Question: I recently met a man I really like on line, I have lots of other guys texting me but I get a real buzz when this guy does, he is funny and articulate and when he phones to speak to me we are on the phone for hours, but I have been separated now for 4 years. When I initially split with my husband I had met a guy online that I liked but was very needy and vulnerable and I frightened him off, I really don’t want to do that again.
He lives in another country, but as he is quite wealthy he has said he is going to come back here for a few months to spend some quality time with me, to see if there is anything behind what we have, when he went home he text me within to days with his new mobile number to let me know he was back.
We didn’t sleep together as I’d met him on line and wasn’t comfortable about it and he respected that, but the more we got to know each other the better we get on. As I have been out of the dating game for so long, I’m not sure about anything any more, who texts first etc I really don’t want to appear as vulnerable, as I am a much stronger person now, but should we create mystery about ourselves, if so for how long? And is it possible to find the real deal on a dating site ?
Yes, I think it’s possible to find the real deal on a dating site. It just depends on what your definition of “the real deal” is. As I said last night in the comments, I’ve had a great deal of luck with online dating. But that’s mainly due to the fact that I’m not looking for long term commitment. I do a pretty good job of weeding out the time wasters. There’s the occasional gaffe, but they are very few and very far between. I have not had many of the stereotypical “bad online dates” we hear so much about on the internet. That’s only because I don’t go out with every guy who shows interest and know exactly what I want. I think people, especially people over 35, who join online dating sites looking for long-term commitment are going to be sorely disappointed. Long Term commitment no longer means moving in together or marriage. It means dating more than 6 months or so. Appropriate your expectations, learn how to filter and read people and embrace/understand your audience and you’ll have great success with online dating.
Unfortunately, I don’t this guy is the real deal. The wealthy man from another country schtick reeks of scammer or Man of Mystery type who flies around the world bedding women out of boredom. Since you admit that you are vulnerable, that cements my impression of this man even more. That is what these types specifically seek out. There are likely some clues to this vulnerability in your profile,too. If you have any mentions of being separated or unsure/hesitant in any way, that’s why draws men like this to you. As a commenter recently said, just because you and this guy got on well doesn’t mean he was actually interested in you. He was being polite. If he truly is wealthy and has the expendable cash flow to fly and meet you, I’m guessing he has just as many options a stone’s throw away from his WiFi spot. Therefore, why isn’t he dating one of those women if that’s what he actually wants? If he doesn’t have any options closer, then why?
Don’t fall into the trap of assuming that, because a guy stuck after he didn’t get sex, that means he’s “truly” interested. What else was he going to do? He was stuck somewhere unfamiliar and probably didn’t have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to. Trust me, he was hoping for and even expected sex. People don’t fly hundreds of miles for good conversation. I wouldn’t hold your breath hoping to see this guy again. He very well might text and chat with you, but you have dropped down the priority list.
As far as whether or not mystery is important, I say yes. That’s why you shouldn’t spend too much time communicating, flirting or otherwise “bonding” with someone you’ve only met online. It builds a false sense of security. It also makes you more vulnerable to those who might not be on the same page. You’ll get too comfortable and share things you probably shouldn’t share, which leaves you open to being tricked or bamboozled.
Going forward, I would avoid the rich jet setter types who live far away. My instinct says that 50% of those men are looking for the low hanging fruit, and the other 50% can’t find a woman close to them due to a critical personality flaw.