question….what are your thoughts on a guy who is into a girl immediately and ‘commits’ to an exclusive relationship within 2-3 weeks of meeting however, wants to wait until it feels right to have intercourse.
He loves giving oral to his GF even though she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much due to some past issues/concerns she has….he’s pretty tolerant and respectful of that……she totally loves receiving oral from him and expresses her extreme satisfaction….. what would you think about a girl that gets frustrated by the guy not having intercourse yet and also what would you think about this girl who then won’t even allow fooling around to go beyond kissing because she feels ‘tortured’ by receiving oral and some other play but isn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because he’s not ready yet…..- A., Male,38, NYC
Since I know you and since we’ve had a conversation about this specific issue before, I want to include something that you left out of the story. Your hesitation surrounding having sex too soon is mostly rooted in your fear of getting a woman pregnant. You’ve told me this. When you first told me about this hesitation I have to be honest and say that I thought it sounded like an irrational phobia. I strongly urge you to talk about this with a professional. If you’re being responsible and safe and you educate yourself on ovulation and conception, then you don’t really have anything to worry about.
If she’s getting off, then I don’t understand her frustration. She committed to you without the sex. Unless you promised her that you two would fully consummate the relationship once you and she were exclusive, I don’t understand why she’s so bothered. That is, unless this relationship has been going on for several months without intercourse. That’s a problem. I also don’t understand how you can be so blase about the fact that she refuses to give you head citing “past issues.” The bottom line is that either she doesn’t like giving head and doesn’t feel a need to return the favor despite all the effort you make to please her OR she’s withholding oral until you give her intercourse. Either possibility is a bad sign.There should never be any withholding of affection in a relationship. If she cared for you, she’d at least try. I’m just not sure how connected you and she could be when your relationship lacks such a fundamental form and expression of intimacy. Right now, it sounds like sex is just a tool for you two to climax and that’s it. That’s childish.
Another red flag is that you’ve committed to her 1) after 3 weeks of dating 2) without having sex with her. As I’ve said before, men who typically jump head first into relationship usually do so because they have a critical flaw that they wish to hide. They want to lock the woman in and dazzle her with their willingness to commit, knowing that’s what most women want.
I think both you and she need to be honest with yourselves and each other that sex is not much of a priority. Therefore, all this fretting and wondering is a waste of time. I don’t buy that she’s frustrated at the lack of sex. I think that works for her, actually. If she were so sexual that a lack of intercourse bothered her, it stands to reason that she would engage in whatever she could to fill that void while she waited for you to be ready. She might believe that she’s frustrated at the lack of intercourse, but I’m guessing she’s quite relieved. She doesn’t have to go down on you and doesn’t have to have intercourse. She got you to commit without having to have sex. Sweetheart, you’re the typical Manhattan single woman’s wet dream.
Maybe you don’t like having sex with condoms and that’s why you hold off. I don’t know. What I do know is that without sex, you two are engaging in a high school version of a relationship. People who like and enjoy sex have it. You two aren’t having it. You both agreed to be exclusive without knowing if you sexually satisfy each other. This is the typical outcome of situations like that.
There are some alarming physical, interpersonal and emotional disconnects going on here. That does not bode well if you hope to have a mature and healthy adult relationship.