I have to respond to your last post b/c you stated that you “haven’t been groped” while on a date. I’m sure you were referring to me. Also, I wanted to illustrate the problems that online dating presents.
True, I tend to mouth off about that and kissing women. However, I think you and some of the posters have the wrong ideas about what I do. However, if I’m wrong then I’m honest enough to see that and modify my behavior.
I met this 36 yr old woman on match recently. She is separated and only will be free six (6) months from now. The funny thing is that she had never dated b/c she got married at 17 years old to a guy ten (10) years older. She also lives more than an hour away from and she drove to see me on dates. We met and hit it off. I could tell there was chemistry. At the end up the date, we were in my car and I decided to go for it and kiss her. It ended up being a very passionate kiss where she was grabbing my jacket and pulling me towards her when we were kissing. In fact, she was ready to go home with me until she said she had to go home-at which point I stopped.
Afterwards, she was texting me asking me stuff like who was I going out with that weekend and sending me a pic of her.
Okay, so fast forward. She breaks a date with me on a Saturday and I tell her, “no prob.” She then calls me that following Friday to go out and I say sure. Well, we meet and I felt like the passion from our first meeting was gone. She seemed like something was wrong. Then she tells me her soon to be ex-hubby found out that she was dating and threatened to kill her while her 17 year old daughter was also bitching about her dating.
In any event, we watch a band and she lets me put her arms around her. We go back to the car and, again, I initiate kissing. At this point, I felt that it was “all clear” to touch her based upon our previous encounter and the fact we were at it again. Albeit, I did not go down below her waist.
Anyway, she ignored my subsequent texts and, in fact, she was suppose to call me this past Monday which she did not.
Now, although I liked her, I have moved on because she has only been separated six (6) months and that, alone, told me it was not going to last. Also, she looks like she is going to have a lot of family drama in her life which I would rather stay out of.
I don’t know why she faded on me–so quickly–after showing major interest in the beginning and giving evidence she was ready for physical action. I’m curious as to why. I do know she was dating other guys while she was dating me b/c she told me. I can’t believe she would tell me this. Anyway, I thought about it but I don’t believe the groping had anything to do with it.
In any event, this is the type of online dating I am talking about. However, I will say there were red flags and I chose to ignore them.
I’m sure you were referring to me.
Actually? I wasn’t. I’m going to preface my response to this post with a disclaimer/rant – Just because something could apply to you doesn’t mean it is directed at or inspired by you. The reality is that this is a big city and I write about dating for a living. There are staple characters that we all encounter. There are certain stories that will trigger a memory and a reaction. That’s life. This is what I do. At any given time somebody could read something and think it’s about them. Why? Because these stories are so common, because the ups and downs we feel and the behaviors we exhibit are universal. And because I’m human and have had my own experiences and sometimes infuse my columns with them. I am only responsible for me and how I process things. I am not responsible for anyone’s insecurity, self-obsession or guilty conscience. I don’t shove my opinions in anybody’s face and I color within the lines. That means that nobody gets to tell me how I should process certain things or what should or shouldn’t bother me. Agree with it, don’t agree with. It’s really not your concern or your place. Please do not make statements like, “I’m sure you were referring to me” unless you are actually sure. Honestly, not everything is about you. And even if it is, you always have the option of ignoring me should some of those opinions cut too close to the bone.
Now, as for Dan’s issue.
Dan, you seem to have the same experience over and over again. You have a great date, things get hot and heavy, the woman turns out to be a steaming plate of crazy and she blows you off. People Fade. This is very common in dating. Maybe they met someone else. Maybe they had enough time to decide if you were right for them. Maybe they’re flaky. There are all kinds of reasons. But if this CONSISTENTLY happens to someone, the only common denominator is them. People need to learn to figure out if they are experiencing a typical by-product of dating or if there is something about them that is causing them to get ditched. If every scenario follows the exact same patter, then the problem is with them. Not the other person.
You had all the signs up front that these women are unavailable or difficult in some way and yet you plow forward. Yeah, someone who got married at 17 to a guy 10 years older than her probably has some issues. Anybody who gets married that young (say 17-25) to someone that much older hasn’t a clue what she’s getting in to. She’s escaping. Or she’s swept up in the romantic notion of playing house and is enamored with some guy who, once the curtain is pulled away, wasn’t who she thought he was. When the marriage inevitably fails, she’s like Jodie Foster in Nell. A stranger in a strange world without a clue of how to date because she married herself off before she got any actual experience.
That’s why she’s acting this way. She doesn’t have any idea what she’s doing. She’s still tied to her maniacal Ex and she’s saddled with a pissy teenager because she got pregnant at 19. She’s just trying to catch up on everything she missed. But since she’s lacking any actual experience, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s like a top spinning out of control.
I can’t believe she would tell me this.
I can. She has no experience so she doesn’t know it’s inappropriate. She’s employing tactics she’s read about in Cosmo. “Make him jealous, ladies!”
Dan, she faded because her ex husband threatened to kill her and because she’s not in a stable place to date. Pretty cut and dry there, I think. But let’s look big picture, shall we?
You are constantly reliving this scenario. Why? Yes, you ignored red flags. Why? Why can’t you just cut out the minute one of those big red flags starts waving? You seem to go out with anybody that shows interest, get ditched, and then complain about it. You never move past that same stumbling block. Why? You’re not learning anything. You’re not taking the lessons you were taught with the previous situation and making adjustments. You seem intent on “winning” here. You appear to want to make one of these scenarios work so you can prove to yourself that it’s not about you. Dan…it IS about you. So acknowledge that, fix the problem and move on.
Crotch Rocket had a great comment the other day. I’m going to sign off with it:
Focusing on the other person’s wrongs is a way for us to justify our own wrongs. And then they do the same thing, of course. Voilà, vicious cycle.