Going Down?

Article Roundup time!

Read this do you’re up to speed.

From the article:

It’s one thing to just not eat a pussy once or twice. Sometimes you’re doing other things and it doesn’t come up. I’m talking about these guys who barely even LOOK at your pussy, like you could bang this dude for a year and he would never once even get below your ribcage.

They should at least pretend, like that thing I always did on dates where I half-reached into my bag even though I knew the dude I was with was going to cover the bill. Act like you’re on your way down there but you just got distracted by the sweet Portishead mix or whatever. I don’t even love getting my pussy eaten, but it’s a matter of common courtesy, like being polite to waiters. 

After all, he doesn’t know I don’t love it. I don’t always want you to eat my pussy, but I want you to want to eat my pussy, you know?

I knew before I even read the comments how the thread was going to go. Lots and lots of braying about how no way, no how would she date someone who didn’t go down on her. Which, sorry, is bullshit. Really? If they quality of your sexual relationship with someone was great with that one exception, you’d dump him? You’re so ballsy! You’d “never” date a man who didn’t enjoy going down on you? What a crock. “My guy does it 3 times a week!” “Well my boyfriend can’t get enough!”  Oooh…competition! Seriously. What would women like this do if the internet didn’t exist for them to brag about their relationships and sex lives? How would they find women to dump on so they can make themselves feel better?

Here’s what’s really messed up: if a woman ever said she never went down on a guy because she didn’t like it, people would swarm around her and tell her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do, etc. Which, of course,she doesn’t. But if guys are expected to go down, then it would seem only fair if the same expectation was placed on women.

Then there are the comments where one woman admits she’s not all that fond of receiving oral and she’s shamed for it. “What?? He must not be doing it right!” Translation: All the men I’ve been with have been masters at oral therefore I’m better than you.

I often hear men say that they “love” going down on their partner. Yet I rarely hear the same coming from a woman, despite the fact that performing oral on a man is far easier than doing so to a woman. I honestly think that the main motivating factor involved with really enjoying this particular act is skill. If you’re good at it, you love doing it. If you’re not – or fear you’re not – you don’t. When women would talk about how degrading fellatio was, I always suspected that they just were insecure about their abilities or doing that adorable slut shaming thing. It’s fascinating to watch how so many women get defensive and even insulting when confronted with another woman who enjoys sex. You never see that kind of reaction from or amongst men. You just don’t. A woman who enjoys sex is a threat to most women. It’s as simple as that.

As for the topic itself, sans all the catty intra-gender competitiveness, I’m curious as to how everybody else feels. Would you continue to date someone – male or female – if they refused to go down on you?

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Are Anal Sex & Threeways The New Third Base?

A Troubleshooting session today involved an intriguing scenario. My client, a 37 year old female in NYC, asked me to share her situation here. Here’s the story:

Girl meets man on OKCupid. Girl is fresh out of a relationship and looking to casually date. Girl feels man is more sexually experienced than she is. The second time they slept together he asks her for anal sex. During a fantasy swapping session, he reveals his experience with threeways and anal sex.

My client’s question was whether or not anal sex and threeways were now expected options on the sexual menu.

Let’s answer this woman’s initial query. No, anal sex is not something men expect. Unless they are skilled in the ways of backdoor lovin’, anal sex is not especially pleasurable for most people. Done incorrectly and it can cause a great deal of pain and anxiety. Handled with care and a little flair, it can work. But that takes a lot of patience and understanding. For most men, getting straight sex is a chore in and of itself. They’re not going to make things harder for themselves by demanding or expecting anal sex. Will they take it if offered? Probably. But the do not demand it, nor do they judge a woman for not wanting or liking it.

As for the threeway, few men will turn that one down. I think most men make a play for the threeway. They usually start by asking a woman if she’s ever experimented or fantasized hoping it will open some Sapphic Pandora’s Box. Most guy’s won’t push for it, though. If they do, and you’ve made it clear you’re not interested, take that as a warning sign that they’re going to be looking elsewhere or that you and he might not be sexually compatible.

Now let’s attack the more concerning issue for me:

There’s nothing wrong with sharing sexual experiences as part of foreplay, which is what these two were doing. It’s actually pretty hot. You always run the risk of revealing too much and possibly intimidating your partner. You have to be sure they know that whatever you and they have been doing has been working for you and make sure they don’t feel like you’re pressuring them. I’ve often advised women here to reign in their prowess the first few times they hook up with a new partner. If you’re too good, they’re going to wonder how you got that way. Men are praised for the skills in the bedroom. Women are often chastised for it. Personally, I don’t date men who think like that. I find them tedious and exhausting. If I have to sit and worry about his fragile ego I’m not going to enjoy it.

Requesting anal on a second sleep over? What ever happened to tuning in to OnDemand and ordering a porn? Maybe throw in a facial for good measure? Christ on a Tricycle. That’s a pretty high bar to set for a new lover. He obviously told this woman that story for a reason. He wanted her to know exactly what gets him off. If she can’t live up to that, she should probably turn back now.

You don’t have to post a sexually explicit profile on OKC to receive bizarre emails from guys who clearly want to cam and jerk off or who just want to send random women pictures of their penis. Everybody has their kink or fetish. As long as everyone is on the same page and nobody breaks a law or gets hurt, it’s all good. For the record, I don’t consider spanking or anal sex or hair pulling or facials “kinky.” I actually think they’re pretty mainstream. I roll my eyes up into my head when I hear women bray about how kinky they are because they like to be spanked or have their hair pulled. Equally Yawnworthy are men who write those Christian Grey inspired dating profiles promising to re-enact scenes out of the movie Secretary. Oooooh. How 2002. Seriously. Just because you dated a guy who likes to call you a slut and spank you doesn’t mean you’re D/s (Dom/Sub) experienced. Whatever. Get shackled to a wall and paddled then tell me how kinky you are, kids.

I advised her to approach this guy with caution. There’s a big difference between a guy with a high sex drive and one with an insatiable sex drive. If he can’t be sated, then he’s always going to be looking for something beyond what is typical in order to get off. That could lead to some reckless behavior down the road. She needs to check in with him and make sure that he’s satisfied. He needs to do the same. If he’s pushing for anal that quickly, it could be that he’s become desensitized to “vanilla” sex.

 

 

 

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When the Intimacy of Sex Is Too Much

This is a two-parter, so stick with me. My friend G. had a date the other night. He met the woman on the subway, and they chatted each other up until he had to get off at his stop.

He took her out and things went well. So he called her again and they met up for a second time. She sent him a text a few days later and invited him over to her place.

He declined, saying he had to work late. But he didn’t have to work late.

“Third date. Her place. Wine. I know where that’s headed” he said.

“I thought you liked her” I said.

“I do. I’m just not ready for the intimacy involved with sex….though I’d probably take a blow job”

After congratulating him on that comment, I pressed further. What about the intimacy of intercourse vs. oral sex would make him apprehensive?  To me, there’s intimacy and vulnerability involved with both acts. They’re just different. With intercourse,  you’re connected not just through body parts but by your senses. You’re touching each other and looking at each other. The connection and the level of vulnerability can be stronger. With oral, while still connected and still incorporating the other senses, the intimacy part isn’t as intense and there’s not as much vulnerability, in my opinion. But it’s still present.

My friend J. and I were talking Saturday night about oral vs. intercourse and which we prefer. We both said it depended on the situation, whether it was with someone we cared for or just a casual hook-up. For casual situations, while I don’t say no, I don’t care if they go down on me or not. If they do, great. I don’t brush them away.  But I prefer and enjoy it more when it’s a guy I know and trust. Same goes for my decision to head south. I prefer to save that for guys I truly like and care for. Doesn’t have to be a serious dating situation. I just have to feel comfortable with them and trust them. And I have to feel that they’ll appreciate it. I’m not wasting the pretty on someone who I don’t think will.  One of the questions on OKCupid’s About Us section asks if you’d continue to date someone who said they didn’t like giving or receiving oral sex. I said no. I don’t know many guys who will go without receiving. I’m curious to hear how men and women would feel if they dated a wo/man who didn’t like giving head or who didn’t like receiving oral. I’ll say this: If a guy told me he didn’t really enjoy getting head…I’d be suspicious. And if a woman said she doesn’t like getting head, yet still maintains how great she is in bed, I’m calling bullshit there, too. Just my opinion. If someone is uncomfortable with a man or woman going down on them, then there’s something else going on that will get in the way.

Back to my friend G.

“I just don’t want to fuck anybody right now” he said.

I know he had broken up with someone in February. It had lasted under a year. He meets women pretty easily. Was he just not over his ex?

I asked him if intimacy was always a part of sex for him. Because sometimes it’s just about the act, about getting off, getting the poison out. But maybe that wasn’t the case for him? He couldn’t explain why he felt the way he felt. He just knew that he didn’t want to have sex with anyone yet.

Earlier this year I was out with a guy who expressed a similar concern. I knew immediately after we met that he was what I refer to as “emotionally shattered.” He wasn’t in a great place in his life, sleeping on a friend’s couch while he got his finances together to find his own place.  I told him that we could just be friends and relax and enjoy the rest of the evening. It seemed to take the pressure off and got him to open up. (Yes, he said I could write about this.) He said he knew he wasn’t ready for the intimacy involved with sex or a relationship. “If I sleep with a woman, I’ll get attached, and I’ll get all fucked up.” He admitted to having done that before. A couple times. With women that were “totally cool and didn’t deserve that.” He led them to believe that they would see him again, slept with both, and then gave them both the pink slip days later when they each sent him email messages expressing interest in seeing him again. He told them that there would not be a repeat. And then he thanked them. For the sex? I have no idea. When one of them asked if he had lied when he told them he would see her again, he copped to it and said “Yes.” One took her profile down from the site almost immediately.

I grimaced when he told me that. I knew what that meant. He was the straw that broke the camel’s back. He was that guy/girl. The one that comes at the end of a string of bad dates that leave people burnt out and cause them to take a dating break. And there he was, still on the site, still going out with women. Maybe he was hoping there would be one woman that fixed him, that healed him. He, too, had broken up with someone about a year before.

The day after our date he took down his profile. But not before he sent me an email and thanked me “for being real.” He said he was going to take a hiatus from the site and “work on himself.”

I guess we assume that men are always down to fuck, or DTF, as the kids say. Apparently not.

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What’s Your Recipe For Great Sex?

I disagree with some of this stuff. Enthusiasm goes a long way. But, for me, a woman’s looks go much, much further to create good sex than anything that she can “do” to impress me. A really hot woman can literally just “lie there” and I’d still be pretty happy. After that, novelty is most important. So, all else equal, someone new to me is better than someone I’v known a long time. Maybe that’s TMI or just me. Sorry.

As for this:

“Everything – the head, the heart and the loins – all converge and create this intense, tempestuous experience that leaves you depleted. You can’t quantify it, or explain it, or define it. It’s electric. Their touch sends shivers down your body. Their gaze while you’re physically connected is unbroken. They react with subtle yet guttural moans and sighs at the sensation of your lips and mouth. You’re both right there, present in the moment, acting and reacting.”

All that can be faked. People will act or tell you how great the sex is because it makes you feel good and not because the sex is anything special. As I said above, doesn’t take much for sex to be really great. (Thank goodness for that) So, in general, I don’t believe in special “sexual chemistry” between two people. It’s mostly in the mind of the person who thinks they’re experiencing it. – DMN

that’s true. i usually lie there most of the time and my BF doesn’t seem to mind. He loves to just see my body. but he has to work for it, of course, because the physical appearance is not equal. – Phil

 

I’ll get to DMN in a second. Phil (who is a female), if you’re just lying there, and he’s pumping away on top of you, he’s probably not really looking at your body. I’m not sure how or why you would ever think that was a compliment. I’m not sure what exactly he’s working for, other than his own orgasm, because if you’re just lying there like a fish you’re probably not getting off. That might work with a guy who isn’t your physical equal or desperate. But with most men, men with options, that’s going to get your tight round ass dropped like a hot rock.

As for you DMN….I’ve said before that I don’t believe in this whole idea of chemistry. But I do believe in compatibility and that certain pairs of people can be better sexually compatible than others. I also think a lot of how you define “great sex” is based on what you’re needs and intentions are. If your goal is just to get off, then you’re right. Most if not all sex will be “great sex.”

I’m not sure how many people have seen the movie Unfaithful with Diane Lane. If you have, then you’ll understand what I’m talking about when I say that there’s just some sex that you have that transcends other experiences. You can’t put your finger on why it’s so good, either. You just know that when you’re experiencing it. You’re not in full control any more. Something just takes you over. It’s this special recipe of attraction and emotion and tension and maybe even a little resistance. Like you don’t fully let yourself go or you hold back to some degree because you’re afraid if you don’t you’ll totally lose yourself in it.

Could I be projecting my own fantasies of my lover? Sure. But I’d like to think I’m a bit more honest with myself than to convince myself of something that doesn’t exist. I’m not suggesting that we engage in some kind of mind meld. He has his own definition and perception of things, I’m sure. But I know he and I agree that what we experience is undefinable, intense and mutual.

Some people lie. I’m not arguing that.

But some people don’t. Not everyone is filling their lover’s head with lies just to get in to their shorts.

 

 

 

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Any Port In a Storm – The Argument for Sleeping With Married People

Im going to throw this topic at you …multiple part question….and see how you tackle it.  :)
BEING SINGLE ..and SLEEPING WITH MARRIED PEOPLE.

Setting aside religious beliefs, Is it right ?  Is it wrong ?  Do you believe in the whole karma aspect ?
If you’re SINGLE and consort with and sleep with married people, is it preventing you from having a REAL relationship of your own ??  (Keep in mind, I am FINE with being single and happy.  I’m 38 and would LIKE to be in a relationship with the RIGHT person, but until THAT person comes along, I will keep doing what I’m doing  :)    )

Here is My theory:
My whole outlook about married women is: If I WANT to enjoy fucking so n so …and she is making herself available to Me …WHY not? Whether it’s only once ..or once a month, just like a good dinner or fine wine,  I like to indulge. :) :)

I can’t sit there and worry about HER marriage and why she feels the need to stray etc. Im DEF NOT the type to break up a marriage and DEF never have ..in fact, I feel my sleeping with these women HELPS their marriage.  Why?  Because they are obviously lacking SOMETHING in their relationship (not necessarily the sex)  So, if I provide whatever that may be and they are more content as a WHOLE.  They now go home and are happier people.  Miserable people tend to bail and break up.  Content people tend to hang in there.

Women make LOTS of mistakes lol ..BUT when a woman KNOWS what she wants ..she knowsss what she wants. She may not be able to UNdo (or may not WANT to UNdo the mistake of picking the wrong guy to marry..due to kids, finances, etc.) BUT she CAN choose who to fuck that makes her feel how she WANTS to feel. Enter: Me. lol  (..and I dont necessarily mean make her feel JUST physically …because when it comes to me ..its more of a connection that has nothing to do WITH sex …but eventually leads TO sex :) :) )

I look forward to hearing your thoughts, Moxie !  :)
~H

Okay, Andrew Dice Lay. I’ll take this challenge. :)

My whole outlook about married women is: If I WANT to enjoy fucking so n so …and she is making herself available to Me …WHY not?

This might not be popular, but I agree that you are not responsible for someone else’s marriage. You’re not the one who took the vows, they are. Do I believe in karma? Yep. I sure do. Listen, we can excuse it all we like. But we know that we are partaking in something that, if discovered, could destroy a relationship and someone’s ability to ever fully trust again. So while you’re not responsible for her marriage, you are responsible for your participation and the potential fall out from that. We tell ourselves whatever we need to, because usually we’re doing it for our own selfish reasons.

I feel my sleeping with these women HELPS their marriage.  Why?  Because they are obviously lacking SOMETHING in their relationship (not necessarily the sex)

I disagree with this. I think there are plenty of people – men and women – out there who cheat on their spouses for no other reason than they can and they want to have sex with someone else. I believe that many people are capable of compartmentalizing various aspects of their relationships and their lives. Meaning, they can engage in a sexual relationship with someone who isn’t their spouse and not feel guilty about it and, in some cases, actually feel entitled to it. They do it strictly because they want to. Their spouse could be servicing them nightly. They could have the strongest of emotional bonds. There doesn’t have to be a lack of  anything to compel some people to cheat. Well, that’s not true. What their primary relationship lacks is variety. Funny thing, that marriage. Traditionally it doesn’t allow you to screw other people.
I do agree that in some cases infidelity is a sign of trouble. There’s a disconnect somewhere. There have been studies saying that taking a lover can actually help your relationship. Personally, I think it’s because the guilt from cheating actually makes people remember why they fell in love with that person in the first place. They become so afraid of losing that person that they do what they can to rectify the situation – be more attentive or communicative, etc.  I feel that a lot of people who cheat want to get caught just so they’re partner will finally acknowledge and discuss the problems in their relationship.
Miserable people tend to bail and break up.  Content people tend to hang in there.
Wow. I totally disagree. When it’s between their own personal misery and the potential misery of their children or possible financial ruin, you’d be surprised how many people stick it out or try to fix their marriage.  You have a really limited view and understanding of marriage. Miserable couple stay together all the time. They just find work arounds to help them get through it.

If you’re SINGLE and consort with and sleep with married people, is it preventing you from having a REAL relationship of your own ??  (Keep in mind, I am FINE with being single and happy.  I’m 38 and would LIKE to be in a relationship with the RIGHT person, but until THAT person comes along, I will keep doing what I’m doing  :)    )

I think it depends on why you’re engaging in that particular relationship. If you’re in it strictly for the sex, then I don’t think it will prevent you from meeting someone else. That is, unless the sex is so good that all other sex pales in comparison.  If you’re getting something out of these relationships other than physical gratification, then yes, I think engaging in such arrangements will get in the way. These arrangements are placebos of sorts. They keep us going and convince of things that aren’t necessarily real or true. But we engage in these no strings situations anyway, knowing they might hurt us or keep us further from our goal. We get lonely, we’re lacking the stimulation and attention that having a partner provides. I’m certainly not justifying those instances where we get involved with someone who is taken. But loneliness is a powerful motivator sometimes. It can encourage someone to do just about anything if they don’t have the proper coping skills in place at that moment.

Women make LOTS of mistakes lol ..BUT when a woman KNOWS what she wants ..she knowsss what she wants. She may not be able to UNdo (or may not WANT to UNdo the mistake of picking the wrong guy to marry..due to kids, finances, etc.) BUT she CAN choose who to fuck that makes her feel how she WANTS to feel. Enter: Me. lol (..and I dont necessarily mean make her feel JUST physically …because when it comes to me ..its more of a connection that has nothing to do WITH sex …but eventually leads TO sex :) :) )

Just from reading your letter, there seems to be something about being The Go To Guy for these women that works for you. You like the idea of being their stud. So much so that you believe what they tell you.

Here’s the thing about people who cheat:

They lie.

They will say whatever it is they think will keep their side dish providing whatever it is that they want. Sure, maybe you’re giving it to them in ways their husbands don’t. Maybe you’re more well endowed. Whatever. They’re appealing to your ego because they feel like they have to. They know that’s why you’re doing it. It’s not just about the sex for you, I don’t think. It’s about the attention, how these women make you feel.

I think you want to believe whatever it is that makes you feel special to these women. You tell yourself, or maybe believe them when they say, that there’s something broken about their marriage. That way you can feel like a Savior of sorts. It could very well be that these women are married to men who are never around, who don’t pay them attention, etc. What you’re not getting is that they’re reaching out to you because they’re hurt. Or bored. Or horny. You’re just a port in a storm. Not so romantic or sexy when you realize it could be any warm body they’re lying next to, is it?

So this connection you say you form with them? It’s likely all in your head. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their relationship with their husband.  You’re filler. They’re actions are reactions to how their husbands make them feel and not so much how you make them feel. To put it bluntly, you ain’t that special. In some cases, they don’t even realize that. Anything to keep them from feeling what they’re feeling or not feeling.

Don’t kid yourself in to think you’re providing something their husband isn’t. That might be the case sometimes, but not always.

That just might be how you justify doing it in the first place.

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Under One Roof

This was mentioned in a recent post and Ifeel like it got overshadowed by the bigger topic.

I keep hearing stories about people who dated for 3, 6, 9 months and then decided to live together. Which, to me, seems fast. But then everything has been sped up, hasn’t it? The courting process, the dating process, engagements. We’re not waiting around anymore. I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. It used to be that people moved in together because they believed the relationship would be permanent. It seems like now people move in together because it’s convenient. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t. Is this a sign we’re less commitment phobic than we were or just more lackadaisical? Or is it the economy. :)

For me, living together is a step towards long term commitment. But it seems like many people nowadays live together out of some sort of convenience. A few months ago we discussed the phenomenon of how couples in the middle of a divorce who live with their exes under the same roof.

Are more people living together simply for financial reasons? Because they both live bust lives and living together allows them to spend more time together? or as a trial run for something more long term?

What are you reasons for living with someone?

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