Alex over at The Urban Dater wrote an interesting post asserting that free dating sites are mostly for people who want casual sex or a one night stand.

Even on OkCupid, the standard-bearer of all free online dating sites, women can’t get away from the fact that there are dudes that want one night stands; as evidenced when I peruse the countless profiles with that disclaimer at the end about not wanting one-night nookie. Deal with it. That’s what free online dating means. One night bang sessions.

Now, it’s possible that this article was really just a thinly veiled schill for Match.com. If it’s not, allow me to explain what I think this essay is really all about.

Free sites are where people who want one night stands flock to. Craigslist anyone? Shit, that site gave me a good number of disposable poon. Sure, it’s an ugly thought, but, hey, that’s why I was there.

I’ve talked to a number of women who get a ton of messages from guys who are hitting them up saying things like “sweetie,” “baby,” “nice tits” and more… detailed. A couple of my female friends have confided that, to a degree, they love the attention. But they just want a good guy. That’s reasonable. Don’t we all? Well, in my case, I’d like a good girl. Good girls are everywhere to be found, but why the fuck would a woman who wants a “good guy,” who doesn’t want a one night stand, put a profile up on a free online dating site? That’s just insane! Free dating sites stop short of putting the punany on a platter and serve it up to any who are buying… That’s crazy to me.

Am I reading this correctly? Alex can fuck around Craigslist with wild abandon and still be a “good guy.” He can get all kinds of “poon” or “punany” or whatever adorable name for a woman’s vagina that he likes and his virtue is still in tact. But if a woman does the very same thing, apparently she’s not what Alex considers a “good girl.” That would be an example of hypocrisy, folks. And slut shaming. And douchebaggery. If a woman uses a free site like OK Cupid then that must mean she’s exclusively seeking casual sex and therefore is a “bad girl.” Here’s the best part: he knows he’s screwed around Craigslist and still considers himself a good guy. He has no definitive knowledge of what the women are doing, yet feels quite comfortable slapping them with the slut label anyway. Am I reading this correctly? The implications seem pretty clear to me.

I’ve been saying this to women for years. I can’t believe it but I’m going to say the same thing to men. A woman can express interest in a sexual relationship or enjoy sex with various partners and still be relationship material. Because, see, sex is fun. Humans like sex. And most of us are pretty careful and safe and responsible and take the necessary precautions. Sometimes? We don’t. But guess what? We’re STILL relationship material. One can have nothing to do with the other.

As for the whole nonsense about free sites being monopolized by people who just want sex, please. Do you really think that paying $30 a month is going to deter a man or woman solely seeking casual sex? Allow me to answer that for you. No, it doesn’t.  Also, why do people forget that OK Cupid also has a paid membership option and that many people utilize it? I deal with female clients every week who are on Match and talk about the guys they believe are only looking for a quick hook up. The attention/free meal/sex seekers are everywhere. Are there more on free sites? Probably. The majority of them make their intentions known upfront, either by stating in their profile what they seek or not making a smidge of effort to complete their ad. You don’t need a PhD in Psychology or Forensics to spot those guys. So it’s not impossible to avoid them.

There is one type of guy becoming more prevalent on dating sites that are hard to read. They’re the guys who, like their female counterparts, include disclaimers in their profiles about not wanting to meet anyone “just” looking for a casual hook-up. Allow me to deconstruct these morally superior dudes.  Here’s what statements like that as well as quotes like the ones above are really saying, “I’ve boned my way around the internet and now I want a ‘good girl.’ Because guys can screw around all they like. Women who do that are sluts. ” The guys insisting upon wanting a “good girl” are really just projecting on to the women their own self-loathing and insecurity for either giving it up “too soon” or because they fear they’ll never satisfy a sexually experienced woman. They’re inability to reconcile with their own choices are the true threat to their pursuit of finding true love. To put it more succinctly, they got caught up in all the sex that was available to them or feel somehow threatened and now hate themselves for it. But instead of just deciding to stop hooking up, they place the responsibility for their sex spree on the women. The women seduced them, you see.

Women are just as guilty of this. they encounter men who all but tell them they just want to get off, but they meet them out of curiosity or some other lame excuse. They lay out stupid tests, and even when they guy fails all of them,they still have sex with them. Then the guy bails. Then they complain about never meeting any “good guys.”

 Free dating sites are custom-made for people to get their bang on. And, yeah, yeah, maybe you met your long-term boyfriend there, or your husband, wife, fiance, life-mate, whatever; doesn’t change the fact that if one night stand poon was on the table that they’d take it.

For people who get laid fairly easily, every medium is custom made for people “to get their bang on.” The platform is not what gets them laid. Their attractiveness and skill set is what gets them laid. Women want the good guy who also makes them toss aside those arbitrary rules they cling to so they can enjoy a night of face-meltingly good sex. I’ve said it before: the women who complain about nice guys or how they want a good guy just need a reason to believe that they’re different or special and they’re in bed on the first date. The reason why guys who send emails asking for a hook up don’t get laid is because they lack finesse. That’s it. The women who say they “just want a good guy” really mean they want a good guy who also happens to turn them on. A guy who is capable of seducing them on the first date is that guy, and that guy is all over most dating sites, especially ones like OK Cupid. That explains why someone might plead with women to stop using a free dating site. Those sites provide far too much competition for them.

It’s concerning to me how offended some of these guys sound at the prospect of a woman wanting to hook up with men. When did that become such a crime? And what is at the root this apparent skittishness towards sexually assertive women?