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How Long Is Too Long To Make a Guy Wait For Sex?

February 17, 2013 by 87 Comments

Name: Danielle
Age: 26
State: Florida
Question: Hi,

I’m a little confused about a guy’s behavior and would love another opinion. We met via an online dating website last May. I had recently ended a relationship of 9 months and really wasn’t looking to start dating again. However, when this guy asked me to grab coffee I thought, why not? I always like to meet new people. Towards the end of my previous relationship I had made a list of must haves because I had realized that recent people I was seeing were not good for my happiness in a relationship or didn’t have long term potential. Basically I wanted to raise the bar. After chatting with this guy for a few hours I realized that based on things he was saying (goals, plans, family) he was the first person I had ever gone out with that hit all the criteria. However, I was still skeptical because I didn’t want to have a rebound relationship or jump into things too fast. He told me on our second date that I was everything on his “list” and asked me on the third date if it was too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend. I said yes and he non-chalantly said that he would ask me again in the future. Long story short, we started dating and he was the epitome of a gentleman (walking on the outside of the street, holding doors, refusing to let me pay even though I wanted to). He was very sweet, a great listener, etc. He didn’t have a car at the time because it was being shipped from his previous residence a few states away so I drove us places and was perfectly fine with that. One day at brunch he was teasing me about something and I jokingly said that I should just leave him there. Later in the day his attitude kind of changed and he told me that it upset him that I said that (apparently I had made a similar joke another time) because he really didn’t feel like he could date the way he wanted to without a car. I assured him that it didn’t bother me that I was driving us around, but it still upset him. I’m guessing he felt emasculated. Well he started getting flaky and disappeared on me after another 2 weeks. We had been going on 2-3 dates a week for 6 weeks before this happened. Notably, we did not sleep together while dating because I wanted to be sure. The only time we came close was the night before the brunch incident and he didn’t have a condom so it was a no go.

Fast forward to September, he reached out to me again to see how I was. I initially ignored him because despite the length of our “relationship” I had gotten pretty attached to him over the summer and was hurt when he disappeared with no explanation. He kept in touch, saying he wanted to hang out which we eventually did in December. I was very skeptical about the whole thing because he was still being kind of flaky. The first thing he said when we met up was that he was sorry for being a jerk over the summer and I didn’t deserve it. I told him I appreciated the apology and we watched a movie at my place. Since January we’ve hung out once a week, either going to a movie, meeting up at a bar, dinner, playing tennis, etc. Since we started hanging out again, he hugs me and kisses me on the cheek, but there’s been no moves to go further.  Two weeks ago, he and a friend showed up at a club that I mentioned my friends and I would be at. His friend got bored so they went somewhere else and then came back towards the end of the night. He gave me his jacket and they walked me to my car. He hugged me for a pretty long time and then kissed the corner of my mouth saying he’d call me later. I haven’t heard from him since. My instincts say that I should just let this thing go. I would only want to start something with him if he can be consistent which he isn’t doing. Just wanted to get your thoughts about why he would show up again and then disappear.

Thanks!
Danielle

 

As I’ve always said, when someone is in a rush to commit there is typically a reason. Combine that with the fact that this guy endured a dozen plus dates with no sex and committed to you without having sex and I’m sure you’ll agree that something is off here.   You two may have hit it off as friends, but to be honest I don’t really sense that you two had much more than that. This was reminiscent of relationships we had in high school.

The no condom excuse is bullshit. There’s a CVS’/Duane Reade/Walmart/Bodega on every couple of blocks pretty much everywhere. If you wanted to have sex you would have gone and gotten some. Or you would have had them on hand. Or..shocker…you’d have done it anyway. Oh yes ,I know, that’s just for sluts. People who cry “no condom!” are people who never had intention of having sex in the first place.

There is the possibility that he just got tired of waiting for you to be ready to have sex. Maybe he didn’t appreciate the comment about leaving him at the brunch spot because he felt like he had been really respectful and patient and you didn’t seem to notice or appreciate that. I’m speculating,of course. I don’t have enough info to say for sure that this is the case. Whatever the reason may be, I think he was already on the defensive.  I agree that he probably felt emasculated to some degree, but the lack of sex definitely contributed to that.

It’s important to realize that a lot of men in a dating situation such as yours see sex as a gesture of attraction and appreciation. I’m guessing he disappeared because there was still no sex, and he was confused as to what exactly it is that you wanted. That and he sounds immature and maybe even inexperienced when it comes to relationships.

If you really want to know what happened then you should ask him. It sounds like the two of you have certain narratives in your head but neither of you expressed those narratives or intentions.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Closure, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Dating, Darwin And Supply & Demand

January 26, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Anon
Age: 37
State: UK
Question: I read your recent post about all the single ladies fighting over the same man, and the comments that ensued.

One comment got buried, which I thought would be interesting for you and your regulars to address:

January 21, 2013 at 7:54 am
“The problem isn’t that you ladies can’t find someone that you’re attracted to. The problem is that you’re attracted to men who have an abundance of options”

Moxie, you make some very good comments when read in isolation. However, I think most women reading red pill blogs know they’re never going to get the top 5% of men, and set their sights on an average man that they can find attraction and happiness with.

You also say in another post:

“Welcome to Dating 2.0, where even the uggos have more options than the single woman over 35.”

So, when average men, and the men you call “uggos” have more options, and aren’t following through with dates and commitment, where does that leave the woman over 35?

 

 

I’m not so sure that this comment got buried as much as people read it and felt the answer was self-explanatory. I’m guessing you wrote it which is why you’re following up and asking for your comment to be acknowledged. So here you go.

First of all, women should be reading the red pill blogs with a grain of salt. The mission of those blogs isn’t to deliver reality as much as it is to beat you down and make you pay for blowing off the type of guy who reads/writes a red pill blog. Guess what? Those guys are not in that highly sought after 5%. If they were getting laid and dating as regularly as they claim, they wouldn’t be writing/reading a blog.

So, when average men, and the men you call “uggos” have more options, and aren’t following through with dates and commitment, where does that leave the woman over 35?

I guess that leaves many of them shit out of luck unless they choose to settle a bit, doesn’t it? This is not rocket science, folks. Get your shit together enough to be able to meet and date people while you’re still in demand. Get enough experience under your belt and actually learn from it rather than repeating the same thing over and over. It’s simple. I’m beyond exhausted by these intentionally obtuse lines of questions and attempts to find contradictions where none exist because somebody has a hair across their ass.

Those average schmucks, should they wish to commit, will find someone long before the women who reject them do simply because they want to commit and that makes them in demand. If that “uggo” is educated and employed and ambitious and stable, he rises to the top of the list regardless of whether he looks like Channing Tatum or not. Trust me. There are women out their who see his value and will pursue him. Going after someone average looking because he’s average looking is no longer a good strategy because other women have caught on to that. They’ll take the guy with a great job over the hot unemployed artist because they have chosen to make settling down a priority. Where the challenge comes in is if that average looking guy decides to reap the rewards of this paradigm shift. If he has so many options, why settle for just one? It’s called The Law of Supply and Demand. If he’s in demand, he will have a constant supply of options.

This will sound particularly brutal, but the women who get into their late thirties and older who still can’t find a man are being weeded out of the pool for a reason. Same goes for the men who have similar gripes and complaints. It’s Darwin’s Survival of The Fittest at work. Again, this is a very simple concept. The weak do not survive and reproduce. They can either evolve with the changes in their environment or they can go extinct. Someone wrote a comment recently about how, in DC, all the frumpy girls who don’t brush their hair properly all manage to find men, which must mean that in that particular city, women have the upper hand. Wrong. Those women that other ladies like to deem “frumpy” aren’t high maintenance pains in the ass. That’s why they get the men and the other women, the bitchy ones sitting on the sidelines, don’t. Remember: women don’t get to decide what men find attractive. Men do. The woman with her hair out of place probably is just as concerned with making her guy happy as she is making herself happy. That’s why she has a man. That’s what makes her attractive. It’s amazing what a pleasant demeanor and lack of crazy can attract.

The women who sit and bitch about who pays and why doesn’t he call instead of text and oh my god I have to get passed 3 dates before I can touch his penis? Yeah. They’re perpetually struggling. While those women are sitting out at cocktail hour bemoaning the lack of “good men” and lying about how many dates they waited to sleep with whomever or how they broke up with him, all those sluts and frumps are getting their guys. Suck it, girlfraannnn!

 

 

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Things You Should Never Admit In a Dating Profile..Or Maybe Ever

August 2, 2012 by 69 Comments

When it comes to dating, there are certain confessions that people really should to themselves.

I can remember reading a man’s profile once and came across something that gave me pause. He answered the question “Are you an honorable person” by saying that he wasn’t an honorable person int he past but was “working on it.”

Oooooh. Dish, girlfriend. Intrigued by his “refreshing honesty” I emailed him and asked him what he meant by that statement. Of course he answered because, well, why else would he admit that in his dating profile? He said that he had cheated on pretty much every woman he’s ever dated. But he was committed to changing.

Oh. Well then.

When people make shocking admissions like this, be it in a profile or in conversation, it’s usually strategic. Sometimes they’re conscious and aware of what they are doing. Other times…not so much.

Here are some things you should reveal with caution. Or maybe not at all.

1. That one time, in band camp? - Yeah, leave those wild nights when you were in college or that time you pulled a train in the past. Sadly, thanks to advancements in technology, some young people’s bad decisions can haunt them all over the internet. The co-ed porn niche is extremely popular. Personally, it skeeves me out, because you just know those kids aren’t thinking clearly or are trusting the wrong people. Your experiences as you explored and expressed your sexuality are yours. Those choices might have made perfect sense to you and you might feel totally comfortable with them, but people will judge you.   There are, of course, people out there who are not intimidated by such stories. At the very least, practice good judgment. You know what will make you sound shady or might imply that you have poor judgment. That’s the stuff you keep to yourself. You’re not obligated to share glimpses of your sexual history with your new partner. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for your choices.

2. That you’ve been dumped/friend zoned a lot - Nobody wants to date someone that they know is constantly being tossed back into the water. You don’t want to plant seeds of doubt into anybody’s mind about your ability to function in a relationship. Nor do you want to make yourself sound unattractive. We want people who are desired by others. Remember that.

3. That a former employer was arrested/investigated/fled the country – A confession like this should come only when you and the other person have developed a baseline and a sense of each other’s character. Often times, an employee is oblivious to the shady dealings of their employer. But just as often, they are very aware of the illegal and nefarious activities that go on in that corner office.

4. That you cheated - Here’s the thing about hooking up with people with girlfriends or boyfriends. By doing so, they are telling you they don’t care what you think of them. In fact, they don’t really care about you at all most of the time. I know women LOVE to ask probing questions so that they can build faux intimacy with a man. If someone admits to infidelity or some other questionable behavior, don’t automatically assume that that kind of honesty is a positive thing.  Some people are actually proud of being a douchebag.

5. That you were abused in some way- Again, this is something that should only be revealed once true intimacy and trust has been established. It sucks, but many people hear such things and immediately assume that survivor is damaged in some way. It’s a scary thing to admit, but it’s also unsettling to hear, as it makes you wonder how such abuse affected their relationship and interpersonal skills.

6. That you haven’t had a relationship in a long time - Sorry, kids, but this question is a total trap. Lie. Lie your face off if you’ve been out of a relationship for more than a couple years. Better yet, don’t ask this question. If you do, don’t judge. The new reality now, thanks to online dating,  is that many if not most people have a spotty relationship history. The ‘”new normal” so to speak is to date someone for a handful of months here and there. Just because someone hasn’t been in a long term committed relationship in a few years is no longer a reflection on their ability to be in a long term relationship. Lots of people now are perfectly content with casually dating. By choice. Again, welcome to the “new normal.”

7. That you haven’t had sex in a long time – I know. You think it makes you sound discerning. But, let;s face it, people will wonder why you couldn’t get any for the last 9 months. Getting sex is far too easy nowadays. If you haven’t had sex in awhile, either you couldn’t find anybody to have sex with you, don’t have a solid sex drive, or have sexual hang ups. At least that is what many people will assume. On the same note, keep the fact that you just got laid a few recently to yourself as well. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t talk about your sex life at all unless you’re in trusted company.

8. That you’re a recovering addict - We all assume, if someone says they never drink, that they are either a recovering alcoholic or a health nut. Sadly, people have preconceived ideas about recovery and sobriety and addiction. This is something you only reveal when you feel comfortable and know you won’t be shamed or judged. Always make your sobriety a priority.

9. That you’re a frequent drug or alcohol user - Keep the frequency in which you drink, smoke or take drugs to yourself. If you wouldn’t be public about that sort of thing on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t be putting it in a dating profile or revealing it to random strangers you meet.

10. That you had a messy break-up/divorce – Talk about foreshadowing. Keep any and all relationship/divorce drama off the table. Like, for good.

11. That you have a physical or mental illness of some kind – A close friend suffers from a manageable condition. He doesn’t typically tell anyone until he feels things are getting consistent or “serious.” Illness makes us appear weak. Unfortunately, many people are ignorant to most diseases and stigmas are alive and well. This is a revelation that should only come once trust and comfort is established.

12. That you’re unemployed - There are crafty ways to make it clear you are not steadily employed without telling people you don’t have a job. You can say you’re exploring a new field and are lucky to have the flexibility to do so. At our He Said/She Said event the other night, one man made it very clear would never date someone who didn’t have a job. Any job. He didn’t care if the person was supporting themselves through a savings or inheritance. They must, have. a . job. I;m not sure most people are that stringent. Though some are, apparently.

Anything else?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Lies, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Happy & Healthy, He Said/She Said, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Date Multiple People With An Active Dating Profile?

July 15, 2012 by 7 Comments

Name: Scott
Age: 30
State: NY
Question: I’ve been out about 6 times with this girl I met through an internet dating website, and while I’m really enjoying my time spent with her and look forward to seeing her each time, I’ll still check the dating website for messages from other women.

I’ve paid up on this website up until September, but I’m wondering when is it the proper time to leave the website?

Part of me feels compelled to “get my money’s worth” by staying on the website until my membership expires, and by that point it’ll be the end of the summer, and both this current girl and I would know if we do have something worth pursuing.  What’s your take on the “appropriate” time to get off an internet dating website when you’ve met someone you’ve clicked with?

 

I think, once you’ve decided you’ve met someone that you like and wish to focus on that, you should take your profile down. I don’t think the decision should be based on anything but how you feel the relationship is progressing or not progressing. But then keep that move to yourself. I guarantee you that whomever you’re dating will notice eventually ans ask you about it.

Yeah, you shelled out XX amount of dollars for 6 months. But if you’ve met someone you really like, you know they’re going to be checking your profile to see if you’re logging on. So either hide your profile, disable it  or turn it off.  If the site offers an option to freeze a membership (and they should since the whole point of those sites is to meet someone) then utilize the feature. You’re just going to have to get over losing that money. People need to understand something before they pay for memberships to these sites. These websites don’t want you to find anybody. Those commercials about the engagements and marriages? Those are meant to rope you in.

The other reason that someone should take down their profile if they aren’t able to or intereste din dating multiple people is so that they don’t wast other people’s time. I can remember sending a guy an email on OKCupid. He replied back and said something like, “Thanks for the email but I only like to date one person at a time.” Jesus, bro. Slow down. I wasn’t asking you to move in. Maybe he wasn’t interested and that was his rather odd way of saying so. Or maybe he’s someone who only likes to date one person at a time. If that’s the case, then disable your profile while you do so. If you know you’re leaning towards going all in with someone, take down your profile. If you’re always afraid that you’re missing out on something, then you’re going to end up shooting yourself in the foot eventually. Oh, and you’re not ready for a relationship. That’s a big one, too.

I would actually love it if sites were to offer users the ability to hide their last logged in time and date.  That would alleviate so much unnecessary drama. Well, no. Let me amend that. If people learned better impulse control and didn’t jump to conclusions or have a habit of dating disingenuous people, they wouldn’t need to check in on the people they date. But because we have so much access to people now, we have way more information available than need be. We create all kinds of back stories for people that might not even exist. But again, if these sites really wanted people to have more success, they wouldn’t need some blogger to tap them on the shoulder and say, “Hey guys! I have this Amazing idea! Get rid of the log in timestamp!” They are well aware of the conflict this feature creates. And they like it.  Paying for a membership is like loaning a constantly unemployed friend money. Give it to them only if you’re okay with never getting it back.

Now, here’s another dilemma surrounding having an active dating profile.

What if you’re looking to date multiple people? How do you navigate that and avoid any uncomfortable situations?

The first thing that needs to be done is that you need to be upfront with whomever you’re dating should they ask why your profile is recently active. Personally, I don’t think anybody should be asking this question unless you and the other person have discussed exclusivity. Could this be a nice way to initiate this conversation? In theory, yes. But think about it. No matter how you frame this question, you will be perceived as checking up on ( or omigod stalking) the other person. So you’re going to lose points. Which is why I think any info or knowledge you have of their life other than when they’re with you or what they share with you should stay off the table. Nobody likes the idea that people are digging for hints and clues as to or schedule, thoughts, feelings or whereabouts. Yeah, I  know. If we put it out there it’s fair game.

That’s why you shouldn’t put it out there.

If you just can’t keep all those exciting nights at da club with your friends to yourself, then lock up your twitter and Facebook pages. No photo posting, no cryptic tweets, no Foursquare check ins, no blog posts about all your other dates. Zip it.   They can’t question you on anything if you don’t give them any info. Remember the Power of The Self-Created Back-Story. Bloggers who tell someone they date about their blogs, knowing they have blogged about other recent dates or will blog about future ones, are immature. Avoid. They will intentionally blog about having a date in the hopes that that person they went out with is reading.  They’re trying to make someone jealous. Childish. Avoid.

Now, as for your activity on the dating site….

If someone does bring up that they “happened to notice” that you were online recently, they’re fishing. If you aren’t looking for anything too serious, that’s when you tell them so. This is where you separate the men from the boys. That person is either going to pout and say how they are looking for a relationship or they’re going to accept what you say and not argue the point. They might say they’re ok but really aren’t. That’s on them. If they can’t handle it, that’s their homework. From that moment on, you’re in the clear. If they continue to check your activity, let them spiral down that rabbit hole on their own.As long as you don’t go out of your way to rub their face in the fact that you don’t want a relationship, you’re fine. Be honest, but be kind. It’s as simple as that.

The real question is whether or not you state your true intentions in your profile. Personally, I think you need to keep that info to yourself. And, yes, that means selecting both short term dating and long term dating as an option. Deceptive? Kinda. If you’re called on it, you can pull a Bill Clinton. If someone asks you, when you tell them that you’re not looking for a relationship, why you selected long term relationship as an option, you can say you’re not closed off to the possibility, it just has to be the right person. Or that you don’t typically commit so quickly, need more time, etc. Technically, it’s the truth.If they bail,  then you two weren’t on the same page. They did the dirty work for you.

In the words of the great orator Driving Me Nutes…do no harm. Don’t say anything that will end up hurting the other person. You can be honest and still get what you want. That is, if you’re someone who genuinely cares about the feelings of others.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Social Media, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

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