own. We’ve discussed this particular author before. This isn’t the first time she’s written about a man calling her crazy or irrational or where she’s humblebragged about dating a pick up artist or felt insulted by a date. So either she is, in fact, crazy or irrational or she seeks out or creates conflict, which then leads to men calling her crazy and irrational. In my opinion, these two both performed a little self-sabotage.
The first few dates are about gauging compatibility and enjoying the moment. They’re not cage matches. A date should never take on the vibe of some kind of Gladiator-esque showdown. If it does, you need to pull back a bit and re-group. Drop any heavy topics or skirt them in some way. If someone says something that completely offends or unnerves you, leave. Don’t sit there trying to have an argument with them to prove your passion or intellect. You don’t owe anybody that that early on in a relationship. If they offend you, first try to gauge if they’re just being socially awkward or not. If they’re being rude, walk away.