Cruising for casual sex or casual relationships on the internet ain’t easy.  There’s a lot of decoding and deciphering that needs to be done.

“So…what are you looking for?”

To their credit, most men won’t just come out and say that they just want to have sex with a woman. They’ll hint.

Translation: Wanna f*ck?

That’s it.  There’s no need to analyze that. Even Socrates would tell you it doesn’t require that much thought. It’s very simple. They’re trying to direct the conversation towards what they want. They only ask a woman what she’s looking for so that she will ask the same in return. That way, the guy can make his admission without looking crass. It’s a strategic move.

Queries like this are especially common in online dating. People, men and women, tend to speak in a special language, avoiding any reference to actual sex. The ones who don’t are banking on people giving them props for their “refreshing honesty.’ Guys, especially. Women fall for that all that time.

‘Oh, at least he’s upfront about what he wants.”

You don’t understand. Those guys are either completely social oblivious or are being manipulative. They are preying on a woman’s desire to finally get “the truth” because those women are almost assuredly a Sure Thing.Women who offer up similar confessions in their profile come off as trying way too hard to sound “like a man” or “cool.” The funny thing is that both men and women tend to speak about their sexual desires in ways that they believe will turn on the opposite sex, but will actually turn off the people they seek. Men who refer to “toe curling’ sex and giving massages and women who talk about “fucking’ on the kitchen floor end up alienating possible lovers with such terminology or attracting the people they don’t want. A guy who talks about how “toe curling” the sex will be with him ends up attracting the woman who has learned everything she knows about sex from soft core porn and romance novels. Women who use crude references usually draw to them crude men. Keep that in mind.

“I think we’re looking for the same thing.”

Translation: Wanna f*ck?

Again, that’s a very straight forward yet round about way to respond to someone’s ad who makes it clear they’re not looking for anything serious. Keep that in mind, because that is how many people interpret a sentence like that.

Now, what if you’re dating online and you’re not looking for anything serious? How do you avoid all the possible emotional landmines?

Unfortunately, it’s very different for men and women. I’ve done numerous tests with profiles to try and gauge how successful being upfront really is.

For Men: The irony here is that women who repeatedly get faded on or pumped and dumped tend to find these guys endearing. Then, of course, they find themselves sobbing into their Merlot crying about how dishonest men are. Even when the men are honest, these women still manage to interpret their words incorrectly or give these men way too much credit. Guys who include a statement in their profile about not looking for anything serious tend to end up attracting the women who do want something serious, but think they can handle something casual. There’s really no way to weed those women out unless there is a glaring red flag or two in their profiles. I would never reply to a man’s profile if he only chose casual sex as an option. You know what you’re getting there.

For Women: It’s a crapshoot. It really is. Sure, you get several times the average number of responses. But most of them are from men that clearly can’t get laid to save their lives or who wouldn’t bother with you otherwise. There are a few stray decent options here and there. But that’s a lot of filtering. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work the same for men and women. Men can select casual sex as an option and probably don’t get as many lewd propositions. Of course, men are also less bothered by such messages. Women have to stick with short-term dating. If a man really wants to get laid, he doesn’t care if the woman ‘uses” him. Not so for most women. They don’t like the idea that a guy would sleep with them but not date them. Those are probably the toughest guys to spot because they tend to say all the right things. All you can do in those situations is go with your gut and your desires and decide ahead of time that, however things roll out, you won’t care. And if you’re truly looking for something casual, you won’t. Sadly, there really are no sure fire signs he’s never going to call again. Other than, of course, he doesn’t say he’ll call you. Then you know. But by then, it’s probably too late. There’s no point in asking if you will hear form him again because he’s probably going to lie just to avoid possible conflict and to get laid.

I don’t agree that men and women are judged differently for being upfront about wanting or seeking casual sex or a casual relationship. The women who see men who are that upfront as pigs will obviously judge the women similarly. Those women are sluts, desperate, etc.  I also think that even some of the more sexually liberal men might be taken aback by a woman who is that open about her desires. But then, that’s about their egos more than anything else. They want to believe they’re the ones who inspired the woman to turn “slutty.” It sucks that we can’t be honest. It really does. But that’s just how it is. You can try to be the one who breaks down that barrier if you like. Just be sure you’re okay with essentially using the lure of sex to get a guy’s attention. Because, that’s what many men will assume. Either that or they’ll assume you’re DTF. If you’re not, it’s best to leave such wording out of your ad.

So…do you use the internet to get laid? How? What were the results?