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How To Succeed In Online Dating Without Really Trying

February 8, 2012 by 33 Comments

I’m sure many of you have read the latest study about online dating.

I’m frequently asked to write people’s online dating profiles for them. I always tell them that I won’t do that. Not because I can’t or don’t want to but because I truly believe that what someone says in that About Me space has little to nothing to do why someone does or not respond to them. Here’s my personal opinion: you could write out the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner in that space, and as long as you’ve got a few really good photos, you’re set. The text in the body of the profile means very little. At least to the most men. Women, on the other hand, need to have a bit more control over the process. They want to be sure the date will be worth their time.  Oddly enough, the man could show all the signs of being a self-important poser and she’ll still go out with him as long as she thinks he’s attractive.  Even more so if she thinks she’s out of his league. So much for rules.

Men? They just want to know the woman won’t be a pain in the ass. But even if she does seem high maintenance or a little wacky, if she’s attractive, he’ll meet her. Especially if one who like sot bat out of his league.

From the article

One of the weaknesses of online dating is an over reliance on “profiles,” the researchers say. Although most dating websites feature photos and detailed, searchable profiles covering everything from personality traits to likes and dislikes, this information isn’t necessarily useful in identifying a partner, Finkel and his coauthors write.

That’s partly because daters don’t always know what they want in a mate — even though they generally think they do. Studies suggest that people often lack insight into what attracts them to others (and why), and therefore the characteristics they seek out in an online profile may be very different from those that will create a connection in person, the review notes.

I tend to think we place little emphasis on the profile text. If we find someone attractive, we will meet them, so long as their ad doesn’t contain any major red flags. Both men and women will meet someone “out of curiosity.” As long as you don’t sound like a loon and use proper grammar and don’t set off any red alerts, you’re fine. But those red alerts are common, and we usually don’t even know that they are there.  For example, I met with a woman who said she kept meeting men who never offered to pay the bill for their dates. When I looked at her profile, she made it a point to state that she was financially secure and independent and owned her own apartment. Her intention was to convey that she wasn’t looking for a man to support her. Unfortunately, what many men inferred was that she didn’t need nor want a man to pay her way.  These are the type of things we say that end up attracting the wrong people and turning the right ones away.

The most common complaint I hear in my profile review sessions is that people send out a ton of emails and get few responses. I can say, across the board, that EVERY client I’ve had has this issue. And these are attractive people with solid profiles and photos. Like the article says, online dating creates a “shopping mentality.”

The shopping mindset may be efficient online, but when carried into face-to-face interactions it can make daters overly critical and discourage “fluid, spontaneous interaction” in what is already a charged and potentially awkward situation, Reis and his coauthors write.

Ever heard the saying “The only way to win is not to play?” Apply that to online dating. Don’t get caught up in how many people respond. Don’t comb through profiles looking for someone that presents themselves, on paper, as ideal. Don’t engage in the days long exchanges. Don’t take it personally when someone flakes. That’s the part of online dating that is “a game.” Understand, going in, that you’re going to face a ton of rejection. That is the only way to survive and thrive in that medium.

Your dating profile has little to do with why you don’t have a relationship. It possibly could be why you don’t have as many dates as you would like. But it’s not the cause for the fact that nothing seems to flourish or last. That has to do with your social and dating/relationship skills. Don’t buy in to this idea that the problem is your profile. It’s not. Nor is online dating to blame because you keep meeting “dinner whores” or “players” or “weirdos.” I can assure you that the signs were there, right in their profile. You just ignored them.

Dating success hinges on being able to read certain signals and cues. Getting a bunch of dates is not “dating success” unless that is your goal. If your goal is to have a relationship – casual or otherwise – then you need to become as socially adept as possible. Don’t kid yourself or be bamboozled in to believing that somebody can write your profile and emails for you and everything will improve. That’s a lie. If anything, that very thing is going to make your dating life harder, not easier. Know why? Because that would be like a parent doing their child’s homework for them. The kid might get an A, but they won’t retain or learn anything that they can apply or implement in future similar situations. Being able to effectively communicate is a cornerstone to having a healthy relationship, be that a casual one or a committed/long term one. Someone needs to not only be able to identify their needs and limitations, but also communicate them in a way that is productive. That requires hands on experience. This sort of thing is a learning process. You don’t just have an epiphany one day. You acquire these skills by trial and error. Those are the lessons that stay with you. Those are the ones that propel you forward.

The profile is merely the lowest hurdle. The bigger ones involve your communication skills, your social aptitude, your attitude and your ability to pick up on signals. Succeeding in those areas requires experience.

You can be told what to do and how to do it and what to say. You could even say all the right things and look the part. But if you don’t understand the fundamental reasons why certain things happen or understand and accept appropriate courses of action, then you’re going to struggle.

 

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Advice, First Impressions, Latests Posts, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

In Today’s Economy, Is Dating a Necessity or A Luxury?

November 3, 2011 by 52 Comments

You make good points, but here’s the counterpoint: dating has some inherent costs when you’re a man. If you can’t afford them, then refrain from dating until such time as you are in a better economic place. After graduating law school in an economy almost as bad as the current one, I spent a grand total of 18 months before I got a decent job. I made it a point not to date during that time so that I didn’t embarrass myself. Getting a job was my #1 priority, not getting dates. – Craig

This date when you have a job and can “afford it” story is a bunch of classist crap. I’m mostly unemployed right now, but I’m sure as hell not going to let that keep me from going on a date if I meet someone I want to go on a date with. I’m tired of hearing people tell me and others like me what my “priorities” should or shouldn’t be. People should date when they feel ready to date, not based on some arbitrary financial marker. – Nathan

I wouldn’t try myself if i was unemployed not because of what someone else says but because of my own confidence or lack of it. If it doesn’t affect you, than sure go for it. But I bet dating was easier back in your grandparents days before all these internet perfectionist attitudes. - Steve

I think each person’s opinion is going to depend on whether or not they consider dating a necessity or a luxury.

As we’ve discussed before, dating is expensive for both genders. Let’s exclude upgrades to appearance like new clothes or a trip to the stylist. You’d be getting those anyway and are not expenses paid out strictly for that one date. I’m referring to transportation, parking, contribution to the bill, etc. That can total, for both, anywhere from $50 to $100 per date. That’s a utilities bill, a Metrocard or gas allotment for a month. When money is tight, and you’re living from paycheck to paycheck or off of savings, those expenses add up. Especially if you’re going on 2-3 dates a month, and that’s on the low end.

I’ve mentioned before that being told by a man that he doesn’t want to have drinks “for money reasons” certainly puts a damper on things. I had no problem, if I wanted to get a drink, footing the bill for both of us. If that’s what I wanted to do, and he told me his limitations, then I should pay for it. What makes me walk delicately is knowing that he’s managing tight finances and might be counting every penny he spends. I’d also be concerned that, by offering to pay after he made such an admission, might make him feel like a charity case. Dating already has its own built in stress and anxiety inducers, so why add more?

Even the “free” dates aren’t really free. You still have to pay to get there, and almost inevitably you find yourself thirsty or hungry. I’m sure you can create a date that costs under $20 (if you have suggestions, please share.) But there is still money involved. Money that could go towards something you need, like food or rent or credit card payments.Often times you’re robbing Peter to pay Paul, so to speak. Which, if we’re to be honest, is a big reason why we as a nation are in the economic straits that we are in. We over spent on things we didn’t really need, but thought we did because everybody else was doing it.

These days, it’s not rare for people to have to think very carefully before they spend that $50 or so. You don’t want to find yourself, at the end of the month, saying, “Shit…I could have really used that $150-$200 that I spent on those dates.”

So what is someone on a modest budget or who is unemployed supposed to do? Frankly, I agree with Craig that if you’re in major financial straits to the point where you’re rationing out food the way the guy in the previous post may have been doing, then you shouldn’t be dating. In that case, I’d consider dating a luxury.

One thing I found very interesting about Craig’s comment was that he chose not to make dating a priority when he was unemployed so that he “didn’t embarrass himself.” Let’s be honest, there is something embarrassing about having to say you’re tapped out or can’t do something due to a lack of funds. Even now, even though we know that so many people are struggling financially. You don’t want to seem like you’re hinting or asking for some kind of handout. Nor do you want to be judged as sad or financially irresponsible, like Nathan said. It’s that shame thing again, and nobody needs to endure that.

So what are your choices? Stay home until you can afford to date? Or take money that you know could go towards something else and consider it an investment in your future? Or..and I don’t say this off the cuff as I know it’s a lot easier said than done….take a part time job doing anything  just to have the extra cash so you can still date?

Final question….are you upfront with your dates about your financial situation or do you keep that to yourself? What has been the reaction?

Thoughts?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Finances, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , ,