I’m a little confused about a guy’s behavior and would love another opinion. We met via an online dating website last May. I had recently ended a relationship of 9 months and really wasn’t looking to start dating again. However, when this guy asked me to grab coffee I thought, why not? I always like to meet new people. Towards the end of my previous relationship I had made a list of must haves because I had realized that recent people I was seeing were not good for my happiness in a relationship or didn’t have long term potential. Basically I wanted to raise the bar. After chatting with this guy for a few hours I realized that based on things he was saying (goals, plans, family) he was the first person I had ever gone out with that hit all the criteria. However, I was still skeptical because I didn’t want to have a rebound relationship or jump into things too fast. He told me on our second date that I was everything on his “list” and asked me on the third date if it was too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and he non-chalantly said that he would ask me again in the future. Long story short, we started dating and he was the epitome of a gentleman (walking on the outside of the street, holding doors, refusing to let me pay even though I wanted to). He was very sweet, a great listener, etc. He didn’t have a car at the time because it was being shipped from his previous residence a few states away so I drove us places and was perfectly fine with that. One day at brunch he was teasing me about something and I jokingly said that I should just leave him there. Later in the day his attitude kind of changed and he told me that it upset him that I said that (apparently I had made a similar joke another time) because he really didn’t feel like he could date the way he wanted to without a car. I assured him that it didn’t bother me that I was driving us around, but it still upset him. I’m guessing he felt emasculated. Well he started getting flaky and disappeared on me after another 2 weeks. We had been going on 2-3 dates a week for 6 weeks before this happened. Notably, we did not sleep together while dating because I wanted to be sure. The only time we came close was the night before the brunch incident and he didn’t have a condom so it was a no go.
Fast forward to September, he reached out to me again to see how I was. I initially ignored him because despite the length of our “relationship” I had gotten pretty attached to him over the summer and was hurt when he disappeared with no explanation. He kept in touch, saying he wanted to hang out which we eventually did in December. I was very skeptical about the whole thing because he was still being kind of flaky. The first thing he said when we met up was that he was sorry for being a jerk over the summer and I didn’t deserve it. I told him I appreciated the apology and we watched a movie at my place. Since January we’ve hung out once a week, either going to a movie, meeting up at a bar, dinner, playing tennis, etc. Since we started hanging out again, he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek, but there’s been no moves to go further. Two weeks ago, he and a friend showed up at a club that I mentioned my friends and I would be at. His friend got bored so they went somewhere else and then came back towards the end of the night. He gave me his jacket and they walked me to my car. He hugged me for a pretty long time and then kissed the corner of my mouth saying he’d call me later. I haven’t heard from him since. My instincts say that I should just let this thing go. I would only want to start something with him if he can be consistent which he isn’t doing. Just wanted to get your thoughts about why he would show up again and then disappear.
As I’ve always said, when someone is in a rush to commit there is typically a reason. Combine that with the fact that this guy endured a dozen plus dates with no sex and committed to you without having sex and I’m sure you’ll agree that something is off here. You two may have hit it off as friends, but to be honest I don’t really sense that you two had much more than that. This was reminiscent of relationships we had in high school.
The no condom excuse is bullshit. There’s a CVS’/Duane Reade/Walmart/Bodega on every couple of blocks pretty much everywhere. If you wanted to have sex you would have gone and gotten some. Or you would have had them on hand. Or..shocker…you’d have done it anyway. Oh yes ,I know, that’s just for sluts. People who cry “no condom!” are people who never had intention of having sex in the first place.
There is the possibility that he just got tired of waiting for you to be ready to have sex. Maybe he didn’t appreciate the comment about leaving him at the brunch spot because he felt like he had been really respectful and patient and you didn’t seem to notice or appreciate that. I’m speculating,of course. I don’t have enough info to say for sure that this is the case. Whatever the reason may be, I think he was already on the defensive. I agree that he probably felt emasculated to some degree, but the lack of sex definitely contributed to that.
It’s important to realize that a lot of men in a dating situation such as yours see sex as a gesture of attraction and appreciation. I’m guessing he disappeared because there was still no sex, and he was confused as to what exactly it is that you wanted. That and he sounds immature and maybe even inexperienced when it comes to relationships.
If you really want to know what happened then you should ask him. It sounds like the two of you have certain narratives in your head but neither of you expressed those narratives or intentions.