Name: Josephine
State: GA
Age: 28
Comment: Met a guy at a club, we talked and exchanged numbers.  He texted me that very night, but I didn’t reply figured he only wanted one thing.  One month later he text “Hello” and I didn’t remember him.  He helped me remember and from there we scheduled a date to  take a morning run at the park and do lunch for the next day.  He was late to the meeting and when he first got there I realized I didn’t give him the 4 question run down before scheduling the date.  Are you married, do you have kids/baby mama drama, are you homosexual or bisexual, and are you in a relationship?  Well come to find out he is in a relationship .  So before the run/date began I told him that this is the first and last date he and I will have.  He tried to covalence me that the relationship was not good and that it was ok for him to date.  As the endorphins started to flow from the run I started to get interested little by little.  Needless to say we had a great date.  He later that day invited me to come to Chicago with him on business and I declined and instead told him I would rather just go on a second date before leaving town with him.  So we met for one of my friends birthday parties and he actually said he didn’t want to meet my friends, but it happened anyway, I didn’t understand that at all.  He and I ended up talking into the early hours of the morning as well as sharing a kiss, that was amazing. We both admitted to enjoying and liking each other.  We went our separate ways, and scheduled a third date.  On this third date we met at a hotel in the city and from there went to dinner, played an hour worth of poker and went out to a bar and partied. We had relations that night and things changed for the worst.  He did not walk me to my car, and did not protest to me leaving when I awakened the next morning he encouraged it.  Well the valet lost my car so I had him come down and we were forced to see each other again, the hotel GM comped us for breakfast so we then had to sit and look at each other and have breakfast while they searched for my car.  He called twice and texted that same day but I am counting it as a lost and figured that he does not deserve an explantation for why I am not responding to any of his communication efforts.  Am I right for cutting him off without notice, even though now I have an interest in him and he claims he has one in me?

He texted me that very night, but I didn’t reply figured he only wanted one thing.

And look. You were right. So there’s your first red flag.  The late night text after meeting someone in a club, bar or party is often a sign that they’re just looking to set up a late night drive by to get laid.

The next red flag was that he made no attempt to contact you for several weeks and then re-appeared out of thin air with an innocuous message.

I realized I didn’t give him the 4 question run down before scheduling the date.  Are you married, do you have kids/baby mama drama, are you homosexual or bisexual, and are you in a relationship?

This sort of checkpoint ritual is pointless and ineffective. Not just because you blatantly ignored the answers but because you seem to believe that people don’t lie. What’s the use of asking these questions is you’re going to overlook the answers??

This is a classic example of how women convince themselves that a man who is upfront or “honest” is somehow better than the man who lies or withholds information. Sure, there are times when a man discloses certain things because he wants to start things off on the right foot, so to speak. But more often than not, the man is being honest because he’s not invested in the outcome. Do you realize that, by telling you the truth, what he’s most likely saying is that he couldn’t care less what you think of him and/or he believes you’re so naive/desperate/insert some condescending or insulting adjective here that you won’t care. I think many men have given up on taking the honesty route simply because, even when they are honest about their situation or what they are looking for/not looking for, many women still manage to demonize them.  If he admits to casually dating someone else, he’s a cheater or just looking for sex or a user of some kind.  If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, he’s emotionally stunted and immature. They can’t win.

Some of these questions are none of your business. His baby mama drama? None of your business. His sexual orientation? None of your business. At least  it’s none of your business before you’ve even had one date. You don’t even know him. What if he was bisexual? Who cares? Are you assuming that, if he was, that must mean he’s more likely to have an STD or be promiscuous? Why are you assuming that he might have “baby mamma drama?” That says more about you and your questionable taste in men and/or your cynical and skeptical attitude than anything else.  You’ve allowed your opinions to be tainted by the actions of a few individuals.You’ve also, despite having all these ideas and possibly bad experiences, not learned a thing.

Asking questions like this does nothing but build a false sense of security. What you learn when you go on these fact finding missions needs to be paired with one on one interaction and experience  in order to make a truly informed decision.

Am I right for cutting him off without notice, even though now I have an interest in him and he claims he has one in me?

The question I have is..why are you more offended by the way he treated you than you were by the way he treated his girlfriend? Better question..why were you surprised that he didn’t, by your standards, treat you better? You’re not cutting him off for cheating. You’re cutting him off for not behaving the way you believe he should have the Morning After.

Here’s the tricky part of scenarios like this. I’d say the majority of the time, how we perceive their behavior isn’t actually how they behaved. Our perceptions are clouded by our own feelings of confusion, guilt, fear, etc.  You went in to this situation knowing he had a girlfriend. You had to have had some concerns and questions. You also had formed some judgments, whether you wanted to acknowledge them or not. You knew he wasn’t that great of a guy. You knew it all along. And every time you turned a corner, he proved to you that your instincts and perceptions and opinions were right.

What you have, I think, is a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You obviously have some fixed opinions about men. Hence why you have your little 4 Question Sniff Test. Maybe what you should do is work on changing those perceptions. If you believe that most men will lie, cheat and lead you on, then there’s a high likelihood that those are the men you’ll meet. Sometimes they actually will be liars or cheaters. Other times – many I’d guess – you will create these situations and form these opinions based on nothing but  the distorted belief system by which you live your life. A belief system that does not lead you to happiness. It does not protect you. In fact, it’s the reason why you find yourself in this situation. in the first place. It’s another example of the false sense of security that we develop and use to protect us. Only…it doesn’t.

Time to re-write the script.