Name: PJ
State: NY
Age: 62
Story: Dear Moxie,

I love reading your blog and always get something to think about and question my dating behavior.

I’m  in my early 60s having been married for over 25 years, but now a widow for the last 10.  During that time I dated relentlessly, probably over 300 guys, some of which did turn into short term relationships.  (3 to 6 months), with the exception of my last boyfriend.  When we met he showered me with lots of attention, went to a lot of places, concerts, dinners, movies and family get meetings.  After  6 months of dating I moved in with him, we had been seeing each other almost every night as it was, with me staying over.

He then informed me that he was going back to school, he is 20 years younger, to get his PhD, at first I was a little put off, because I really wanted a companion to do things with, maybe even travel, I know unrealistic expectations, has always been my Achilles’s heel.  But after dating so many men and not making a connection I thought I should be more supportive…At first it wasn’t too bad since the program wasn’t hard for him, but in the second year he began staying overnight at Lab {studying to be an organic chemist)  I was seeing him less and less. Things began getting strained with his temper flaring up at little things, he is super neat, and I am like Oscar Madison …he would yell “get out”, and then I saw he was writing emails to women on  dating sites.

At first I thought he was just looking for attention,  he is a Leo, they seem to crave attention, but then I found that he had gone out with someone and other signs,  pictures of him and her etc.  I moved out in February after two years,, I had kept my own apartment with the help of roommates.  I was hurt by the betrayal and vowed not to have contact with him.  But
he wrote me constantly, saying how sorry he was that he wasn’t sleeping with the other woman that she was just a friend, and that he doesn’t see her anymore.

Being an optimist and more of a romance addict, I started seeing him again, and spending nights at his place.  I remember your comment when you wrote OK Cupid that they should have a section where one can find more local guys.  This guy lives 20 blocks from me, 99% of the guys that write me are from other states or boroughs.  I’ve tried to have an open mind about dating out of townees, but seeing someone in Manhattan is so much easier.  I’ve tried to meet guys from here but they don’t seem to respond, I guess they are much more independent living in the city.

There are two guys that I have seen, one is older 73, who is dating another woman, but he constantly calls me, haven’t slept together, and so far we have had 5 dates,  due to meet next week.  He is easy to talk to and a recent divorcee, he says that the woman he is dating doesn’t want anything serious and that bothers him.  There is another guy 55 who has been writing me, he is in London on a business trip, we haven’t met yet, but he sends great emails, and we talk sometimes on the phone, hopefully he is really interested in dating, there are so many guys that  just turn out to be pen pals..

So my question is, since I’m still sleeping with my old boyfriend,  whom I see once a week or so; he does makes lavish dinners, or sometimes we go to the movies, but then I don’t hear from him for days on end.  He says he can’t sleep with anyone else that he doesn’t want to meet women, and that I am his destiny??…He has never been married or in a relationship longer than 2 years, which  is usually a red flag…Am I just deluding myself?  Is sleeping with him keeping me from moving on to a more sincere relationship..You have a much more practical view on things, would love your feedback.
City: New York

 

.Am I just deluding myself? 

Yes. Yes you are. For starters, this guy is a leech. I said it the last time you wrote in about him and I’ll say it again. No man in his forties is genuinely interested in dating a woman in her sixties. No how, no way. You wanted practical advice? There. Boom goes the dynamite.

Next? He totally was cheating on you. And he’s still sleeping with other women. Again, unless he has some senior fetish, he’s not so captivated by sex with you that he can’t imagine putting his penis in a younger vagina. Not happening. If he doesn’t have a fetish or a Mommy fixation, he’s angling to be remembered in your will or something similar. No kids? No husband? Yeah, that sounds about right.

I’m sorry to be so abrasive here, but you’re 62 years old. You’re just too old to be this simple-minded. Look at your life right now: 62 and living with roommates dating some dude 20 years your junior who probably cons lonely older women out of cash. Is this what you wanted for yourself?

I was reading a blog the other day. The author was around my age and lives in NYC. Like the OP, she had literally hundreds and hundreds of online dates in her late thirties. I think she once quoted the count at about 400 or 500. Two years later, she’s STILL writing posts about the guys who did her wrong once upon a time and how she’s become so cautious and suspicious because of those experiences. Underneath the bravado the regret and sadness pokes through, like a broken bone that has torn through flesh . All those chances. All those opportunities. Wasted. All because she was stuck in the past and refused to acknowledge why things were the way they were. Maybe she’s happy. I don’t know. I just know that when I read her blog, I wonder if she ever looks back and wonders what might have been. I can’t imagine a worse fate. Especially when all of those experiences and thoughts and choices were documented and witnessed by a bunch of strangers.

Yes, sleeping with this guy is preventing you from meeting other more appropriate men. Between your reliance on astrological signs and your over all naivete, I’m guessing you’re not one for critical thinking and common sense.It’s never too late for that, PJ. You still have quite a bit of time ahead of you. Start now so you can create the life you want, free of remorse.