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Moxie 101: There’s No Such Thing As Having Sex Too Soon

February 4, 2013 by 13 Comments

Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy. I broke all my rules…I drank too much, slept with him (letting the wild girl come out-which I have never done). He only texted me a few times and called once. He said he wants to get together again but working a lot. After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!! He did not sex back except to say he is getting horny and will see me soon. I am embarrassed. If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex. I am not normally like this, so should I apologize and explain who I normally am ( a good, caring, mature, responsible, not party animal kinda of girl) or do I just stop texting and if he does text or call just not defend myself?

Photo Credit – roblang.photoshelter.com

 

If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex.

That’s because you’re a woman. A guy wouldn’t find your desire to have sex a bad thing. You’re thinking like a woman. The fact that you care what he thinks means you’re not just in it for the sex. You made a decision and now you’re all in your head because you’ve been trained to believe that women who have sex too soon are slutty and bad and blah blah blah . He’s not not seeing you because you were so “wild” in bed.He’s not seeing you because he has options. Either that or he was never terribly interested in the first place and took the sex you offered him.

I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy.

That was your first mistake. Had you and this guy genuinely connected, you wouldn’t have needed to sext him. He isn’t treating you like a booty call option because you had omigod “wild” sex with him.  You didn’t disrupt true love’s design and now it’s going to come to get you like some rom com version of Final Destination. That connection was in your head. That you’re still believing that you and this guy had a connection is the real problem. The only time you should be having sex with a guy on the first, second, third whatever date is if you’re perfectly okay with the possibility that you might never get anything more than that from him. The sex should never be used to as a bartering chip. That’s not to say that you won’t ever get more than sex. You just can’t use sex for anything other than personal pleasure if you wish to avoid what it is that you’re feeling right now.

Women like to imagine that there was some magical connection between themselves and a guy so they can justify doing exactly what you did. You wanted to have sex. That’s it. That’s why you’re remembering that date the way you are. It’s selective recall. You are embarrassed at what you did and are now choosing to see that date as something that it wasn’t.

The real question is…why did you want to have sex? Was it because you were horny and you like sex? Ehh…I’m guessing no. More likely, you thought showing him how “wild” you were in bed was going to make him like you more and keep you interested. If you just wanted to have sex you wouldn’t care a whit what he was thinking about you or whether he was judging you. That’s what sexual empowerment is all about: making a choice, owning it and never apologizing for it. Don’t you dare send that guy a text and explain yourself. You don’t owe him or anybody else an explanation or apology. Not only that but doing that will make you way too vulnerable. If he wasn’t using you before, he sure as hell will once you back pedal on your decision to have sex with him. Never let a man or woman know they’ve got you on the ropes.

 After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!!

And? You didn’t beat a school bus full of kids with a sack of puppies. The only thing you did wrong was try to use the promise of sex to get attention from a man. That’s what makes what you did awkward. That just doesn’t work. Sure, you might get a response, but more often than not the guy sees that bone that you’re offering as a trap. Most men know that when a woman offers sex, and just sex, there’s usually some strings attached. That’s why many men don’t take that bait.

I’ve explained this before…despite what your friends might tell you, men like slutty women. Slutty is okay. Men date slutty women. Men marry slutty women. But there’s slutty and then there’s…slutty. The former is a woman who likes sex and has it when she wants without giving much care for what the man or her friends or society might think if they knew. That’s the key. If they knew. The latter type of slutty are the women who broadcast or otherwise use their sexuality to get attention or validation.  Those women are liabilities. They’re usually insecure or damaged in some way and use sex to fill a void.

Leave it alone. This situation isn’t right for you. You’re way too in your head and second guessing yourself. It won’t end well. He’s clearly not terribly interested in you, so just file that one away and learn from the experience. Do not do what so many women do and tell yourself that you somehow screwed up your chance at finding a boyfriend. The sex had nothing to do with it. He was never going to be your boyfriend.

 

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Last Night's Column, Moxie 101, Moxie Rant, Sex, Sexting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Mystery of The Disappearing Dick

January 18, 2013 by 14 Comments

Name: Alexis
Age: 21
State: Georgia
Question: I’ve been talking to this guy for about a week and things were going great until he ask for “pics” of me. Our conversations were really good up until that point, I told him I don’t do that, but he kept asking. Prior to that he was telling me what he wanted to do to me. Then he sent me a “pic” and I told him what I thought about it. The other night he asked again about the pictures because he said “just one to get me off” so I told him “there are millions of other pictures that can get you off” he said that he only wanted to look at me, which is sweet, but come on. Then i just finally snapped. I told him it’s late and I’m not taking any pics. Now ever since that little conversation we haven’t been talking as much. He used to text all the time and now nothing. So now I’m thinking of that old saying “what one won’t another will”. I think since I didn’t send them he had someone else do it. He claimed he wanted something real, but what his actions are telling me a different story.

Was there a question here? It sounds like you solved the Mystery of The Disappearing Dick (Pic) all on your own. Boy meets girl. Boy talks sexy (or “sexy” since most men suck at this) in hopes of getting a woman all worked up. Girl jerks boy off via Skype or a cam or Ghat. And…scene. That’s all he wanted from the start. He wasn’t genuinely interested in you. He just was trying to get you to help him get off. He doesn’t even have to be attracted to you to do it.

I know that it sucks to have interesting conversations with someone thinking they genuinely liked talking to you. I’m sorry that you feel abandoned in some way. It’s not fun. I’ve been there, and it feels pretty cold and disappointing to get this attention and then have it taken away. All I can tell you is that this guy’s feelings or interest never changed, because it never existed in the first place. He likely had a few women he was communicating with and, yes, I’m sure one or two are giving him what he wants.

There are guys on these sites who will engage women strictly for the stroke material. They’ll feign all kinds of interest and say all sorts of disingenuous things. It’s kind of crushing when you learn the things they said weren’t real. Almost as crushing as believing that you had forged some semblance of a connection with someone only to find out it never truly existed. This is something that, admittedly, I have a hard time with.

I’ve met guys online that I really enjoyed chatting with and would absolutely have stayed friends with them if things didn’t take us to a romantic or physical place. Being someone who places a high importance on a certain level of social aptitude combined with being a person who works in a very non-traditional and somewhat self-isolating/intimidating niche, I do what I can to maintain some form of a relationship with anybody who “gets me.” I’ve spoken of my psychologist Ex. We still talk and occasionally hang out to this day. I enjoy having him in my life because he’s someone I can bounce ideas off of and discuss things that, for the most part, my friends either don’t really understand or care about. Someone who truly gets me or who is as fascinated by a certain topic as I am is a rare thing, and I tend to hold on to those connections.

You’re right that this guy never wanted anything real. A guy can be bored or looking for spank material and decide to engage someone he saw on a dating site. Some guys are just like that. That’s why, unless you’re comfortable making yourself that vulnerable, you need to stay away from having conversations that cross over into “too intimate” territory. You also can’t complain if a guy pesters you for sexy pictures if you sit there and involve yourself or indulge their attempt at naughty banter. That’s not to be confused with “flirty” banter. It’s not flirty. It’s a blatant attempt to get some form of sexual gratification. No man who is genuinely interested in you will go for that without meeting you.  In general, you should avoid any kind of sex/oooh this is what I want to do to you talk with someone you haven’t met for one reason. Because if you do meet and the chemistry isn’t there, you’ll feel really stupid. I did this once. Once was enough.

I was damn skippy sure the physical chemistry was a given. But it wasn’t.  I did not handle that situation well. The next day he apologized for making the situation worse than it had to be and admitted to contributing to it. He said I should learn to take rejection better. I clarified to him that the rejection wasn’t what made me angry. I’m a 40something year old, size 10 woman in Manhattan. I can handle rejection. It’s not like I can’t wrap my brain around it. The rejection stung, of course, especially since I wasn’t allowed the courtesy to process that privately. He decided to tell me while we were on the date. The angry reaction came from feeling as though I had been held hostage for 2 hours while he formulated an escape plan, a plan that involved showering me with compliments and then telling me I was too [insert positive attribute] to date. I felt that was insulting to my intelligence. The next day he shared that he took so long to tell me because he was hoping the attraction would materialize but it never did. Could be true. Probably wasn’t. Doesn’t much matter at this point. It was uncomfortable for both of us and was a good lesson learned: keep the expectations to a minimum. The higher the expectations, the more likely it is that you will be disappointed.

My purpose in telling you this, Alexis, is that you need to do what you can to avoid these kind of disappointment and embarrassment. Starting with disengaging from any conversation with someone you’ve met that takes on a sexual tone.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Low Hanging Fruit, Naughty, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

3 Types of Men Who Are “Just Looking For Sex”

December 17, 2012 by 3 Comments

One of the more common questions I receive from female readers is how they can spot the men who are “just” seeking sex. 

My answer is simple. Don’t try and learn how to spot or avoid them. Instead, figure out how to co-exist with them. I also try to enlighten them on the different types of men that fall under the “Just Want Sex” umbrella.

First, there are the Casual Sex Seekers. These are the guys who are looking for a no strings sexual encounter. The classic sign to watch out for, that many women often fall for, is their “refreshing honesty.” They’re the guys who tell you, in the middle of what seems like a perfectly great date, that they’re not looking for anything serious at the moment. They’ll probably go further and tell you how cool/sexy/a-MAH-zing you seem and they feel like they can be honest with you about where they stand. Hear this: this is NOT a compliment. What they’re telling you is that they think you’re okay enough to sleep with, but not date.  Many women give guys points for being upfront about what they want and hook up with the guy believing his spiel about how different and unique she is. A man who admits in his dating profile that he’s not looking for anything serious is telling you who he is. Listen. Don’t make the mistake of praising him for being honest. People are supposed to be honest. If his profile is staggeringly offensive, it’s because he genuinely doesn’t care what women think of him. In a bad way. These are the men who will tell you that they think you’d make a great fuck buddy. Again this is not. a. compliment.

Next you have the Casual Relationship Seekers. Don’t be fooled by the label. These men do want a relationship. They just don’t want commitment. These men either don’t wish to agree to exclusivity or don’t have to. On top of that, we have all of the cultural and economic shifts that have played a part in women choosing to go their own way. They, too, don’t have to settle down. Like their male counterparts, they’ve begun to enjoy the benefits of romantic and sexual variety. The downside to this sexual liberation is that the value of sex has decreased in the sexual market place. That means that sex no longer can be used as a viable bargaining chip. For every one woman who chooses to hold out on sex until a man agrees to commit, there’s many others who don’t. Now men have enough options to keep them more than satisfied for the foreseeable future without having to give much up in return.

These men are looking for consistent companionship and sex. How will you be able to spot them? Only by telling them what it is you hope to come from the relationship and asking if he wants the same thing. Even then there are no guarantees that he’ll be honest.

Finally, you have the Long Term Daters. Yes, you heard right. These men actually do want a committed relationship. These guys often get confused with the Casual Sex Seekers because they choose to end the relationship soon after beginning a sexual relationship. Many women choose to believe that sex was what these men were after all along. That’s a much easier pill to swallow than admitting that maybe the man didn’t feel she lived up to his standards in some way.

While being cautious doesn’t necessarily hurt, it can lend to a false sense of security. That’s what gets women into trouble. Focus gets shifted to the innocuous and usually empty gestures. There is no amount of Facebook creeping that will save you from the Pump & Dumper. Just because he pays for all the dates doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. A post-coital am text after sleeping together for the first time is usually done because men know women expect that.  Much of that stuff is just a means to an end, the end being more sex.

Many women have been programmed by girlfriends to believe that being the victim of a pump a dump is the worst possible thing to happen to a single woman. You know what? That’s a lie. If anything, women need to endure this and various other dating disappointments in order to collect experiences and learn from them. There are no blue ribbons awarded at the end of our lives to the women who were pumped and dumped the least. The best thing a woman could do is tune out all the white noise they hear from friends about having sex too soon and how a man will deem you a slut for it. Have sex when you want to have sex, because you want to have sex. Those are the only rules you should follow. There are plenty of men who won’t judge you for choosing to have sex “too soon.” If they are intimidated by that, then that is about their own ego and personal insecurities. It has nothing to do with you.

The take away here should be that there really is no sure fire way to avoid men “just” looking for sex. If you’re truly afraid of encountering a man who will dump you after you sleep with him, then the only remedy for that is to stay home and never date again.

The real solution is to understand how men think. Accept the premise that men in general do not have expectations about sex other than more sex.  And, men will generally always take sex if offered or available, even if they have no special expectations or intentions about the relationship becoming “more.”  If you can commit these two points to memory, then you’ll have nothing to fear. You’ll have appropriated your expectations, thereby alleviating the potential for embarrassment or disappointment. What’s the point in having sex if you can’t fully experience and enjoy it?


gg

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Filed Under: Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Does She Keep Attracting Unavailable Men?

November 20, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: M
Age: 28
State: TX
Question: I’m an attractive 28 year old single girl, and I seem to attract married men or men in relationships moreso than any of my friends, and moreso than I seem to attract single men. I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few, though never with the intention or expectation that it would turn into anything serious, because obviously I could never trust them as a boyfriend or anything but if I’m sexually attracted to them and the timing is right, you know… whatever (in one case I found myself getting attached so I ended it to prevent a truly ugly situation).

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along. Some of my friends have told me because I’m really confident, carefree and give off a kind of “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, this is very attractive & exciting for men who aren’t looking for something serious and are probably tired of their nagging wives/girlfriends. And they say it’s this sort of demeanor that keeps away the single guys because I just come off as someone looking for fun. But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own. So which one is it?? I am a little quirky, have a “strong” personality (I am told) definitely smart and have been told I’m really funny, but shouldn’t that make me equally as attractive to single men as married/taken men? Or are married men just more brave about approaching me (or any woman) because they know their status makes them sexually non-threatening and I’m the one who attracts them by actually entertaining their advances??  Why is this happening and how do I turn this tide? Please help!

I don’t seek out these taken men, but I have entertained their advances at times and have definitely “gone there” with a few.

Okay. There’s your answer as to why you “seem” to attract a lot of married or otherwise available men. These men will hit on anybody. It’s not something special or unique about you. But they pursue or push the issue with you because you entertain them. I’m not judging. While I’ve never gone the married man route, I’ve absolutely engaged and involved myself with men who had girlfriends.I liked the idea (aka the lie) of fulfilling something that the man’s girlfriend didn’t. The compliment was in the delusion that they were somehow choosing me over someone else.  It wasn’t until one particularly toxic and unfortunate situation that began almost 6 years about that still rears its ugly head to this day did I really understand how insulting and disingenuous these types of advances are. Right now, you think these men get involved with you because there’s something special about you. Something better than their “nagging” wives. Newsflash: A man could be very happily married and love his wife and still want sex with other women. The two can be mutually exclusive. That “I don’t give a fuck” attitude your friends suggest that you have? That’s not a compliment. Not from your friends and not from the men. What they are telling you is that maybe people see you as someone with no moral compass. It’s one thing to behave that way. It’s another to demonstratively show no shame in behaving that way.

These men are not honing in on your because of your carefree attitude or strong personality or sexuality. They aren’t honing in on you at all. They just take it to the next level with you because you allow it. Why do you allow it? I don’t know.Only you know that. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re so just so incredible that available men don’t have the stones to approach you. When, quite possibly, you don’t want them in the first place.

I only really ever entertain the advances of taken men because I feel like they are the only ones I ever get, and to me its just something to keep me busy until a good single guy comes along.

Maybe you don’t want a single guy? Like I said above, I’ve been in your shoes and that’s how I used to think, too. “Oh, I’m just biding my time until an available guy comes along.” There are available guys everywhere, if you look for them. But I wasn’t looking for them. I wasn’t looking for unavailable guys. I just wasn’t looking, period.

How do you turn the tide? You start by being honest with yourself about what you want and are capable of giving. There are a lot of grave mistakes that women make as they search for love. One of the biggest is the constant cognitive dissonance under which they function. They tell themselves one thing, but their behavior and actions say the complete opposite. If you truly wanted an available guy, you’d be with one. You choose unavailable men because those men work for you. Why? Well, I’ll throw out a few of possibilities. One, you like the attention and ego stroke that comes from convincing yourself you somehow are better than their wives. Two, you like your freedom and don’t need a serious commitment. You can get through life’s more trying moments on your own, but enjoy a little company now and then. Three, you like to know what you’re getting. Screwing an unavailable guy comes with instructions and an expiration date. You like that. There are no guessing games. You know it will end.

But this confuses me, because at the same time everyone says guys are totally unattracted to girls who seem like they really want a boyfriend and it’s usually when you’re not looking and are content to be on your own is when people find you most attractive and I’m definitely content & confident on my own.

Just because you’re available doesn’t mean you’re desperate. You probably are content on your own. So much so that you don’t want or need much more than that. There’s no rule that says you have to seek a relationship. I’m sure there are plenty of guys who don’t have wives or girlfriends who can deliver what it is you seek. It seems implausible to me that you don’t ever seem to meet them. They’re everywhere. Which leads me to think that there’s something specific to these entanglements with unavailable men that attracts you. Maybe it’s the understood and inevitable end. Or maybe you just don’t like other women. I don’t know.

You get something from sleeping with married men. Figure out what that is and you’ll have your course of action as to how to change the path.

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Filed Under: Beware, Cheating, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Myths, Douchey Guys, Girlfriends & Sabotage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Know That Your Privates Are Private?

October 20, 2012 by 17 Comments

I had a brief back and forth with Petite Provocateur (@LaProvocateur) on Twitter yesterday. We were debating  a point in this article.

And, when it comes to making porn together, Spencer Burnett recommends that this only happen in an incredibly trusting relationship. This is because guys share everything (yes, that even includes those naughty little sexts that you send him late at night) so, eventually, your little movie session will get out.

There were a few points in this article that I thought were utter nonsense, but this was the main one. Maybe it’s because I’m an Old and most of the men I date are late thirties to early fifties, but I simply don’t believe that grown men do this sort of thing. My girlfriends don’t even discuss much of their sex lives with me and vice versa. I don’t know. I think there comes a point where you just no longer need the validation from peers. Since I keep all of my old phones and laptops, I still have sexts, emails and pics from past relationships/flings/hook ups. Other than an inane email exchange I had with someone from my past several months ago written with the intention of proving his innocence to someone else, I highly doubt such conversations are being distributed to third parties.

I see women on Twitter talking about cock shots and comparing notes/passing hem around. But in those cases those men who sent such photos want them to get out. They’re digital flashers. The send such photos with the intention of offending and shocking women so that they’ll post such pics to Twitter or show them off at their next cocktailing session. (See what I did there?)

Whether it’s physical or emotional nudity, if you put it out there, you want it seen. You want it discussed.You want the eyeballs. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t put it out there. We want the criticism and the adoration and the hate and the love. Pretending we don’t is disingenuous. I was reading a profile one on OKCupid. The guy decided that was the place to reveal that, when he was younger, his apartment was broken in to and he was tied up and abused by the burglar and was only saved because a visitor dropped by his apartment. (*crinkles eyebrows in doubt*)Then he adds that he doesn’t want to discuss this horrible situation on a date and asks that woman not ask him about it should they meet.Um..what?

Anyhoo, back to the original point.

I don’t believe that mature men share private or intimate details of their sex lives with their friends.

There was one other point that was brought up in my Twitter chat that I thought would make for interesting discussion.

My experience is to the contrary. I’m quite sure even my bf has shared a photo or two with his one closet friend.

ATWYSingle's avatar
ATWYSingle @ATWYSingle

Then you should break up with your boyfriend.

 

I’m not sure I’d be so calm if I knew my guy was showing his friends our sexts or pics we sometimes send to each other. That would make me feel like I was just something ornamental to him. Not functional. It could be that that is a particular kink (exhibitionism)  that both parties in a couple share, so it works.   Kind of like dating someone who likes being written about or discussed publicly. The writer fulfills their partner’s exhibitionist tendencies by talking about the partner in a public forum. I’ve always found that people who enjoyed that sort of thing were particularly self-involved and immature. That’s why I always turn down/avoid any guy who tells me, without me asking, that I can write about them. To each his own on that one. I’m sure for some it can work. It just never worked for me.

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Filed Under: Article Roundup 2, Date Like a Man, Dating, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality, Social Media, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Trouble With Using Sex To Get A Guy To Notice You

July 6, 2012 by 7 Comments

Name: Anna
Age: 29
State: England
Website:
Question: I have been flirting with this guy. Online and in person. But I recently told him I had a dirty dream about him and he didn’t respond asking me for details. I thought this was strange. Does this mean he isn’t in to me anymore?

 

It probably means he’s waiting for you to extrapolate on said sexy dream. You need to understand that many people know when they are being baited. You were baiting him, wanting him to show you that he was interested in hearing this sexy dream. The problem with that is that, even if he did show interest, that doesn’t mean he actually cares.

Someone said in the comments recently that guys might sext with a woman that he’s not attracted to just to jerk off. It doesn’t really mean anything. Neither does flirting. Flirting is easy to do, and often times it’s done with absolutely no intention other than to get attention.

You’re a woman of almost 30. Not a teenager. If you want this guy to know about all the fantasies swirling around in your head, you need to tell him. You also need to learn when you’re being used for an ego or penis stroke. If he didn’t respond or follow up with you, then it’s safe to say that you’re just someone he uses for an ego stroke. You gave him an opening to make plans to hook up. He didn’t take it. Move on. If he wanted you, or if you were anywhere near the top of his dating queue, he’d try to see you. But of course, he’d do that expecting to have sex with you. So if you don’t plan on putting out, it’s best that you let this sleeping dog lie. If you do hook up with him, you’ll wonder if he “only” wanted sex and things will eventually unravel.

This is the problem with using sex to get a guy’s attention. In most cases, we’re only using it because we feel we have to. Not because we want to. If that’s the case, then that should tell you how interested these men are.

We’ve talked about the articles from The Frisky where the author publicly discusses her kinkiness and love of spankings. I’m also sure you’ve read countless other articles and blogs from women braying about how sexual they are. Nine times out of ten, those women freeze up or implode when it comes time to have sex. They want the guy to be more gentlemanly or show them more favor before they ever gain access to their naughty bits. That’s because the person they project publicly or outwardly is not aligned with who they really are.

You can be as sexually assertive as you like. But if you can not handle the fact that that man will actually want to have sex with you, or will take that ball and run with it and speak to or treat you as a woman who likes sex, then you need to keep this stuff to yourself.

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Filed Under: Dating, Servicey!, Sex, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Is All Fair In Love & War?

February 19, 2012 by 54 Comments

I have a question.  I met this guy at the gym, we would talk every time we would see each other.  He seemed like a really down to earth guy.  He finally flirted w me and I said well “maybe you should give me your number”, he gladly took mine and called me to ensure I had his. I texted him a few times then straight up asked him if he had a girlfriend:  he responded yes but we can be friends.  We exchanged pictures and he asked if he could see me.  I said no because he had a girlfriend.  He understood and we continued to text.  I spoke to him on the phone and can tell he is not a scumbag dude.  He mentioned that he liked me and said “we can be friends right”? He has been w his girlfriend for 6 months and they don’t live together.

So the question is….is it ok to go out with this guy?  Your thoughts and poll please? – Traci

 

Here’s the reality. You’re going to go out with him regardless of what I say. You’ve already continued to engage this guy even after he told you he had a girlfriend. There’s no point in playing coy with him. He knows he has you, so you might as well just give in.

You’re saying the right thing, that he has a girlfriend and getting together would be wrong, but even you don’t believe that. You don’t really care. And look, I’ve been there. I justified it, too. And in the end it bit me in the ass. Here’s why: because it waives you the right to complain about how he was a cheater later. You were okay with him cheating when he was cheating with you. It when he cheats *on* you that you have a problem. It makes you a hypocrite and you end up feeling really crappy about yourself. Most of all, it strips you of any leverage. When it blows up in your face, as it often does, you can do nothing but sit on your hands unless you want to be the “crazy girl.” That, too, is a giant waste of time. Anybody who stays with guys like this are in their own personal circle of hell. No need to make it worse for them. These guys rarely date women who are secure and confident. They date women who look the other way because they’re too afraid to face the truth. These guys like drama, despite their claims to the contrary.

Now, let’s play another angle. 6 months? They don’t live together? He’s fair game. He’s not married, he’s not even engaged. He’s probably not totally in to this woman or else he wouldn’t be risking his relationship to exchange what I’ll bet were at the very least risque photos with some random girl he met at his gym. Of course, consider what you’ll be getting: a guy hitting on women at the gym behind your back.

Would it be nice if everybody kept their paws off Other People’s Property? Of course. But that’s not realistic. If there is one thing that sends ice water through some women’s veins it’s the idea that there are women out there who think nothing of sleeping with their man. Or any man, really. Without sex, these women have no power. And if there is another woman out there offering it up, then those women are forced to up their game.  This is why so many women have contempt for women who “give it up too soon” or for porn or prostitution. The more available sex becomes, the less control they have over their man. It terrifies them. As does the reality that a sense of obligation or fear of repercussions, and not a fear of losing them, is usually what keeps men faithful. Or at least prevents them from getting caught. It’s always the people who say that they’re partner would “never” do such a thing that end up with egg on their face. Trust me. Under certain circumstances, there is no such thing as never. We’re all capable of it, despite what some of the perch sitters might say. (And FYI? The people who say they would “never” screw around with someone who is already taken either have and lost OR they’ve never even gotten enough experience to get close to trying.)

This is yet another experience people need to go through to get to that higher level of understanding how the whole dating thing works. You have to know what it’s like to realize you could at any moment lose your partner in order to realize how important it is to keep them happy. You have to know what it’s like to hear someone say all the right things and then blindside you by dumping you. You have to learn that there are unscrupulous people out there and absolutely no guarantees or safeties.

OP, do what you want. Just don’t expect much in return.

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Filed Under: Book, Cheating, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Douchey Guys, Latests Posts, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Beware The Ghosts of Booty Calls Past

December 20, 2011 by 1 Comment

It usually starts the night before Thanksgiving.

Bzzzt…a new text.

“Hey you. Just wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving!”

But…you’re British…why would you be…oooooooh.

Thus begins a stream of texts that we all get from the Wednesday before Thanksgiving right up until about the day before New Year’s Eve. As I joked on Twitter, someone could make a fortune by creating a Booty Text Advent Calendar. Behind each little window or door could be a picture of that guy or girl you met on Match. Maybe put a little milk chocolate cell phone in each slot as a reward for not replying.

The holidays serve as a perfect excuse for people from whom you haven’t heard in many, many months to get back in touch. Then, if you tell them to go eff themselves, you’ll look like a Screwge and they can say they were just trying to be nice.

The danger in sending these texts is that, well, some people don’t look at the calendar and make the connection. They actually think whomever is texting them is sincerely reaching out. Only…they usually aren’t.They’re probably mass texting you, too.

That’s the thing about holidays. They make people want companionship. People want to have the feeling of being in a relationship even though they aren’t. Or they just want to get laid and figure the recipient will be more amenable to an out of the blue text.

Loneliness can be worse at the holidays. Your friends are out of town. You’ve got time off from work. You keep seeing Facebook Updates of all your friends announcing engagements or posting photos of themselves on vacation with their significant others. The holidays have a way of wearing even the most self-sufficient person down. We want to believe in the magic of the holidays. We envision a kiss on New Year’s Eve or standing under mistletoe. Suddenly all those dumb Lifetime movies seem…sweet. So what do we do? We head for our cell phones and scroll through our contacts. Or we head over to Facebook and cruise or friends list or Twitter followers. Who’s around? Who’s single? Okay. They’ll do.

Before you hit Send or Reply, remember these little tips:

1. If you don’t celebrate the holiday, don’t wish someone a Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah or Great Thanksgiving. It’s phony and a dead giveaway.

2. Don’t open with “have you been naughty or nice?” – This just screams “I have no social skills and no game.”

3. Make sure you remember how you left things - Nothing is more awkward than contacting someone that you blew off and never contacted. Or if you originally told them you didn’t see long term potential. Sure, maybe your perspective and standards have changed. But theirs may not have. They might still think you’re a jerk.Don’t re-open a wound just because you’re all sad face.

4. Don’t go for the kill right away – A New Year’s Eve date? Really? You’ll look lonely and desperate. Start out with an invite to coffee a couple days before. Yes, Virginia, there is a protocol to these kinds of things.Texts sent the night before a holiday are quite transparent. Yeah, sorry. Event Holiday Booty Texts require a little effort.

5. If you just want sex, be clear about that – Like I said, not everybody gets that these texts are usually borne from some sort of holiday boredom/loneliness/horniness. It’s never nice to screw with someone just to screw with them. But it’s worse at the holidays.So don’t suggest a New Year’s Eve or Christmas Eve drink/date just to get laid unless you’re clear about your intentions.

6. If they cut off all contact, don’t use this as a way to get back in to their good graces - Holiday cheer, holiday schmeer. You’re looking for an excuse to contact them. You’ll look like you’ve been waiting for that day just to have an excuse to reach out to them. Don’t.

7. Remember…you broke up/stopped seeing each other for a reason - Don’t let the holidays make you nostalgic. The month on the calendar or a Nativity scene will not make you more compatible.  You’ve done so good these past few months by not contacting them. You’re moving on. You even put up that great OKCupid profile. Don’t throw yourself off the wagon!

8. Don’t call the Booty Texter out - Yeah, you know what they’re doing. But is there really a point to being all “Oh no you di’int!!” Just don’t reply or respond with a “Happy Holidays! Take care!” You don’t need the aggravation.

Side note: The holidays can have moments of real suckage for some people. Including couples. They fight over whose house to visit and how long. One of them wants to stay home. Both sides have their own reason for dreading the holidays. But they don’t last. It’s a stretch of a few weeks. If the loneliness really gets to you, go out and do something for someone else. Like:

1. Go buy a toy and bring it to a church, place of worship or charity. You could also volunteer at a shelter.

2. Volunteer to walk people’s dogs while they’re away. Better yet, go to an animal shelter and volunteer time to walk rescued dogs. I’ve been doing this for the past few months and I love it.

3. Contact a living center for the elderly and offer to visit the residents. Or knock on the doors of people in your building and see if they need anything or any help with shopping. It sucks being alone, but it sucks worse when you can’t get around.

4. Come up with a holiday upgrade plan .Develop a workout plan and hit the gym harder. Plan a vacation or big purchase and come up with a savings schedule.

5. Get laid. Yeah, I said it. Just don’t do it with someone that already has a few strikes against them.

6. Have a bunch of dates. Set up a few dates for the holidays. Give yourself something to look forward to and to plan for. While I don’t think OKCupid is great for finding a relationship, it’s fantastic for finding dates. So go create a profile and send out some emails. Stay out there! Don’t hide away in your apartment.Remember….life can change on a dime. You might be single today, but you could be toasting someone new at Midnight on Dec 31. It can happen that quickly and easily.

7. Plan a get together of friends after the holidays.  Again, this will give you something to look forward to. Go to Facebook and create a “Thank God The Holidays Are Over Happy Hour.”

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Latests Posts, Sex, Texting Tagged With: , , , , ,

What’s The One Thing You Could Improve/Change About Dating?

December 4, 2011 by 8 Comments

In preparation for our upcoming Date Smarter Salon on Dec 7th, I’m writing the outline and companion e-guide.  We’re going to be covering a lot of topics in the class. Such as:

~Online Dating

*How to spot and deal with the time wasters, what behaviors are common, how to make first contact and take thing soff line

~Maintaining Privacy/Security

*Did you know someone can do a Google Image search of your dating profile photos or email address/phone number and get yall kinds of private info?

*How much dating re-con work should you do? How much is considered a violation of privacy?

*How does Facebook and Twitter help/hinder dating and relationships?

~Dating & Sex – Is There Such a Thing As Having Sex Too Soon? -

*How long will a man wait for a woman to decide if she’s ready to take thing to a physical level?

*Do men really judge women for having sex after just 1-3 dates?

~Dating & Finances -

*How has dating changed in the new economy?

*Who pays?

*How have gender roles changed?

~Dating & Commitment

*Why do they act like  aboyfriend/girlfriend but won’t commit?

*Are people committing any more? Why or why not?

*Why do there seem to be more casual and/or Faux-lationships?

 

Here’s my question to you. If you could give the opposite sex (or same sex) advice on any dating related topic…what would it be?

And…

If you could change one thing about dating, what would it be?

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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating In The New Economy, Dating The Crazy, Facebook, Friend Zone, Latests Posts, Online Dating, Sex, Social Media, Texting, The Talk Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Your Self-Obsession Sabotaging Your Love Life?

October 14, 2011 by 15 Comments

Name: Kristen
State: Fl
Age: 38
Comment: So I met this guy on a dating website. He lives here part time and also in Hawaii part time, and goes back and forth often. He contacted me through the site and told me that he’d like to take me out when he got back in a few weeks. Cool. A few weeks go by and he emails me. He’s back and he seemed excited to meet me, he hadn’t forgotten about me. He called a few days later which I missed. I was so busy that I didn’t get to call him back and a few days went by when I got a text from him. I don’t listen to my messages as often as I should and text is so much easier for me, so I don’t mind it at all.

So over the course of the next few weeks, he would  text me every few days to say hi or ask if I was free that night. I never was. Then he called and asked if I would go out with him. I told him to pick a day next week and that I would schedule it. We both travel a lot and it took three weeks just to actually set a date! We settled on a day and he seemed really excited, as was I! After the date was set I didn’t hear from him for over a week, until I got a text the morning of the date from him telling me how much he was looking forward to meeting me. It made me a little nervous not hearing from him, but then he texted and it was all good and had been all along. Ok cool.

He came to pick me up, opened the car door for me, pulled out my chair, told me how nice I looked, said a few really nice things, paid for dinner. I mean, he was fantastic! We totally hit it off and I thought we may have has something good going on. We have so much in common, the conversation flowed, we laughed a lot, finished each other’s sentences, we have so much of the same outlook on life, interests, etc. During dinner he mentioned that he was going back to Hawaii ‘probably next week’, until probably mid-November. Ok, bummer, but if things were really good, I can wait. He asked me if I had been on other dates though the site and I told him that I had been on a few. He said that I was his first, which I found interesting since he’d been on there for a least a year and a half.

So after dinner he suggested that we go shoot some pool, awesome! He was prolonging the date, good sign. On our way, he purposely drove past a house he owns and rents out, I was like…ohhh, he’s trying to impress me. Sweet, he likes me! We headed over to the pool hall, I bought us a each beer, shot 2 games, then he wanted to go back to another pool hall we had passed. They were having a tournament so we didn’t go in, but it made me feel really good because he was still trying to prolong the date. But we both did have to work in the am so he brought me home.

When we got to my house, he jumped out of the truck to walk me to the door. We hugged and he snuck a peck on my cheek. It was all pretty magical. I was smitten. Being nice is one thing, but he seemed to be going out of his way all night to show me that he liked me.

That was a Thursday night. He was away with his friends for the weekend, but you can still text if you’re away!  Monday night, 4 days later, I get a text from him asking how my weekend was. We exchanged a few funny texts, with him sending the last one. He didn’t ask me for a second date. A few days later I texted him back and got no response. Our date was two weeks ago yesterday and my unanswered text was a week ago. So did he send me that post date text to be nice? I’m debating sending him a text to say hi, but I did send the last one. My heart says yes, my head says no.

Now I think that I’m confused. Most of the posts I’m reading posts that say that if he likes me he’ll call. But I don’t get it. He’s probably in Hawaii now, but he knew I was dating, wouldn’t he want to at least make sure I don’t forget about him while he’s away? Ummm…my gut says yes. But the other part of me thinks that his disappearance is really strange. Maybe because it took so long to get together in the first place he feels like I don’t want to be rushed? Our whole experience has been pretty slow moving, because of both of us. I don’t know. I deleted his number from my phone today. I’m sad and trying to think about other things. I just really liked him and don’t understand his peculiar behavior. I’m 38, he’s 44.

Thanks for reading.

Why are you missing calls and waiting days to reply to text message and sitting back and waiting for him to contact you and confirm?As we’ve discussed before on this site, there’s just no time or room for this sort of thing any more, regardless of how you meet. But especially with online dating. The guy was trying to set up a date and you were never available. Ad you weren’t replying to his attempts at contact in any kind of timely fashion. Why should he assume that you’re available at all if you need him to remind you via text that he even called?

Now, I realize that phone can be glitchy sometimes and you don’t always know when someone calls. But if I’m really excited to meet a guy, and I know my phone is wonky, I’m proactively checking it to make sure I’m not missing his attempts at contact.

Monday night, 4 days later, I get a text from him asking how my weekend was. We exchanged a few funny texts, with him sending the last one. He didn’t ask me for a second date

Right. Because he told you that he was leaving for Hawaii, remember? Am I not following this story correctly? He told you he was going to be out of town. He sent you a text on Monday, even though you should have sent him a text the day after the date saying “Great to meet you, had fun!” or something simple like that. You didn’t reply to his last text for a couple days.

This guy basically did everything that most women complain that men don’t do. And it still doesn’t appear to be enough. He called, he communicated, he followed up….and you did little to nothing in return. That, along with the fact that he’s out of town, is why you haven’t heard from him.

Being nice is one thing, but he seemed to be going out of his way all night to show me that he liked me.

That’s a very egocentric way of looking at the experience. You assume, and it very well might be the case, that everything he did was about you, never considering that that is just how he typically acts. He may not have been trying to impress you by driving by the apartment complex. That just might be the route he took. We do this. We look for clues and signs, completely ignoring the overt and obvious. I think we do it because we like  to tell ourselves that we’re different, we’re special. He likes us best. It’s a way of looking for reassurance from things that, really, don’t matter.

Now I think that I’m confused. Most of the posts I’m reading posts that say that if he likes me he’ll call

That’s true. he will. And he did. Several times. He demonstrated his interest several times. But you want more.

But the other part of me thinks that his disappearance is really strange. Maybe because it took so long to get together in the first place he feels like I don’t want to be rushed? Our whole experience has been pretty slow moving, because of both of us.

Weeelll, no. More like because of you. You were the one who was never available and always busy. He tried several times to set dates and you could never make it. Do you see how you’re justifying your own bad behavior? Do you see how you’re getting in the way of this unfolding organically? It’s interesting that you suggest that maybe he feels as though you don’t want to be rushed. That’s telling. Is that you thinking for him…or you thinking for you? Because I get the exact same impression. You are ambivalent and overly-cautious, as well as tremendously self-absorbed in regards to this whole situation. Me, me, me. Show me. Love me, choose me, pick me to quote Meredith Grey. And she was the Queen of self-sabotage, now wasn’t she? You are so consumed with yourself (as many of us can be in these situations) and what he’s doing and not doing to impress you, that you don’t have any mental bandwith available to think about him.

I just really liked him and don’t understand his peculiar behavior.

If I were him, I wouldn’t know or even think that you liked him or were terribly interested. So now you need to up your game. Send him a text and ask him how Hawaii is. Ask him how he is. Show interest in him. Ask him out.

In other words, get out of your head, stop self-obsessing and make an effort.

You’re totally sabotaging yourself here. Not only that, but you’re exhibiting a classic sign of unavalablemenitis with this: (I totally missed this in the first version of this post)

He lives here part time and also in Hawaii part time, and goes back and forth often.

Are there not enough men in Florida to date? I want you to ask yourself why THIS guy has you so stuck. A man who won’t even be around half the time.  What is the appeal here? My guess? You would rather stress over a guy you know on some level you’ll never have on any kind of permanent basis than be with a man who is totally available. And do you want to know why I think you and so many other women do it? Because it allows them to stay in whatever insulated, egocentric comfort zone that they have built for themselves. That way they’ll never have to devote any of their time, thought or emotion to them.

You’re not really obsessing over him.

You’re obsessing over you. How he reacts to you, how he treats you, how he shows you he’s interested. It’s all about you. That’s a concerning level of self-focus that you need to get past if you ever really want to find a solid relationship.

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