Name: Jules
Age: 37
State: NY
Question: Here’s a question that I think you’ve never been asked before. I recently had my eggs frozen because I am not ready for babies any time soon and I am also single. I want to meet and be with the right guy, so I’m not on a husband hunt and looking to have a family ASAP.

But I know how guys think. I’m 37 and will want to settle down quickly and pop out babies which isn’t true. I even hear my close guy friends say this about women they date/meet.

How do I let guys know that I’m not in a rush and while I am in my mid/late 30s, I can have a baby when the time is right? I can’t exactly plaster that on my forehead but sometimes I want to because I get so frustrated when guy make judgements about me solely based on my age.

I’ve even been tempted to write that in my online dating profile but my common sense tells me that would freak people out and make me look nuts.

Would love your advice.  Thank you!

Oh good. A question that won’t generate any angry feelings or controversy.

 

I recently had my eggs frozen because I am not ready for babies any time soon and I am also single.

Ok. So….when will you be ready for a baby? Because a man who wants kids in your dating age range, say 39-45, who is looking for a relationship, probably IS looking to have kids sometime soon. It’s great that you took charge of the situation so that you can have children should you want them and when you’re ready. But men have their own biological clock ticking away, too. They don’t want to be the old dad at Parent/Teachers night, etc. They want to enjoy watching their kids grow up.

How do I let guys know that I’m not in a rush and while I am in my mid/late 30s, I can have a baby when the time is right? I can’t exactly plaster that on my forehead but sometimes I want to because I get so frustrated when guy make judgements about me solely based on my age.

You’re right. Some do. And one of those judgments is…”She’s almost 40. I want to settle down and start a family in the next few years. Will I be able to do that with her?” I only mention this because it’s important to keep in mind the male perspective on a situation like this.

The fact is, you kind of are in a rush to have babies. Maybe not in a self-imposed way. But in a biological way. You have about 3-5 years to conceive naturally without many or any issues. You’re not 30 anymore. You’re 37, which puts you squarely in the “late thirties” bracket. Yes, you’ve frozen your eggs and that’s a smart thing to do. But what people who advocate for that usually don’t discuss in too much detail is how men might feel if that is presented as an option. Many if not most men prefer to conceive naturally if they want their own biological kids. They don’t want test tubes and implantation procedures hoping things will stick. Especially when they can find someone younger who can get pregnant without all that. The harsh truth is that your window of opportunity isn’t what it was 5 years ago. You’ve had your time to be footloose and fancy free. Now you have to buckle down and get serious if you want to find someone with whom you can have children. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. You’ll find a way to get what you want. It just might not look like you expected it to look.

That’s just some food for thought. To answer your question, here are some options:

1.  Put a line in your profile and say that you’re not currently on the marriage/baby track and look forward to relationships unfolding organically. I don’t think that would hurt you, though men might not believe you. If anything, it’s a good way to weed those skeptics out.

2. Change your profile to say that you “might” want kids. Sorry, but if your profile says that you want kids that, along with your age. is enough to make guys think you’ll be in a rush.

3. Tell these men when you meet them that you are not in a rush.You don’t have to announce it, but you can work it into a conversation naturally.

I don’t necessarily agree that most men now assume that a woman in her late thirties is itching to settle down and have kids. If anything, I think a lot of men now think the opposite – that the woman is single by choice with no intention of settling down anytime soon. I’ve seen a lot of male profiles that state that they’re not looking to casually date someone and want a relationship. Which means they are meeting women who want to circuit date for as long as they can.

If you’re upfront about this and in no way coming off as anxious to settle down, then these men aren’t really dismissing you because they fear you have a screeching biological clock. They might say or imply that they are, but they’re not. That’s a reasonable excuse to use that few people will argue. It sounds much better than, “I prefer someone younger.” Or, contrary to what you believe, you are giving off signs that you’re looking for a husband/father for your children.