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Beware The Man Who Was Burned By His Ex

January 30, 2013 by 35 Comments

Name: Peter
Age: 28
State:
Question: The last post in regards to single vs divorced is the impetus for this letter.  I am currently separated from my wife and required to live apart for 1 full year before filing for divorce in my state with 6 months down and 6 more to go.

I have listed myself as divorced on my online profiles versus separated as there is zero chance of reconciliation, although I remain legally married.  We have a separation agreement, so our assets are settled and all that is left is a court date in 6 months to tell the judge we’re done.

My problem is that being 20-something and divorced carries a stigma.  I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage.  I told her to cancel the ticket and move out or she could fly out to see the guy with the expectation of me not being here when she got back, so she moved out and cancelled the ticket last minute, keeping her options open.  A month later, she asked for a divorce, rebooked her plane ticket, and ended up moving in with the guy several states away just a few weeks later.  I found her journal on the computer when I was sorting through backup files and figuring out what files I needed to get back to her and found out before we got married she cheated on ex-boyfriends, tried to break up engaged couples, and basically fell in love with every man she ever met and manipulated them for her personal gain.  It turned out everything was an elaborate front and the woman I married never existed.

The bottom line is I was a victim in my marriage/divorce.  Before I found out she wasn’t the person she claimed to be, I told my ex-wife I’d quit my job, quit grad school, go to counseling, and do whatever else it took to save our marriage, but it was all for nothing if she wasn’t willing to put forth the effort since I couldn’t save our marriage on my own.  She told me not to do any of the above and gave up on me, which in hindsight was a good thing after finding her journal.

I live in the Bible Belt/South and the type of women I want to attract are those with strong values as my ex-wife turned out to not have any values at all.  This typically means a woman who is religious or politically conservative (of which my ex-wife was neither), which I have no problem with, but I carry the divorced stigma and get judged negatively despite the fact I was willing to give up everything to make my marriage work.  My parents are divorced and a “family history of divorce” seems to also be a red flag with  women also.

Beyond the divorce stigma, I’m a catch: I’m good looking, work out regularly, earn six figures, own a house, finish grad school in May, and I’m obviously not afraid of monogamy or commitment.  I realize that everyone my age has baggage and the key difference is how people have managed their baggage.  The only thing scarier than a man with a past is a man with no past. I don’t want to tick the box as never married and be deceptive and I don’t think it is appropriate to go into divorce details on a dating profile, but it sure would be nice if the women who weren’t emailing me back because I ticked the divorce box knew the reasons behind it without sounding like a vindictive crazy man.  If I would have had a church wedding, I’d have grounds for an annulment and would have never been married in the eyes of a church and could claim never married with an asterisk. What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

 

Here’s my question:

Do you want to date or do you want to bitch? Because it sounds like you just want to bitch. I’m not sure you should be dating at all at this juncture because you’re clearly not any where near past what your ex-wife did. This wasn’t really a letter seeking advice. You just wanted to vent. Which, I’ll tell you now, is unattractive. It’s unattractive in women and it’s unattractive in men. I understand that what she did was selfish, thoughtless and hurtful. I do and I’m sorry. But this woman didn’t become a shrew overnight. Nor did she hide it, as so many people like to say happens when they wake up one day and realize they dated an asshole. These people aren’t the cunning and calculated sociopaths we like to tell people they are. We refer to them as such because that’s a much easier pill to swallow than admit we were just blind or needy or lonely or desperate. And because it removes all responsibility from us for why we chose them.  She always was who she was. You just chose to ignore it.

Sweetheart, you’re wife picked you for a reason. Yep. She carried on affairs and manipulated you behind your back. Do you know why? Because she knew you’d either never catch on or you’d ignore it and let her do what she wanted because you feared losing her.

I was married 5 years and my wife ended up buying a plane ticket to see another man and asked me for an open marriage. 

Do you understand that by doing this she was telling you she couldn’t have cared less how you felt? No matter what you said, she was going to do what she wanted to do. I guess what I’m wondering is how you fell for this girl in the first place.  You need to figure out why you married this woman or else you’re doomed to repeat this mistake.

As for the rest of your letter, TL/DR. I mean, I read it. You’re so stuck in victim mode that it was struggle to get through it. I’m guessing that this is just who you are: a professional victim. You’re whining about stigmas and your selfish ex-wife and society. People who adopt a victim mentality tend to get victimized. That’s how it works.

What’s a guy to do to improve his odds without being a big fat liar liar pants on fire?

Well, the first thing they do is to swear never to say “liar liar pants on fire” again.  This isn’t about online dating and being divorced with an asterisk. What can you do? You can stop feeling sorry for yourself, take responsibility for choosing poorly, find out why you were attracted to your ex-wife and fix the problem. There you go. Boom goes the dynamite.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Break Ups, Cheating, Closure, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating After Divorce, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?

November 20, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: M
Age: 28
State: TX
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances??  Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!

I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.

Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else.  It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.

These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.

Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.

How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.

But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.

Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.

You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.

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Filed Under: Beware, Cheating, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Douchey Guys, Girlfriends & Sabotage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Taking Revenge On An Ex Is a Waste

February 27, 2012 by 20 Comments

I was reading this post yesterday and had a case of deja vu.

Listen. Many of us have been there. We’ve been involved with someone that we knew in our gut were being disingenuous. But we stuck it out, hoping against hope we were wrong. We weren’t. We discussed this briefly in last weeks post about emotional grifters.  The shame we feel for being suckered almost overpowers us at times.

Anyhoo, the whole revenge angle – while extremely tempting – is a huge waste of energy. You know why?

Because they don’t care.

I was watching a TV special on MSNBC this weekend about online dating. One of the singles they interviewed was a woman who said she met a guy online and he told her that they were in a relationship. Eventually she learned he was dating multiple people. Instead of just walking away she and the other women all got together and confronted him. Now, I’m not sure how these ladies all found each other. That part was conveniently left out of the story. But they did. Instead of all of them agreeing to just tell this guy to go to beat it, they thought it more productive to stage some kind of Player Intervention. The purpose? I have no idea. No doubt each one of them was having their own sideline conversation with the guy and had deluded themselves that he would dump the rest and be with her.

Allow me to enlighten you on something. These types of people NEVER CHANGE. Ever. In fact, having women go to such extreme lengths to call them on the carpet does nothing but feed their egos. It also provides them with the opportunity to craft up a drama that they can use to generate attention and sympathy from whatever single minded girl they eventually go on to date. Now they are the Leading Man in their own scripted soap opera. Being able to say that a woman dug through his Facebook page and contacted the other women they dated is a badge of honor for these guys. They get to do things like lock up their Twitter pages and hide their Facebook profiles. All things that people will notice and question. It will serve no purpose other than to add to his perceived “mystique.” It’s Le Cray. People eventually wise up to someone like this. But that doesn’t matter to them. They just find a new circle. These people will always find someone inexperienced or immature or insecure enough to buy in to their story. There’s a sucker born every minute, as they say.

I left a comment on the post I linked above. It is still awaiting approval. It said:

for her sake and for the sake of any woman that came after her.

How altruistic. Complete crap but altruistic. Why would *any* woman stick around for this sort of behavior for any other reason other than she didn’t want to lose him?

This is unnecessary melodrama. The signs were there all along (her wore a ring???) , and she ignored them. Only when they were confirmed did she decide to “act.” And that was probably motivated more by her desire to scare these other women off the guy’s trail so she could have him to herself. Or so he couldn’t have anybody if he didn’t just have her. It’s not something to be proud of.

When women say things in their profiles like they value honesty or don’t want any games/drama it sends a clear signal to the players that she has fallen for this sort of shadiness in the past and likely will again. Then there’s the whole “I had a crush on you in HS” story. Then he “insists” they are in a relationship after, what, three or four dates? And don’t forget the ring. And the canceling. And the texts. And possibly the fact that he never actually said to her or promised that she was the only woman he was dating. You made no mention of *exactly* what he pledged.

Come on. Women should just walk away from these assholes. He’s not panicking in the slightest. He already has a new mark or two. All this drama is feeding his ego. And all the women he “burned” have is their collective misery and bitterness. What a waste of energy.

Like I said. I get it. I’ve had those feelings myself. You hate the idea that someone like this got away with it and went on to be happy. Sure, all your girlfriends say things like, “But what does he have?” or “I feel sorry for his girlfriend.” Meanwhile, he’s quite happy and having no trouble at all moving on. He might let you think he’s terrified in hopes it will appeal to your ego. I mean, he was able to work that before, right? But he’s not afraid. He’s not alone. He’s not hiding. Not really, any way. He’s using all this hub bub to build up his image and mystique.

The reason why we get stuck in that place is because we resent the fact that they got away scott free while we’re miserable. Here’s another one of those realities we like to talk about here.

Sometimes? Bad people get everything they want. Life isn’t fair.  Some people just suck. Your time would be better spent figuring out why he saw you as a mark. Not sitting around with other women burnt by the asshat who dumped you scheming and plotting and bitching.

I don’t find stories like this empowering. They make the women involved look pathetic. Other women might high five the woman who “turned the tables” on this guy. But that’s only because they, too, were duped. It’s their way of getting vicarious vindication without having to make a fool of themselves.  They’re more than happy to let another woman roll around in the mud for them.

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Filed Under: Closure, Dating, Dating a Manipulator, Douchey Guys, Latests Posts, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , ,

How Does He Fight The Urge to Cheat?

November 4, 2011 by 36 Comments

Name: Zean
State: NY
Age: 32
Comment: Hello Moxie,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years.  I am going to ask her to marry me this year and I’d like to start a family with her. However, I can’t stop looking at other women and I often wonder what it would be like to have sex with another women. I’ve had chances on business trips but I have not acted on them.  The last one (and fifth chance since I’ve been with her) was on a business trip last week and I flirted a little and so did she. But, I realized what I was doing, got freaked and left the situation.

I know looking and lusting for others is natural and this isn’t the first relationship I’ve been in but she’s the one. I don’t want to flirt with other women and I don’t want to come any closer to another woman.  And this women was also attractive so it’s not a case of not wanting to sleep with her anyway. My problem is that I think of other women and I want to stop thinking of other women.  Thinking of other women eventually seems to lead to cheating. I don’t want to date anyone else and I enjoy spending time with my girlfriend. She’s one of my best friends. I talk about almost everything with her but certainly not this issue. I want to come home to her, watch movies with her, walk around with her, eat dinner and cook with her and I want to have sex with her too. I’m attracted to her and yes, the sex life has ups and downs but I’m still generally satisfied. I have no doubts about marrying her.

I don’t like seeing a woman and thinking about what it would be like to have sex with that person because it seems to lead to acting on it.   I have three good friends and two are married (and one has children).  Both of the married ones have cheated on their wives and say it’s “natural” to look and want to have other women.  They both told me it helps their marriage because they don’t have to leave the marriage and that they love their wives. I don’t buy that rationalization and it’ll bite them back later. My other friend is in a 2 year relationship and has cheated on his girlfriend a few times yet claims he loves her.  I can’t beleive how many of my other acquantences have also cheated and think nothing of it. I have never cheated on any girlfriend and I don’t want to.

I told them that I don’t understand it and I’m afraid of cheating.  They’re somewhat understanding of my feeling but they say (paraphrasing), ‘You’ll see. We’re not built like women. There are too many women to stay with one sexually but if you find a good one, then marry her.’  Neither of the women are aware and none would be too happy knowing this. Of course, I have to deal with some jokes about how I’m really a “woman.” I don’t want to end up like my friends, who, as I’ve warned them, are headed towards divorce.

So, I guess my questions are:
1) Does it ever go away? Does the urge get stronger the longer that you’re in a relationship?  This is the longest relationship I’ve been in (and I’m 32).  I’ve had two relationships that lasted about a little less than a year each (with some various dating for a month or 6 months and in between.) I’ve always looked at other women but I figured it was natural. I thought that it would stop when I met the girl I want to marry. But, it hasn’t.  I don’t want to have a child with her and then cheat on her.

2) Do women feel like this? I can’t ask my female friends because they’ll just think I’m a jerk for even thinking of anyone other than my girlfriend.  I assume women still look but do they think, “I’d like to have sex with that guy,” when they’re happily in a relationship? Once a woman is in a relationship, why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?
I wish there was a pill you could take that would only make you attracted to the person you love. Then all this would be easier.
Thanks for reading this.

 

why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?

The key word here is “seem.” This is how you perceive the situation, probably because you don’t hear of or see and stories about women sending pics of their boobs or vaginas to 18 year old college studs or tales of nailing their assistants or nannies in some oval office. It’s been widely documented that men and women cheat equally. So we do experience the some of same primal urges and inner conflict. I think a big reason why fewer women are outed for their indiscretions is because the guys we’re having sex with are just in it for the sex. They don’t really care if we never leave our boyfriends or husbands. Therefore, there is no need to seek revenge or any form of retribution. That, I think, is a primarily female thing to do, again playing in to the competitive nature that many women possess. That’s why, in almost every cheesy movie about adultery, there’s usually a showdown between the wife/girlfriend and the mistress. That’s what it (bunny) boils down to in most cases. A misguided competition. The mistress completely overlooks the fact that this guy she’s fighting over is cheating on his significant other, thereby making him an ass.  So what does that make her? It makes her a crazy bitch fighting to “keep” or “have” a douchebag. Pointless. Smart women who engage these types of unavailable men do it for the sex only. They recognize the man’s critical flaws. They don’t want them in any other capacity.  Unfortunately many women resort to confronting or contacting the GF/Wife “to warn her.”  Usually it’s just an attempt to knock the other woman out of contention or a way to cause the man pain because she’s in pain. Many say that they’re trying to help or looking out for the other woman, but they’re not. (Some are genuine with this, but I think they are exceptions to the rule and not the rule.) Trust me, ladies. If a guy truly is the lying or cheating douchebag you believe him to be (and he often is), that woman will figure it out soon enough. If she doesn’t, then that’s only because she doesn’t want to. In which case there is no saving her.

I can’t believe how many of my other acquantences have also cheated and think nothing of it. I have never cheated on any girlfriend and I don’t want to.

Is it that you don’t want to cheat, or is it that you’re afraid to? Because, to me, it doesn’t sounds like you resent your friends for cheating. It sounds like you resent their ability to do it and not feel guilty. Which, to me, says you do want to have sex with these women, but your fear of the overwhelming guilt is what is preventing you from doing so. Not some altruistic belief or because you strongly feel cheating is wrong.You’re quite busy shaming your male counterparts in this letter, and all that ever says to me is that the person doing the shaming is the one feeling the shame.

I wish there was a pill you could take that would only make you attracted to the person you love. Then all this would be easier.

Forgive the analogy, but it’s like a pedophile taking all kinds of medications to quell their sexual urges. It might prevent them from molesting a child, but it doesn’t not make them a pedophile.  The threat is still and will always be present, whether it’s acted upon or not. As long as those feelings are there and are as strong as they appear to be for you, you’ve got a problem, and getting married isn’t going to make it go away.

Thinking of other women eventually seems to lead to cheating.

I’m not sure I agree with this. I think the more accurate explanation is that thinking of cheating leads to cheating.  You’re not just consumed with the idea of having sex with these other women. You’re fixated on the cheating part.  That’s what is concerning to me. You’re focused on the part that involves acting upon those urges.  Not just the urges themselves.

The desire is always going to be there. It doesn’t go away. That it seems, based on the urgency in your letter, to be causing such an internal crisis within you makes me think that you’re not ready to be married. At least not until you’re at a point where you can stop beating yourself up for having what I happen to believe are natural feelings.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve had many partners or much relationship experience in general. That, too, I think is playing  a part in all of this. I think maybe the desire and concern about cheating is, if I may play arm chair psychologist, is a manifestation of a completely different but certainly connected concern or fear. Like maybe you fear you haven’t experienced all that you think you should have.

This feels like a “I’m going to propose because I think I should” situation more than a “this is The One I’ve been waiting for and I’d be a fool to let her go” one.

My advice? Hmm…I might get flamed for this…but I think you need to step back from the relationship. For two reasons. One, because I think you need time to really figure out if you’re ready to be married without outside influences. And two…to get some of the poison out of your system, so to speak. Basically I’m saying that you need to have sex with other women, Zean, before you decide to forsake all others.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Date Like a Man, Dating, Gender Roles, Manly Man, Marriage, Monogamy, Polyamory, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

She Snooped….Now What?

July 31, 2011 by 13 Comments

Name: birdie | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Here is the back story:
I traveled around Europe after getting laid off and met up with a childhood friend who was nothing more than that: a friend. He was going through a divorce so things were tough emotionally for him. We slept together during my trip then I went back home to reality. He continuously emailed me saying he cared about me and couldn’t believe how hard it was to see me go and then tells me he loves me 2 weeks later. Long story short, I moved to be with him and snooped more out of curiosity than suspicion. I sought and found he was talking to 2 other people with the same intensity … all that was different was the name to whom it was written. Several months later (not knowing that info at the time), I’m here and things are good and he hasn’t reconnected with the other people as far as I know.

Question is: Can I trust him going forward? He never gave me any reason to doubt his loyalty. He always tells me he loves me and that I’m his life and he wants to marry and have kids with me someday.  I never admitted to snooping but when I test him with questions I know the answer to, he lies to me. Is he doing that purely to protect me and for fear of losing me? He makes me feel like I’m the one who’s crazy sometimes when he’s the one who did wrong. |Age: 29

 

I’m not sure you really have a reason not to trust him. Sure, it would be nice if the words he said to you were to you and only you and that you were the only one on the roster but…how realistic is that? He was engaging multiple women at once. We’re you even exclusive at the time he was sending these emails? If you were, then I understand your concern. But if you weren’t, then the only thing he’s guilty of is keeping his options open. Don’t we all do that from time to time?

You can’t set someone up and then be surprised when they lie. Depending on the question, what did you think he would say? Did you think he would break down and tell you that he was hedging his bets all along? Who would admit to that?

You want him to be honest, yet you’re not being honest about what you did. Don’t you think that’s being a little hypocritical? Why aren’t you being honest? Because you’d lose him. Isn’t it possible that that’s the very reason why he’s not being honest? Isn’t that a possible sign of how much he cares versus he’s untrustworthy?

I’ll admit that there are definitely some red flags here. I’m getting a distinct “I can’t be alone” vibe from him. I don’t know why. I just do. I’m not crazy about situations where one party is expressing deep or intense sentiments early on in the relationship. To me, that feels inauthentic. Could this be a situation where he put the hook out and just reeled in whatever fish to the bait? Absolutely. But…how is that different than most other dating situations? What I mean by that is that someone dating multiple people, with no explicit exclusivity decided, whispering sweet nothings to them isn’t exactly rare or a crime.

I think what really has you concerned is whether or not this man actually wanted to be with you or if he’s just wants a girlfriend. So I think that’s what you have to determine, and the only way to do that is to talk to him.

How can you trust him? I can’t believe I’m going to suggest this, because normally I wouldn’t. But I think the only way you will know where you stand is if you tell this man what you did. You are not going to be able to put this behind you. You’re always going to want to know what those emails and his exchanges with those women were about and if they meant anything to him.

But before you do this:

Something drove you to snoop. What was it? You say it was more out of curiosity than suspicion.  I think curiosity is just the gateway to suspicion. From what you say, there seems to have been a pre-existing level of unsuredness and insecurity surrounding this relationship and this man. We’ve talked before about treating the cause versus just treating the symptom. Determining why you snooped in the first place will bring you closer to treating the cause of your suspicion. If you don’t, then there will just be something else that pops up that will make you insecure. Hopefully you can figure out what the trigger was and can deal with that and you’ll never have to tell this man what you did. But if you can’t do that, then I think you’re only recourse is to tell this man what you did. It could severely set your relationship back, of course. But if he loves you the way he says he does, he’ll get past it.

The shoe will be on the other foot, though. You’re sitting there worried about whether or not you can trust him…and you’re the one who violated his trust and privacy by snooping. So ask yourself if what he may or may not have done any worse than what you did. Maybe you can decide to wipe the slate clean for both of you and simply start fresh without ever having to bring this up.

 

Let’s do  poll…

 

Could You Forgive Someone Who Snooped?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Trust, Latests Posts, Snooping Tagged With: , , , ,

Any Port In a Storm – The Argument for Sleeping With Married People

December 8, 2010 by 42 Comments
Im going to throw this topic at you …multiple part question….and see how you tackle it.  :)
BEING SINGLE ..and SLEEPING WITH MARRIED PEOPLE.

Setting aside religious beliefs, Is it right ?  Is it wrong ?  Do you believe in the whole karma aspect ?
If you’re SINGLE and consort with and sleep with married people, is it preventing you from having a REAL relationship of your own ??  (Keep in mind, I am FINE with being single and happy.  I’m 38 and would LIKE to be in a relationship with the RIGHT person, but until THAT person comes along, I will keep doing what I’m doing  :)    )

Here is My theory:
My whole outlook about married women is: If I WANT to enjoy fucking so n so …and she is making herself available to Me …WHY not? Whether it’s only once ..or once a month, just like a good dinner or fine wine,  I like to indulge. :) :)

I can’t sit there and worry about HER marriage and why she feels the need to stray etc. Im DEF NOT the type to break up a marriage and DEF never have ..in fact, I feel my sleeping with these women HELPS their marriage.  Why?  Because they are obviously lacking SOMETHING in their relationship (not necessarily the sex)  So, if I provide whatever that may be and they are more content as a WHOLE.  They now go home and are happier people.  Miserable people tend to bail and break up.  Content people tend to hang in there.

Women make LOTS of mistakes lol ..BUT when a woman KNOWS what she wants ..she knowsss what she wants. She may not be able to UNdo (or may not WANT to UNdo the mistake of picking the wrong guy to marry..due to kids, finances, etc.) BUT she CAN choose who to fuck that makes her feel how she WANTS to feel. Enter: Me. lol  (..and I dont necessarily mean make her feel JUST physically …because when it comes to me ..its more of a connection that has nothing to do WITH sex …but eventually leads TO sex :) :) )

I look forward to hearing your thoughts, Moxie !  :)
~H

Okay, Andrew Dice Lay. I’ll take this challenge. :)

My whole outlook about married women is: If I WANT to enjoy fucking so n so …and she is making herself available to Me …WHY not?

This might not be popular, but I agree that you are not responsible for someone else’s marriage. You’re not the one who took the vows, they are. Do I believe in karma? Yep. I sure do. Listen, we can excuse it all we like. But we know that we are partaking in something that, if discovered, could destroy a relationship and someone’s ability to ever fully trust again. So while you’re not responsible for her marriage, you are responsible for your participation and the potential fall out from that. We tell ourselves whatever we need to, because usually we’re doing it for our own selfish reasons.

I feel my sleeping with these women HELPS their marriage.  Why?  Because they are obviously lacking SOMETHING in their relationship (not necessarily the sex)

I disagree with this. I think there are plenty of people – men and women – out there who cheat on their spouses for no other reason than they can and they want to have sex with someone else. I believe that many people are capable of compartmentalizing various aspects of their relationships and their lives. Meaning, they can engage in a sexual relationship with someone who isn’t their spouse and not feel guilty about it and, in some cases, actually feel entitled to it. They do it strictly because they want to. Their spouse could be servicing them nightly. They could have the strongest of emotional bonds. There doesn’t have to be a lack of  anything to compel some people to cheat. Well, that’s not true. What their primary relationship lacks is variety. Funny thing, that marriage. Traditionally it doesn’t allow you to screw other people.
I do agree that in some cases infidelity is a sign of trouble. There’s a disconnect somewhere. There have been studies saying that taking a lover can actually help your relationship. Personally, I think it’s because the guilt from cheating actually makes people remember why they fell in love with that person in the first place. They become so afraid of losing that person that they do what they can to rectify the situation – be more attentive or communicative, etc.  I feel that a lot of people who cheat want to get caught just so they’re partner will finally acknowledge and discuss the problems in their relationship.
Miserable people tend to bail and break up.  Content people tend to hang in there.
Wow. I totally disagree. When it’s between their own personal misery and the potential misery of their children or possible financial ruin, you’d be surprised how many people stick it out or try to fix their marriage.  You have a really limited view and understanding of marriage. Miserable couple stay together all the time. They just find work arounds to help them get through it.

If you’re SINGLE and consort with and sleep with married people, is it preventing you from having a REAL relationship of your own ??  (Keep in mind, I am FINE with being single and happy.  I’m 38 and would LIKE to be in a relationship with the RIGHT person, but until THAT person comes along, I will keep doing what I’m doing  :)    )

I think it depends on why you’re engaging in that particular relationship. If you’re in it strictly for the sex, then I don’t think it will prevent you from meeting someone else. That is, unless the sex is so good that all other sex pales in comparison.  If you’re getting something out of these relationships other than physical gratification, then yes, I think engaging in such arrangements will get in the way. These arrangements are placebos of sorts. They keep us going and convince of things that aren’t necessarily real or true. But we engage in these no strings situations anyway, knowing they might hurt us or keep us further from our goal. We get lonely, we’re lacking the stimulation and attention that having a partner provides. I’m certainly not justifying those instances where we get involved with someone who is taken. But loneliness is a powerful motivator sometimes. It can encourage someone to do just about anything if they don’t have the proper coping skills in place at that moment.

Women make LOTS of mistakes lol ..BUT when a woman KNOWS what she wants ..she knowsss what she wants. She may not be able to UNdo (or may not WANT to UNdo the mistake of picking the wrong guy to marry..due to kids, finances, etc.) BUT she CAN choose who to fuck that makes her feel how she WANTS to feel. Enter: Me. lol (..and I dont necessarily mean make her feel JUST physically …because when it comes to me ..its more of a connection that has nothing to do WITH sex …but eventually leads TO sex :) :) )

Just from reading your letter, there seems to be something about being The Go To Guy for these women that works for you. You like the idea of being their stud. So much so that you believe what they tell you.

Here’s the thing about people who cheat:

They lie.

They will say whatever it is they think will keep their side dish providing whatever it is that they want. Sure, maybe you’re giving it to them in ways their husbands don’t. Maybe you’re more well endowed. Whatever. They’re appealing to your ego because they feel like they have to. They know that’s why you’re doing it. It’s not just about the sex for you, I don’t think. It’s about the attention, how these women make you feel.

I think you want to believe whatever it is that makes you feel special to these women. You tell yourself, or maybe believe them when they say, that there’s something broken about their marriage. That way you can feel like a Savior of sorts. It could very well be that these women are married to men who are never around, who don’t pay them attention, etc. What you’re not getting is that they’re reaching out to you because they’re hurt. Or bored. Or horny. You’re just a port in a storm. Not so romantic or sexy when you realize it could be any warm body they’re lying next to, is it?

So this connection you say you form with them? It’s likely all in your head. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their relationship with their husband.  You’re filler. They’re actions are reactions to how their husbands make them feel and not so much how you make them feel. To put it bluntly, you ain’t that special. In some cases, they don’t even realize that. Anything to keep them from feeling what they’re feeling or not feeling.

Don’t kid yourself in to think you’re providing something their husband isn’t. That might be the case sometimes, but not always.

That just might be how you justify doing it in the first place.

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Under One Roof

December 6, 2010 by 26 Comments

This was mentioned in a recent post and Ifeel like it got overshadowed by the bigger topic.

I keep hearing stories about people who dated for 3, 6, 9 months and then decided to live together. Which, to me, seems fast. But then everything has been sped up, hasn’t it? The courting process, the dating process, engagements. We’re not waiting around anymore. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. It used to be that people moved in together because they believed the relationship would be permanent. It seems like now people move in together because it’s convenient. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t. Is this a sign we’re less commitment phobic than we were or just more lackadaisical? Or is it the economy. :)

For me, living together is a step towards long term commitment. But it seems like many people nowadays live together out of some sort of convenience. A few months ago we discussed the phenomenon of how couples in the middle of a divorce who live with their exes under the same roof.

Are more people living together simply for financial reasons? Because they both live bust lives and living together allows them to spend more time together? or as a trial run for something more long term?

What are you reasons for living with someone?

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