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Has Hanging Out Replaced Actual Dating?

May 19, 2013 by 3 Comments

Name: Christinebaddate

Comment: My question is: at what point should you become a top priority in the guy you’re dating’s life?

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months. We met through okcupid. He’s 28, and I’m 26. Our first 3 dates were very nice – dinner followed by drinks at a bar. For our fourth date, he invited me to a party his friend was having. So, I got to meet a bunch of his friends (I think it went well). However, the next few times we met up were either late at night with his friends, or me meeting him after he’d already hung out with his friends. I have tried to be flexible about this, because he’s been flexible with me to an extent (there were a few times he wanted to meet up and I couldn’t because of work or prior commitments with my own friends, but I suggested alternative days, which he agreed to).

Last Friday night, he texted me around 8pm telling me he was going to dinner with his friends, and would be in touch later about when we could get together. I already had plans, so I told him I couldn’t do tonight but how about Saturday. He said that was fine. But Saturday, his idea of plans was to meet me at a bar after he (again) had dinner with his friends.

I agreed to meet him, and basically just told him that this arrangement wasn’t working for me. I said I wanted to get to know him better, and that that wasn’t going to happen if we were always meeting late at night or with his friends. He seemed to genuinely agree with me and apologized profusely. He chalked it up to his being “very immature”, and basically told me that it’s difficult for him to make me a priority over his guy friends whom he’s known for 10 years (since college), while he’s known me for only 2 months. He also mentioned how a lot of his guy friends are starting to get married etc and that he finds that scary, but that he understands it’s just a natural progression and that he probably needs to grow up and behave differently, and that he does like me a lot.

I asked if he’d be able to change his behavior, since I didn’t see a point in continuing this if not, and he said he wasn’t sure, and asked if he could think about it. I said “sure” (which seemed to surprise him – maybe he was expecting me to freak out or yell at him), and then suggested we leave and he could let me know.

So, we went our separate ways that night, and I really wasn’t sure whether I’d ever hear from him again. 2 days later, he texted me asking if I’d like to have dinner with him on Saturday at 8pm at a very nice restaurant. He didn’t directly address our prior conversation, but I was obviously thrilled, and took the dinner suggestion plus the early time as a sign that he did want to try with me.

Then, incredibly, on Saturday morning, he cancelled on me. He told me that he was unaware that three of his good college friends were in town on Saturday, and all of his friends had plans to meet up and that he didn’t want to miss this. He said we’d just move the dinner to another night. I said fine and have fun.

So, now I’m sitting here wondering what I should do. Do I just end it? I feel like with the Saturday invitation he took a step forward, only to immediately take 2 steps back with the cancellation. Or should I continue to see him hoping he becomes more attached and wants to spend more time with me?

Am I unreasonable to expect him to make me a priority after 2 months of dating? He does have a large group of friends that he seems very close with.

Or is he just not that interested? I don’t think he is seeing anyone else (based on his availability to see me on both Friday and Saturday sometimes).

If he’s not that interested, is there anything I can do to get him interested in me again?
Age: 25
City: New York
State: NY

 

I followed up with the OP and asked whether or not she was sleeping with this guy. Here’s her answer:

I went through every date in my head: We did sleep together on every date except the first and sixth dates (first because it was the first, and sixth because we were both way too drunk).

Before I get into my answer to this letter, let’s address the whole “I didn’t sleep with him on the first date because it was the first date, but I TOTALLY boned him on the second date” thing. If you’re going to wait to have sex because that’s what you’re comfortable with and you want to get to know someone, then actually wait. Sleeping with a guy on the second date just because it’s not the first date achieves absolutely nothing other than letting the guy know you follow a bunch of arbitrary, stupid rules. Any regard or respect you think you gained by waiting ONE WHOLE DATE exists only in your head. Guys play along because nine times out of ten the woman who says she doesn’t have sex on the first date usually puts out on the second date. It’s childish and immature and is a red flag (albeit one they overlook) to a man.

It sounds like you want him to be more flexible while at the same time not being terribly flexible yourself. When you don’t cancel plans due to work or commitments to friends, it’s somehow acceptable. But when he does it, he’s wrong.

He pre-emptively admitted that he’s immature and feeling pressured to settle down because all of his friends are getting married, etc. It’s a ruse. He told you that to get you to back down a bit. He was just beating you to the inevitable punch. He knew where you were going with this, and has probably even heard the same complaints from other women, so he decided to throw himself down on the sword. He was telling you, in a nice way, that he’s taken you out a handful of times and you need to chill and that his friends mean more to him than you do at this point.

He took you out on four “real” dates. He’s done with that. You’re not someone for whom he’s going to rearrange his life. If you want to end it, do it. He’s anticipating that. He’s going to continue doing what he wants because he’s not invested in whether you stick around. He won’t cut you loose because he’s not going to give up the consistent sex. He might even miss you, but he’s not going to fight to keep you.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to make me a priority after 2 months of dating?

Nice try. You’ve had all of 6 to 8 dates with him. You’re saying you’ve been dating for about two months because framing it in those terms lends credibility to your argument. In reality, it’s been a handful of dates. No, it’s not reasonable to expect to be a top priority to a man you’ve dated 6 or 7 times. At best you’ve spent all of 36-48 hours together with him. You and he barely know each other, regardless of how close you think you and he have become.

This is how dating is for many people now. There is a lot of ambiguous “hanging out” with groups and casual plans. A lot of men are just in no rush to commit. They’re not locking themselves into anything too quickly because a) they don’t want to and b) they don’t have to. So if you want to see if this has potential, you’re going to have to suck it up for a bit longer.  If your goal is to “get to know him” you can achieve that regardless of how the time together is spent. That’s an excuse you’re using to try and get him to spend more alone time with you.  I’d be far more suspicious of a man who was eager to commit and readily available right away than one who dragged his feet a bit.

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Filed Under: Decoding Man-Speak, The Just Enough Guy, The Unavailable Man/Woman, Today's Column Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Article Round Up: What’s Wrong With Men Wanting To Date Slender Women?

May 16, 2013 by 27 Comments

I’ll just leave the link here and let you guys discuss it.A woman typing on a computer keyboard

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/i-went-to-skinny-mini-speed-dating/

I am at a sports bar waiting for “Skinny Mini Speed Dating” to start. I am here “undercover” as a journalist and should be mingling with the men who are here to meet “women under size 8 only,” but instead I am staring, sort of detachedly, at sports on TV; men are jumping together in a huddle which must create friction, I think, the spandex rubbing together.

I scan the crowd of speed daters but instinctively look down at my phone whenever one of them makes eye contact.

“Oh my god,” the woman running the event says to me — who, maybe it should be noted, is not a size small or whatever – “I almost forgot! I have to put your size on your nametags. What size do you wear?”

Read the full article here.

And, no, this article isn’t about our speeddating events.

Thoughts?

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Signs You’re Dating a Guy With No Options

May 15, 2013 by 44 Comments

Name: Scared
Comment: I am with this great boyfriend. He is a hardworking businessman, with a passion for fishing. We live 200 miles needy-man - Signs Your Being Needyapart. He cares for me and spends a lot on buying me stuff.

I met him online a couple of years ago, and we got close over the months. Problem was, I was with my ex. We became good friends, chatted a lot through the phone and through the net. He hinted me that he liked me but I did not accept him at that point because I was still with my ex.

We did meet up but just as friends. Eight months after, me and my ex were having problems so we broke off. A month later, he brought his folks to meet me and things began to look serious. We took turns to visit each other. I even got to know some of his friends.

Then another month later, he invited me to a fishing trip with his friends at the end of 6 months. I agreed and he bought the plane ticket for me. However he told me that the trip lasts a week, and we are going with a whole bunch of his guy friends. I will be the only girl there. What really worries me the most is that during the trip, we won’t be able to communicate through phones so I will not be able to contact people on land.

Recently he got the hint that I am feeling nervous about the whole thing. He tries to persuade me, even by saying that he is willing to meet my family before we take off.

His intentions seem sincere but am I being paranoid? Should I follow him on this trip? Please advice, thanks.
Age: 26
City: Brooklyn
State: New York

 

Yeesh.  Who the hell brings their girlfriend along on a fishing trip with the boys? That alone would make me question this guy.

To me it seems that this guy has trouble meeting and keeping women. That’s probably because he’s so needy. Between buying you gifts to blowing up a boys weekend by dragging his girlfriend along, this guy sounds like he’s profoundly needy and insecure. Let’s address the red flags one by one.

He lives 200 miles away - Did all the women in his vicinity suddenly fall into a sinkhole or evaporate? He’s broadening his search that far because he has to. Women in his area likely don’t want him.

He hung around waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend – This, too, screams, “I have no options!” Only the most desperate of people would tolerate being treated as a surrogate gal pal.

He buys you things -  Again, I question any man who feels he has to buy my affections or impress me with presents of expensive things.

What really worries me the most is that during the trip, we won’t be able to communicate through phones so I will not be able to contact people on land.

Where is he taking you that you can’t use a cell phone? Who the hell goes on a fishing trip without making sure they can get a call out should something go wrong? There’s something off here. This guy lives hundreds of miles away, you’ve hung out with him a handful of times and now he wants you to go away with him for a week with his friends? What the whating what?

This guy isn’t a sociopath. He’s just clingy and desperate for a girlfriend. If that’s your bag, go for it. Just understand that this guy will eventually become suffocating.

What’s truly troubling to me is that you see absolutely nothing wrong with the behavior that this guy exhibits other than the fact that he chose a location for a vacation that doesn’t have  a cell signal. Is that really what’s troubling you? Because this sounds like a made up concern. I have to wonder if you’re real question involves the exact issues I’ve raised in this post. Are you uncomfortable with how available he has made himself? Are you maybe picking up on how cloying he is?

If so, that would make more sense.

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Dating, Nice Guys, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

He’s Not Shy, He’s Just Not Interested

May 14, 2013 by 11 Comments

Name: AB
Comment: Three months ago, I met this guy at his place of employment as a client. We chatted for a long time before shyguygetting to why I was there. One month later, I saw him again for a follow up appointment. We chatted for nearly an hour before discussing business. In the end, I left with his email address to discuss some of our shared interests.

For the next three weeks, we emailed every 2-3 days, while both of us were on holiday. When he returned, he asked me to hang on a Saturday night. For the next 4 weeks, we hung out 1-2 times a week for about 4hr per hang. All time together was filled with constant big smiles and subtle flirting, but no clear advances due to shyness that we have since both acknowledged.

On Saturday night, he came over to watch a movie. I thought that this would be my chance. I shyly cozy up during the movie, leaning my head on his shoulder. At the end, I try to lean my face closer to him. But then he stopped me from trying to kiss him, saying that he just started seeing someone and doesn’t want to hurt her.

I was stunned because I thought we had chemistry and were slowing building something real. I told him that I felt something when I first met him and if he did too. I think that’s when he said he wants to be friends, and that I’m pretty, fun, great to talk with, awesome to hang.

The fact that he’s seeing someone means I am definitely backing off. But I’m left feeling a bit led on, hurt, and undesirable, even though I believe I’m somewhat attractive.

My questions are:
Should I kill the hope that he’ll come around? I feel invested in him.
Should I ignore his texts / stop sending him friendly texts?
Tell me more about the psychology of a dude in this position.

Age: 33
City: New York
State: NY

 

All time together was filled with constant big smiles and subtle flirting, but no clear advances due to shyness that we have since both acknowledged.

Yeah…no.  There were no advances because he was either a) already dating someone or b) not attracted to you.

The whole “but he’s shy!” excuse has been used in several letters lately. I think it’s another rationalization that women like to use to explain why a guy hasn’t made a move on her.  That alleged shyness has little to do with it. For whatever reason, he’s just not interested. If he were, he’d make a move. Especially if you and he were already spending so much time together. Either there was a lack of attraction or he fears you’re more interested than he is. If it’s the latter, he senses that you’re more invested and worries you might become needy or clingy in some way. He’s not afraid to ruin the friendship. For real. That’s another rationalization manufactured by women for women. It doesn’t exist.

I was stunned because I thought we had chemistry and were slowing building something real.

As controversial as this might sound, few men are hanging out with a woman they are attracted to and not trying to get physical. This idea that a guy is “being a gentleman” or “looking to build something real” are thoughts planted in our heads from other women. And they’re wrong. The reason they repeat these non-truths is because a man who sits and listens to a woman and “hangs” with her who shows no interest in sex is their wet dream. People like sex. One of the main reasons many of us date is for the sex. If someone is showing no interest in The Sex then there’s a problem. Write that down. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

My guess is that the reason he felt so comfortable with you is because he wasn’t attracted to you. You were a friend. A pal.

Yes, I would stop texting him and trying to be friends. It’s a disingenuous gesture and you know it. You wouldn’t be content with being just friends. Men and women only suggest that because they’re hoping the object of their affection will one day have an epiphany and realize that love has been right in front of them all along. That’s Rom-Com fantasy nonsense. That doesn’t usually happen.

For the sake of your mental health I would take a step back from this guy. He’s not available to you.

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Filed Under: Dating, Shy Guys, Signs of Interest, The Friend Zone Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Avoid Being Used for Sex

May 13, 2013 by 6 Comments

Name: flyetteconfwomenz
Comment: I met a guy a few years ago and we immediately liked each  other. Circumstances beyond our control separated us but we remained in platonic contact at a distance for months afterwards. At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me. No big deal since it was me who initiated the sex talk between us. After a while all contact stopped. We kept silent for years. Recently he sent me a message out of the blue saying he wants to see me and I gave him an evasive reply because it hurt me a lot having lost the contact before and I did not want to be taken for granted. I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way. He has not replied for several weeks now. Is it possible he only contacted me because he wants to have sex? I do not think it is fair for him to reappear just like that, stir my feelings and then disappear again. I have been thinking of all the possibilities of why this happened. What seems most plausible is: 1. he made a mistake, and 2. prospect of sex only.
Age: 32
City: phoenix
State: arizona

I’ll generalize a bit here and say that I don’t think men are known for taking trips down memory lane. At least not where casual acquaintances are concerned. I am always suspicious of people from my past who pop up unexpectedly at random moments. I’ve done that, usually when I’m low on prospects or feeling lonely.

Let’s face it. You’re going to try and see him again and you’ll probably have sex with him. You’re going to make him “work for it” so that you can justify doing what you would have done anyway. Here’s the thing: he knows what you’re doing. If it’s sex he’s after, he’ll play along. You did not event this game. It has been around for centuries. The only thing you are achieving by being vague and non-responsive is gaining a false sense of confidence.

I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way.

Using sex to get a man’s attention is actually what leads to a woman being defined by sex. Again, men know what we’re doing when we break out the dirty talk. They are well aware that many of us are using it to keep them interested. While they might return the attention, they are still suspicious of women who employ this tactic.

I was having a conversation with some friends last week. The topic was the challenge many women who write about sex (or dating) have in regards to being taken seriously. The key, I think, is to present a more well-rounded persona. If the most notable stories a writer has in her arsenal are of the sexual variety, then she will then become identified and defined by sex. However, if she offers pieces on other topics that are equally authentic and provocative, she has a better chance of being seen as a whole person and not just a bunch of hormones with an iPad. To break it down, if you don’t want a guy to want you just for sex, then don’t use sex to keep his interest. If you do, put out. That’s it. What you truly want, OP, is for this guy to return your level of interest. It’s not that you fear that he just wants sex. You fear that you’re playing the fool. So don’t. That is a conscious choice.

At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me.

Typically, if a guy is genuinely interested,  it’s the other way around. I can’t tell if you and he ended up sleeping together or not. If you did, and all the effort he made previously stopped, then he always just in it for the sex. He didn’t stir your feelings. You did that. You can’t put that on him. You’re in control of your emotions. Not him.

The fact that this guy never replied to your email should tell you everything you need to know. He was looking for something simple. He didn’t want to deal with your Feels. This magical connection you think you had was likely in your head. This is what presents the most difficult hurdle for women. They project their feelings on to the guy. All of them. They tell themselves that because a man did A, B and C that means he truly cares for her. A lot of men will say whatever it is they think will grease the wheels. I’m not sure why so many women don’t understand that. Something else that women need to burn into their brain is that if a man approaches a woman and talks to her in sexual way and plies her with compliments and then says, ‘Why don’t we meet for coffee/a drink to talk” he’s not just looking to talk. Instead of finding his honesty so refreshing and being blinded by his compliments, a woman should feel objectified and insulted.

I think this man has made his intentions clear, OP.

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Filed Under: Dating, Meeting Men, Men To Avoid, Sex, Sexting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stop Pretending You’re Not Competitive With Other Women

May 10, 2013 by 14 Comments

Name: Lucywomaneer-flirting
Comment: I’m generally slightly flirtatious and am so without even trying. However I know about boundaries and would never have designs on anyone else’s man or chase after anyone who is clearly taken. I find this slightly distressing as on previous occasions, I have been accused of stepping over the line but that would never enter my head as it goes against any idea I have of common decency. The fact that people have said this makes me slightly ashamed.

To give you more information, the type of flirting I might fall into is very low key. For example I might make some silly joke about something. But I have never tried to get physically close to another woman’s boyfriend, initiated contact, tried to get alone with him or anything like that. I do not try to become friends with men and I stick to an all female group. Sometimes I might not even be flirting at all and the man or woman involved will tell me that I am.

I would like to tone down my flirtatious nature because on previous occasions it has caused hurt to others. I now cut men off quickly so I don’t lead them on and I try not to flirt with men I am not interested in. But I want to feel free to be myself without it complicating how I get on with others.
Age: 23
City: Edinburgh
State: United Kingdom

 

Before we begin, I just want to call back your previous letter to me. People can read it here.

I’ll just throw this out there: the people I trust the least are the people who make public declarations of how honorable they are. A wise and mature person would know that they could never say, unequivocally,  that they wouldn’t do something. Impulses, emotions and circumstances all factor in to the decisions we make. When people insist that they would “never” do something, what they’re actually saying is, “I’m smarter/more restrained/more trustworthy than other people.” They’re bragging.

I got a whiff of competitiveness and jealousy in your first letter. Now the stench is undeniable. The underlying message in this letter is, “I can’t help it if men find me attractive. (blink blink) How do I fix that?”

What’s dangerous about people like you is that you actually believe what you’re saying. So here’s the first step for you recovery: stop lying to yourself about your altruistic intentions. They don’t exist. You like attention from men. Join the club. That aspect of your personality doesn’t pose the threat. What makes you suspect is that you also like the idea of pissing off other women.Nothing will get me to turn on my heels faster and walk away from a woman is hearing her talk about all the ways she’s committed to paving the way for other females. No, women like that are all about their own personal advancement. Show. Don’t tell.If you have to frequently remind other women how supportive you are, you’re not.

Equally questionable are women who go out of their way to piss off other women.  Niecy Nash was promoting her book on TV last night. In it, she advises women to always keep their man sexually satisfied. Ok. Fine. Agreed. But when she was asked about people who critiqued that particular piece of advice her response was, “Well..that’s why they don’t have a man.” Oooooh. Sick burn, Niecy. That sort of tripe is no different that the women and men who toss barbs my way about giving advice while being single, or who habitually have to trot out their relationship as proof that they’ve truly learned to love themselves or reached some magnificent level of awareness. Can we please stop that? That sort of talk is actually the opposite of empowered. All it does is reinforce the idea that what we achieved means nothing unless we have a man in our life to validate it.

While I think some level of competition is natural and maybe even healthy, I believe some people take that desire to be the victor a bit too far. If you don’t want other women to think you’re out to steal their boyfriends, then stop trying to steal their boyfriends. If you’d prefer that your female peers didn’t hate on you for being so confident, then stop trolling them.

OP, until you get past your need to compete with your female friends, this problem will exist. Going after or getting a guy just for bragging rights rarely ever ends well. Not only will you eventually repel any man that does give you a chance, but you will alienate all your friends and other women in the process. You don’t want to be that woman with no female friends. Men and women both will keep you at arm’s length.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, First Impressions, Girlfriends & Sabotage, Happy & Healthy, Hook Up Culture, How SATC Ruined Women, Humblebrag, jealousy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Would a Woman Choose a Sociopath Over A “Nice Guy?”

May 8, 2013 by 45 Comments

 

 

 

As inflammatory and baiting as this tweet was, there was some truth to it.

I do tend to agree that there is a specific subsection of women who are drawn to dangerous men. Whether they are aware of it or not, these women get something out of being victims. I don’t comprehend the complete pathology behind such attraction, but it’s naive to act as though it doesn’t exist. As I said yesterday, drama and attention is quite a draw. Those two things are used to fill the cavernous void that has resided within these women, some for a very long time. I don’t think a comparison can be drawn between those women and the one’s who are drawn to the run of the mill Bad Boy, also known as the Unavailable Guy or Player.While there are likely  similarities in the psychologies of both women, there are a few that draw a very distinct line between the two groups.

 

There’s no question that charisma and power are aphrodisiacs. But it needs to be made clear to these guys who growl on Twitter and forums across the internet that those women bring with them deeper issues. These men also need to acknowledge that part of their frustration is that  they,  guys not incarcerated or hiding in boats after a police man hunt, don’t get nearly as much pussy as some garden variety psychopaths. That’s the real complaint. I’d be happy to take part in more discussions with them if they’d just admit that. I don’t say that to bait these guys back. Truthfully, I find conversations like this exhausting and circular. I barely read the comments here any more because this blog has been infiltrated with people who desperately try to entice others into debating them using lame insults.

That said, let’s focus on the whole Women and Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy debate, sans all the talk about rapists and murderers.

The topic for this week’s Swexpert Twitter Chat is whether or not “nice guys” finish last. Some ideas were thrown out that I thought were interesting. First, some women posited that the reason why some females prefer Bad Boys is because women like a challenge. Other females taking part in the chat suggested that these dark and edgy guys bring with them an air of mystery.

Hmm. Likes a challenge. Likes mystery. Aren’t those things that women say that men prefer? Now we’re seeing where so many of these common dating myths stem from. I believe much of what women hear from their girlfriends is just personal projection and nothing more.

As I said in my piece for Role Reboot about the difference between Bad Boys and BadGirls, I think the true appeal of the Bad Boy is the potential to tame him. From my article:

The woman dating a Bad Boy probably won’t advertise that fact to her girlfriends. That is, not until she has shaped him into her ideal boyfriend. The Bad Boy is the Mount Everest of single men. Conquering him is an accomplishment. Then and only then will she come forward with the information that her man was once a player. A Bad Boy is only an asset if he can be reformed.

Most men don’t want to tame a Bad Girl. They want to experience her as is. Either she provides a welcome relief to the game playing most bachelors are used to or she is an experiment of sorts. In either situation, dating a Bad Girl comes with bragging rights.

As for the part about women needing to own their sexuality when it comes to admitting why they prefer “bad” guys, I’m not really sure sex plays as much of a part in this as these guys think. The core of the attraction, I presume to be true, is that Bad Boys and Players  can provide the woman with bragging rights and self-satisfaction.

As offended by a man’s number women claim to be, they’re secretly impressed with themselves for landing someone so desirable#swexpertchat

I think a lot of women like that a man has a lot of experience, but not because he might provide a level of sexual satisfaction to her that other men can’t. No, I think it’s as simple as she likes the idea of one upping other women. She got him. For now, of course. And when she loses him, she grieves equally the loss of her ability to lord him over her girlfriends and his presence. Yes, for some women, there is a fascination with being sexually overpowered. I just don’t think it’s the primary motivator for why so many women prefer Bad Boys.

We’re going to talk more in tonight’s post about fantasies and the lure that being dominated and degraded has for some women.

I’ll tickle your ass with a feather on that one.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Myths, PUA, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Need Dating To Be Dramatic?

May 7, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: melisabless
Comment: I started somehow a relationship with a guy (we are working in the same place but i’m just a part-time and he’s a full-time). I got to know him the last few months. First I thought he was in me and he was trying to create some occasions to get together along with other coworkers. Then he told he was separating with his-ex with whom he is still sharing the house (he says she will leave soon? when she finds a place but i don’t know when, or even it’s true). But he continued. He was trying to spend time with me and he seemed really interested and nice. I also liked to spend time with him. and we started somewhat a relationship after spending at most to weeks texting and seeing each other frequently but in a friendly basis. Then he told me that he likes me and we kissed the same day. We are kissing a lot in public areas, like high school kids. At the end of the first week, in a day he was sure that his ex wouldn’t come to home (which was also his last night before he left for a one moth work travel), i went to his flat and we had sex and i stayed there at the night.

Now things are quite confusing,
1. he introduced himself at a time that later understood he was in a relationship.
2. before the time we kissed for the first time he was so interested in me and was trying to spent as much time as possible with me; it change within 2 days, he put somewhat a distance, acted confusing. when i asked he said he’s confused because of the situation he’s in; and he knew it’s strange for us but it’s just a kind of weird ‘beginning’.
3. one night i visited him outside his apartment and he didn’t want us to be seen together by his ex, saying he didn’t want any drama. (His ex has a new relationship for almost 2 months by the way).
4. when i went his flat i saw their photos together still hanging on the board, which i couldn’t get but didn’t make an issue. When i simply mentioned the photos he acted neutral, with no reaction.
5. He waited to become alone to demand a skype talk with me. Before that he was on a conference with a coworker for one week. In that one week he was not trying to have a mutual contact. this made me uncomfortable. (You might think that i am expecting too much too soon, it’s true but he made me felt like that. because the second day of our ‘thing’ he told me that would miss me so much and he didn’t want to go…)

Positive signs:
- He’s texting me just before and after his flights and when he got his hotels.
- This week on skype or on any chatting medium he told me that he’s missing me several times.

for the completeness:
- While we were seeing each other friendly, i asked him i he wanted to get back together with his ex. He said no way. and that relationship ended. But again it’s what he says.
- I already told him that complication and confusion are the last things i need i my life right now. and even decided to end this issue that day but continued somehow.
- he’s around the same age with me.

So there is not a specific question: but the questions in my mind are “did i move too fast by  allowing him getting close in his first trial?” “should i slow down the things, but how?” i even logically think that i should suggest him “to move 2 steps backward to the friendship position and get to know each other better because things seem too complicated”.

As you see there is no clear question, but i liked your comments on other issues so i wanted to hear your opinion.

Thanks in advance
Age: 32
City: den haag
State: NL

 

I know you’re hoping that I’ll analyze this story from every angle, but I honestly don’t see the point. What I hear in this letter is drama. Drama, drama, drama. The first clue was the passive role you took in this scenario. You didn’t “somehow” get involved with this guy. You made a conscious choice to do so. You have continued to pursue this relationship despite all the hurdles and challenges. I honestly don’t think anything I say will affect how you approach this issue.

No, you shouldn’t try to go back to the point  before you and this guy hooked up. The conflict that has erupted in these scenario has nothing to do with his lack of familiarity with you. It has everything to do with the fact that he has a messy living situation and doesn’t want to tie up those loose ends. Also contributing to this is your willingness to stand by and wait as he figures out what to do next. He doesn’t want drama? That’s adorable. You don’t want confusion? How cute. Weird how you both managed to find the exact things you claim you wish to avoid. His ex has moved on and now he’s trying to do so, too. I won’t slag on him for still living with her, as many people choose to do that for financial reasons or because the timing isn’t right to move. That said, a mature person would realize that bringing somebody else into this mess probably isn’t wise. That’s the opposite of wanting to avoid drama. Remember what I said earlier: the red flags are in the inconsistencies.

My opinion is that this guy is not available and that you’re wasting your time.

As I was saying to a friend over the weekend, I really haven’t had much dating drama in my life in the past couple of years. Hence my increasing impatience with some of these letters. The way to avoid all of this wailing and gnashing of teeth is to simply decide, once and for all, that you’ve had enough and stay resolved to that. I don’t need to investigate particular arrangements, nor do I let my curiosity get the better of me and proceed when all signs point to chaos. I just say no. If a red flag is waving, I turn around and go the other way. It simply isn’t worth the emotional bandwidth that it sucks up to engage in settings like this. Making that easier is that I’ve all but curbed my need to complain or brag- publicly or privately – about my difficulties or successes. While my inner attention-whore cries out from time to time, for the most part she has been sated.

I honestly believe that many of the troubles we encounter in dating are driven by our need to be recognized and acknowledged.  That’s it. We don’t really want the people we claim to be chasing or pining for.  We just want something to announce and use as a bid for attention.  Something about these dating-related farces give people a false sense of importance. They’re black hole fillers and nothing more. In place of the intimacy we seek, we create drama for ourselves.

Try and find that spotlight somewhere other than through dating. All you will end up achieving is depleting yourself of the energy you’ll need to find and hold on to a healthy relationship. Instead of fearing that emptiness, embrace it. It’s the need to run away from that void and pretend that it doesn’t exist that leads us to jump at any opportunity to fill it.

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Filed Under: Compatibility, Crowdsource!, Dating, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Do People Stay In Unsatisfying Relationships?

May 6, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Alicefrustrated-woman
Comment: I’ve been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years. We get along really well, but have some issues to work through like lack of communication and some sexual incompatibilities (he’s less experienced and isn’t familiar with foreplay, as a result he hasn’t been able to make me orgasm yet). He isn’t good with communicating when we are apart and doesn’t call or text to check in. As a result I feel like he’s completely out of my life when we are apart. He’s the same way with most of his friends and family, so I know it’s not just me: and he shows that he cares about me in many other ways when we are together. I’ve brought up both issues but he always falls back into old habits within a few days, and it’s hard for me to bring up the sex issues when we only spend a few days together at a time.

Whenever I brought up the future of our relationship he says that he’s interested in the long term, but he still hasn’t made any definitive commitments. I can’t move to where he lives because it’s a smaller city and I wouldn’t find work there: but I am willing to move anywhere else. His job allows him to work remotely, so he could move anywhere.

I’m getting to the point where I’m frustrated with the distance, and because of the lack of communication between visits I don’t think I can do the on-and-off thing much longer. It feels like I have an amazing relationship for one week a month and that I’m single and sexually frustrated the rest of the time (without the option of dating or having casual sex, something that I’ve been quite accustomed to when I was single). I also don’t want to put on too much pressure and sometimes wonder if I’m being too selfish and impatient. I’m interested in a long-term commitment and eventually starting a family: he’s expressed that he’s not adverse to kids but that it’s not something he thinks about often. I haven’t been able to get a “yes” or “no”, but I’m feeling that we’ve been together long enough that I need to either move forward or move on.
Age: 28
City: Vancouver
State: BC

 

Is this relationship really worth it? You don’t see each other that often and he doesn’t communicate or keep in touch on a regular basis. Even worse, he doesn’t satisfy you sexually. I don’t get it. What are you clinging to?

It sounds like you know this isn’t working but you’re just afraid to cut the chord. Maybe you don’t want to let go unless you know you have a soft place to land, so to speak? You seem to be choosing to stay in this holding pattern, maybe out of obligation, maybe out of fear. I’m not sure of the exact reason. I think you need to have a very blunt talk with this guy about where you stand and what you need. But then, you’ve done that. And things haven’t changed.

You’re delaying the inevitable. Stop doing that.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dysfunction Junction, Long Distance Love, Sex, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Who You Date At 21 Probably Isn’t Who You Will Date At 31

May 5, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Jensingle-mom-dating-615x265
Comment: During my third year of undergrad, I became pregnant by my fiancée. We moved in together before we were married, but I’m glad that we did because he revealed his true colors. He became physically abusive, so I left him and no longer have contact with him. I am finishing undergrad and working toward becoming a medical doctor. I am an attractive, intelligent, African American woman who is very open-minded. Though I am young, I consider myself to be mature and wise beyond my years due to my life experiences. I prefer to date older men and would like a chivalrous Christian man who is successful in his career and shares some commonalities with me but also has some differences as I believe that some differences make for a more interesting relationship. I’ve read on here before that many men prefer not to date women with (a) child(ren) because they feel that it would hinder her spontaneity. I don’t feel that that is true for me. Another question that I commonly see asked of the OP is “what makes you different?” I feel that what makes me different is the fact that I am very open-minded and love to experience and enjoy life. Due to my open-mindedness and love of people, I have found it very easy to find common ground with a wide range of people of many backgrounds and walks of life. My child is eight months young but very low maintenance. Although I don’t plan to date until I finished med school (at the age of 28), I would like to know how you think my situation affects my date-ability.
Age: 21
City: Richmond
State: VA

Answering this question now seems a little pointless. By the time you reach 28, you’re probably going to be a significantly different person. As will your I have no doubt totally low maintenance eight year-old child.

The problem I’m seeing here is that you think nothing applies to you. Not only are you different, but you’re baby is different. That speaks to a) you’re lack of self-awareness and b) your lack of maturity. Not that I’m expecting you to be fully actualized. I don’t. You’re 21. You’re supposed to be figuring out who you are.

There are certain things we can think about ourselves that are acceptable up until the point where we say them out loud. Anybody who identifies or describes themselves as “wise beyond their years” typically isn’t. Yes, you have some experiences under your belt that other people your age don’t. And those tribulations will absolutely affect how you see yourself, men, relationships etc. But you are discounting the actual process of maturity and the important role it plays in shaping our identities. Self-awareness and self-actualization aren’t things that develop over the course of a few months or even a couple years. Our emotional evolution is a constant operation. It doesn’t just stop when we reach a particular milestone. It might slow down once we get older, but at this point in your life it is a 24/7 procedure.

Right now you wish to find an older, chivalrous man. Do you really think that your desire for someone older isn’t related to your past trials? Of course it is. Older men represent security and responsibility, something you didn’t and possibly don’t have. Give that a few years and you might very well have it, seeing as though you’re pursuing a medical career. Or maybe you won’t. Who knows? My point is that you need to get a stronger hold on who you are and what you want before you even consider bringing someone into the lives of you and your child.

At 21, we all think we’re different. Hell, there are men and women out there now who, at 35, still think that way. Few of us actually are. There’s a certain level of presumptuousness in believing that we are unique in some way. Your story, OP, is not original. This will read as an insult, but it’s not. The tone and voice of the woman who wrote this letter is a young one. You sound like a 21 year old. We were all precocious at 21 or 22. You are no better or worse than other people your age.

I want you to change because not changing, to me, would be the true tragedy. I can’t imagine staying forever stuck at 21-25. I would never want to be that stunted. That makes me shudder.

As for having a child while trying to date, I think being as young as you are will make a difference. However,  I do tend to believe that most men will want their own child and not wish to deal with an disgruntled exes. A 27 or 28 year old can effortlessly find someone your age without a child. While you still have some wiggle room with the never-married men in your age range, you might – when you’re ready – wish to focus on the divorced Dad crowd. If you seek someone Christian, than I would avoid online dating completely and join your church. My 23 (?!) niece just married her husband, whom she met through her church community. The only reason why I feel as though that pairing will work out long term is because they both come from the same kind of background (no divorce/parents still together), have matching life experiences (college educated/working full time in their respective fields) and share many similar values in regards to faith and family.

 

Good luck.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Childen, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Men & Younger Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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