Question: What’s your advice to a man who was recently blasted on OK Cupid and Twitter (by username) by a woman he dated a few times? I met A. through OKC. She mentioned in her profile that she wrote for a website/blog. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked for the link. From there I found her Twitter and followed her. After a couple dates I got the feeling we wouldn’t be a good mix. I ended things after the 4th date. Looking back I should have followed my initial instincts and ended things before they went too far. We had sex on the third and fourth date. After that I told her I didn’t think things would work out. I thought I’d wait awhile before unfollowing her. The day after I “broke up” with her she updated her OKC profile and said she was off the market for a bit because of being humiliated by me. The same day she posted a link to my OKC profile on her Twitter feed telling everybody what an ass I was. This all happened two weeks ago and she’s still saying things. Should I contact her and try to smooth things over? – G., 33 – Facebook
Do not contact her. It’ll just give her more to bitch and complain about. Trust me. I know of what I speak on this matter. Any attempt to offer an olive branch will seem phony at this point.
I’m not sure how you found out that she said anything. Did someone alert you to this fact? Or were you creeping her pages just to be sure she wasn’t bad mouthing you? If it’s the latter, then stop that pronto. If she bad mouths you, she bad mouths you. As long as she’s not naming you by name, then who gives a shit? Disable your OK Cupid profile and start a new one. There. Problem solved. Could she find it and continue to bad mouth you? Yes. Again, who gives a shit? Just by outing you she looks psychotic and anybody who would listen to her isn’t worth your time. Just stop caring about this. If she finds out that you’re watching her, I guarantee you she will keep it up. I am absolutely guilty of this. When I found out that someone I was involved with was creeping all my social media, I made it a point to say things on Twitter (and only Twitter) that he could construe were about him. Petty? Counter-productive? Yes and Yes. Bite me. It felt great. I never used specifics or linked to anything, nor did I make it a daily or even weekly habit. The only reason he knew what I was saying was because he was watching. (I had changed all the URLs/usernames to my social media profiles because of him. The only way he would have been able to find the new pages was if he either a) made a point to find the new address or b) been following me under a fake profile all along. See how that works?) He eventually wrote me and warned me that his gf’s ex-cop uncle was monitoring my online activity across various sites. That’s why, OP, you shouldn’t say anything. You’ll be outing yourself as reading her stuff and end up looking stalkery (and flat out pathetic) yourself.
A few tips for venting about an ex publicly:
1. Never use specifics of any kind - You can’t be reckless in this day and age. No, you’re not being careful if you only reveal their unique first name. You’re doing it intentionally to make them look bad, and that makes you an asshole with impulse control issues. Be careful not to reveal anything that will lead people right to your subject. Remember this: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. If you’ve got skeletons of your own, you can be sure they’ll tumble out of that closet right quick.
2. Never use criticism to smoke someone out – If your ex refuses to reply to your attempts at contact, take that as a sign that they don’t want to talk to you. Running to Twitter, Facebook and YouTube to publicly reveal intimate details about their life in dribs and drabs is not the way to get them to respond. Behavior like that makes you look like an awful, immature, vindictive crazy person, despite what your sycophantic followers tell you.
3. Have some dignity - Rolling around wailing on Twitter is not only unbecoming, it’s insufferable and unbearable to watch. If you get dumped, lick your wounds privately. Again, trust me on this, The last person you want seeing you so vulnerable is the person that you believed hurt you. It gives them far too much power over you. They’ll watch and wait and strike when they think you’re vulnerable.
4. Keep private matters private - Leave text messages and emails and profile info offline. Look, just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person. Learn the difference between a good person in a bad situation and a bad person.
5. Remember that it’s a small world - Take, for example, an email I received the other night from a reader. They happened to be a reader of another blog. A recent post perked up their ears because the numerous specifics mentioned about the guy in question fit a regular commenter here. Sure enough, when I read the blog, I realized the woman was lambasting someone I knew. And while he absolutely brought it upon himself, she still looked bad for what she said and came off immature and spiteful.
Tips to avoid being bitchy blogger fodder:
1. Do your research - Your first clue that this girl was going to do something like this was that she admitted in her profile that she writes for a website or keeps a blog. That’s your cue. These are rarely isolated incidents. Meaning, this woman has undoubtedly done this before. If you read her website or tweets and she seems attention whorey, you can be sure she’ll eventually use you as bait to get it. If she does appear loose lipped, approach with caution.
2. Don’t lie about reading her blog or tweets – Granted, deep down, we know that it’s a lie. But if you tell us that you’re not reading, we’re going to test you. That’s when the rubber hits the road. Let me tell you, if we know we have you or anyone close to you as part of our audience, we’ll use this to our advantage.
3. Don’t put anything you don’t want public knowledge in writing – Keep all communication during the first few dates brief and innocuous. That person has to prove themselves to you. Before our first date, the guy I’ve been dating and I talked about what I do for a living. We even read some of the blog together. I was open to any and all concerns he voiced. As someone who does this for a living or for a hobby, you have to understand that what we do is really unsettling to most men.
4. Don’t date someone because of their blog - Oh, so you like to be written about? Remember you said that. Nobody likes to feel like an experiment.
5. Don’t follow them on social media until things get serious – That way, there’s no messy unfollowing or defriending.
I say you try and capitalize on this. Let this girl give you free promotion. The smart women will recognize that you dumped a Crazy. Or her hate followers will do what they can to get one over on her and try to date you so they can rub her face in it. Whatever you do, do not contact her and try to ignore it. She’s trying to get your attention because she hopes you’re reading. Don’t react and I assure you she’ll get tired of it and find another victim. Don’t unfollow her or block her, either. Do not reveal your presence at all. If she sees that she’d getting to you, she’ll keep it up.