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Successful Online Dating Requires Some Hard & Fast Rules

March 18, 2012 by 32 Comments

Name: Nancy
State: NY
Age: 38
Comment: While doing online dating, I’m running into the type of man who sends lots of engaging emails, but doesn’t want to meet in real life.  After email 5 or 6 I suggest we continue the conversation over coffee or drinks, but they either dissappear, or arrange a date then cancel or don’t confirm.

I’ve also had a few first dates, where the man has kept in contact after the first date via SMS or email, telling me how much he misses me etc, then arranges a second date but doesn’t confirm.  They usually come sneaking back without apology after six weeks, but by then I’ve already moved on.

Another type of man I’m encountering is the one who wants daily phonecalls and no dates.  Coincidentally, they have all been IT professionals who don’t have a rich social life, but enjoy hearing about mine.

Ignoring the men who send emails like “your hot” “wanna f**k”, I’d say a quarter of the serious emails I’m getting are from men who want to meet after swapping about 3 or 4 mails.  Three quarters are from men who appear to want a virtual girlfriend.

Funnily, when I realise that the emails and phonecalls aren’t going anywhere, I mention to them that I went out on a date with someone, then they disappear.  I know its taboo to mention other dates, but by email number ten to twelve I’ve reached a level of frustration that I no longer care.

Do you think that I’m handing things wrong, or putting them off in some way?  Or am I just too impatient with these men?

I thought that maybe my profile attracts the loner types, as I have a wide range of hobbies and some of them might pique their interests, e.g. science fiction.  I’m currently rewriting my profile to make myself sound more sociable and outgoing, and working on getting photos of myself at social events, so I’m attracting more outdoorsy men. I’m also going to scour my profile to make sure there are no nerdy references.

Can you and your readers suggest what else I may be doing wrong?

 

I’ve also had a few first dates, where the man has kept in contact after the first date via SMS or email, telling me how much he misses me etc, then arranges a second date but doesn’t confirm.  They usually come sneaking back without apology after six weeks, but by then I’ve already moved on.

I think what’s happening with you is that you’re frequently being placed on the back burner while these guys explore other options. They’re keeping their options open by continuing to engage you, but they’re out there dating other people. They don’t want totally cut you off, just in case. As I said in a recent and similar post, they’re playing their odds at your expense. Practically everybody deals with this at one time or another. (See this other new post about how to handle this particular situation.) At any given time we’re all communicating with multiple people. That’s why it’s important to get offline as soon as possible. It’s way too easy to fall between the cracks and get lost.

This is the nature of online dating and you can’t take it personally. But you can learn to spot these guys before you waste too much time.

Once more for the cheap seats……….

If they don’t confirm a date after exchanging 2 or 3 emails, take the initiative and ask them out. If they don’t commit to anything within 24 hours, move on. If he or she wants to speak on the phone once the date is set to make sure you’re not a serial killer or too boring for their oh so engaging personality, give ‘em a call if you’re really that interested. But in general this is a gross waste of time. 3 emails. Set up date. Confirm day of. Meet. No chitty chat in between. Ladies, send the thank you text after the date and say you’d like to do it again. Guys, if you’re interested, take that and run with it and set up another date. Fin. The End. That’s dating today.

Another type of man I’m encountering is the one who wants daily phonecalls and no dates.  Coincidentally, they have all been IT professionals who don’t have a rich social life, but enjoy hearing about mine.

This is another common sub-section of online dater. They’re just looking for someone to pay attention to to them or are too afraid to meet someone off line and “ruin the magic.” They like the idea of seeming perfect.This happens a lot, especially if people are using old photos of themselves and they know they no longer look like those pics. Or they’ve just been blown off so many times that they are afraid to take the risk. Whatever the reason, the most likely outcome if you did meet was that you’d be disappointed.That’s why these people need to be cut off pronto.

I do agree that your science fiction related interests or hobbies is going to draw these men to you. You don’t have to take those references out. What you can state in your profile is that you do not IM or text or email with anyone off site until a date has been set. You should also say that you prefer to exchange no more than 2 or 3 emails before meeting. Most men are thrilled by this and are happy to comply.

I said this last week. These people who need all these steps and all this time to work up the nerve to ask you out or to confirm plans are time wasters. So sorry, folks. They either are very cautious or skeptical or they are using the site for attention/entertainment purposes. Or they are horrifically social awkward and you’ll have to coddle them. You need to stop making excuses for these people. It’s not your job to help them through whatever awkward phase they might be going through, nor are you potentially losing out at The One by being quicker to dismiss bad behavior.

The only thing you’re doing wrong is engaging these guys. You need to take a hard and fast line when it comes to how much time and energy you are willing to devote to them. The longer you stay invested in these dead end situations, the more frustrated you will grow and the more people you could be meeting are meeting someone else. This is why so many people get burnt out and go on “dating detoxes.” (Which, btw, are a total sham. They’re not going on any detox. They just want you to think they are so you will, too. Misery loves company.)

Think of this approach as sort of a Cleanse. You’ll be getting rid of the toxic people more regularly to make room for the healthier ones. Over time, it gets easier and you’ll have a greater sense of control over the process.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Managing Expectations, NEXT!, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do Men Really Care What A Woman Does For A Living?

December 6, 2011 by 19 Comments

Name: Eliza
State: NYC
Age: 40
Comment: Question for the fellas.  Do men really care what type of position a woman holds.  That is, if she is a secretary, that is well spoken, but not in love with her line of work, yet very competent and self-sufficient–will a successful business man or entrepreneur date a secretary?  Or do titles play a role–living in New York City that is?

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating Over 40, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Meeting Men Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Are Men Afraid of Being Single?

November 11, 2011 by 57 Comments

“They’re perfectly okay with being alone. the only men that stick around are men who don’t have many options. Many women tend to cling to each guy fearing that another one might not come along. Most men don’t share that fear”

I have seen this but I want to know WHY this is? Worthy of it’s own article IMO. – Chillybeans

 

It’s just the way we evolved, fulfilling opposite purposes. Men developed, per Natural Selection, to propagate the species (mate a lot), and to ensure a diverse gene pool (to desire a variety of women). 1-to-1 attachments for us tend to be learned, and not nearly as instinctual as they are with women. I will say, however, that we ARE NOT perfectly okay with being alone (generally). We’re just okay with being single. We still want a sex life. We still want women to want us. We don’t feel we need relationships, but we still feel we need women. – Horace

 

I actually think the main difference between men and women in this situation is that there is no sense of urgency directed at or experienced by men. Creating urgency is a well known marketing tactic.

“Limited time offer!”

“Almost sold out!”

“Call now to save an extra $10!”

The merchant is conveying the idea that, should the customer not react right away and make a decision, they will lose out. It’s really just a way for the merchant to tap in to the customer’s fear that they will be missing out should they not act on the offer presented. Sound familiar?

There’s a similar mentality out there when it comes to women and dating. Adding to the urgency is the competition they feel with siblings and friends. Men rarely sit out with their brahs and talk about dating or sex. They simply do their thing and pay little attention to what their guy friends are doing. Few men sit in fear that if a relationship with one woman doesn’t work out it will be hard to find another. I attribute that to the fact that men don’t have any biological timelines imposed on to them. They don’t have any sort of reproductive expiration date. They also don’t sit and worry what other people will think of them should they find themselves a certain age and unattached. They don’t pay attention to all that noise.

Women who want a relationship, on the other hand, do and it’s a shame. They become consumed and ruled by their fear that they will be left behind.  If there’s anything that drives women to settle and indulge the wrong guys, it’s peer pressure. The other problem is that they take everything more personally than they should. Many women tend to internalize  and personalize things when it comes to how men treat them. More often than not, women assume that how a man reacts to them is a reflection of what the man things or feels about them, rather than assume this is just the man’s typical behavior. Men are more likely to let something roll off their backs. They don’t really dwell or analyze. They simply move forward. Women stay in the same place, afraid that they made a mistake. That’s why it takes them longer to make progress.

I’ll say this. I think, after a certain amount of struggles and disappointments, some women become so paranoid and fearful that they can’t get out of their own way. But I also truly believe that that paranoia comes from knowing, on some level, that they are behaving in a way that isn’t productive or authentic. Basically, it’s guilt and shame that drives them.

Something else men don’t do? Buy in to frivolous and romanticized ideas about what constitutes a “lady” or a “gentleman.” I think men define a “lady” based upon intangible qualities like a sense of nurturing and vulnerability. Women use tangible characteristics, like whether or not he pays a bill or holds a door, to define “a gentleman.” If the man does not so such things, he’s not a gentleman and therefore he’s not good enough. What I’m suggesting is that many women base what or what is not “gentleman-like” not on etiquette but on how the man makes her feel about herself. Again, internalizing things.

Also intriguing is how some women ascribe the word “gentleman” to a man who doesn’t show any interest in physicality in the early dating stages.If he doesn’t try to kiss her, he’s a gentleman. Is that accurate? Or is it that the woman doesn’t care much for sex  or sees it as a means to an end and therefore is drawn to what she believes is a lack of interest in sex on the man’s part?

Somewhere along the way, many women began to be offended at the idea that a man might want to have sex with them. Why? What about that makes a woman feel so dirty?

In my mind, the main difference between how men and woman approach dating is that men aren’t ruled by their fears.

 

Thoughts?

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Realities, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , ,