Here is where I am lost about this…my ex and I ended dec 12th and I just found out he proposed to someone else 3 weeks after we ended. WE were together for FOUR years and he said he thought about it a few times, but never could do it. There are underlying things of course (email me for more info if you want) but I don’t get how he could do that with her.

They only ever had a crush on each other. They haven’t talked for years. She works for the same company but supposedly he says they never breached anything and was faithful. He never dated her, he never kissed her and they really only dated 3 weeks.

If a guy wants to be sure, how could this have happened?

Then I hear he has called her by my name a few times and he keeps calling me to see if I am ok. She hates that he talks to me and texted me so when I ask why he would he says “Because you NEED me.”

Up to this time we have been talking but I just thought they were dating. 3 days ago I found out he actually has been engaged this whole time. I am trying to cut the string and hook, but I still love him and would wait for him. I think he is in the honeymoon phase of the dating thing and when he sees her for real will walk away.

2 things I cant have babies she can and he wants that
2nd (I am not trying to be mean but honest) she is low hanging fruit and I know I am not so I feel she is safe

I am at a loss about this. Any advice on any part of this would be helpful.

I checked out your blog, which you linked to when you wrote in this letter.  I don’t think anything I say will have an impact. You are convinced of so many things, all of them wrong. So wrong. I don’t even feel right snarking on this letter because it seems cruel. You are clearly in pain and I’m truly sorry for that. But you are not in a place where you want to hear the truth. You’re reading Eat, Pray, Love for Christ’s sake. You’re looking for trite, pat, oogity boogity explanations and stories of soul mates and mirrors to avoid seeing the real truth.

This guy? Broken. Didn’t love you. Doesn’t love you. Probably never loved you. He was with you because you were broken, too. I don’t say that to be cruel. I say that because you need to get that. You need to understand that these types of people don’t just fall out of the sky and into our lives. We welcome them in.

You want to believe what he said because considering the alternative – that he was lying all the time or never had any intention of ever delivering on his promises – would be far too painful. You want to believe. And until you’re ready to not believe and accept the truth, you’re going to look anywhere and everywhere for signs and excuses and reasons why you should keep on this path.Right now, you need to believe that all his concern and remorse and interest was real. More than likely? It wasn’t. Ever.  Look at his actions and compare them to his words. Note the polarity. This guy hasn’t just been a dick. This guy is blindsiding you with hurt. It’s sadistic.

There’s nothing worse than realizing that you were used or played for the fool. It sucks. It can be gut wrenching. But the good thing is that, once you experience it, you have the ability to become fearless. It’s like that Jeff Bridges movie where he survives a plane crash. He starts walking in the middle of traffic and on ledges of buildings. He either has convinced himself that he is somehow immortal or he simply no longer fears the idea of dying. What ever the result of this traumatic accident, he stopped being afraid.

Then I hear he has called her by my name a few times and he keeps calling me to see if I am ok. She hates that he talks to me and texted me so when I ask why he would he says “Because you NEED me.”

His calls to you to “check in” are likely just attempts by him to keep you in this suspended state of delusion.  These types of guys do stuff like this. They’ll stay in your orbit in some way, directly or indirectly. This guy will absolutely keep tabs on you and even stay in touch. It has nothing to do with him harboring feelings for you. That is about wanting to see if you’re still attached, still thinking about them, still hurting. If you are, then that means that they still have some part of your attention or focus. It’s all very ego driven and disingenuous.

You don’t need him. He is the one who is in need. He needs to believe that you need him. That’s the narrative going on in his head. That’s why men and women like him like  to cry “stalker.”  They’re not actually being stalked. They like to tell people that because it’s a way for them to present themselves as more desirable or important than they really are. And, oh look. He’s telling his fiancee about how he’s calling you, or she’s finding out because she’s watching him very closely. Nothing says “I love you” more than roping the people they claim to love in to their little charade or drama and causing them to be insecure.

This guy doesn’t love you or her. He isn’t capable of it. He’s damaged goods. These guys are so…common. (As in pedestrian.) They’re emotional grifters.

It’s time for you to hit that proverbial wall and confront the truth. It was all a lie and you bought it. Enough with the sea salt baths and Eat, Pray, Love. Yes, this guy was a mirror of you in some way, as a character in the book says. But, hon, that’s not a good thing. Forget about him and figure out why you were so desperate to believe this loser.

Oh, and edited to add:

I can’t believe I forgot to mention this. STOP BLOGGING ABOUT THIS. Yes, I know. He neeeeever reads your blog. You dated this guy for years? You really think he’s not hopping online to see how his behavior has affected you? Trust me. He is. Regularly. If you have a Twitter account, either lock that up or never mention him publicly. Create a new Twitter account strictly for venting if you like. Don’t change your Twitter handle because that doesn’t work. Most twitter apps just direct you to their new handle. (*snerk*)  This is what I mean by indirectly staying in your orbit. I can assure you that he’s monitoring your every thought online. Lock your blog up and make it password protected and give it to readers you know. When you no longer give a flying f*&% what he thinks, and you will, you can unlock everything. I can assure you, though,  that he’ll still be monitoring you by then. He obsessed with himself. He can’t help it. So be kind.