State: New York
Question: Last week, I went out for drinks with a man I’d met online. From the get-go, we had great chemistry and conversation. There was never an awkward moment, and things quickly progressed to the more personal. He confessed he had been married; I confessed I’d been engaged. We told each other all kinds of secrets. And, being both very sexually open people, we started talking about sex and making out. Although I put up a little bit of a fight, I ended up going home with him, and we had sex.
Even after the sex, things seemed to be going well. He said he was “excited” about meeting me. We both wanted the date to continue, so we went out for late-night pancakes. I had to go home to my dog, but he gave me his sweater to wear. We realized I’d accidentally left my panties somewhere in his apartment.
The next morning, he texted to see if I’d gotten home okay and said he’d found my underwear. He suggested a trade-back and came over that afternoon to hang out. We had sex and I returned his clothes, but he forgot to return mine. He sent me a flirty text afterwards saying that I’d just have to see him again if I wanted the underwear back.
A few days later, we exchanged a bunch of cute text messages (in which he was asking questions, engaging in the conversation, etc.) and he hinted he was bored. So, I decided to take initiative and ask him out. “My dog and I are about to go have an adventure, if you’re feeling bored.” Well, I never heard from him again.
If this guy really just wanted a casual hook-up, fine – but then why keep leading me on with flirty texts? Did he actually want something more serious but I spoiled it by sleeping with him? Did I spoil it by asking him on a date?And maybe most importantly–will I ever get my panties back?
We both wanted the date to continue, so we went out for late-night pancakes.
Hmm. I have a theory here. I can remember reading a woman’s blog a couple of years ago and she was talking about some younger dude (she was 40) that she had met online. She and this guy had had sex for a series of Sundays (like 3) and so she referred to him as Sunday Boy. She was terribly proud of the fact that she managed to get this young brah to sleep with her on a somewhat weekly basis. She said that she and the guy would get together at his place, have sex and then they’d go out to grab a bite to eat after. This was the drill every time. I can remember thinking, as I read her story, that going out to eat after the sex was more a sly way to get her out of his apartment than any sort of gesture of genuine interest.
If I’m following your story correctly, you and this guy met up for a first date and then went back to his place for the sexy time and then you two decided to go for pancakes, yes? Ok. Here’s a novel way for a date to continue: sleep over. Having to get up and get dressed and leave a warm bed post-coitus is kind of the opposite of continuing a date. (Dog or no dog.) The post-hook-up chit chat and lounging around and falling asleep together, in my opinion, is the best part. That’s where things begin to take a more substantive turn. It is by no means an indicator that he wants to be your #omigahboyfriend, but it is a sign that he enjoys your company beyond the sex or is at least willing to pretend to. This guy wasn’t even willing to pretend. It was sex and then exit stage left. The line was drawn.
When you suggest taking things to a non-sexual/more emotional place, he disappears. There is your answer. He’ll resurface, I’m sure. But the flirty text exchange was really just a way for him to try and get you to hook-up again and nothing more.
As for your panties, forget ‘em. That’s like when women”accidentally” leave earrings at a guy’s place. Sometimes you genuinely forget. More often it’s done somewhat intentionally so as to provide an excuse to contact the guy.
I would play it cool and let this guy come back around. Just understand that he’s not looking for anything terribly involved. He’ll text you in a few days, once he feels there’s been enough distance and you’ve detached a bit.
I eagerly await all of the comments from folks who tell you how stupid you were for having sex with the guy and how he doesn’t respect you and you were a pump and dump. Even if you hadn’t slept with him his respect level would be exactly the same. The sex was not why this guy behaved the way he did. He was going to do this whether you slept with him after one date or after ten.
It’s unfortunate, but you just can’t read too much into anything that is said or done in situations like this. Offering up confessions and revealing secrets is often just a strategy. It’s done to establish or create a sense of intimacy. You can’t place much emphasis or importance on something like that. Sometimes the mood just takes over and we feel comfortable. Other times we are intentionally looking for a way to establish a connection. If someone just wants a meal or attention or sex, they’re going to do whatever they need to do to ensure that they get what they want. There’s no guarantee that if they do/say XYZ that they’re being genuine. It’s all part of the process. The only thing we can do is remain detached and only give of ourselves what we can without regretting it after the fact. We’re not wrong or bad or stupid for believing or trusting or going with a particular flow. The more we do this, the more we build up a tolerance and understanding of how things work.
Take a few steps back and go meet someone else. It’s as easy as that. If he comes back around, great. Throw him up on the board as a possible option as you continue filling your roster.