Name: Eleanor
Age: 30
City: Carbondale
State: CO
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Comment: I’ve read your blog for a few months, but as a (potential) contributor, I’m a virgin…try to be gentle?

Everybody plays a fool…sometimes.

I live in the mountains in Colorado. It’s lovely, but remote- as you’d imagine -moving here as a single woman has yielded a wealth of professional growth, but not companionship. I soon figured out the bar scene was not the place to remedy this. And though it’s winter here, I’m one of few with no real interest (money to burn) in skiing or snowboarding. So I decided to try okcupid for a few months. (dun dun dun DUUUN!)

I went on a number of dates, nothing special. This was ok by me; we can find a value to each experience even if it isn’t the one we had in mind. One day, a man emailed me and we hit it off.

He was my age, articulate, into rugby, and Irish. Like me, he worked with computers, enjoyed dry wit, his presentation style was a bit blunt, he seemed to be looking for more than a one night stand. All appealing fare to me. Pretty soon, we graduated from email to text, then to phone. That week felt great, with calls each night lasting near to dawn; it had been a long time since I’d felt any sort of connection with a man. Yes, I’ll admit it: we had phone sex. Once. Barring stigmas, it was grand fun, and no regrets!

Then he asked to see me. But in order to do so, he’d have to drive 4 hours. We talked about it for a while, neither one wanting to over-step any boundaries, deciding in the end that we wanted to meet. My apartment is a separated basement level of a home in which the family I rent from lives, and they would be a wall away. Anyway, my intuition told me I didn’t have cause for worry. I offered to make dinner for us there.

The night came, and he arrived. I served us drinks and cooked while we talked. By the time dinner was in the oven, he asked to kiss me, and I said yes.

Most people can recall a few times where an attraction was unmistakable, a tension hanged in the air, building to the point where a simple gesture comes on like a collision. Make fun if you want, it was a great feeling. Familiar with the nature of passion as I am, I knew it likely wouldn’t last, and that perhaps it was only a feeling I had in my head, in my body…and all the other things about red flags, people just saying things to get sex, and the rest. I make choices knowingly that I can live with. I felt I could talk to this guy, and I liked him enough, to be open and see what happened. It was not my first rodeo.

I don’t use sex as a tool for respect. If it feels right to me in the moment, and I can accept whatever the consequences might be, then I’m in. I don’t give credence to any double standards between the sexes in regards to the quickness of sex. I’m selective, with changing wants and needs over time, and according to each circumstance. My ideal is a lasting companionship- but delaying sex an arbitrary amount of time is not going to make that possibility more likely, nor will it determine, in my mind, whether or not a mutual respect exists between two people. If it feels right, I’m go for take off, working with the information I have at the time.

Needless to say, he stayed the night. We were in bed for hours, and to this day, I don’t feel bad about it.
Though by now any astute reader has caught on to my use of the past tense as foreshadow; for, why else would I be writing this? The truth is, I have begun to seriously doubt my ability to judge men, to read what people are doing when I’m inside the situation. With someone else, I can see it a mile away- but when it’s me, clouds descend. I have been in bad relationships and good ones. I’ve had experience with abuse. All I want is to seek, in earnest, perspective on how I might improve upon that seeming ineptness on my part.

Before the date, he pursued me. After, he did not. Except in text message form. He phoned one time after we met, one time alone- when I basically insisted we speak and not text, the week I had a car wreck and health issues spring up simultaneously. He said I shouldn’t question his motives based on something as trite as phoning- but on his actions in the long run. He said he didn’t have enough minutes on his phone, he hated talking on the phone anyway, and he was simply too busy with his 2 kids and work to call. We were having lengthy quasi-discourses via text, to the point where the blatant irony of it stared me stupidly in the face. The simple truth to me was: I wasn’t a priority.

I asked if he’d like to meet again, and he said, if he could borrow his brother’s car and could afford it, during an upcoming weekend. That weekend came 2 weeks later, and went. He grew volatile with me when I wanted to do more than text, more than once, threatening to “cut it off”, unless I could give him a reason he should “roll the dice on me”.

I told him I couldn’t make him care about me; either he did or didn’t, and I didn’t understand the anger in his responses. I asked him what he wanted, and never got a straight answer.

Several days go by and I don’t attempt to reach him. Valentine’s Day comes, and that evening he texts saying he’s sorry it’s been a few days since he was in touch, but apparently he had a stroke. I sympathize with him, tell him I’m here if he wants to talk, and nothing changes. Several more days pass, and then the message comes: “So this is a fresh start is it?”

I never answered. I didn’t hear from him again. I’m fairly certain he just didn’t give a shit, or just wasn’t in a good place to consider anything with a woman who lived 4 hours away anyway, wasn’t into me, or whatever. Before we’d even met, he said he was “falling for me fast”. The night we had our date he told me: “Only one kind of guy does my job for a living- an asshole.” His job- by the way- not in computers, as his profile attests, but as a bouncer for a night club. I didn’t really know him at all.

I’ve been feeling a bit down on myself for playing pony to him- I ended up apologizing during his temperamental outbursts related to our text-only interactions- while he proclaimed I was delusional and didn’t “know how these things work in the real world”. Again, for wanting us to speak by phone, not just text.

I deleted my okcupid profile. I started thinking I have no clear idea of how to tell if someone’s being sincere. Truthfully, I feel stupid and a little hurt. But I know there are men out there who feel this way too, and I’m not harboring any sexist resentment. I take responsibility for my actions.

I know the adage about actions, not words. I know about red flags; I saw some of them here. I know that it is more or less smarter for women (especially one who currently feels vulnerable) not to initiate things with a man, and I’m not. I only put a month’s worth of time into this whole thing, before walking away. But it would be much more worthwhile if I could choose more wisely from the start.

Does a woman’s willingness to engage sexually early on represent to most men as: no assembly required? Or have I yet to simply find one who is into me? What should I work on in myself, in order to send out the signals I mean to, to those I mean to?

 

If it feels right to me in the moment, and I can accept whatever the consequences might be, then I’m in.

Orly? Because the 1381 words above say differently.The problem here is that you are experiencing a profound cognitive dissonance. You tell yourself how okay you are if the sex turns into nothing more, but you’re clearly not. Let me break this scenario down for you, as it’s not nearly as unique or uncommon as you’ve imagined it to be in your head. Ready?

This guy is down and out and has no options. He met someone woman who sounds to be equally, shall we say, unsettled and forgiving. He’s broke, works some menial wage job, has little money, etc. Guess what? He rarely gets laid. That’s why he was willing to drive 4 hours for sex. There was not some incredible gravitational pull forcing you two together. This wasn’t fate or kismet or happenstance.

The problem isn’t online dating or that these men are shady. For the most part, these guys reveal exactly who they are. The problem is that people often refuse to challenge assumptions or perform the slightest bit of critical thinking.I loathe trite expressions about how women should watch a man’s actions, not his words. This is a perfect example why sayings like that are misleading. This guy drove four hours, which to many women would say that he was genuine and interested. Except he wasn’t. He was desperate. Don’t just look at someone’s actions. Compare those actions to what you know to be typical or “normal” and ask yourself why someone would behave in such a way. Observe. Compare. Deduce.

Someone submitted a story a few months ago about a guy she met online who was, in her words, “The OK Cupid Unicorn.” This unicorn, this catch, managed to multiple nights free in succession. Now, if he were the unicorn she believed, wouldn’t it stand to reason that this guy had other women just as interested? That’s what critical thinking is is all about. Don’t just take what is presented to you at face-value. Examine it.

You should also examine your own motives. To me, you seem to just want attention. Hence the insane length of this letter and all of the unnecessary details and rational and reasonable thinking. There’s the cognitive dissonance again.You knew the whole time that this wasn’t a productive experience. You pursued it any way. Why?

You got caught up in the attention. That’s what you miss. Not the guy himself. You miss the attention. That’s why you’re here. You are trying to fill that void. That’s also probably why you had this experience in the first place. The fact that you even entertained a guy 4 hours away tells me you weren’t looking for much beyond a little drama and attention.