Comment: Hi, I am wondering if what happens to me is “normal” in the dating world here in NYC. I am 35, on OKC and I get asked out a lot. I meet an average of 3 guys per week, which some would consider lucky. I think I would feel lucky if all I wanted was to go to countless dates with men that 98% of the time I never hear back from. Is this normal? Do other women experience what I take as rejection??
3 dates a week doesn’t sound abnormal for OK Cupid. It’s a free website. As many people have mentioned in previous threads, OKC attracts a number of time wasters. That site is heavily populated by folks not terribly interested in anything beyond attention or a casual relationship. Hence why you’re getting so much action. I’m going to guess that you’re a quantity over quality person. You go out with pretty much everyone who asks because you like feeling so in demand. OK Cupid is like a fun house mirror in that it provides a distorted view of our desirability and attractiveness. Hate to be the bearing of bad news, but let’s just say that that site isn’t known for attracting men who are terribly picky.
I highly doubt that the majority of men you’re meeting on OK Cupid are actually looking for a relationship. Getting dates with OKC is beyond easy. Getting quality dates is much, much harder. Many of those guys are taking you out in the hopes of hooking up. When that doesn’t happen they just move on. That would explain a good portion of the rejection that you are experiencing.
The other contributing factor is probably that you’re disappointing these men somehow. Either your profile is too good and full of embellishments or..dun dun DUN! you don’t look like your photos.
While it’s not abnormal to have many one off first dates that lead no where, it is atypical to have that many not lead to a second date. So something is off. Whomever you present online is not translating offline. You should be getting more men following up if you’re having 3 dates a week. So, in addition to meeting a lot of one and doners, it’s either an issue of inaccurate photos or you’re just not terrible interesting/engaging. That’s something that a lot of people don’t consider. Everybody thinks they “rock” first dates. Few people actually do. Every person I’ve ever known or heard of who was booking multiple online dates every week always, to me, seemed to have something “off” about them. Either they seemed burnt out on the process or over-anxious or completely desensitized to the process. I think 2 dates a week with two different people is pushing it. More than that and you’re just overloading your mental hard drive. People assume because they get so many dates or have so many people eager to commit to them that that actually means what they think it means. A lot of times it doesn’t. You’d be surprised what people will do and say just to get sex on the regs. Or at all.
I don’t know how to say this without some people feeling as though I am trying to crush their spirit. Dating in Manhattan or in any city where there is an overage of single women to single men is tough. Trying to date in Manhattan as a woman in her mid to late thirties and older is brutal. As harsh as this sounds, the odds are just against us. My suggestion to you, OP, as well as to all the other women in your age range and above is to branch out. Way out. Like Boston or Connecticut or Philadelphia. Or maybe even further. We are just not in demand here. I’m not saying that you should completely count out the men where you live. I’m suggesting that you widen the net.
I will also advise any woman over 35 that is looking for a relationship to rely more heavily on the paid dating sites. Use OK Cupid, as it’s a great way to get dates and get out. Who knows, you might strike gold. But if you really want something serious, OK Cupid is just not the place to go. You are up against it on that site, competing with a lot of women in the same boat.
As for the guys who struggle, all the whining and sad sackery has to stop. Get off the angry man forums. Many of you sound like the 98 pound weakling who just had sand kicked in his face at beach. If you want a certain type of woman, you need to up your game. That means dressing and sounding the part. You can say all you like how unfair it is that women don’t like nice stable guys but deep down you know that’s not true. They just don’t want you. It’s time for you to stop listening to all the other losers at love and break free from that pack. Maybe it would serve you well to look elsewhere, too. Either that or suck it up and accept that your $10 first date policy isn’t cutting it. Time to break open the wallet and pull yourself together. Congrats, you stay in shape or you’re pretty or you have a job. Whoopee. You’re hardly unique. If you want people to notice you or take you seriously you have to present yourself in a certain way.
If you’re surrounded by people who bring more to the table, and at any given time you probably are, then you need to either up your game in some way and/or go where people want what you can offer. If you aren’t willing to do either, then you need to accept the reality of your situation quickly and learn to adapt.