Name: hoplessrmantic |  Location: Toronto , ON |Question: What is my biggest dating frustration?

How about not having any luck getting any dates!

I’ve been reading some dating blogs stories both from the authors and from other visitors comments. One thing that always amazes me are the number of dates these people appear to go on in a week. With my track record I’ll be lucky to have two dates in a year let alone four or five dates in a week!

I’m a down to earth easy going guy. I have my passions in life as well as my annoyances just like everyone else. I’ve also been on dating sites for years without much luck in the relationship department.

I have emailed so many women on OKC it boggles my mind why I’m not getting responses. It tells me that I must be doing something seriously wrong but I’m not sure what that could be and neither do any of my close friends (they’ve all gone through my profile and emails sent).

Don’t get me wrong and think I’m the sappy, lonely, needy guy. I really am happy on my own. It’s taken me a while to get here and it took a lot of looking at myself, asking those tough questions.

From all those tough questions the most important thing I did learn is that I have a lot going for me, I’m having fun in my life and that I would like to share life’s experiences with someone.

OK enough of me babbling. If you want to see more of me and get a better feel of who I am, check out my profile on OKC.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hoplessrmantic

Thanks for your time. |Age: 38

If these bloggers aren’t lying, they’re dating to blog. So they’re simply going out with anyone within reason just so they can have blog fodder.  Their blog consists of a series of one off dates, some “hilarity” or drama that ensues and then a breakdown of why the blogger will never see the person again or feels their date wasn’t relationship material or how the man/woman they went out with was a jackbag. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That’s our way of regaining control over what appears to be an uncontrollable situation. Of course, we have all the control we need to make the necessary changes. We just don’t want to.  The goal of many bloggers is to entertain and get comments and get liked and stumbled and retweeted. Or to over-analyze minutiae and fixate because obsessing over someone that doesn’t care is better than having no one to obsess over at all. (*raises hand!*) Rarely is the goal to actually have a relationship.  We dwell on the past and press on the bruises because it’s the only time we actually feel anything and so people will tell us how “brave” we are by being so “real and honest.”  Yet there’s rarely ever any…change. Our blogs are our excuses, our shield. I’ve done it all of this. Hence why I’m 42 and single. Comparing your insides to a blogger’s outsides is not a wise move. In the words of Nietzsche -Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Now, as to your profile.

I liked your profile. I thought it had personality and was very positive. Maybe a little over-programmed, though. I’d remove the references to the self-help books. Personally, I find the profiles that are chock full of wisdom and sage advice a little odd and woo woo. (Woo woo means hippie/trippy/a little too “out there.”) I’d also take out the references to how you don’t feel your age. You are what you are. Nothing is going to turn back time. Don’t justify you’re age. You don’t have to. Nobody does.

You come across healthy and emotionally available. And a good portion of the online daters out there..are not. So they’ll read your profile and they’ll find something innocuous about it that renders them unable to date you. But really, and most aren’t even aware of it, they’re intimidated. You’re there. You’re ready. You’re open. They’re not. They don’t want someone who knows what they want and who brings stuff to the table, because they fear they don’t. Online dating provides them with the ability to feign emotional availability. It’s a cover. They go on date after date and tell people that they’re really trying and really open and totally willing to have a relationship. But they’re not. They’re time wasters.  How do you spot them? Well,:

• They’ll probably have a disclaimer or two in their profile. They’ll let you know that they’re looking for X and X only.
• They’ll seem ambivalent. They’re trying to sound flexible but really they’re just widening their net and not being too specific because they really don’t know what they want.
• They’ll make some passive aggressive remark about how different they are, usually comparing themselves to the opposite sex and implying they’re somehow better.  Chip on their shoulder alert!
• It takes them longer than usual to respond to you and communications lag.
• They don’t really talk to you. They just talk at you. Pimping yourself in a profile is not a bad thing. But someone who is genuinely open to meeting someone is more likely to address the person reading it

Be careful of falling in to the “oversharing” category. I like the Two of Us section on OKCupid, where people fill out various questions that give people an idea of their political,lifestyle and sexual leanings. However, it’s very easy to get caught up in all of that and end up sharing too much, too soon. You want to answer the right questions, the ones that will help you sell yourself to your particular audience. If you’re just looking for sex, then by all means answer the sexual questions. But I would avoid answering  too many of the more political or spiritual questions. You might also consider getting rid of the Personality Tests. I don’t know. You don’t want to make it look like you spend too much time on this site or take it too seriously, you know?

Pare down the favorite books/movies/foods section. Honestly, I don’t even read those. You have a brief window of time to engage someone. Don’t lose them over something trivial like your love of sushi or your ideal iPod shuffle.

I agree with the others that you have too many photos of you with other women. I’d crop them out. I’d ditch the one where you have your arm around a woman’s waist all together. (Come on now.) The others are great. You’re outside, you’re with friends or family. You’re showing people you’re not some shut in and have interests other than cruising the internet.  There are no cheesy cell phone or lap tops shots. Maybe get rid of the photo of you posing against the building. That one has a high cheese factor.

The other issue is that you are probably shooting out of your league a bit.  We all tend to get bitten by that bug. While there is an overage of men and women online who are in no way capable of having a real relationship, there are many that are. You just don’t want them, most likely, or aren’t looking in the right places.  If you’re going to use online dating and be successful at it, you have to be more forgiving and not too rigid. Go up a couple years in your age range. Be more willing to contact someone based on their words and not their photos.

I’ll say to you what I said to a woman who wrote in recently. Don’t use online dating to find a relationship. Use it to find a date. Just one date. Base your decision to email someone or respond on whether or not you could see yourself spending an hour or two talking. That’s it. You won’t know if they’re relationship material or know what they’re really looking for until you meet them. Nobody likes to waste their time. I get that. But if you’re really looking for a partner, someone you can spend time with and enjoy, you’re going to have to be willing to “waste” an hour or so here or there.

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WHAT YOU’LL LEARN
*Ways to write your intentions clearly and attract the right people.
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*Techniques to use to stand out and get noticed
*Red flags to look out for so you can avoid frustration and disappointment.
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MALE MYSTIQUE TELELCLASS – MARCH 16TH

Have you dated one of these men:

The Crash & Burner? You know, the guy who pours it on thick on the first couple dates, starts talking in “we” over cocktails on your first date, that emails you hello and goodnight every day and then…disappears?

The Emotional Vampire? He’s the guy that breaks things off with you, but checks back in regularly inquiring if you’re still seeing someone? He tells you how much he cares for you, wishes he could be the person you want him to be..but yet never actually tries to do so?

OTHER TOPICS DISCUSSED

*Common myths women tell themselves and each other to explain why relationships fail

*What red flags men look for when dating someone new

*How to know if a man is available or looking for a relationship
*Decoding common male behavior
*How to have important conversations with men