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What Do You Do When An Ex Publicly Calls You Out?

December 6, 2012 by 43 Comments

Question: What’s your advice to a man who was recently blasted on OK Cupid and Twitter (by username) by a woman he dated a few times? I met A. through OKC. She mentioned in her profile that she wrote for a website/blog. My curiosity got the better of me and I asked for the link. From there I found her Twitter and followed her. After a couple dates I got the feeling we wouldn’t be a good mix. I ended things after the 4th date. Looking back I should have followed my initial instincts and ended things before they went too far. We had sex on the third and fourth date. After that I told her I didn’t think things would work out. I thought I’d wait awhile before unfollowing her. The day after I “broke up” with her she updated her OKC profile and said she was off the market for a bit because of being humiliated by me. The same day she posted a link to my OKC profile on her Twitter feed telling everybody what an ass I was. This all happened two weeks ago and she’s still saying things. Should I contact her and try to smooth things over? – G., 33 – Facebook

 

Do not contact her. It’ll just give her more to bitch and complain about. Trust me. I know of what I speak on this matter. Any attempt to offer an olive branch will seem phony at this point.

I’m not sure how you found out that she said anything. Did someone alert you to this fact? Or were you creeping her pages just to be sure she wasn’t bad mouthing you? If it’s the latter, then stop that pronto. If she bad mouths you, she bad mouths you. As long as she’s not naming you by name, then who gives a shit? Disable your OK Cupid profile and start a new one. There. Problem solved. Could she find it and continue to bad mouth you? Yes. Again, who gives a shit? Just by outing you she looks psychotic and anybody who would listen to her isn’t worth your time. Just stop caring about this. If she finds out that you’re watching her, I guarantee you she will keep it up. I am absolutely guilty of this. When I found out that someone I was involved with was creeping all my social media, I made it a point to say things on Twitter (and only Twitter) that he could construe were about him. Petty? Counter-productive? Yes and Yes. Bite me. It felt great. I never used specifics or linked to anything, nor did I make it a daily or even weekly habit. The only reason he knew what I was saying was because he was watching. (I had changed all the URLs/usernames to my social media profiles because of him. The only way he would have been able to find the new pages was if he either a) made a point to find the new address or b) been following me under a fake profile all along. See how that works?) He eventually wrote me and warned me that his gf’s ex-cop uncle was monitoring my online activity across various sites. That’s why, OP, you shouldn’t say anything. You’ll be outing yourself as reading her stuff and end up looking stalkery (and flat out pathetic) yourself.

A few tips for venting about an ex publicly:

1. Never use specifics of any kind - You can’t be reckless in this day and age. No, you’re not being careful if you only reveal their unique first name. You’re doing it intentionally to make them look bad, and that makes you an asshole with impulse control issues. Be careful not to reveal anything that will lead people right to your subject. Remember this: the enemy of my enemy is my friend. If you’ve got skeletons of your own, you can be sure they’ll tumble out of that closet right quick.

2. Never use criticism to smoke someone out – If your ex refuses to reply to your attempts at contact, take that as a sign that they don’t want to talk to you. Running to Twitter, Facebook and YouTube to publicly reveal intimate details about their life in dribs and drabs is not the way to get them to respond.  Behavior like that makes you look like an awful, immature, vindictive crazy person, despite what your sycophantic followers tell you.

3. Have some dignity - Rolling around wailing on Twitter is not only unbecoming, it’s insufferable and unbearable to watch. If you get dumped, lick your wounds privately. Again, trust me on this, The last person you want seeing you so vulnerable is the person that you believed hurt you. It gives them far too much power over you. They’ll watch and wait and strike when they think you’re vulnerable.

4. Keep private matters private - Leave text messages and emails and profile info offline. Look, just because it didn’t work out for you doesn’t mean they aren’t a good person. Learn the difference between a good person in a bad situation and a bad person.

5. Remember that it’s a small world - Take, for example, an email I received the other night from a reader. They happened to be a reader of another blog. A recent post perked up their ears because the numerous specifics mentioned about the guy in question fit a regular commenter here. Sure enough, when I read the blog, I realized the woman was lambasting someone I knew. And while he absolutely brought it upon himself, she still looked bad for what she said and came off immature and spiteful.

 

Tips to avoid being bitchy blogger fodder:

1. Do your research - Your first clue that this girl was going to do something like this was that she admitted in her profile that she writes for a website or keeps a blog. That’s your cue. These are rarely isolated incidents. Meaning, this woman has undoubtedly done this before. If you read her website or tweets and she seems attention whorey, you can be sure she’ll eventually use you as bait to get it. If she does appear loose lipped, approach with caution.

2. Don’t lie about reading her blog or tweets – Granted, deep down, we know that it’s a lie. But if you tell us that you’re not reading, we’re going to test you. That’s when the rubber hits the road. Let me tell you, if we know we have you or anyone close to you as part of our audience, we’ll use this to our advantage.

3. Don’t put anything you don’t want public knowledge in writing – Keep all communication during the first few dates brief and innocuous. That person has to prove themselves to you. Before our first date, the guy I’ve been dating and I talked about what I do for a living. We even read some of the blog together. I was open to any and all concerns he voiced. As someone who does this for a living or for a hobby, you have to understand that what we do is really unsettling to most men.

4. Don’t date someone because of their blog - Oh, so you like to be written about? Remember you said that. Nobody likes to feel like an experiment.

5. Don’t follow them on social media until things get serious – That way, there’s no messy unfollowing or defriending.

I say you try and capitalize on this. Let this girl give you free promotion. The smart women will recognize that you dumped a Crazy. Or her hate followers will do what they can to get one over on her and try to date you so they can rub her face in it. Whatever you do, do not contact her and try to ignore it. She’s trying to get your attention because she hopes you’re reading. Don’t react and I assure you she’ll get tired of it and find another victim. Don’t unfollow her or block her, either. Do not reveal your presence at all. If she sees that she’d getting to you, she’ll keep it up.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating The Crazy, Deaing With an Ex, Drama Queens, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Ladies: Stop Pretending You Have Standards

November 16, 2012 by 30 Comments

I had a similar experience recently and agree with Moxie’s assessment. Went out on a first date with a guy, had a great time (he was actually better looking in person than he was in his photos, which rarely happens). For the second date, he texted me *asking to come over to my place* so that we could make dinner. I know, I know — I shouldn’t have done it and would never make the mistake again. I *should* have done what the OP did and say “let’s save it for later” and suggested that we go out again. Problem was, I genuinely enjoy having people over sometimes as opposed to going out (more relaxed, etc) and so I let that cloud my judgment. He came over, we had fun, but by the end of it I just sort of felt ambivalent about him (ie, “meh”).

That was on a Sunday. On Friday, he texted me something that kind of blew my mind a little bit. “Enjoyed your apartment. Would be willing to come over again one eve.”

As Moxie has so aptly put it in previous posts: “lady boner gone.” Previously, I would have sent back some sort of snarky text saying “Oh, thank God. I’m so glad you would be *willing* to come over to my apartment to eat my food and sleep with me.” But in the end, I just ignored it and moved on. A gentleman who was truly interested in a relationship would have said something like, “thank you so much for having me over for dinner – would love to go out again,” and would have *called* me rather than sending the text he did. I’m not sure whether he thought he was being cute/funny, but I didn’t find it to be either of those things. Once I didn’t respond to that text, he disappeared. Before, that would have bothered me, too — but at this point, I’ve just decided that I’ll wait for someone who’s a gentleman and who has a modicum of class/manners. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. I hate being single, and I hate having to be on these sites at my age. But I’d rather be single and still looking than settle for someone who’s “willing” to come over to my apartment. Sigh. Next… – Avery

 

Forgive my delay on this. I’ve been a bit jammed up after taking several days off and dealing with some stuff back home in Boston.

Okay. Let me break this one down for you.

Woman abandons her standards for really good looking guy. Hilarity ensues.

I don’t buy for a moment that Avery accepted his brazen invitation over to his place because she likes to entertain. She accepted it because he was good looking and charming. Then she was offended that the man who rudely invited himself over to her place didn’t behave like a “true gentleman” and call her to thank her properly for the meal and sex.  His text message, which might as well have just said, “Hey. Thanks for the sex!”, offended her because the underlying message of that text made it abundantly clear that this guy didn’t want anything beyond casual sex/short term dating. She wasn’t offended by the medium in which he used to contact her. She was offended that he didn’t say something that implied he wanted more than just sex.

All of this could have been avoided had she acknowledged that this guy wasn’t a “true gentleman” from the get go when he invited himself over to her apartment for a meal. PS? What the hell is up with that?  Why couldn’t he just invite her over to his place? Red flag, ladies.

Avery didn’t feel ambivalent about this guy. After they had sex, she slowly realized that this guy wasn’t genuinely interested beyond casually sleeping together. That’s what bothered her. Women like to act like they’re the ones who lost interest, and I truly believe they believe that is the case, but I’d bet nine times out of ten they’re just looking to spare themselves the embarrassment of admitting they have been had.

If you want a guy with class and manners, don’t sleep with men who invite themselves over to your apartment for a second date. There. Easy peasy Japanesey. You can’t say you have standards and refuse to be treated like some bimbo they met in a bar and then justify letting a man do just that. The guy was good looking. There’s your answer for why all of this happened. He was good looking and interesting and charming and omigod grab on to his ankles before he gets loose! He’s one guy. You can spit and hit a man just like that at any given moment. Also stop thinking that you’re doing men a favor by “looking past the physical.” If you’re doing it, other women are doing it. If you find a man physically unappealing but are enamored with his charm and accomplishments, you’re still being shallow. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.

If you want to have standards, have standards. But standards only prevent you from being used and abused if you stick to them consistently. The whole “I refuse to settle” argument is so flimsy and disingenuous. Avery, you did settle.You did. If you said that you weren’t willing to settle further, I’d agree with you. But you did settle. Stop listening to all your girlfriends who say not to change anything about yourself and to hold out for a guy who meets your expectations and who gives you the butterflies and whatevs. If you want a relationship you’re going to have to settle in some way. That’s it.

Sorry there’s no happy ending there. By 35 or so, if you’re still holding out for love and promises and commitment, you’re going to have to make some serious compromises.Either that or get very, very comfortable with the idea of not being in a serious relationship.

 

 

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Reader Rant, Red Flags, Tests, Whine of The Week Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When Online Dating Goes Bad

November 15, 2012 by 31 Comments

Here’s an article that inspired this weeks #swexpert Twitter chat.

 

Over the space of about 2 weeks, I must’ve spent over 20 hours talking to this man. He told me about the death of his ex girlfriend Laura, his best friend Paul who was brain-damaged, an alleged affair he had with a popular daytime television presenter, the practical jokes played between him and his brother (including bricking up the front door and inviting a tramp round for Christmas lunch), I felt I knew everything about this man. And in return he knew about my job, my hobbies, my previous relationships, and I’m ashamed to say some skeletons in my closet. And looking back over our conversations now, for every hour on the phone, there was always one little seedy undertone. I can remember him casually slipping things like bra size, anal sex, contraception and even menstrual cycles into conversation. But because they were all anecdotal, or heavily embedded in the in jokes or the sensitive side of things, the alarm bells tinkled a little, but it was nothing I felt I couldn’t handle. These are topics that come up with friends, and after all this time, we were becoming friends, friends under a sort of pressure cooker intensity. But every time he tried to eek out something personal from me, my bra size, my views on contraception, my personal cycle, I would bat them away out of the park and he’d be left with nothing. Reading this back now, I feel sick to my stomach.  With the benefit of hindsight, I can see now that all this investment in me was for those tiny little seedy snippets.

Read the rest here.

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Awkward, Bad Dates, Beware, Dating, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Having a Man In Your Life Is Just a Bonus

November 13, 2012 by 53 Comments

Name: Trudy
Age: 42
State:
Question: Had a date with a 46 yo man from a site a month ago.  It was the best first date ever.  Although I didn’t find him physically attractive, mentally he was amazing – intelligent, well travelled, fun and most important of all, I could relax and be myself with him.   He was so accomplished that I didn’t feel the need to downplay my own travels, hobbies and career.

He emailed the next day to say he’d enjoyed every minute of our date, and wanted another one, and we arranged to meet up on the following Saturday.

The day before our second date, he invited me to his place for dinner by text.  I said ‘let’s do that another time.’  Then he said where shall we meet, so I suggested somewhere in town.

The second date was fine but I didn’t hear from him afterward.  Now I just get a ‘how r u’ text once a week with a reply 24 hours after.  Even though he’s told me he goes into work in the weekends because of a pressing deadline, no one is truly too busy to get in contact.

It’s obvious to me I’ve been put on the back burner.  That’s life, I guess.  My question is if he asks me out some time in the future, should I go?  If I had lots of options I would ignore further communications, but I don’t get many serious/respectable messages on dating sites from men aged 45+

 

You could go out with him again as long as you understand he’s not interested in anything beyond casual flirtation and sex. You are one of many. Despite the fact that he may lack in the looks department (according to you) he still has many options.If you found him engaging and looked past the physical, other women have as well.

He invited you to his place for dinner on that second date because he wanted sex. I’m not sure if you ended up having sex after that second date or not. I’m guessing you didn’t, which is why he bailed. This guy was only willing to go so far for you. When he didn’t get what he believed was the appropriate return on investment, he lost interest.  If you don’t plan on sleeping with him then I wouldn’t accept another date. He’s not interested in courting you.

The texts he sends are probably mass texts, too. He likely sends them to a few women and whichever one replies first and is available gets his full attention while the others get ignored.

This guy wasn’t serious. He’s just good at first dates. He knows how to woo and impress women. The women who come over to his no doubt impressive apartment and sleep with him are the ones moved up on the roster.  That’s the typical experience of the single woman over 35.

Welcome to Dating 2.0, where even the uggos have more options than the single woman over 35. As I said just the other day, these men are in demand. If they are in their forties and unfettered, they’re likely going to stay that way and enjoy the next 10+ years of sexual variety, financial independence and freedom. These guys don’t have to work hard to get dates or sex. If you want a relationship then you are going to have to start aiming lower. I’m sorry if that sounds negative or depressing, but that’s just the way it is now.

Rather than lament this, why not use it to your advantage? Why not do exactly what these men are doing? Build up a nice little roster of men that you can alternate in and out of your schedule. 3 guys will do it. When one starts to taper off, just replace him. If you could get the guy from your letter, you can get others just like him.

You’re only 42. You can get guys 35-50 who are looking to casually date. Still looking to have kids or to get married or co-habitate with someone? Let that go. It could still happen, but shooting for that is what is keeping you stuck. Think about it. You currently have your freedom. You can do what you want, when you want. Your money is your money. You don’t have to answer to anyone. You have the option of having sexual variety. Enjoy it! You’ve gotten this far on your own. You’ve made it through tough times on your own. You’re self-sufficient.

Let the man be a bonus. Not The Holy Grail.

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, casual sex, Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Importance of Identifying Polite Rejections & Reading Social Cues

November 8, 2012 by 32 Comments

Name: Shannon
Age: 34
State: New York
Question: I have been communicating with a guy I met on eHarmony for about two weeks. He likes to have long (about one hour) telephone and texting conversations.  I do not. We are meeting for the first time tomorrow. I think it’s odd that he wants to talk/text so much when we haven’t even met yet.  Most guys are not talkers. He seems clingy, and my red flags are going up.  Most guys I meet online talk to me once for twenty minutes before we meet.  Our conversations are not even very interesting. Does it sound like he is weird or just interested?

It sounds like he’s putting all his eggs in one basket. As I mentioned earlier this week, this level of interest from someone I’ve never even met sets off my warning bells.  What I find really questionable is how he chose to spend so much time to chat online or via text rather than just meet you. Maybe he was traveling or otherwise busy. I don’t know. But if someone is going to invest so much time online, then why not just meet up?

The only people I know who spend this much time getting to know their prospective dates are people who are ambivalent about meeting someone in person. They’re either not in the head space to actually date or they fear that their date will reject them based on their looks. I’m assuming there wasn’t something like work or health issues preventing him from meeting sooner, yes? If that’s the case, then something is holding this guy back.

He either is trying to build rapport so that you’re less likely to reject him or he’s insecure about something/not ready to date. I see this kind of behavior a lot in people who aren’t emotionally ready to date or who haven’t presented themselves accurately in their profile.

You’re right in that it’s not typical for most men to be so chatty and available before meeting someone. I think your warning bells are definitely on the mark. Something about this isn’t right.

Now, does this mean you shouldn’t meet him? No. You should meet him. I just wouldn’t go into that date with high expectations. People who show this much interest this soon tend to be crash and burners. They are destined to flicker out quickly. Could he turn out to be the love of your life? Sure. Anything is possible. But you’ve already formed an opinion about him in your head. It’s going to be hard to switch off that tape.

Again, I will say that people should not be giving their phone number out until the day before a date. This is why.

I will also add that people need to learn how to be more clear about what their boundaries are. If you are uneasy with this much communication, then you need to cut it off in a way that isn’t abrupt.  Folks also need to learn how to read social cues. As DMN pointed out in this comment: “Learn to accept polite rejections because we need them in order to function in society.”

Identifying and accepting polite rejections and social cues are two must have dating skills. Functioning adults are expected to know how to identify these things. When I mentioned in a post earlier this week that I gave a guy I met online my phone number “in case anything changes” the message was “Don’t text me for any other reason.” If I reply and say, “That’s sweet. Good luck with your meeting!” I’m removing myself from the conversation. No, I don’t expect men to be psychic. I expect people to know when someone is politely closing a conversation. If someone signs off an email or text with “Have a great weekend/night” or “I’ll give you a call tomorrow” they’re trying to end the conversation. Let them go. If you ignore these cues you end up coming off clingy and desperate.

A woman who rejects a guy’s frequent attempts to hang out and comes up with a series of excuses is trying – very hard – to tell the guy she doesn’t want to hang out with him. Ever. Trust me, however you interpreted the initial meeting was inaccurate. She may have been ” friendly” but that still doesn’t mean she genuinely wanted to be friends or hang out. People are overly friendly to people who make them uncomfortable or in order to avoid a conflict. In La Motta’s situation, he asked her for her phone number. She gave it to him. She didn’t ask for his. There’s your cue. That one thing now defines and explains the whole situation. The end.

The “I’m getting back with an ex” is now a staple polite rejection. As is the “I’m busy/tired.” Also a polite rejection? No response at all. Pushing for a response makes you look crazy. A friend was at a party once and was with two female friends. Both women were going on and on about the guys they were dating. They each texted the guy and invited them to join them at the party. Both guys said they’d prefer to stay at home because they had  along week. They couldn’t figure out why these guys would text them to hang out when they felt like it and they (the women) would meet up with them, but when the situation was reversed the guys were always too busy or tired. Answer: Those guys weren’t interested other than when they wanted to get laid. They don’t want to actually date these women.By their mid-thirtes, grown women should understand this. This is how many women fritter away time on the wrong guys. They ignore social cues and can’t identify a polite rejection.

How do you convey a lack of interest without being rude? You lie. If you’re at a party and someone corners you and won’t stop talking, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, go to the bar or to make a phone call. If they proceed to follow you around, that’s on them. If you stay there and allow these people to hijack you, then you are equally to blame. I once watched a guy at a party. Women were crawling all over him as he made his way around the bar. Instead of just excusing himself, he offered to buy each woman a drink. He went from point A to point B in that bar and ended up buying 3 different women drinks just to escape all three conversations. Talk about awkward. I was embarrassed for him and the women who were all but clinging to his ankle as he tried to get away from him. By a certain age, we all should know how to remove ourselves from situations. That’s a must.  If you don’t you are going to waste opportunities and time.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top 10 Ways To Avoid Getting Stood Up or Blown Off On A First Date

October 24, 2012 by 6 Comments

A profile review client emailed me the other day. She and a man from OKCupid had been trading emails and made plans to meet on Sunday night.

She showed up at the assigned location and waited. And waited. Her date never showed up. She sent him a text message telling him she arrived and the bar where they agreed to meet but didn’t see him so she left. He didn’t reply.

I’m not sure how, in this day and age, being stood up is still a thing. There are various ways for people to back out of a date that won’t result in an angry tirade. I’d hate to think that some people actually get a thrill out of staking out at a place and watching someone become undone as the time ticks by and their date doesn’t show up. More than likely, most people who think they were stood up actually weren’t. Either times and wires got crossed or their date arrived and turned on their heel and left without ever announcing their presence.

Since I’m not one to ever, ever, EVER take anything at face value, I didn’t immediately assume the guy intentionally chose to screw my client over. More likely, these two made tentative plans a few days before and neither one of them confirmed the date the day of. Or the guy did show up, looked at her and decided to bail.

That’s what happened to this girl.

Her date claims to have arrived, determined she was “larger than expected” and left. Stay classy, bro.

In any case, as this blogger said, being stood up is one of the perils of online dating. So here are some tips to avoid having it happen to you.

1. Post accurate, clear, recent photos - If you have to, ask your friends if your photos accurately represent what you look like. Avoid using too many professional photos. You might think that these photos are accurate, but most aren’t. The lightening and angles can be misleading. If you’re on the heavier side, post a full on body shot from the mid thighs up. No angles! You should be standing in the photo. No sitting down. Do not use photos where you’re wearing hats or sunglasses. No shots of you in a coat or jacket, either. The best photos are ones where you’re wearing a lighter color on top than the bottom. Trust me. If someone is looking for an excuse to justify showing up and leaving, they’ll take it. If your photos are misleading, people will bail.

2. Confirm the date the morning of the date - You should never just show up at a location without having received confirmation. A lot of people will assume that, since you did not follow up with them or they you, that the date is canceled.

3. Make sure that you both have the hours of operation,  correct name and address of the chosen meeting place- Never assume that someone will automatically know or recognize the spot you’ve chosen. If you decide to meet on a corner or specific block, send your date a text that tells them what shops or landmarks are in the vicinity. I am direction-challenged. When someone says “northwest corner” I’m clueless. When you get to the assigned block, send your date a text saying you’re there and are looking for them. That way there is no confusion. If you choose to meet at a bar, send your date the exact address and possible cross streets. Also send a link to the bar’s website. Most sites post accessible subways, trains, highway exits to take, etc. Double check that the bar will be open! If people are driving, make sure to include the zip code of the location so they can plug the location into their GPS. Between traffic and subway delays, I’d bet that many instances where someone thinks they were stood up, they really weren’t. Their date was just stuck or lost.

4. Plan your commute well in advance, check the weather and include a 15 minute buffer - Don’t wait until the last minute to get the address and directions to a location.  Figure it out the day before so you know where you’re going and can give yourself enough time to get there. It’s funny how you can walk 5 blocks in 3 minutes when wearing sneakers but it takes over 10 minutes when you’re wearing those dirty hot new 4 inch heel boots you just bought. Fuggedabouit if it rains or snows. Your commute has just been doubled.

5. Announce your arrival 5 minutes before you arrive – Shoot your date a text to tell them you’re just around the corner. If you’re running behind, make sure to tell them that, too.

6. Make sure your date has your number and that you give it to them via email or text, not IM- If someone has to cancel or is running late, they should have an accessible way to pull up your info.

7. Give people enough rope to hang themselves -  If someone says they’ll text me to confirm a date, I allow them to do just that. If they don’t, I make other plans. If a guy tells me he’ll follow up on a specific day to confirm and doesn’t, I don’t go out with him, even if he follows up the next morning. Simple as that.

8.Avoid the “the rules don’t apply to me” people – Writing a self-summary is too hard, you say? Well, everybody else manages to do it and so can you. Stay away from the people who don’t want to adhere to the basic social guidelines involved with online dating. They should fill out a good portion of their profile, post at least 3 clear and recent photos and reply in a timely manner. If they take forever to reply or are always traveling or texting you incessantly, be warned. These people aren’t taking things seriously.

9. Remember that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is - I often see profiles on OKCupid that are clearly stock photos. Do a Google Image Search of the photo of that guy who has a glamorous career like international photo journalist or novelist who looks like he’s posing for a J Crew Catalog. If the photo looks like someone you’d see in an Eddie Bauer insert, it’s likely fake. People that attractive are not using online dating sites.

9. Never assume – The reality of online dating is that things can and often do change very quickly. Someone could be totally interested one day and smitten with someone else a few days later. Confirm, confirm, confirm.

10. If They Tell You They’re An Asshole, Believe Them - When I review profiles with people, I also review profiles of their dates or the people they find interesting. It’s shocking to me how people can read certain profiles and *not* know that these people are assholes. One woman, in her About Me summary, actually described herself as an asshole. The guy still wanted to ask her out. The people who come out and admit how difficult/damaged they are and who include information in their profile that makes your jaw drop are trying to sabotage themselves. Either that or they just don’t care and want to see who will be stupid enough to reply to them. Don’t waste your time.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Red Flags, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Do Some Women Need Men To Chase Them?

October 22, 2012 by 22 Comments

Name: Scott
State: VA
Age: 42
Question: A woman contacted me on a dating site. Her profile was hidden so I never saw her before in any of my searches. She was beautiful and probably out of my league. Of course I replied to her email and we exchanged a few more before talking on phone. Good conversation and we made plans to meet for a drink. She looked great in person (Ivanka Trump lookalike) and was outgoing  and easy to talk to. We were there for 4 hours.

At end of date we lightly kissed on lips and agreed to see each other again. She texted me the next day saying she had a great time because I was cute and normal and seemed very compatible with her. A few days later for date #2 I picked her up and we went to a nice restaurant for drinks and dinner. She was very affectionate with me; for example a kiss at the bar, hands on thigh, sharing food & tasting each other’s wine. The only thing was unusual was that she came outside to meet me when I picked her up. And at end of that second date, I wanted to walk her to her door to say goodnight. She said not to and that we would just say goodnight in the car in front of her apartment. We made out and I watched her walk into her apartment. She asked me to text her when I got home and I did. She said she had an awesome time, couldn’t wait to see me again and thanked me for a wonderful evening.

For date#3 we went to a restaurant and then to see a movie both of us wanted to see.  During movie we held hands entire time, caressing arm, etc during the show. She came back to my place after the movie and we made out with some touching. She texted me when she got home thanking me again for another wonderful night and signed off with  “x o” which was a first. We went out 3 times in total and spoke on phone each night when we didn’t see each other.

Our next date we planned to just stay in and rent a movie. The date was to be on a Friday night. Friday afternoon she texts me saying she is tired, doesn’t want to hang out because she is getting her period and she gets bitchy and tired when its that time. I said she can call me later that night if she wanted to talk. She called around 7pm and talked for 10 minutes (our shortest conversation) and said she had to go. I figured that would be the last I heard from her and decided not to call her or text her unless she got in touch with me.  On Sunday she texts me saying I am a good guy but she would be too complicated for me. I just say No Problem and wish her luck.  I figured that would be the end of hearing from her again. The following morning she texts me again telling me she hopes I get the job I interviewed for which I was still waiting to hear about (internal job posting ). I just say Thank You and leave it at that. But after she gracefully ended it by not leaving me hanging, why follow up 12 hours later with something that had nothing to do with us dating? (the post interview waiting period).

Does  “she is too complicated for me” mean she is not feeling it and it’s a polite way to let me down?  I am surprised at the level of affection shown, especially in public for dates #2 and #3 if she wasn’t into me. I didn’t think women would fake that part of it.  And she gave sweet texts after our dates saying how much of a great time she had with me. It surprises me she would do all that if she wasn’t attracted. In the end, I had my 15 minutes of dating fame with someone who was beyond what I normally pull and I enjoyed my time with her. But it sure does confuse me with the swift turn of events.

I guess this would be the female version of Game?

It’s supposed to confuse you. I know everyone will go for the obvious and say she’s in a relationship. That’s exactly why I don’t think that’s the case. If she is in a relationship, she’s going out of her way to telegraph that to him rather than hiding it. Most people who cheat don’t make it so obvious. She’s trying to make him think she’s otherwise engaged.

What I believe she’s doing is creating drama. Nobody with any decent amount of self-awareness would self-identify or describe themselves to others as “complicated.” It’s like the people who include statements in their profile like, “I’m hard to pigeon-hole.” You’re a self-important douche. There. You’ve been pigeon-holed. Most people know that talking about themselves that way makes them sound self-important and self-involved.Those who don’t know that saying things like that are usually out of touch with reality or profoundly self-obsessed.

This woman wants you to chase her. She’s playing hard to get. Unfortunately, she sucks at it. When she told you she was “too complicated” for you, that was your cue to inquire why and convince her that she’s not. You were smart. You simply said, “K. Bye.” That’s why she followed up with you the next day. You didn’t chase her. Now she’s going to try again. She’ll extend herself and then pull away.

Our next date we planned to just stay in and rent a movie. The date was to be on a Friday night. Friday afternoon she texts me saying she is tired, doesn’t want to hang out because she is getting her period and she gets bitchy and tired when its that time.

Allow me to let you in on a little secret. I don’t know if she’s employing this tactic or not, but I figured I’d share. Sometimes women use the “I have my period/I’m getting my period” excuse to see if a guy still chooses to hang out with her. This seems to be to have been set up as the date where you and she would do it. Pretty much everybody knows that “let’s stay in and watch a movie” means, “I want you to come over and convince me to have sex with you.” My guess is this was a shit test. You didn’t pass, so she tried another way to get you to “prove” to her how interested you were. Here’s a little FYI to the ladies…many guys are perfectly happy just to get head. Don’t assume he’s really interested just because he decides to come over while you have your period.

The funny thing is, she is complicated. She’s just not complicated by circumstance. She’s complicated by choice. She’s trying to make herself seem elusive and mysterious. She’ll continue to do this until you take the bait. Personally, I wouldn’t bother. People like this are never worth the effort they require or demand.

 

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, Dating The Crazy, Online Dating, PUA Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Men – Admit It. Some Of You Like Bitchy Women.

September 28, 2012 by 20 Comments

Name: John
Age: 45
State: NY
Question: I was wondering if you could address this small issue for me. After a first date, if I want to see the girl again, I ask her to text me that she got home OK. Most of my first dates are at night and the girl drives to the place to meet me. I especially ask her to do this if the weather is bad and I wanted to see her again.

My thoughts on this issue is that if the girl was into me, she would think it was a nice request. If she wasn’t into me, it would be a bother. Therefore, I feel that I have nothing to lose. But I am wondering if I really do have something to lose. Would a girl actually think, “I liked this guy but he already wants to hear back from me 20 minutes after we just parted?”. Is there a chance she could have that thought process even if she wanted to see me again?

I suppose it is no surprise that the girls who gave a curt text “home” never responded to my followup calls/text in subsequent days and the ones who texted more robust “I got home safe. Hope you did too” always led to more dates with her. I am thinking this is a barometer to gauge the girl’s level of interest, but wanted to hear if you agree or had a guy ask that of you too.

So I am asking your advice on whether I should continue to ask for a “safe home” text after a first date or just let it be?

 

I would save this gesture for extreme situations only. Yes, it’s sweet and all…but it could come across as a little too much to a lot of women. I can remember being on a date a couple of years ago. A first date. We agreed to meet for a glass of wine. He wanted to extend that into dinner. So we ordered food – Italian. I had mentioned earlier that I needed to pop a pill because I have acid reflux. Dinner came and we began to eat. We were just a few bites in before he said, “Sweetie, did you remember to take your stomach medication?”

Was it a sweet gesture? I guess. To me, it felt forced and like he was trying too hard to force a familiarity that wasn’t established yet. It immediately turned me off. Something about it felt phony and disingenuous.

You’re right that a curt “home” text alerting you that they arrived home safely is indicative of their interest and attitude. Which is why, when you get such a response, you shouldn’t bother asking them out again.The fact that you do that really should concern you.

This is your third letter to me. (See first one here, second one here.) I realize that you’re back in the dating scene after a marriage and subsequent divorce. One of the things you need to learn is to be less concerned about what these women you take out think. You need to preset your self as, well, more of a “man.” In return, these women you take out appear to run rough shot over you or treat you poorly. That’s because they smell blood in the water.  They can sense that you’re rather lost when it comes to dating and they are taking advantage of that. Basically, you need to stop coming off so weak. I’m telling you, the minute we sense weakness, we will trample right over it.

There are women out there who get off at emasculating men. Sometimes they do it to the man’s face or behind his back. It’s all about wanting to believe that they are far more desirable and intoxicating than they really are. It’s also about one upping their girlfriends over cocktails. You can’t give in to their demands right away. You want to be flexible and accommodating…but not right away. Learn the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Women want an assertive man. The ones who don’t have a mean to cruel streak a mile long. Getting a twatty “home” text when she arrives safely at her residence should tell you what kind if a person she is. I don’t care whether you’re interested or not. If you can’t muster the effort to be polite, that alone should explain why you’re single.

I’ll throw this out there as well. Like I said earlier, this is your third letter to me, despite the fact that you have often and repeatedly insulted me or gotten angry at my advice. (Seriously, dude. Didn’t you call me fat just a month ago?) So I have to wonder if there is something about the dynamic between you and these aggressive women that you like that causes you to consistently meet and date them. It might not even be a conscious choice on your part.

People don’t continue to repeat a pattern or dynamic unless there is something about that dynamic that works for them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Dating Skills, Friend Zone, Get Women, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is Looking For a Man Who Will Commit A Waste of Time?

September 5, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Becky
Age: 23
State:
Question: I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. When I was younger it wasn’t big deal to me, but now it’s getting frustrating. About myself, looks wise I want to say I’m higher than average, I’m in shape, very feminine, and I have a great job in sales, this translates me to having great communication skills and can carry on a conversation with anyone without dominating the conversation. I typically never have a problem getting a first date, second date or even third. However getting past that is hard with someone I genuinely think I could see myself with. Obviously, I realize I’m the common factor here. I’ve thought of 3 things I’m thinking could be the issue, but I’m wondering if there is something you can give me insight in that I’m not seeing.

1.      I’m terrible at the playing hard to get. When I think someone is equally interested in me I get really excited and start to text them as much as I would a good friend and I text a lot. I think this over eagerness sometimes might be scaring guys off.

2.      I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.

3.      I’m not sure I’m dating the right type of guys. I usually date guys much older than myself. The youngest guy I’ve dated in awhile is 30, but usually they are in their mid-30s. I like to think I’m attracted to the older guys because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am. I also pick guys who I don’t feel like would be up to my standards (intellectually, education, job, multiple kids), but I like to give them a chance. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually my gut about those guys was correct to begin with.

Are any of these a giant red flag that I shouldn’t be doing? Or maybe you’ve picked up on it being something completely different I haven’t even figured out yet. I just want to start dating again, but I want to do it better and more successfully. Thank you.

 

Before I answer your questions, I wanted to include a posting in a list serv I belong to called Help a Reporter. The gist of the list serv is that writers post story and article ideas and ask for feedback and contributions from writers, experts and lay people. Here’s one post that was in yesterday’s newsletter:

I’m writing an article for Match.com’s Happen mag about the
two-month mark as a relationship milestone that many
relationships just can’t make it past. What is it about the
8-week point that can bring on the fizzling of interest?

 

The first thing you should know is that your experience is not atypical. The two-month mark appears to be the norm nowadays. With all the options out there, people don’t have to commit as quickly, if at all. Many men and women actually like dating multiple people and casually dating. It works for them. The simple reason why it’s harder to find a man to commit is because there are fewer men willing to or interested in committing. If women continue to look for those needles in the haystack, they need to understand that that search is going to take much, much longer than they originally expected. If it’s commitment they want, and they’re dating on a schedule, they best get comfortable with the idea of “settling.”

Now, as for the three points you mentioned might be working against you.

Whether you text “too much” is subjective. I don’t know how these men are responding or the frequency of their responses. As a general rule of thumb, I don’t prolong text conversations and pay attention to cues. If his responses are clipped or delayed, I keep the conversation short and sweet. If he seems as engaged as I do, then I just enjoy the back and forth. Typically, though, I save most communication for when we’re together or on the phone. I do think it’s wise to be a little less available. There’s no harm in maintaining  some mystery. Don’t let the guy know you’re hooked. You can let him know you’re interested. Just don’t play your hand too soon and let him know you’re ga ga.

As for the sex….that’s probably not an issue either. The idea that a man likes a challenge and will lose interest if you sleep with him too soon is a fallacy developed by women and insecure men. The more accessible women make sex, the less valuable it becomes in the dating market place. That means that sex is no longer the bargaining chip or “prize” that can be used to get certain behavior from men. Hence why so many women are trying to poison the well by telling women they need to keep their legs closed or risk never finding a manz. The idea of a “deep connection” and wanting to be recognized for “sharing your body” are romantic notions also manufactured by women. In other words, most men don’t think like that. So unless you’re attaching inordinate expectations to the sex, the sex itself isn’t the problem either. As long as you’re not romanticizing the act of having sex with a man and aren’t using it to gain something other than pleasure, you’re fine.

Your third point is more troubling. You’re admitting that you choose inappropriate men, yet you’re confused as to why these men aren’t sticking around. They’re not sticking around because they aren’t appropriate for you. Sure, you might think that they are more on your level in terms of stability and education. But they likely don’t feel the same about you. If anything, they’re dating you because you’re not mature enough.  We’ve discussed this before. Men don’t look too closely at a woman’s earning potential or education level when trying to determine compatibility. Those things fall pretty low on the list of priorities. You’re fun to hang out with and bang for a few months. Ultimately, the difference in maturity levels and lifestyles become too apparent to them. If they’re looking for someone to be the mother to their children, that driven career woman side of you is a negative. They’d rather find someone who wouldn’t mind putting their career on hold for a few years. So they’ll settle down with a woman who has already achieved a certain level of professional success or someone with no real career aspirations.

I think you’re biggest challenge is your ego and what you think you deserve. I think you tend to see yourself with a specific type of person. Someone who you feel is on your level. The problem is that most of the men you appear to pursue don’t find any of the things you find important as important. To them, you’re pretty much just a hot 23 year old. You’re fun for awhile, but then they find someone they can take seriously.

My advice is to start dating men who are more appropriate for you and get a clear understanding of what men consider important and attractive. Your diploma, job, apartment, etc are pretty much irrelevant to these men. You also need to understand, especially amongst the men you tend to gravitate towards, that commitment isn’t a priority. Either accept the fact that you’re going to be part of a harem or readjust your expectations as to what you “deserve.” And PS? You can develop your own harem, you know. Men did not corner the market on that idea. You’re 23 and really attractive. Jesus. Work it. Enjoy it. You can date a handful of guys that each meet a specific need. Just understand that if settling down and having kids is a priority, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices and compromises eventually.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, First Impressions, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Monogamy, Sex, sexuality, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How To Know When You’re Just An Option

August 21, 2012 by 32 Comments

Name: Bad Habits
Age: 22
State: Florida
Question: Ok so i met this guy outside of my work. Well he’s in the painting business and as soon as i met him and got his number he left for Detroit for family and work. Well we texted everyday talked on the phone every night. It went on for 2 Weeks straight. We got to know each other rather quickly. I understood he is eight years older than me but i liked his personality alot and understood his past. He started calling me baby and babe. Telling me how much he can’t wait till he comes home to my arms. Then one day after texting him good morning, never heard from him all day. He finally texted me saying been working all day call you later. Ok got it.. Well nothing at all that night or the next day or the next day. I don’t understand this? He just up and stopped talking to me, makes no sense what so ever. Yea well i broke down and tried calling him, no answer, texted him nothing. I’ve had this happen to me before and i still don’t understand it? I mean if you met someone, awesome! But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave. I don’t understand why this keeps happening? Is it me? Or is it them? Need help!!

 

Well, let me ask you this. What is it that you want from these guys? Here’s a guy who is not only 8 years older than you (at 22 that’s a big age difference) but he moved hundreds of miles away for a job. It’s not clear how long you had known him before he moved or what transpired or whether he’s coming back.

We got to know each other rather quickly.

No. You didn’t. You might have gotten an idea of who this man is, but you did not get to know this person via phone and text over the course of a few weeks. He showed you the person he wanted you to see. That’s it. And now you’ve seen another side of him. The side that doesn’t care if his behavior hurts your feelings. Still like him? Oh wait. You do.

You’re romanticizing this relationship. My guess is this isn’t the first time, either. That’s part of the problem. You’re assuming that things mean as much to him as they do to you. You develop expectations of these men because you have told yourself that you and he have some sort of special connection because you managed to have a conversation every night for 2 weeks. That’s not a great connection. That just means you’ve been able – for all of two weeks – to hold this guy’s attention for a consistent series of minutes. That’s it. And to prove to you that this connection is not real, I present Exhibit A: he blew you off. Now, if you and he truly got to know each other and developed a genuine level of intimacy or connection, do you think he’d be ignoring your calls and texts? Does that make sense to you? It shouldn’t. If you find yourself believing his transparent excuses, you need to stop and ask yourself if his behavior matches up to his words.

This is reminiscent of last week’s post about Red Flags. If the man in that story was truly the woman’s friend, he wouldn’t have lied to her. We like to insist that we really did mean something to someone, even though they may have profoundly hurt or embarrassed us, because the truth is just too hard to admit. We meant very little to them. We were a distraction. That’s it.

But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave.

That should tell you that you never meant anything to them in the first place. If this keeps happening, then that should make you aware of the fact that people can tell you exactly what you want to hear for as long as it benefits them and then dump you. This is what you need to realize so that you don’t continue to invest time or emotion in men like this.

The trick is to not get invested in this kind of attention. I’m betting that’s the draw for you, whether you realize it or not. You like the idea of having some guy out there thinking of you and talking to you. Hon, he’s nobody. He’s nothing. He’s a voice on the other end of the line. He provides you with nothing but words. You can get that anywhere, anytime. Start thinking of these men as replaceable as they consider you until they give you genuine reason for you to give them more consideration. They should never be more than options to you before that. That doesn’t mean you should be rude, thoughtless or insensitive. What I’m suggesting is that you learn how to become more detached in the beginning of these situations. Bottom line? These guys don’t care about you and possibly don’t even like or are attracted to you. You are nothing but a source of attention for them. Guys can and will engage a woman simply because they like the ego stroke.

Last week someone commented that I have a bad habit of raining on the parade of women who are holding out for a happy ending. No. What I try to do here is prevent women from deluding themselves and listening to their equally deluded girlfriends so as to prevent them from humiliating themselves.

There is no happy ending here. Just like there was no happy ending for the woman in this post. And whether or not some people agree, sometimes things are very black and white and sometimes it’s incredibly easy to predict the outcome of certain situations without meeting someone. People like to believe in the whole “gray area theory” because they want that non-existent happy ending. 9 times out of 10, there is no gray area. The writing is on the wall. The only ones who can’t see it are the people whose egos are in the way.  They have to be right. They can not admit that they misread a situation or gave too much to someone who didn’t deserve it. Many times it’s not even about getting the guy/girl. It’s about winning. There is no winning in situations like this. None. These people end up sacrificing great amounts of their self-esteem/respect just so they can say they “caught’ someone or they taught someone a lesson.

Let me tell you this. Self-esteem and self-respect is very easy to give up, but it’s incredibly difficult to get back. Consider that the next time you feel some overwhelming need to “win.”

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Filed Under: Getting Too Invested Too Soon, Managing Expectations, Men & Conflict, Texting, The Fade Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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