Name: Starshine
Age: 30
State: NYC
Question: I was just reading the “Connection Without Commitment” article posted on your blog and was thinking about a new category that could be added into dating websites to help clarify men and women’s intentions on these sites. How about just adding a “friends with benefits” category under the “looking for” question? That category would indicate that a person was looking for a “connection without commitment”, but more than “casual sex”, and then men and women wouldn’t have to explain their ambivalence any longer! Perfecto!

Most dating sites DO have a category for this sort of thing. It’s called “short term dating.” It’s code for “dating and having sex but without exclusivity or obligation.”

Casual sex. Friends With Benefits. F**k Buddies. These are terms that I believe were created by women. These three terms are interchangeable in my mind. There is no differentiation amongst them. They all mean the same thing.

I will have sex with you but not date you. Dress it up however you like. It all comes down to that.

You can call eat “eating ice cream.” It still has the exact same definition. To men, it’s all sex without commitment.Men don’t need to distinguish between sex with a friend versus sex with a stranger. Women do. Here again is another example of how we need to clarify and identify our relationships. The need to know what, exactly, a dynamic is or isn’t is inherently female. It’s our way of maintaining control. The issue of emotional and physical safety is used as the reasoning, but that has little to do with it. This is all about a woman’s paralyzing fear of being used.

There is no difference in my mind between a f**k buddy and a friend with benefits. That’s our way of justifying our decision to have sex with someone we know would never date us.

What does “friends with benefits” even mean? The saying implies that we have a friendship with someone, but that the only benefit is the sex. Some friendship. Most of the time, these people are not your friends. Sometimes they are. But often times they are people who would never pick up the phone to see how you are, nor would they come to your aide should you need it. Just because they ask about your day before they have sex with you doesn’t make them your friend. If they do show genuine interest in your life outside of the times that you’re beneath them naked, then you’re dating. Unfortunately, you’re dating someone who isn’t emotionally functional enough to admit that to themselves.

F**k buddy is another bogus term women use to describe a guy that they sleep with who shows no signs of care or interest in them. We use this term so that we can feel empowered.  It implies that we are capable of having sex without getting attached and devoid of emotion and don’t care whether or not the person we’re sleeping with gives a flying fart about us.  We are being used and we know it. We’re simply trying to flip the script and make it out like we’re the ones kicking them out of bed, when really they’re already dressed by the time we come down from our orgasm. We conjure up these beliefs in our head so we have something to talk about. Seriously. It’s all about creating drama and phony intimacy and feeling a fake sense of empowerment. It’s an illusion. All of it.

Yes, sometimes we are using these men right back, you’ll say. I know. But how often is that really the case? And why would we want to use somebody? And why would you want to have sex with someone that you knew didn’t care for or probably even like you?

Why are we so proud of our supposed ability to “use” a man? I’ll tell you why. Because we like to believe we are somehow punishing them. Let me enlighten you about something.  They don’t care why you’re having sex with them or what your agenda is. They will let you believe whatever you want, as long as it gets them laid and there is very little hassle involved.  That’s the difference. That’s where we are fooling ourselves.

Most men don’t consciously set out to “use” women. Some do. But most men don’t have sex with a woman with the intention of never seeing her again. The decision to do that comes AFTER the sex has occurred. Before that point there are too many unknown variables like whether or not she’s good in bed, does she get clingy or attach expectations, etc. If it’s good and she doesn’t freak out, they’ll come back for more.

Even if these sites did have a category that was more specific, few men would actually use it. They know it will impede their ability to meet women. That doesn’t mean they’re being dishonest. They’re just not willing to be totally honest. (Frankly, nobody should be that honest in their dating profile.) They are playing their odds, saying what needs to be said and doing what needs to be done.

Repeat after me: I t all means nothing until it means everything. That should be your mantra.

Approach every interaction knowing this and you won’t need a silly label.