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Can You Find The Real Deal On An Online Dating Site?

January 10, 2013 by 18 Comments

Name: Clare
Age: 40
State: Belfast
Question: I recently met a man I really like on line, I have lots of other guys texting me but I get a real buzz when this guy does, he is funny and articulate and when he phones to speak to me we are on the phone for hours, but I have been separated now for 4 years. When I initially split with my husband I had met a guy online that I liked but was very needy and vulnerable and I frightened him off, I really don’t want to do that again.

He lives in another country, but as he is quite wealthy he has said he is going to come back here for a few months to spend some quality time with me, to see if there is anything behind what we have, when he went home he text  me within to days with his new mobile number to let me know he was back.

We didn’t sleep together as I’d met him on line and wasn’t comfortable about it and he respected that, but the more we got to know each other the better we get on. As I have been out of the dating game for so long, I’m not sure about anything any more, who texts first etc I really don’t want to appear as vulnerable, as I am a much stronger person now, but should we create mystery about ourselves, if so for how long? And is it possible to find the real deal on a dating site ?

 

Yes, I think it’s possible to find the real deal on a dating site. It just depends on what your definition of “the real deal” is. As I said last night in the comments, I’ve had a great deal of luck with online dating. But that’s mainly due to the fact that I’m not looking for long term commitment. I do a pretty good job of weeding out the time wasters. There’s the occasional gaffe, but they are very few and very far between. I have not had many of the stereotypical “bad online dates” we hear so much about on the internet. That’s only because I don’t go out with every guy who shows interest and know exactly what I want. I think people, especially people over 35, who join online dating sites looking for long-term commitment are going to be sorely disappointed. Long Term commitment no longer means moving in together or marriage. It means dating more than 6 months or so. Appropriate your expectations, learn how to filter and read people and embrace/understand your audience and you’ll have great success with online dating.

Unfortunately, I don’t this guy is the real deal. The wealthy man from another country schtick reeks of scammer or Man of Mystery type who flies around the world bedding women out of boredom. Since you admit that you are vulnerable, that cements my impression of this man even more. That is what these types specifically seek out. There are likely some clues to this vulnerability in your profile,too. If you have any mentions of being separated or unsure/hesitant in any way, that’s why draws men like this to you. As a commenter recently said, just because you and this guy got on well doesn’t mean he was actually interested in you. He was being polite. If he truly is wealthy and has the expendable cash flow to fly and meet you, I’m guessing he has just as many options a stone’s throw away from his WiFi spot. Therefore, why isn’t he dating one of those women if that’s what he actually wants? If he doesn’t have any options closer, then why?

Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that, because a guy stuck after he didn’t get sex, that means he’s “truly” interested. What else was he going to do? He was stuck somewhere unfamiliar and probably didn’t have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to. Trust me, he was hoping for and even expected sex. People don’t fly hundreds of miles for good conversation. I wouldn’t hold your breath hoping to see this guy again. He very well might text and chat with you, but you have dropped down the priority list.

As far as whether or not mystery is important, I say yes. That’s why you shouldn’t spend too much time communicating, flirting or otherwise “bonding” with someone you’ve only met online. It builds a false sense of security. It also makes you more vulnerable to those who might not be on the same page.  You’ll get too comfortable and share things you probably shouldn’t share, which leaves you open to being tricked or bamboozled.

Going forward, I would avoid the rich jet setter types who live far away. My instinct says that 50% of those men are looking for the low hanging fruit, and the other 50% can’t find a woman close to them due to a critical personality flaw.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Long Distance Love, Low Hanging Fruit, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Only 2013 Dating Resolutions You’ll Need

December 31, 2012 by 20 Comments

Let’s get right to this:

 

1. Stop asking “Why?”- To quote your parents, “Because. That’s why.” You’re never going to fully understand why someone wasn’t interested or why something didn’t work. It just didn’t. Don’t waste time trying to figure things out. That is, unless that one thing is a pattern. Then you should do some personal inventory and ask yourself (and friends you trust) some tough questions.

2. Give people a chance- Okay, so he wrote you and just said, “Hey’”or “How are you?” Some people aren’t very good with small talk. If their profile works for you, don’t let a wink, a flirt or a brief message with no personalization prevent you from replying.

3. Stop asking so many questions - Either take the leap or stay home.You’re never going to have a complete picture. Go big or go home.

4. Ladies, plan the first date once in a while - Stop leaving it up to the guy. It seems like 80% of the time, women get pissed for one reason or another about where the guy chooses to meet. If it’s so controversial take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.

5. Make up your own mind - Stop living by other people’s rules. They aren’t you. What works for them isn’t always what is best for you.

6. Stop caring what people think - I’m telling you, most of the judgments you hear and read come from people who absolutely suck at dating.They want you to fail.

7. Learn to enjoy the beauty of a dive bar - You haven’t really dated until you’ve had a night of beers, bad bar food and cheesy jukebox music. Every date doesn’t have to look like a scene from Sex and the City. Withhold judgment until you actually have the date.

8. Ladies, stop being afraid of being sexual/”slutty” – For the love of God, stop listening to your friends. I’m telling you that their heads have been in way more laps than they care to reveal.Fun fact: you’re friends won’t have anything to judge if you lie or keep details to yourself.

9. Guys, get rid of that stupid “I’ll only spend $20 on a first date” rule – Dating costs money. Get over it. Be more discerning when inviting women out if you find you’re spending too much money.Yes, you’re being cheap.

10. Don’t say “Yes” to a date unless you’re really interested – Be considerate of the schedule and time of other people. Setting vague plans and not following up is rude.Read a person’s complete profile before engaging them.

11. Don’t fear rejection or failure – You need the bad experiences to help you enjoy and identify the good ones. Unless you want to keep re-living the same date over and over, you have to see things through. Ladies, send that “thank you” email the next morning and suggest another date. Don’t wait for him to do it. Guys, if you like her then ask her out at the end of the first date.

12. Update profile photos regularly - No more posting pics from 2009! Make it a point to have friends take pictures whenever you’re out. You should be updating those photos every 3-6 months.

13. Have sex on the first date - Do it. Yes, relationships do come from it. You don’t have to do it all the time, of course. But don’t not have sex thinking you have cleared some imaginary hurdle. You haven’t.

14. Stop placing importance on empty gestures - It means nothing until it means everything. Remember that. Just because he paid the check doesn’t mean he’s sincere. Just because she accepted an invitation to dinner doesn’t mean she’s interested.We do things because it’s expected or as a means to an end.

15. Stop looking for signs - You know how you know a relationship (of whatever type) is working? You’re not watching or looking for signs. You’re too busy enjoying the moment and the experience.

16. Stop demanding honesty - Until someone is truly invested, they’re not going to risk conflict by offering total disclosure. Allow people to bow out of things in their own way. Yes, that sometimes means fading. Chasing them down and demanding an answer isn’t worth your dignity or self-esteem.

17. Stop dating assholes - This one is self-explanatory. The better choices you make, the better your experience. The people who complain and gripe all the time are doing that because the repeatedly date people that don’t treat them well. That’s because they focus on shallow criteria and don’t pay attention to the red flags..

18. Lower your expectations - Dating has become such a commodity these days that it’s counter-productive to need to feel special and unique on every first date.

19. Reply to messages quicker - No more trying to play it cool, folks! The process has now become so intensified that someone can email you on Monday and be smitten by Tuesday.

20. Stop being afraid of being alone - Listen. You’ve made it this far on your own. Maybe the love of your life is the love of *your life.* Appreciate and take advantage of the benefits of being single.

21. Date multiple people at once – Try it before you pass judgment. See how it fits.If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. But don’t turn your nose up at the idea until you’ve actually given it a chance.

2. Don’t make every first date an interview - Knock back a couple drinks and enjoy yourself. Stop being so worried that you might make some critical error that will turn someone off. If they’re interested, they’ll be interested the next morning unless you do something horribly offensive. Have fun! Get a buzz, flirt a little, tell a dirty joke.

Have any of your own?

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Dating Skills Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What’s So Bad About Dating Someone “Good Enough?”

November 30, 2012 by 75 Comments

A comment in last night’s post got me to thinking about something.

Do we set ourselves up to fail when we expect to find one person who meets all of our needs?

Another reason why I’ve become an advocate of dating multiple people is because I don’t happen to think it’s reasonable to hold out for that ONE person who has everything we seek.  I’ve said before that I don’t believe any of those stories we hear about that woman from our office/college roommate/cousin who found love at 45 and is blissfully happy. I truly believe that that woman (or that man) compromised quite a bit. They let go of needing X, Y or Z. I do not buy into the myth that fate played its part and put that love of their life in their path or anything like that. I think 2 people met and decided, “This is good enough.” Which isn’t a bad thing.

The time for wanting that intense, makes your heart race attraction is when we’re younger. Waiting for that, I believe, is just self-sabotage. That sort of thinking is for people whose whole idea of love and relationships and commitment come from movies and TV and books and phony, exaggerated stories we heard from friends.

It’s not a coincidence that all the women who complain about not being able to find a decent guy also all the ones who are drawn to the ambitious, charming, handsome (to them) men. They want that intense attraction or the perpetual attention/validation. They don’t stop to consider that those men either have no need for commitment or monogamy or that they (the women) don’t bring enough to the table/possess too many critical flaws to get that guy to lock it down.

So, rather than just date two or three guys that satisfy their various needs, they continue to swim against the tide waiting for that one ideal guy to come along and choose them.

To what end, though? How long can someone get away with this until they’ve completely boxed themselves out or made themselves undateable?

Do you believe that there is one person out there that can satisfy and fulfill your needs?

What, for you,  are the pros and cons of dating multiple people?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Monogamy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?

November 20, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: M
Age: 28
State: TX
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances??  Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!

I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.

Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else.  It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.

These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.

Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.

How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.

But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.

Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.

You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.

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Filed Under: Beware, Cheating, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Douchey Guys, Girlfriends & Sabotage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Ladies: Stop Pretending You Have Standards

November 16, 2012 by 30 Comments

I had a similar experience recently and agree with Moxie’s assessment. Went out on a first date with a guy, had a great time (he was actually better looking in person than he was in his photos, which rarely happens). For the second date, he texted me *asking to come over to my place* so that we could make dinner. I know, I know — I shouldn’t have done it and would never make the mistake again. I *should* have done what the OP did and say “let’s save it for later” and suggested that we go out again. Problem was, I genuinely enjoy having people over sometimes as opposed to going out (more relaxed, etc) and so I let that cloud my judgment. He came over, we had fun, but by the end of it I just sort of felt ambivalent about him (ie, “meh”).

That was on a Sunday. On Friday, he texted me something that kind of blew my mind a little bit. “Enjoyed your apartment. Would be willing to come over again one eve.”

As Moxie has so aptly put it in previous posts: “lady boner gone.” Previously, I would have sent back some sort of snarky text saying “Oh, thank God. I’m so glad you would be *willing* to come over to my apartment to eat my food and sleep with me.” But in the end, I just ignored it and moved on. A gentleman who was truly interested in a relationship would have said something like, “thank you so much for having me over for dinner – would love to go out again,” and would have *called* me rather than sending the text he did. I’m not sure whether he thought he was being cute/funny, but I didn’t find it to be either of those things. Once I didn’t respond to that text, he disappeared. Before, that would have bothered me, too — but at this point, I’ve just decided that I’ll wait for someone who’s a gentleman and who has a modicum of class/manners. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. I hate being single, and I hate having to be on these sites at my age. But I’d rather be single and still looking than settle for someone who’s “willing” to come over to my apartment. Sigh. Next… – Avery

 

Forgive my delay on this. I’ve been a bit jammed up after taking several days off and dealing with some stuff back home in Boston.

Okay. Let me break this one down for you.

Woman abandons her standards for really good looking guy. Hilarity ensues.

I don’t buy for a moment that Avery accepted his brazen invitation over to his place because she likes to entertain. She accepted it because he was good looking and charming. Then she was offended that the man who rudely invited himself over to her place didn’t behave like a “true gentleman” and call her to thank her properly for the meal and sex.  His text message, which might as well have just said, “Hey. Thanks for the sex!”, offended her because the underlying message of that text made it abundantly clear that this guy didn’t want anything beyond casual sex/short term dating. She wasn’t offended by the medium in which he used to contact her. She was offended that he didn’t say something that implied he wanted more than just sex.

All of this could have been avoided had she acknowledged that this guy wasn’t a “true gentleman” from the get go when he invited himself over to her apartment for a meal. PS? What the hell is up with that?  Why couldn’t he just invite her over to his place? Red flag, ladies.

Avery didn’t feel ambivalent about this guy. After they had sex, she slowly realized that this guy wasn’t genuinely interested beyond casually sleeping together. That’s what bothered her. Women like to act like they’re the ones who lost interest, and I truly believe they believe that is the case, but I’d bet nine times out of ten they’re just looking to spare themselves the embarrassment of admitting they have been had.

If you want a guy with class and manners, don’t sleep with men who invite themselves over to your apartment for a second date. There. Easy peasy Japanesey. You can’t say you have standards and refuse to be treated like some bimbo they met in a bar and then justify letting a man do just that. The guy was good looking. There’s your answer for why all of this happened. He was good looking and interesting and charming and omigod grab on to his ankles before he gets loose! He’s one guy. You can spit and hit a man just like that at any given moment. Also stop thinking that you’re doing men a favor by “looking past the physical.” If you’re doing it, other women are doing it. If you find a man physically unappealing but are enamored with his charm and accomplishments, you’re still being shallow. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.

If you want to have standards, have standards. But standards only prevent you from being used and abused if you stick to them consistently. The whole “I refuse to settle” argument is so flimsy and disingenuous. Avery, you did settle.You did. If you said that you weren’t willing to settle further, I’d agree with you. But you did settle. Stop listening to all your girlfriends who say not to change anything about yourself and to hold out for a guy who meets your expectations and who gives you the butterflies and whatevs. If you want a relationship you’re going to have to settle in some way. That’s it.

Sorry there’s no happy ending there. By 35 or so, if you’re still holding out for love and promises and commitment, you’re going to have to make some serious compromises.Either that or get very, very comfortable with the idea of not being in a serious relationship.

 

 

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Reader Rant, Red Flags, Tests, Whine of The Week Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What Does “Boyfriend” Even Mean These Days?

October 18, 2012 by 13 Comments

Name: Christa
Age: 24
State: NY
Question: bf and I are in a serious relationship for six months. And in his line of work, he works with many beautiful female coworkers and travels a lot. I totally understand that if you are in a new town and you would want to meet up with a coworker for dinner and chat after work. But what about after dinner, is it normal to continue this to bars, movie theaters, concerts or shows. I trust him and I never think he will cheat on me, but I will feel much comfortable if there are not just two of them doing things together. Like one day, he took a female coworker (single) out to see a comedy show (on work day and the show ended at midnight) . When I asked him about it, he got almost concerned that I made a big deal out of this, because he think it is completely normal and this happens or will happen a lot while he is out of town. I am not completely comfortable with it, especially I met with this coworker, and I think she is kinda flirtatious around men, even though bf told me she is not his type. I love my boyfriend, and I really want to work things out, but I don’t know what I can do and where the problems are, am I just been unreasonable and jealous or he should cut down his social life on travel. want to hear insights from both men and women.

It’s very easy for me or anybody here to challenge this statement and wonder if maybe you don’t trust your boyfriend. I believe you can trust someone, but still be uncomfortable with the idea that an attraction might grow from these “innocent” outings. Which it can and more than likely will. Guys with girlfriends don’t “hang out” with attractive women for the sake of being besties. They hang out with attractive women to either sleep with them or to maintain some semblance of of their “single” life.

He’s your boyfriend. Okay. What does that even mean these days? I don’t know how many women I hear use this word and then – poof! – within weeks to months they’ve been dumped. So, really, what does it mean to be someone’s boyfriend other than you’re making a promise “for now.” Unless you know how someone defines and values commitment, you really don’t know what they are agreeing to exactly when they say they will be your boyfriend. It’s as if the moment the man agrees to be called a boyfriend, the woman thinks the rest is all set in stone. It’s not. There is no test to take or qualifications needed. Anybody can do it. It’s very easy to agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend, like a couple of high school virgins, when you’re a few months in and every thing is awesomesauce. At that point, nobody is really sacrificing anything because they don’t feel there’s anything to sacrifice. Then the rose colored glasses are off. Reality and temptation sets in.

The problem I have with your scenario is this:

Like one day, he took a female coworker (single) out to see a comedy show (on work day and the show ended at midnight) . When I asked him about it, he got almost concerned that I made a big deal out of this, because he think it is completely normal and this happens or will happen a lot while he is out of town.

So basically when you told him that something made you uncomfortable, he pretty much gave you the “you’re crazy” speech? Oh. Okay. Thanks for mansplaining that, brah. There’s the biggest red flag out of all of this.  What he’s telling you is, “Listen. This is how it is with me. Either you can deal with it or you can’t. This won’t change.” There’s nothing wrong with wanting to kill time while out of town. But it’s work, not a vacation. It’s not supposed to be fun. Great, grab a drink at the hotel bar after your day of meetings and then call it a night. Your guy is using the situation to “date” other women without actually dating them or cheating on you. He probably isn’t even aware that that is what he’s doing. What his behavior tells me is that he isn’t fully content cutting off all those other options. Technically, he’s not doing anything wrong. But let’s cut the crap. We all know that guys are rarely looking for someone to brush their hair and get mani pedis with when they hang with women this way.

Instead of doing the smart thing and just keeping his mouth shut about what he did on his mini-vacation out of town, he’s telling you. If he’s doing nothing wrong then what does he have to “confess?” I keep saying this. The question people should ask themselves when they get the “total honesty” stuff from their mate is, “Why are they telling me this? Do I really need to know this?” A smart guy would know that telling his girlfriend about the dinner and night on the town he spent with a female co-worker would raise eyebrows. Therefore, he wouldn’t tell her unless she asked him and drilled him for answers. (Which might be the case here.) Even then, there’s no need for specifics. “I had a drink with Lana after the meeting and then watched some TV and went to bed.” Done.

He’s pretty much told you that he has no intention of changing this aspect of his lifestyle. You have your answer. You’ve expressed concern, he dismissed it.

Your move.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Realities Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Even Men Get Played

September 24, 2012 by 19 Comments

Name: Jeff
Age: 45
State: Maryland
Question: This has been an ongoing issue with a woman I’m dating. First the background: When this issue arose we are 4 months into this relationship, we are now at month 6+. Two weeks prior to this issue I had a minor crisis which caused us to spend far more time together than was planned. I walked away from that weekend with a deeper connection as the crisis had a side benefit of bringing us, or at least me closer to her. We have a long distance relationship as she lives about 2 hours from me. Our time together is mostly weekends with the occasional midweek date, extended weekend, etc, etc… We really hit it off, share many common interests, it doesn’t hurt that the sex is good too. How into her am I? I was inspired to do things for her: little gifts that while they didn’t cost much sent a message that I listen to you. Then there was the occasion where I transported fresh roses 3 hours in a car on a hot summer day, hid them, to surprise her with them at bed time, more on that later.

The issue is this: We rented a beach house. As I have kids I can only be there every other weekend, she is there every weekend. The issue that started this trip to the dark side was a shirt that was not mine. Getting into bed one night I opened a night stand drawer to stow my clothing for the night. Opening the drawer I find a shirt that I initially thought was mine left behind from a past weekend. Picking it up I discover that while it is my style it is not my size; XL vs. XXL. Granted this is a share house. While she had been there the weekend before we both were away 2 weeks prior. Upon finding it I asked her about it, not in an accusatory tone but one of puzzlement. Her reply, “You’re here every other weekend, your an XL, the guy who was here last weekend? He’s an XXL!” Unbeknownst to her there was a dozen of roses waiting for her on the headboard as she tells me she is fucking some guy a size bigger when I am not around!. Needless to say this was to use her words, major buzz kill! I was so turned off by this that I rolled over & went to sleep. I thought about packing my bags & going home right then & there. I stayed for a few reasons: Didn’t want to over react, it was 2 A.M., At this point I was awake for about 36 hours & leaving would have been suicidal as I needed sleep. The next day, Saturday, she smoothed things over told me she was “just joking”, (to which I’ve asked, “Who the fuck throws themselves under a bus like that?). While I wanted to believe her my spidey sense was now on alert. Later that day a visitor showed up at the house looking for her & a house mate. He was told she was up stairs in her bedroom, (we had been having sex, she suddenly ended things just as they were getting hot about 5 minutes prior to this guys arrival). This visitor does not call out to her from the first floor. He proceeded to walk up the stairs to our bedroom. To say the least this guy was way too familiar for my liking. I later told her if he does it again I will not be beating feet into the bathroom. That’s code for there will be a confrontation. BTW, he is an XXL & I’ve not hit anyone since high school.

After that weekend without a doubt I was not the same person, or should I say we were not the same couple? Without a doubt I paid greater attention to our surroundings. Let me add that as women go she is a hard woman to date: Life of the party, very flirty, many male friends, a few who are close…closer than I care, to say the least. Up until this point I handled all of this well. If she wanted to take an hour or 2 on a Saturday to golf with one of these guys I had no issue. Space is healthy in a relationship after all.

Paying greater attention to her & perhaps reading into things I learned this: One night while having sex she passionately tells me, “It’s been so long since we hooked up”. It was three weeks. I wanted to puke as I didn’t think I was someone she “hooked up” with. I’ve learned she can be a sneak and she does lies by omission. The male friends I mentioned? There is one who she actually briefly dated. One night after a party I felt the need to tell her that she needs to pay better attention to me as I felt like she was on a date with him. Side note: That night I asked this guy, “How long did you 2 date? He lied & said they never dated. Reading into things there was a moment with a girlfriend of hers where her g/f said to me, “You’re in love with her.” I replied, “Perhaps”. While the g/f said no more there was a look on her face that said, “if you only knew”. Moving forward a month after her “joke” I brought my kids out to the house for a mid week vacation. When I told her we were coming out on Sunday morning to spend the day at the beach as we wanted to make the most out of it she had a fit. She was in a absolute panic telling me how she didn’t want me showing up with kids, causing her housemates to feel like they had to make room for us, etc, etc… I told her I would not impose on her or fellow house mates, was not going to even show up at the house until Sunday night. Nothing mattered, as I said she was in a panic. I agreed not to arrive until late Sunday. Of course that marked the first time I lied to her. Me thought “the lady doth protest too much”. I arrived at the house at 7:30 on Sunday morning under the auspices of needing to get my beach items. I was there for one reason: To check up on her. What I found was that her car was there. Going through the house there was no sign of her. I was in her bedroom, her g/f was there asleep, she was not. Additionally she never goes anywhere without her cell phone. Calling it many times as I walked through our house it did ring many times. There was no answer by her, & no sound of it anywhere within our house.

Over the course of the next week I asked many questions, nailing her down on many issues one being that she was home that night. At first she didn’t recall what time she arrived, (her roommate was quick to declare that she “was home at 12:30″). After a week of her telling me many things I confronted her asking her where she stayed that Saturday night. She has done nothing but lie & claim she was home, clinging to the fact that her “car was home” & she never goes anywhere without her car. She had briefly stated that I lived 2 hours away. I told her that was true when I met her & true now adding I didn’t know we were no longer in an exclusive relationship. When I told her I had parked my car down the street as I knew she would have to pass that way & I saw her drive by she asked me what kind of car it was. Note no, that is impossible because I was home. She also went on to enlist 2 friends to tell me she was home that night, how juvenile! I’ve told her this is not something that someone whispered in my ear, I saw it with my own eyes, you were not here, there was no sign of you having slept in any bed and all of the other beds were taken.

Needless to say this is a recurring argument between us. Every time we encounter a random male friend of hers I dare not ask who he is or I am greeted with, “So do you think I’m sleeping with him too?” I answer no I do not. I’ve admitted that I do wonder who she spent the night with the night she stayed out. On that note I do know that she spent at least part of that night at a friend’s house. This friend is an engaged couple. They too have a share house with other house mates. I am leery of her friendship with this couple as I find it strange. One night when we were out with this couple there was a conversation where the woman was simply rude & insulting to me. Later discussing it with her I was warned, “Don’t come between me & (insert guys name), I warn you, you will lose.” She refers to the woman as her “sister”. Challenged on that she went on to explain that they are getting married & she has accepted her as her “sister”. This last part has me wondering if she swings with this couple. If this was Utah I would think there is some Big Love going on.

My question is, is this worth saving? Is there anything to save? Should she come clean would I be able to move past it?

Confused!

 

Is there anything to save?

You mean other than your dignity, self-respect and manhood?

You fell for the charming, charismatic woman. She has dumped on you time and again and you’ve taken it. She has no respect for you or probably any man stupid enough to date her. She dallies with guys like you because they give her a sense of power. Put her up against a true Alpha Male and she’d be in your shoes. This girl has a myriad of issues. None of which you’ll ever be able to fix. She’s still living like she’s a twenty something. A summer share? Really? How very Real World circa 1993.

There’s nothing to add to this other than you need to dump her before she manages to suck every ounce of life out of you and continue to drain your bank account. Let her fritter her years away like this. You can be sure it will all eventually catch up to her. Women like this always end up alone or with cuckholdish boyfriends/husbands.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Trust, Dating Over 40 Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why It’s Important To Know Your Dating Audience

July 20, 2012 by 85 Comments

Name: Michael
Question: I’m 48 and divorced for about 3 years. My question is simple, why is it that women in my age group and status (divorced w/ kids) are such head cases when it comes to dating and sex. One would think that having been divorced w/ kids they “know the drill,” but in fact they do not. And just so the record is clear, I do not meet women online, and am a nice looking, respectful guy with a good business, friends, interests, and hobbies. I also make it clear that we are not going out as friends but that we are on a date. When I meet a woman I want to take out I literally say “I would like to take you ON A DATE.” My intentions are clear. Yet they act shocked when we go out and I begin to (appropriately) flirt with them. In fact, the most balanced women I have met have been gals in their 20′s to early 30′s. You would think that they would be turned off by a guy in his 40′s w/ kids and who does not want more or to get re-married hitting on them. But they are not. So my question is simple – where do I find age and situation appropriate women who actually want to date – and by dating that includes intimacy, because without intimacy it is just a dumb guy being a woman’s entertainment committee.
Age: 48
State: NY

 

One would think that having been divorced w/ kids they “know the drill,”

Well, no, because they’ve been married and raising kids for the past 5-10 years or so. That means that when they left the dating scene, things were very different. They’re adjusting. They are still following the old rules. You know, where guys call to ask them out, etc. This is all culture shock for them.

It sounds like the bigger issue for you is that none of these women you go out with want to have any sort of intimacy with you. Reading this letter and many of your comments, I can see why. Dude, you’re scary. You’re very, very angry. I know you’ll say you’re not and that you’re totally different on a date. But people can pick up on underlying resentment and anger.If I were you, I’d start there. If you keep running into this situation, the problem is likely with you. I don’t know why that is so hard to hear for some people. You are part of the pattern. Ignoring that will not help you. You can live in delusion if you like. But you will end up alone. Of that I can assure you.

I don’t disagree that many women in your age bracket, with or without kids, aren’t what we’ll agree to call “difficult.” They are. In fact, when we host speeddating events for an age range that goes over 45, it’s difficult for me to staff it with my event managers. This is a tough age group, on both sides. It’s shocking to me to see and hear about some of the behavior of the people in this age range. Lots of people set in their ways, or who never dealt with their issues that were keeping them single. This group is far more prone to complaining and negativity, too. That works both ways. Men in this age range are also hard to handle. These are people who have been repeating the same bad behavior over and over and over again to the point where it has become ingrained in them.  I’m almost thinking of setting up a speeddating event where, for the first part of the event, everybody sits with me for ten minutes and I tell them what sort of first impression they make.

I’m totally starting to see why men gravitate towards younger women. I’ve said this before…when you do a search on any online dating for men 35-39 and men 42+, the difference in looks, attitude and attractiveness is vast. Whether men care about this or not, and they probably don’t, they should probably be aware that women in their late thirties to late forties are now starting to follow their lead. Especially those of us not looking to settle down any time soon. We don’t want the chubby, pasty, bitter 45 year old. Not only that, we don’t have to settle for it. We can date that 35, 37.,39 year old. That is, as long as we understand a very important caveat: it probably isn’t going to lead to long term commitment. But then, sometimes it does. Just not often. The harsh truth is that if we’ve gotten to this age and not been able to meet that goal of finding someone to settle down with, it’s not terribly likely we will any time soon. Time to take a good long look in the proverbial and literal mirror and accept certain realities. Mind you, I’m not saying that because being a certain age makes us less attractive. Nor am I referring to some dumb “expiration date.” I’m merely suggesting that what it is you thought you wanted might not  really be what you want after all. Because if you really did want it, you’d probably have it.

In fact, the most balanced women I have met have been gals in their 20′s to early 30′s. You would think that they would be turned off by a guy in his 40′s w/ kids and who does not want more or to get re-married hitting on them. But they are not.

Most of those women are turned off by a guy your age hitting on them. They’re indulging you for a free meal, gifts or attention.  What they say to your face and what they say behind your back are two different stories.They’re not the least bit invested in you. That’s why they don’t care. I do so love how men get such an ego boost from getting attention from younger women, oblivious to the fact that the attention isn’t substantive or real. But then, my guess is the socially/self-aware ones do get that. They just don’t care. But the others, like the OP, actually believe these women are drawn to their charm and personality. How cute. Sorry, brah. Those younger women don’t know enough to realize what you’re really all about, what your issues are, etc. It’s very easy to get some young simpleton to be impressed by you and your apartment and your job and by the places you take her and gifts you buy her. It’s a far bigger accomplishment to get someone to see you for exactly who you are and love you anyway.

I think the bigger problem for the OP and men/women like him is that they don’t know how to read women/men and don’t have an accurate perception of themselves.  You can read any comment string on this blog and hear women in their 40′s go on and on about how bitter/cheap/meek/deceptive/weak men are. Never once do they do they math and go, “Hmmm…why is it that I can never meet a man this meets my standards?” Here’s why..because the men you pursue don’t find you attractive. That’s it.Same goes for the whiny men. Sorry. You’re shooting out of your league. Time to fix that.

Repeat after me..know your audience.

If you keep meeting people or are hit on by people that are what you consider beneath you in some way, or keep meeting “crazies,” or are getting ignored by all those people you contact online, you need to re-evaluate.

You probably aren’t in the league you think you are. Either that or there is something drastically wrong with your approach.

I’m looking for fresh new questions for our dating advice column. All questions are anonymous. We cover all kinds of topics including: Online Dating– Facebook & Dating– Sex & Exclusivity– Traditional Dating “Rules”– The Fade. If you have any suggested topics, or want to submit a letter, please submit your questions here:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/submit-a-datingrelationship-question/

If you’ve got a confusing or frustrating dating dilemma, get honest and insightful feedback from singles all across the country!

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Flirting, flirting tips, Sex, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Why Men Reveal Things On a Need To Know Basis

June 27, 2012 by 6 Comments

Here’s a great article I found via @LadySnarksAlot:

I am officially, unofficially implementing a new rule for coupled people everywhere. Please, please, please if you are spoken for, you must mention it within five minutes of having a flirty conversation with me.

That’s the opening line of this post over at The Frisky.

There are two problems here. First, in many cases, the person isn’t actually flirting with us. They’re just being friendly. This is an area where sexism really rears it’s ugly head. The premise here is that any man who dare speaks to a woman MUST be flirting with her. Because he’s a man. And that’s all men do. Flirt and think about sex. Of course, sometimes they are flirting with the woman. In which case the author has a valid point. Don’t dangle that carrot in front of our faces only to yank it away when we decide to take a bite. First of all, it’s embarrassing. The woman ends up feeling really foolish for batting her eyes and dreaming of what you and she will do for Labor Day Weekend. (Oh stop. You know you’ve done that.) It’s not a good feeling to sit there and have a great conversation with a guy and feel, even if it’s only in your head, that there’s a connection only to have him drop the “g” word. “My girlfriend and I…”  I will never forget the time, about 15 years ago, I was on the bus going to work. An attractive man sat down next to me and began to read the paper. I tried to chat him up. He was polite. Then he took off his left glove. Just the left one. For no reason. Gotcha. You’re married. I’ll stop flirting with you now.

Awkward.

Then again, it could be that men do things like this to avoid getting themselves into trouble.  They could be hoping that the woman will get the hint and back away before his fly unzips and his penis falls into her mouth.

The second problem about requiring the man to reveal his relationship status, at least for me, is the way it puts all the responsibility on the man to disclose his relationship status before the woman gets too invested. Here’s a thought. If you find yourself intrigued by someone…ask them if they have a girlfriend or if they’re married.

This goes back to the whole conversation we have over and over again about honesty and diplomacy.

“Why can’t he just tell me he’s not interested instead of pretending he is?”

Why? Because then he won’t get attention. Or laid. They’re only going to tell you what they believe you need to know. Not what you believe you need to know. It’s on you to ask the pertinent questions. There’s a chance he wasn’t pretending. It could be that he decided after the date or conversation that he wasn’t interested after all. It happens. Not everything is some scheme. Or there’s a chance he was just being polite and nice and making the best of a situation. Or he just wanted a casual hook up from the start.

A conversation with someone outside of your relationship is not considered cheating and it certainly doesn’t hurt anyone; however, there is an assumption that if you are getting into a long, intense, flirtatious conversation with someone of the opposite sex, you are assessing them as potential dating material.

I guess this is true if you assume that anybody with a penis or vagina that strings a few sentences together or is friendly to you must want to date you. If that’s the case then why are there so many tweets and dating blog posts and articles about “mixed signals.” Maybe the signals weren’t mixed? Maybe you just didn’t interpret them correctly? What we really need to do is to not invest so much so soon. There is a certain amount of detachment required to date successfully. You have to go into each scenario expecting very little other than a fun conversation and enjoyable evening out. That’s it.

It’s like all those dates people have where they say there’s this amazing connection and chemistry only to wait by their phone for a text or email. Maybe there really wasn’t that incredible connection? Maybe you were just projecting your hopes and dreams on some random person. Is that possible?

All I’m asking is for you to be above board and tell me about your fianceé before we start making eyes at each other. This ensures that I will be nothing but appropriate and I’ll expect the same in return from you. We can even be friends.

Why would you want to be friends with a guy who already has a significant other who was flirting with you? That one statement pretty much negates everything else the author said. Why the need to be friends with any guy that tells you – either overtly or otherwise – that he doesn’t want you or care about your feelings?

I guess what I disagree with most is how some women seem to prefer to take a passive role in their own love lives. If you want to know something, ask! Men are happy to oblige as long as the question is asked at the appropriate time and without judgment. O f course, this doesn’t mean they’ll tell you the truth. But at least you were proactive. That way, if he does turn out to be a liar, you won’t kick yourself or feel as stupid.Listen, some people are really good liars. Especially if they’re primary form of communication is email or texts. Don’t leave it up to the guy to protect your feelings. You need to do that.

Maybe some of this has to do with how readily available information is to us nowadays and how easy it is to get it. We’ve been conditioned to expect an answer to specific questions without making much effort. When those answers aren’t served up to us on a silver platter, our brains short circuit. They’re hiding something, they’re lying, they’re leading us on. We have to formulate an answer in our heads or else we’ll go crazy. We need that information before we can make another move. It’s as if we’ve forgotten how to wait and see.

Part of the reason why so many women get duped and dumped out of the blue is because they didn’t ask the right questions. The fact is that many men will absolutely tell you what you want to hear in order to get what they want. Don’t be afraid to challenge something a man tells you, especially if you pick up on an inconsistency.I’d bet in at least half of the cases where a woman asks a man a direct questions, he either trips himself up or reveals more than he should. By asking the question, you increase your chances of getting the answers you need to make an informed decision about him.

This man that you barely know is not likely to care what is best for you. He’s looking out for himself.

And so should you.

 

 

New feature, guys. If you read a great article or blog post and think it would make for interesting discussion, submit it here!

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Whine of The Week Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Are Men Attracted to “Nice” Girls?

November 30, 2011 by 59 Comments

Name: Utterlyclueless20s
State: New York
Age: 27
Comment: I am an AA woman in my late 20s who has always had difficulty finding a mate. It seems like there is something I am missing in attracting someone of the opposite sex. I am cute, not drop dead gorgeous, but definitely cute. I am a bit shy when first meeting others and I tend to feed off the energy they give back to me. If they are excited about meeting, then I am excited about meeting them. If someone is lackluster toward me, then I try to be nice and end up feeling awkward. I have a hard time meeting men. I work in a mostly female industry and my social life is mostly connected to my career. When I do meet men at parties, and chat them up, I feel like I am always out competed by some girl with better tricks or conversation. I am a genuinely nice girl who prefers to read, cook and have quiet dinners with friends. My interests are mostly related to my career or are domestic. Parties are the worst place for me because I feel like I fade into a wall. I have tried online dating for years and feel like I keep getting men that are not even remotely in my league. They only want sex or they wear gold chains and baggy clothes. I am the kind of black woman that likes going to hipster venues and gallery openings. This has shut me out to most black men but I have been openly dating other races. Yet those guys were not looking for a relationship (at least with me). The problem is getting the right attention. How does one do that in real life?

NOTE: Since I don’t have much first hand experience with dating black men or women, I’m going to leave that topic to the readers who do. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.

These are all great things that many men value and find attractive. But they also want a woman who brings more to the table than just “nice.” Really think about that word for a second. Think about when and how you use it in this context.

“Oh, I met him. He seemed nice.”

Nice is the word we use when we really didn’t get any read or beat on someone because they displayed no dicernable personality.

Nice, to be blunt, is boring. Nobody wants to date boring. Especially the boring people. We all want someone who keeps us on our toes in some way. We want someone engaging. Not to be confused with “charisma.” Charisma is charm on speed. It’s fake and exaggerated and in no way genuine. When women say that they want a guy who has “charisma” what they’re telling you is that they are drawn to phony assholes who know exactly what to say and do to keep a woman’s attention. They want a guy with charisma because those men are usually in high demand. They think that getting a guy with charisma means that man finds her charismatic, too. Except they don’t. They actually find her really insecure and therefore easy to manipulate. That’s the attraction for men like that.

I am a genuinely nice girl who prefers to read, cook and have quiet dinners with friends

Men like nice. But men also like and want a woman that is naughty. They like women with a bit of an edge. As long as the woman displays a sense of vulnerability about her, she can pretty much get away with anything. So often you hear women wonder out loud, “What does he see in her?” What he sees is a healthy mix of femininity, vulnerability and sexiness. That can come in all kinds of packages. But the crucial component in that mix is vulnerability. Does she make me feel safe? Will I be able to be who I really am and show my fears and frustrations without her judging me or making it about her? If a man can glean that from a conversation with a woman and there’s a physical attraction, then he’s going to want to get to know that woman better. We talked before about men being intimidated by certain kinds of women. As long as the woman demonstrates her own ability to be vulnerable, she can be as assertive and bawdy and outspoken as she likes. The lack of vulnerability is what turns men off. So if you want to know what men want..that’s it.

Utterly, the tone of this message lacks vulnerability. You sound stiff  and a little entitled. I’m sure you are a bit of a wall flower, but the underlying rigidness is you’re bigger problem. Most men can and will overlook a woman’s shy nature. They even find that attractive to some degree. But if they pick up on the entitled tone or demeanor, they’re out.

I have tried online dating for years and feel like I keep getting men that are not even remotely in my league

We all feel that way. That’s because most of us way over-estimate what our league actually is. I can assure you that if you can’t keep a man engaged at a party or are always being shoved aside for other women, then you are not the catch you think you are. Leagues just aren’t about looks or status. Personality and charm play just a big of a role when determining your league. In fact, I’d say that personality is the one determining factor that can bump someone moderately attractive/marginally employed up to a higher league.

You need to work on your personality. You also need to take yourself down a notch or two. Anybody that says outwardly admits that someone “isn’t in their league” is merely trying to hide a bruised ego. You’re offended by the majority of replies you get online. Which I get and understand, as I’ve been in places like that. It is frustrating to get message after message from socially awkward men or guys who fall far outside your search criteria. It makes you wonder (as it should) if this is the best you can do.

The answer, Utterly, is…sorta. You need to take a look at the replies that you get online and get a general idea about what all these men have in common. That, in a nutshell, is your league. It might not look pretty or feel good, but it’s a pretty accurate barometer. You’re next step is to look at what you bring to the table and how you present yourself and figure out what you can tweak in order to change the quality of your responses, online and off. Maybe you need to rewrite your profile or post new photos. Maybe you need to work on your social skills. Maybe you could make some significant changes to your presentation. You’re not going to change the men and what they want. But you can, if you choose or feel you should, make changes about yourself.

The starting point for you is find out what men really think when they meet you and what sort of impression you make.

 

 

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