Name: melisa
Comment: I started somehow a relationship with a guy (we are working in the same place but i’m just a part-time and he’s a full-time). I got to know him the last few months. First I thought he was in me and he was trying to create some occasions to get together along with other coworkers. Then he told he was separating with his-ex with whom he is still sharing the house (he says she will leave soon? when she finds a place but i don’t know when, or even it’s true). But he continued. He was trying to spend time with me and he seemed really interested and nice. I also liked to spend time with him. and we started somewhat a relationship after spending at most to weeks texting and seeing each other frequently but in a friendly basis. Then he told me that he likes me and we kissed the same day. We are kissing a lot in public areas, like high school kids. At the end of the first week, in a day he was sure that his ex wouldn’t come to home (which was also his last night before he left for a one moth work travel), i went to his flat and we had sex and i stayed there at the night.

Now things are quite confusing,
1. he introduced himself at a time that later understood he was in a relationship.
2. before the time we kissed for the first time he was so interested in me and was trying to spent as much time as possible with me; it change within 2 days, he put somewhat a distance, acted confusing. when i asked he said he’s confused because of the situation he’s in; and he knew it’s strange for us but it’s just a kind of weird ‘beginning’.
3. one night i visited him outside his apartment and he didn’t want us to be seen together by his ex, saying he didn’t want any drama. (His ex has a new relationship for almost 2 months by the way).
4. when i went his flat i saw their photos together still hanging on the board, which i couldn’t get but didn’t make an issue. When i simply mentioned the photos he acted neutral, with no reaction.
5. He waited to become alone to demand a skype talk with me. Before that he was on a conference with a coworker for one week. In that one week he was not trying to have a mutual contact. this made me uncomfortable. (You might think that i am expecting too much too soon, it’s true but he made me felt like that. because the second day of our ‘thing’ he told me that would miss me so much and he didn’t want to go…)

Positive signs:
- He’s texting me just before and after his flights and when he got his hotels.
- This week on skype or on any chatting medium he told me that he’s missing me several times.

for the completeness:
- While we were seeing each other friendly, i asked him i he wanted to get back together with his ex. He said no way. and that relationship ended. But again it’s what he says.
- I already told him that complication and confusion are the last things i need i my life right now. and even decided to end this issue that day but continued somehow.
- he’s around the same age with me.

So there is not a specific question: but the questions in my mind are “did i move too fast by  allowing him getting close in his first trial?” “should i slow down the things, but how?” i even logically think that i should suggest him “to move 2 steps backward to the friendship position and get to know each other better because things seem too complicated”.

As you see there is no clear question, but i liked your comments on other issues so i wanted to hear your opinion.

Thanks in advance
Age: 32
City: den haag
State: NL

I know you’re hoping that I’ll analyze this story from every angle, but I honestly don’t see the point. What I hear in this letter is drama. Drama, drama, drama. The first clue was the passive role you took in this scenario. You didn’t “somehow” get involved with this guy. You made a conscious choice to do so. You have continued to pursue this relationship despite all the hurdles and challenges. I honestly don’t think anything I say will affect how you approach this issue.

No, you shouldn’t try to go back to the point  before you and this guy hooked up. The conflict that has erupted in these scenario has nothing to do with his lack of familiarity with you. It has everything to do with the fact that he has a messy living situation and doesn’t want to tie up those loose ends. Also contributing to this is your willingness to stand by and wait as he figures out what to do next. He doesn’t want drama? That’s adorable. You don’t want confusion? How cute. Weird how you both managed to find the exact things you claim you wish to avoid. His ex has moved on and now he’s trying to do so, too. I won’t slag on him for still living with her, as many people choose to do that for financial reasons or because the timing isn’t right to move. That said, a mature person would realize that bringing somebody else into this mess probably isn’t wise. That’s the opposite of wanting to avoid drama. Remember what I said earlier: the red flags are in the inconsistencies.

My opinion is that this guy is not available and that you’re wasting your time.

As I was saying to a friend over the weekend, I really haven’t had much dating drama in my life in the past couple of years. Hence my increasing impatience with some of these letters. The way to avoid all of this wailing and gnashing of teeth is to simply decide, once and for all, that you’ve had enough and stay resolved to that. I don’t need to investigate particular arrangements, nor do I let my curiosity get the better of me and proceed when all signs point to chaos. I just say no. If a red flag is waving, I turn around and go the other way. It simply isn’t worth the emotional bandwidth that it sucks up to engage in settings like this. Making that easier is that I’ve all but curbed my need to complain or brag- publicly or privately – about my difficulties or successes. While my inner attention-whore cries out from time to time, for the most part she has been sated.

I honestly believe that many of the troubles we encounter in dating are driven by our need to be recognized and acknowledged.  That’s it. We don’t really want the people we claim to be chasing or pining for.  We just want something to announce and use as a bid for attention.  Something about these dating-related farces give people a false sense of importance. They’re black hole fillers and nothing more. In place of the intimacy we seek, we create drama for ourselves.

Try and find that spotlight somewhere other than through dating. All you will end up achieving is depleting yourself of the energy you’ll need to find and hold on to a healthy relationship. Instead of fearing that emptiness, embrace it. It’s the need to run away from that void and pretend that it doesn’t exist that leads us to jump at any opportunity to fill it.