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Why Does He Want To Wait To Have Sex?

January 9, 2013 by 40 Comments

question….what are your thoughts on a guy who is into a girl immediately and ‘commits’ to an exclusive relationship within 2-3 weeks of meeting however, wants to wait until it feels right to have intercourse.

He loves giving oral to his GF even though she doesn’t reciprocate nearly as much due to some past issues/concerns she has….he’s pretty tolerant and respectful of that……she totally loves receiving oral from him and expresses her extreme satisfaction…..   what would you think about a girl that gets frustrated by the guy not having intercourse yet and also what would you think about this girl who then won’t even allow fooling around to go beyond kissing because she feels ‘tortured’ by receiving oral and some other play but isn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because he’s not ready yet…..- A., Male,38, NYC

 

Since I know you and since we’ve had a conversation about this specific issue before, I want to include something that you left out of the story. Your hesitation surrounding having sex too soon is mostly rooted in your fear of getting a woman pregnant. You’ve told me this. When you first told me about this hesitation I have to be honest and say that I thought it sounded like an irrational phobia. I strongly urge you to talk about this with a professional. If you’re being responsible and safe and you educate yourself on ovulation and conception, then you don’t really have anything to worry about.

If she’s getting off, then I don’t understand her frustration. She committed to you without the sex. Unless you promised her that you two would fully consummate the relationship once you and she were exclusive, I don’t understand why she’s so bothered. That is, unless this relationship has been going on for several months without intercourse. That’s a problem.  I also don’t understand how you can be so blase about the fact that she refuses to give you head citing “past issues.” The bottom line is that either she doesn’t like giving head and doesn’t feel a need to return the favor despite all the effort you make to please her OR she’s withholding oral until you give her intercourse. Either possibility is a bad sign.There should never be any withholding of affection in a relationship. If she cared for you, she’d at least try.  I’m just not sure how connected you and she could be when your relationship lacks such a fundamental form and expression of intimacy. Right now, it sounds like sex is just a tool for you two to climax and that’s it. That’s childish.

Another red flag is that you’ve committed to her 1) after 3 weeks of dating 2) without having sex with her. As I’ve said before, men who typically jump head first into relationship usually do so because they have a critical flaw that they wish to hide. They want to lock the woman in and dazzle her with their willingness to commit, knowing that’s what most women want.

I think both you and she need to be honest with yourselves and each other that sex is not much of a priority. Therefore, all this fretting and wondering is a waste of time. I don’t buy that she’s frustrated at the lack of sex. I think that works for her, actually. If she were so sexual that a lack of intercourse bothered her, it stands to reason that she would engage in whatever she could to fill that void while she waited for you to be ready. She might believe that she’s frustrated at the lack of intercourse, but I’m guessing she’s quite relieved. She doesn’t have to go down on you and doesn’t have to have intercourse. She got you to commit without having to have sex. Sweetheart, you’re the typical Manhattan single woman’s wet dream.

Maybe you don’t like having sex with condoms and that’s why you hold off. I don’t know. What I do know is that without sex, you two are engaging in a high school version of a relationship. People who like and enjoy sex have it. You two aren’t having it. You both agreed to be exclusive without knowing if you sexually satisfy each other. This is the typical outcome of situations like that.

There are some alarming physical, interpersonal and emotional disconnects going on here. That does not bode well if you hope to have a mature and healthy adult relationship.

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Dating The Crazy, First Date Sex, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If He’s The Type To Think You’re Easy, He’s Not Worth It

December 22, 2012 by 13 Comments

Name: Heather
Age: 34
State: California
Question: This is more of a “request” for discussion than a dating question, as you already posted a dating question for me this week, so I feel a bit rude posting in here twice.

I like what you said to me on Twitter:  “If he’s the type to think you’re easy, he’s still going to end up being a douche.”

Notice the progression of events here:

1) Guy X thinks you’re easy (WHORE), therefore..
2) Guy X treats you like crap.

This makes me want to reverse the whole thing (can you tell by now that I’m a PhD student studying rhetoric?)

1) Guy X thinks that you only sleep with Special Boyfriends (VIRGIN), therefore…
2) Guy X treats you like a Goddess.

Notice that in both scenarios, Guy X has the option to judge the woman and change his behavior based on that judgment. The woman, of course, has no power whatsoever.

I’m sure that’s not what you intended, but it does raise a fascinating issue for what I’m dealing with right now in the dating world:

I have a high sex drive. Very, very high. I enact it not only by being “easy” but also by being very giving, enthusiastic, and active in the bedroom. I tend to be pretty horny most of the time.

Sometimes I like to try to “land” a boyfriend who (hopefully) also has a high sex drive, but more often than not I like to sleep around. As you know, OKC and POF make this stupidly easy for most women to accomplish. So I’ve had eight different casual sex partners since March. Always with no expectation of romance or a relationship, but occasionally the guys insist. Seriously I think some men need dinner and a movie to get in the mood :)

Anywhoo, I’m now to a point where I’m “sated” and ready to settle down with a boyfriend. I have a viable candidate in mind, and I’ve already told him that I haven’t had sex since February… because that was the last time I was in a committed long term relationship.

The thing of it is, I don’t like that I have to lie about this. I hate the Virgin/Whore dichotomy, and I hate that I’m buying into it by lying to this guy. But you said it yourself – a woman can’t be considered “easy” by a man.

I’ve never met a man who was willing to treat a woman with respect once he knew that she had been promiscuous in the past. And yet if a guy tells me that he had a bunch of casual sex a couple months ago, but now is looking for something committed, I would be happy to treat him with respect, and I would applaud his decision.

Is there any way out of this “judgment” trap that society set for us 4000 years ago? Or are we forced to play this game? I’m interested in your thoughts.

Thanks for your time,
Heather

Before my friend left to go home for the holidays, we cracked open a bottle of wine and had the “So, what has your OKC experience been like?” talk. We weren’t comparing numbers as much as we were comparing notes. He shared that, in the handful of months he’d been on that site, all of the women he went out with a second time had either had sex with him on the first date or on the second date. (I didn’t ask how many here were. That wasn’t the point of the exercise.) The ones who waited for the second date all did the “you’re not coming home with me tonight” thing that many women like to do. They wouldn’t sleep with him on the first date because first date sex, in their mind, was “bad.” They waited until the second date because, most likely, they rationalized that if a guy sticks around after one date with no sex then he must be truly interested.

What they don’t understand is that if a man is the type to consider a woman easy for enjoying her sexuality, one date isn’t going to matter. These guys want the woman to wait a long time so that they (the men) don’t have to fear that they are just one of many. That has nothing to do with gauging the woman’s virtue. That is all about massaging the man’s ego.

What women don’t understand is that men know what we’re thinking. They know we’re afraid of being considered “slutty.” Like anything else, they go along with our rationalizations and explanations knowing that we’ll eventually put out. These men understand that were merely trying to buy ourselves time so we don’t look “slutty.” As I pointed out to my friend, these women  – the ones who justify or qualify when they decide to have sex – usually go on to be far more trouble than they’re worth. Rather than own their own decisions and manage expectations, they project all of their insecurity onto the guy until things eventually implode.

I think that in the beginning of a relationship, both people need to keep their sexual history to themselves. Personally, I don’t find a man’s sexually history threatening. If my guy told me he had had a series of one night stands before we met, I wouldn’t care. I don’t want to know what he does after that point, of course. But hearing what happened before doesn’t faze me. I think a lot of this really depends on how the information is being shared. There’s something unseemly about a man or woman who brags about all the sex they have. It casts a rather sad light on the person doing the bragging. What’s funny is that if this information is shared publicly, like say on Twitter or a blog, the results are polar opposite depending on the braggarts gender.

A man can blog about all the sex he has and women will still want to be with him and try to date him seriously. Why? Because they like the idea of taming the beast and one upping the women who came before them. A woman, however, could not get away with it. She reeks of insecurity and sadness and ends up being passed around by various brahs who can’t be bothered to actually ask her out. Instead, she might get the last minute or late invite for drinks. She is considered a final option should no others arise. This is where things differ. A man can share his number and the woman will pretend to be intimidated or shocked, but she’s actually pleased that she’s found a man with so much experience. A woman could share her number and the man could be turned off. All of this hinges upon the security level of each person, of course. This is why I don’t advocate that these conversations be had. Ever.Frankly, I find the idea of counting or keeping track of lovers to be juvenile.

The only way out of this judgment trap is either to say nothing and never have this talk, lie or to only date men who have matured beyond the Madonna/Whore ideology. (Those men do exist, by the way. ) There is no logical explanation for why we even need to know about their sexual history beyond their last few test results. Numbers are inconsequential. We really aren’t entitled to know any of that. Whatever happened before you got with one partner should stay in the past out of respect for your partner. A story here or there isn’t an issue. More than that and you’re delving into “baggage” territory.

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Filed Under: Dating, First Date Sex, Game, Gender Roles, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?

November 20, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: M
Age: 28
State: TX
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances??  Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!

I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.

Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else.  It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.

These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.

Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.

How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.

But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.

Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.

You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.

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Filed Under: Beware, Cheating, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Douchey Guys, Girlfriends & Sabotage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The #1 Sign He Just Wants a Casual Hook-Up

November 19, 2012 by 43 Comments

Name: B
Age: 38
State:
Question: I had a first date with a man from a dating site on Friday evening.  Just drinks at a bar in town.  We had exchanged a few fun emails before arranging the date, so there was lots of laughter and joking at the date, and I thought it was going well.

In the middle of a conversation, he said “I think I’m going home alone tonight and having a good sleep” and I nodded.  He said “Is that all you’re going to do?  Nod?”  So I said I wasn’t sure how to respond to his comment, and we both laughed, then asked him what the correct reply was.  He changed the subject.  There was no red flag at the time, as everything  was said in a lighthearted tone.

We discovered that my mother is from the same small town as his father, and he said “Oh my father would be pleased I ended up with a local girl!” which I took to be a lighthearted joke.  We are also both interested in photography, and talked about our projects and exhibitions we have been to recently.

He asked me to accompany him to a gallery on Monday, and I told him that I had plans to go to a dinner party that evening.  He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party, and I said it wouldn’t be possible at such short notice, and asked if he was available later in the week, but he changed the subject.

We held hands when he walked me to my car and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

The next morning he texted to ask if I got home okay and I said yes, then I asked if he slept well, and got no answer.  Later on, I logged into the dating site, and he had copied and pasted an invitation to a special event at the gallery we talked about.  I said “Cool, I’m going!” then he replied and said he wasn’t going to go.

I’m feeling that I’m failing his tests.  I probably didn’t show him the level of physical affection he was expecting.   I’m confused because I always go dutch on dates, so there’s no pressure for the man to get a return on his “investment.”  What’s your take on the situation?

 

This guy wasn’t testing you. He just wasn’t interested beyond a casual hook up. Tests are normally used to determine if there is genuine interest. This guy didn’t care if you were interested or not. He was talking about future dates and making references to how his dad would be excited that he “ended up” with a local girl to give you the impression that he was really into you.

He wasn’t.  He was trying to get laid and he failed. Had you agreed to go to that gallery opening with him when he first asked, I guarantee you that he would have cancelled on you. He was trying to butter you up so you’d feel more comfortable going home with him. By the end of the date, he had exhausted all of his bush league tricks and just came out and asked you to take him home. When you said no it was game over for him. He was done trying. Don’t be fooled by the text the next day asking if you got home safely. That was just him investing in case he ever finds himself out of options.

It’s important to understand that a high percentage of the men that women meet online are just there to get laid. They’re not even looking to casually date someone. They’re looking for a straight-up one night stand. A one and done.  The tell tale sign of such a man? They try to force a false sense of intimacy of familiarity right away.

He asked me to cancel and go with him  instead, or to get my friend to reschedule her dinner party,

Okay. Let’s talk about the level of self-absorption that someone must possess to ever believe this is an appropriate request. These are the types of things that men do that should immediately make you suspicious of their intentions. This guy that you’ve only met once is so enamored of you that he wants you to cancel your plans or get your friend to reschedule a dinner party just so you could accompany him to a gallery opening? He couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked you out for a different night? He was feigning interest so that you’d be more willing to sleep with him. He’s thinking that, if you believe that a second date was already on the calendar, that you’d let your guard down. Sorry, but how desperate to get laid does a guy have to be to go to such lengths? Is it that hard for him to get some? That alone would have turned me off.

Before he left, he said it wasn’t too late for him to go back to my place, and I laughed, thinking he was joking, because it was 11:30 and we were both tired.

Women should never blame a guy for trying to get her to take him home. That alone does not mean the guy is just looking for a no strings hook up. Don’t automatically assume the guy is a lost cause of he does this. Isolated, this is not a bad sign. Combined with the “we” talk and atypical level of interest before the date is even over, and it doesn’t bode well.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, casual sex, Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The 3 Keys To Successful Online Dating

October 27, 2012 by 19 Comments

Last week I did a profile review for a woman. Before the session, she told me that she had done a decent amount of internet research and read over a series of customer reviews. Most of these reviews criticized online dating. She asked me my opinion of the various sites and said she wasn’t sure, based on the reviews, if she should bother.

In general, I tend to think that anybody who Googles customer reviews for online dating sites probably isn’t going to enjoy the experience. They’re looking for negative information, consciously or not. They have a specific idea in their head and they want to see that there are others who share such views. They want to be suspicious and overly-analytical. Much like the women who take seminars in how to find out if a man is a lying, cheating sociopath, they’re not really looking for information. They’re looking to find like minded people so they can all talk about how deceptive men are. That’s an example of confirmation bias in its purest form.

I was reading an article today about a new service that provides singles with an alternative phone number that they can have forwarded to their phone. The number is not connected to your personal information in any way.

On one hand, I get it. This way you can tell your date your name is Sally McSugarsnatch and they won’t be the wiser. But it also means that you can tell people that your name is Sally McSugarsnatch and nobody will be the wiser. Works both ways, you know?

I certainly understand the need for privacy. But, in my opinion, there’s a line of just how cautious one should be in order to have successful results. Scouring the internet for user reviews of dating websites is not going to turn up a ton of positive commentary. It’s rare that people who had a good experience with anything run to the internet to say so. It’s usually the more negative people who take that time. I can remember coming across a Yelp review of a supermarket in my neighborhood. The people were complaining about the skinny aisles and lack of corn muffins.  You would have thought someone shot their dog they sounded so personally offended. And forget about blogs of columns about dating. Most of them are going to focus on the negative because that’s a better read. (And because most people who regularly write about their personal lives are effing trainwrecks of epic proportions.) You don’t want to go in the other direction, either. (Dear D-Man…you’re an idiot.) Hand out your personal info to people willy nilly, like oh say, a lacking in boundaries dating columnist and you’ll be used as fodder and named and shamed. And yes, D-Man, I know you don’t see it that way. That’s the problem.

Then we have the grisly story here in NYC about the “Cannibal Cop.” Turns out, he had an OKCupid profile. Here’s a good example of how Google can not save you if someone is intent on causing harm. A woman who agreed to meet him would have not discovered one thing through a Google search. There was one red flag in his profile. A big one. He lists his status as “Seeing Someone” and posts a number of photos of himself on his profile. That’s not someone looking to cheat. That’s someone who doesn’t care that people know he’s cheating and doesn’t care if he gets caught.  There it is: arrogance, entitlement, lack of remorse. Done and done. Buh bye. Next. No Google required. You didn’t even have to read past the profile headline.

You can’t be looking for monsters at every turn if you want to meet someone. You can not be waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time.

Disappointment and deception are now all part of the process.

  • You’re going to hear from people that don’t interest you.
  • You’re going to meet people who just want sex or free meals.
  • You’re going to meet someone you really, really like who fades on you. Probably after sex.
  • You’re going to meet someone who has a partner.
  • You’re going to meet someone who lies about their weight, height or age.
  • You’re going to meet someone who tells you they’re not looking for a relationship.
  • You’re going to meet someone who texts you non-stop but never gets around to meeting you.
  • You’re going to meet someone who is socially awkward.
  • You’re going to meet someone who is “crazy.”

If you can’t handle the thought of encountering any of these people, and expect things to go smoothly and require minimal effort, then take down your profile and close up shop. Online dating takes patience, effort and a serious level of detachment. You have to learn how to not care about any of it. At some point:

  • Everybody gets blown off.
  • Everybody sends out messages to people and don’t get many replies.
  • Everybody gets the “you’re hot” messages.
  • Everybody gives out their number and never gets a call.
  • Everybody meets someone who says they want a relationship, but they really don’t.

As long as you’re getting a date or two here and there each month, you’re doing okay. Don’t expect to fill your calendar off the bat. That’s a misconception. Remember, people who write about dating need something to write. Many of those dates they accept, they accept to have fodder.

You also need to learn how to prevent these things – these experiences that are inevitable – from happening over and over again. To do so you need to be cautious when you encounter the following:

1. Lack of timely response to communications -  Anybody that takes more than 24 hours to respond to you, only responds late at night/early in the morning or never suggests a specific time/date to meet should immediately be flagged.

2. Turning the tables - I once had a guy that I was emailing with back and forth for a week. He rated me highly, I replied, he replied, I replied…then nothing for 2 days. It then took another 3 days to exchange two messages between us. I sent him my number. He sent me a text 24 hours later. He said he was out of town and would return Monday. Then he signed off with, ‘Have a great weekend.” I didn’t reply. Within 4 hours, he emailed me through the site expressing light-hearted dismay that I hadn’t replied to his text. Delete. Block. No time.

3. No follow through - If you have to chase someone down to confirm plans, they aren’t that interested. If they say they’ll contact you and don’t, block ‘em.

Don’t be scared off because they choose to get offline quickly. You have to be willing to jump right into the fire. You have to be. Should you accept a date at their apartment? No. But an invitation to meet for a drink after exchanging all of 2 emails isn’t a death trap. If you’re one of those people who alerts all their friends where they will be and gives friends photos of your date..just because…then pick a public space during the day in order to feel someone out.

Stop analyzing every aspect of the experience and just do it.

 

 

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is This Relationship Going Anywhere?

September 23, 2012 by 18 Comments

Name: Ophelia
Age: 34
State: NYC
Question:  I’d like to talk to my boyfriend about living together. We’ve been dating almost a year. We’re at each others places a couple times a week. Either I sleep at his place or he at mine.   I’d like for this relationship to continue moving forward. How do I bring this up without scaring him off?

 

Well, my first suggestion is to examine why you want to live together. Judging by your letter and the way you phrased this, what you truly want is to lock down this relationship. I don’t get the sense from your brief question that you actually want to build a home life with this person. Which, if you’re curious, is the real reason why people should live together. All the other reasons, like convenience or finances, to me seem rather flimsy and bogus. You don’t share a living space with someone so you can save a few hundred dollars per month or have a shorter commute to work. You do it because you want to build a life with someone.

We had a letter like this months ago, sent in by a guy, and I’m going to say to you what I said to him. If you’ve been dating almost a year and you’re only seeing each other a couple times a week, I’m not sure moving in together should be your main concern.

Spending a couple or even a few nights here and there with someone without wanting to claw your face off isn’t exactly a barometer for determining the kind of compatibility needed to live together. Sure, maybe you’ve even vacationed together a couple of times and spent a whole week together. If you have done that and that went well, then put that in the plus column. Just remember that you and he appear to have just as much time together as you do apart. Which means it’s kind of always the honeymoon phase with you two, even if you talk every day.

Seeing each other a few times a week doesn’t really prepare you for what living together is like. Of course, at some point, you’re just going to have to jump and put your feet into the fire. However, I don’t think now is that time for you. What you want is to know that he is in this for the long haul. This might not thrill you to hear, but there’s a really good chance that he’s not. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or enjoy hanging out with you. It means that, maybe, you and he don’t have the same end goal in mind.

If moving in together were on his radar, I would think you and he would be spending more than a couple or few nights a week together. Coming over after work, having dinner, watching TV, having sex and then waking up and saying good bye until you seem them again in a couple days does not scream “I want to build a future with you.” It says “I like my space. I like things as is. I have no plans to make this more serious.” Spend a few consecutive nights and days together for awhile. For all you know, his constant presence might drive you up a wall.If things haven’t progressed beyond spending a two or three nights together and it’s been a year, I don’t think that’s a good sign. If you two aren’t spending full weekends together, for sure that’s not a good sign. (I don’t care if you spend all Saturday morning and afternoon together. I’m talking a straight weekend.)

Any couple that thinks that they’re ready for this kind of commitment but never spends more than a few days together at a time is immature and delusional, in my opinion. Couples who have constant “breaks” from each other are also silly to believe that they have what it takes to make it long term.  Someone is a fool to not recognize how the constant separation plays a role in the viability of such a relationship.  Eventually, the breaks will disappear and you two will be left only with each other. You have to endure the less appealing side of a relationship – the boredom, the annoyance, the temporary lack of interest in sex – before you can really determine if that person is someone you see yourself with long term.

Ophelia, what I think you need to do is bite the bullet and ask your guy where he sees things going and let him know if you and he aren’t on the same path.

You want the milestone just for the sake of having it so you can believe the relationship is serious. That’s the thinking of someone who doesn’t really know what this kind of commitment involves or is about. You just want the serious relationship without even knowing if it will make you happy in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Acts Too Interested Too Soon

September 19, 2012 by 30 Comments

Name: Scaredy Cat
Age: 39
State: GA
Question: Hello,

I’m a 39 year old divorced single Mom who truly wants to have the relationship I “know” I deserve. I have met a wonderful man a few weeks ago online and ever since we met, we have been spending allot of time together.  Since we’ve met, I have seen him at least 3 times.  He drives 40 minutes each way to see me and says that if he had it his way, he would see me every day.  He talks like he wants a real relationship with me but has not asked me for exclusivity yet.  But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all however, I’m trying to decide “when” I should be intimate with him???
When we go out, he LOVES the attention we get and says that he thrives off of how people stare at us.  Now, dating black women is not new for him since his ex-wife is Black and they have 3 children together.  We had been emailing and talking on the phone for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet.  When we met, we had a wonderful time.  I was concerned about him meeting my daughter, but one night (the 3rd meet up) he wanted to come over early (before she goes to bed), and he met her.  My daughter, who is 15, said that she likes him and that he seems like a really cool guy.  It’s me that’s worried. If I felt there was any inkling of impropriety where he was concerned, I would have NEVER invited him to my home.  He truly wants to get into my world and he understands that means accepting my daughter as well.
I’ve been in situations before where I had sex too fast or allowed someone into my world to quickly and it messed everything up.  I really like this guy and am VERY sexually attracted to him.  I just don’t know when to become intimate with him both emotionally and physically. He keeps hinting around at wanting sex, but I just laugh and change the subject to something else.  I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??  He says that I have his total and undivided attention and he got upset at me when I hinted around at him dating other women.  He said that I struck a nerve because it sounds like I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do.  He texted me at 2 AM in the morning and told me that he is falling for me.  He texts me every day telling me about how beautiful I am and how he keeps thinking “nice” thoughts about me.  Whenever we are around each other he wants to kiss me and kiss on my neck.  I just don’t want sex to mess up the friendship.  And again, I have only physically met him 1 week ago.  Is this guy really interested in me or does he just want me for sex?  I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t know how to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not?? I can reach him at any time.  He makes himself accessible and he’s making the long drive to see me.  So, after knowing him for about 2-3 weeks, I’m concerned about him coming around me.  Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.  So, I have not allowed him to come and see me for a couple of days and he’s starting to think he did something wrong.  I just tell him that I’ve been busy with my daughter and that’s why he can’t come over to see me.  What should I do??  I really like him, but I don’t want to mess this up and I am so confused about how to move forward.  Help??!!

 

But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all

Then why did you bring it up? I don’t believe that it doesn’t bother you. What does he mean by he “loves” the way people stare at you two? What do you mean that he thrives off of it? Something about that doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t trust that his interest in you is coming from a healthy place. Not that I blame you, because I don’t either.

It’s been three dates. Why is he in such a rush to meet your daughter? Why is he in such a rush, period? That’s what you should be asking yourself.

I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??

With that statement he is telling you, or at least leading you to believe, that he’s dating other women. I have to say that, if that were the case, I don’t know why he’d be driving 40 minutes to see you. Between that and what sounds like his utter desperation, I’d say he has limited options. That would explain why he’s laying it on so thick and trying so hard. He’s trying to ingratiate himself into your life by kissing up to both you and your daughter. Why? Since when is a divorced guy in such a rush to meet the children of a woman he just met online? Why is he driving 40 minutes to see you? Why is he so available? Everything about his behavior is the opposite of Game.

Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.

You’re not afraid of the sex. You’re afraid he’ll dump you once he gets the sex. Let’s not conflate the two issues. The bottom line is that you suspect that something about this situation is too good to be true. Which usually means it is. You don’t trust this because you know, instinctively, everything about this is the polar opposite of everything else you’ve experienced. This situation aside, you need to get a more mature attitude towards sex and dating. If you don’t trust yourself to say no, that’s a whole other issue that has nothing to do with him. You need to get your actions and your intentions in alignment where this area is concerned. You’re not 16 anymore. There’s just no room in the dating game to be thinking and acting like a teenager.

Either this guy is seriously desperate to get laid or gets attached alarmingly quickly. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who gives off a bit of desperado. My question would be about why he can’t seem to get any. My guess is that he scares women off with how overbearing and clingy he gets so early in the game.

Now let’s discuss your fear that, if you have sex in the dreaded “too soon” time frame, you’ll mess things up. Let’s look at that statement/concern more closely. You seem to think that the only reason why he’s being so attentive is to get sex. I agree with that, btw. I don’t necessarily agree that “all’ he wants is sex. He’s clearly dying to get into your pants. But do you understand that, if all a man wants is sex, it doesn’t matter how long you wait? If we follow your logic, the guy will bail or get turned off after sex. Okay. That means that there’s nothing you could do to “mess things up” because the outcome was pre-determined. You wouldn’t be messing anything up by sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. He’d have already decided that you were temporary.

I’m not suggesting that you ditch this guy.  He could just be awful and awkward at dating and out of practice. What I am advising you to do is learn more about him so you can understand *why* he’s so anxious to rush into this whole thing. If this were me, I’d be thinking something about this isn’t kosher. I don’t know what it is that has him so eager, but there is definitely something motivating him and causing him to act this way. It’s possible that he gets obsessed with women, or too needy or he’s just trying way too hard.

 

 


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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction, Intimacy, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Guest Post – Why Dating is not Therapy

September 14, 2012 by 3 Comments

Let me ask you a question. Men want to meet singles and do whatever they can to get that date.  So, why is it that after all the efforts a guy puts into securing this date, they manage to ruin it pretty much right away? They arrive on the date and talk for a good proportion of the time about their ex-girlfriend and how women don’t understand him.

This has to be one of the biggest no no’s on a first date but guys keep doing it time and time again. Sure there is a time and place to talk about ‘history’ but the first date isn’t it. Most guys think they are being vulnerable and show that they are in touch with their feminine side by talking about their ex. What they are actually saying is:

  • That they turn into an emotional wreck when things go wrong
  • That they are not over their previous relationship
  • That they blame others for the situations life has put them in
  • That they have baggage and “unfinished business”
  • That they are not that into you
  • That you might just be the rebound

This may not actually be the case at all, but by talking about their ex on a date as if they were in a therapy session men are reinforcing these ideas. You need to remember that the person sitting opposite you only have what you say to form their opinions on you. Let’s face it, any of the mentioned issues above are enough for a smart girl to get herself together and excuse herself from the date. Clearly not the desired result you want?

Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be yourself. Of course you should. Being yourself got you the date remember, but it’s important to also remember that your ex is an ex for a reason. Things didn’t work out. Do you really want to waste time on a date talking about them? You need to guide the conversation on a date to the best version of you. Intrigue her and allow her through great conversation to discover all there is to know about you. No need to lay it all out in the first thirty minutes.

 

Singles Warehouse is the largest online dating magazine on the web bringing you the best news, online dating tips and best dating writers direct to you.  What’s more we’re the fastest growing UK and USA dating website.  So if you’re looking for love look no further.

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Filed Under: First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Guest Post Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Just Say No To Asking Him Out

September 12, 2012 by 54 Comments

Part of an article I recently wrote for Your Tango’s Expert series contained 5 pieces of advice that women should never take at face value when they hear it from their girlfriends. One point has actually been getting some coverage in the dating blogosphere of late. That would be the “controversy” over whether or not a woman should ask a man out.

Unless you genuinely believe that a man is too timid or shy or otherwise in the dark about your interest, you should wait for him to do the asking. The reason is simple: because men freely admit to arbitrarily raising and lowering their standards depending on the situation. Meaning that, if sex is offered, he’s likely to take it regardless of how attracted or interested he actually is. Since there isn’t the rampant slut shaming amongst men like there is women, men aren’t particularly concerned with being labeled “easy.” – 5 Misleading Dating Tips Your Girlfriends Give

The reason I don’t think women should ask men out has nothing to do with shifting the power dynamic or setting a precedent. It has to do with one simple issue:

Sex.

From the How About We piece:

But, most guys aren’t assholes of such cartoonish proportions. I think most guys actually try to do “the right thing.” And on a conscious level, they know it’s not cool to feign interest in a girl just to get her naked, especially if it seems like she wants more than just a fling.

And that’s when the subconscious rationalizing begins:

“Well, I’d sleep with her. And I’m pretty sure she’s interested. But, I’d never want to date her….”

“Alright, be cool then. Just talk to her and be friendly….”

“Oh, look at that. She just kissed me. Hmm….”

“Alright, Conscience. Look, dude, she freaking just kissed me! You can’t possibly expect me to turn her away, right? As long as she kisses me first, then I can totally hook up with her, and you won’t lay all that guilt on me afterwards, right? Right?”

 

I disagree that men rationalize anything when they have sex. If it is offered and they’re up for it, they will take it. They don’t feel bad about it afterwards, even if the woman starts in with, ‘But I thought we really connected!” If she doesn’t state very plainly upfront what she expects from the relationship (not the sex!) then he’s just going to say yes. He’s not responsible for her feelings, even if he senses that she’s more interested than he is. That’s because most men don’t attach expectations to sex. The whole “but she’s a woman! She has Feels!” doesn’t fly with them, and frankly it shouldn’t. Especially if she’s choosing to do the asking, thereby assuming the male role. Never, ever expect a man to feel responsible for you or your feels before he’s invested or committed.

Few men have to rationalize having sex. That’s mostly a female trait. But the guys who do, along with the guys who don’t, present a “danger’ to the women who make the first move. Even if he’s moderately interested, he will accept that date. And if sex is offered quickly, and I’m betting it usually is in these situations, he will take it.

See, there’s a connection between the women who ask men out and the women who put out. That’s what many men are banking on, which is why they accept. The women who ask men out often times – but not exclusively – are of the “I can date like a man” mentality. Which means their perceptions of dating and sex are based on their usually negative experiences and reliance that their girlfriends are telling them the truth about how they met their guy. They are the ‘I can have sex like a man’ women. And they can’t. Sorry, ladies. You do it to yourselves.

Since women tend to be more status conscious and picky, they believe that men are as discerning when accepting a date. They aren’t. Unless you’re completely unfortunate looking, and they have a slot open on the calendar, they’ll say yes. Sometimes they’ll say yes with absolutely no intention of every meeting up. They just want to back out of the conversation slowly. Others will accept the invitation thinking their chances of scoring pretty effortlessly are higher. And, yes, some will actually be interested but were too shy or in the dark about the woman’s interest to do the asking. But those men are not the majority.

The only time a woman should ask a man out is if she’s completely accepting and understanding that a man might say yes but not be terribly interested. If she can function under the belief that what he or her girlfriends think doesn’t matter, then she should go for it. Otherwise, don’t do it.

**This does not include online dating. With online dating, all rules go out the window.

 

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Traditional Dating Rules, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

READER RANT – Should A Woman Choose Love Over A Career?

September 11, 2012 by 170 Comments

Name: M
Age: 32
Story: I started a new relationship about 2 months ago, and we are currently hitting our first rough spot.  While that’s not fun, it got me thinking.  This particular problem has cropped up with a lot of the girls I’ve dated, and I doubt those girls have much of an idea how much of a problem this is.  The problem Im talking about is girls’ devotion to their careers.  Yes, this applies to guys just as much, but since I dont try to date guys, I know nothing about how it that goes and so I wont talk about this from that angle.
The fact that you are on this site, a dating blog, and not on some professionals networking or how-to-get-ahead-in-business web site indicates dating is at least as important as, and probably more important than, your job to you.  And why shouldnt it be?  If you work 40 hours a week, the time you spend over the course of your life working is only HALF of the time you spend with your significant other, assuming you spend evenings, weekends, vacations and retirement together.  Most girls say they want to meet a guy, fall in love, get married (and possibly have kids, though thats not really relevant to this discussion).  Yet in their prime dating years, large numbers of young women choose to put career ahead of dating.  They work long hours, work on weekends, and take home work from the office, all of which detract from time they could spend dating or building relationships.  In doing so, they turn off, blow off or repel desirable guys, the same kinds of guys these girls claim to want to date.  Most guys are taken by girls who devote more time and effort to their relationships, and the older the girl gets, the quality of the average guy remaining on the market decreases.  By the time girls make sufficient progress in their careers that they feel they can put more time/effort into relationships (generally between 28-34, based on what Ive seen among career oriented women), the most desirable guys are taken, and the girls are left with two choices: settle, which means lowering their standards, or push forward, insisting they will find their knight in shining armor, which is unlikely to happen. Unfortunately for them, the men their age would rather – and often do – date the younger, prettier girls, and as such, arent as interested in their same-age counterparts.  Even if girls are able to find a decent guy their own age, he may be beaten down from years of dating and living the single life, and hence, emotionally exhausted.  From here, it just gets tougher.  Women and men both age, but womens’ value to men drops considerably more than vice versa after a certain age, especially for men looking to have kids.
The point is, for women looking for a long term relationship, your 20s are your golden years.  You are young, vibrant, energetic, and most likely, as attractive as you will ever be.  To waste that on something like a job that will never bring you the kind of true happiness that only a good, solid, meaningful relationship can is a mistake you may regret for the rest of your life, and one you wont get a chance to do over.  I can understand why one might want to devote themselves to their work.  But its critical to realize that the amount of effort you put into it is far from the only factor that will determine whether you reach your career goals.  Even if you do a great job, bad bosses, backstabbing coworkers, office politics, budget cuts, lack of opportunities or plain old competition (and a whole array of other factors) may prevent you from reaching your goals.  You may very well work really hard into your early or mid 30s only to find that you havent progressed much farther than those who you started your career with but who didnt put in quite so many hours.  At that point, what was all your extra work for and was it really worth it?  For most, I suspect the answer is no.  So as I think about my relationship history and all the times when girls’ jobs put unreasonable demands on them and, due to their devotion to their careers, they automatically kowtow to those jobs without thinking, I cant help but wonder what might have been if they had had a more sensible work-life balance.  Just so we’re clear, I dont expect a girl to completely blow off work to date me.  However, I do expect to be somewhere on my girlfriend’s list of priorities, and I do expect to move up that list the longer we are together, and at some point, I expect to move above the girl’s job on her list of priorities.  I know if I had such a special girl in my life, at some point, she would become more important to me than my job.  Considering a job is easier to replace than such a special person (boyfriend/girlfriend/fiance/spouse), and considering how much time is [potentially] ultimately spent with each, doesnt it make sense, even in this economy?

 

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