Comment: Hi, Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 months now. Things are going well and we are getting closer every day. Ive met some of his friends and vice versa. As most people, we have facebook accounts and we added each other from month 1. We traveled together 2 weeks ago to Europe for 10 days but he didn’t upload any pics. He sent them to me on an online album. He has very few pictures on facebook but do have 3 pictures from 3 years ago with an ex at restaurants, etc… all had other people in them. All the pics on his facebook are tags from his friends. He’s in the technology business and has a lot of clients and employees on facebook so 90% of his comments are work related but he does posts daily. Well, he posts on his tweeter and they upload into facebook automatically. We haven’t seen each other for 2 weeks because we’ve both been traveling. Question is I’ve been tempted to write on his wall telling him I miss him or commenting on his posts but hes never written on mine so I dont know if I should. I feel it may be sending the message of “I’m insecure and want everyone to know we r together”. We speak over the phone several times a day, so is not like facebook is our mean to communicate ever. But still…. Any feedback?
For additional back story on this situation, read Carina’s first letter so you can follow possible references to the original post.
Since it appears as though he maintains a Facebook page more for work purposes than anything else, and isn’t uploading photos from your trip, that he prefers to keep his private life offline.
I feel it may be sending the message of “I’m insecure and want everyone to know we r together”.
That’s is the message that posting a sentiment like that would send. And let’s be honest, that’s exactly why you would want to post it. If you and he talk all the time, several times a day, there’s no reason for you to post something so personal on his Facebook Wall other than to make your presence known. That’s why most people do it. That’s why they post photos and write cutesy tweets and Like even the most obscure or boring of updates. They want everybody to know that they have someone. Or they want to piss off an ex. Or they just want attention.
You’re bothered that he’s not uploading your trip photos to Facebook. I can understand that. Now, if we didn’t have the first letter and the additional info in there, I’d say you this was a simple case of being insecure. But since we do, I want to follow up on something you said in the first letter. You said he’s met your family. Have you met his? Maybe that’s what the trip to Europe was about. I don’t know. What I do know is that something causing you to be insecure and maybe a little paranoid. What is it?
Is it a bad sign that he’s not posting things on Facebook? Taken at face value, my answer is no. He works in technology and so he’s probably hyper-aware of the privacy issues on Facebook. I find people who are eager to post pictures and updates are usually doing it for the benefit of others or to support some manufactured image they have of themselves and not out of genuine contentment or happiness.
Listen, we all do it to some degree. We Facebook stalk exes, we pour over albums to take a look at their past lovers. We read their tweets. (Or, ahem, their blog.) We keep tabs on past boyfriends or girlfriends or lovers. It’s hardly atypical these days and it usually isn’t done maliciously. (Unless of course somebody is looking to add a little dramz to their life or tedious relationship.) Rational people know the lines, and we don’t cross them. We don’t impose ourselves in that person’s life in any way, especially if we know we’re not wanted. We might have private snark/analysis sessions with our friends, but that’s about it. Plus, it’s entertaining to watch the self-obsessed drama queens flame out or take themselves too seriously. It’s all for attention and to add to some creepy mystique or to add some spice to their relationship or to mess with their significant other. I’ve mentioned before that I have male friends who intentionally write on the walls of women who are mutual friends with the women they date. They do it intentionally to get a reaction. Which then compels the woman they’re taunting to check their page that much more often and be on high alert. As I said in an article I wrote for The Good Men Project yesterday, social media does not kill relationships. People kill relationships (TM Crotch Rocket.)
You need to be honest with yourself about a few things. You just wrote a comment about how, when you lived in NYC, you had a hard time finding a guy who wanted a relationship. Maybe you did encounter those guys, but your inability to trust and need to mark your territory pushed them away? When you’re watching what you guy is doing via Facebook because you fear something is off, that’s when it all becomes a problem.
I think you fear that this guy is hiding you away for some reason. Frankly, I think he is. Maybe not hiding you so much as holding off on bringing you in to the fold. You’re concerned that he doesn’t seem eager (or as eager as you) to let everybody know about your relationship. You’re of the mindset that this is a magical love affair and that he should be shouting it from the roof tops. To him, this is just a new relationship, like all the ones he has had before. (And FYI…those relationships never stuck, according to you. ) Maybe he has a recent Ex. Maybe he is cautious about what he shares publicly.Maybe he’s questioning the relationship. Maybe he doesn’t want there to be any public evidence that he’s in a relationship. It’s too early to tell and I don’t know him.
You, on the other hand, are desperate to broadcast this relationship publicly. Not that I don’t understand your anxiety. I do. This guy definitely seems, based on what you’ve shared, to be slow at incorporating you into his life. This is why I say that committing early, offering you a key to his place, traveling, meeting your family, etc means nothing . If he’s not making the same effort to introduce you to his world – his public world – something is off. (Also a red flag is if he’s too eager to make the relationship public. That’s for a reason, and it usually isn’t happiness.)
You’re insecure for a reason. Either you’re a naturally insecure person or something about this relationship is setting off some warning bells. It doesn’t make sense that, after all this guy has done and alllll the bragging you have done, that you’re this insecure about Facebook.
I said it last time and I’ll say it again. This guy was way too eager to commit, and likely did so to get laid since you admitted that you told him you don’t have sex without commitment. He committed casually, knowing he could always leave. Which isn’t real commitment.